I’ve made the biggest mistake today with School and my DD will pay for it

[Year5For3days]

DD is 9, Year 5.

Going on residential trip for 3 days at the end of November with School.

Had a meeting about it today to discuss some minor adjustments we’re talking small things like sleeping arrangements and giving of medication we’re not talking huge issues or things that can’t be overcome which makes me feel even worse. I’ve had a bad feeling about it since it was announced. I don’t know why; DD goes away with her dad (my ex-husband) and Scouts (Cubs) all the time and I never feel weird or strange about it. Scouts have never had a meeting with me about it I think that was why, but I know they’re different to school.

I told the Deputy Head running the trip how I felt and it descended into an argument between me and her. I didn’t mean for it to happen and I know she feels strongly about it, she’s run the trip every year since she started working at the school in 2013 (which is the year before DD was born ironically) and nothing has ever gone wrong, ever apparently. They’ve had 1 minor injury in all those years - a bumped head on the last day and the child still got on the bus and came back to school with them, and 1 bout of sickness where 2 kids were sent home, otherwise it’s always ran without a hitch.

But I have a really bad feeling about it, and I can’t describe it. It’s not about the money, I’d happily pay for DD to stay at school or keep her home for the 3 days. I couldn’t describe it and that’s why it turned into an argument I think, I’m keeping my stance that DD is not going, and the DHT wants her to go. Things got a bit heated; no-one swore or threw insults around but I did end up crying. And the DHT did say several times “I don’t get what the issue, I can’t see any reason (DDs name) can’t join us” and another teacher heard the discussion and came in to try to mediate unsuccessfully. Meeting ended with no resolution as it was end of the day and I had to join the queue to get DD and DHT had to be with her class.

I’m now worried that DD is going to be seen as strange or odd. DHT is DDs Maths teacher (but not class teacher) so I didn’t want to make things worse.

I don’t think anything can reassure me that it will be ok. I don’t know why I feel like this. DD went away with Cubs in the summer and that was wild camping for a week 3 hours’ drive away, not anything like the school trip which is staying in a hostel less than an hour’s drive from home still within the same county we live in and I had absolutely no qualms sending her with Cubs in fact I cheered after I’d dropped her. She was fine, worst thing that happened was she got stung by a nettle but she coped. And I don’t think that’s what I’m worried about.

How bad are things going to be for DD next week? Or will they be trying to get her to persuade me to send her? As I said I’m not concerned about the money.

She she misses out because you have issues, is that fair on her?

Trust your intuition. A relative of mine was saved because someone told him not to drive home cos they had a bad feeling. He still went but was more aware and slower than he’d normally drive. He had an accident but fortunately he was fine if a bit shook up. If he’d been going his normal speed he’d have been killed instantly as he hit a wall. Policeman who attended said he’d had people say that before and it’s saved their lives.

@Year5For3days Ignore the shaming on here and follow your instincts

an instinct is a sudden gut feeling, the OPs posts suggest she is having a prolonged thought out (to the extent of a meeting) meltdown about the whole trip. Not the same and it is not shaming, a question is asked and answered with an opinion.

Hi @Year5For3days

I’m in the minority here but it’s completely your decision to make.
The school cannot force you and shouldn’t be harassing you about her going.

I stopped my DC going on a residential in a youth hostel because of a safeguarding issue the school & hostel were unprepared to change.
My child didn’t miss out on much at all.

If your DD doesn’t go, it will not make an ounce of difference to her future schooling or friendship groups. It will all be forgotten in a matter of days after and they’ll be doing similar type work in school on those days anyway.

Go with your gut.

@boscabosco No it isn't! 😆

What absolute nonsense.

Person in state of anxiety is anxious and ends up having an accident. That's perfectly rational and understandable. It's got fuck all to do with a premonition and everything to do with not being in a fully fit state to drive!!!

I worked in outdoor education for 20 years. I ran outdoor centres and educational visits in schools. I have also volunteered with the Scouts.

School visits are above and beyond Scouts in every respect… not that scouts are bad, just schools are ‘extra’. School residential visits (not just those to outdoor centres) are so regulated and risk managed that the most dangerous part of the visit is travelling to the centre by road.

There is perceived risk in the activities, such as rock climbing or kayaking. The participant will feel challenged by heights/water etc or feeling ‘adventurous’. Chances of anything going wrong are microscopic.

You’re massively overthinking this, the teacher will not spend nearly as much time as you thinking about this. They will be far too busy to do that. Nobody at the school really cares whether your daughter goes or not. The trip will go ahead, the school will still function and then the trip will be over. The real issue is not how your daughter will get treated at school the week of the trip. The issue is how you handle your anxiety. That’s not something a thread in an anonymous internet forum can help you with.

"Policeman who attended said he’d had people say that before and it’s saved their lives."

Utter nonsense 🤣. Op, you're stopping your child going on trips because of your own anxiety. It's not great. Apologise to the teacher (who will also apologise back I'm sure) and get her booked on the trip

If she wants to go, I would let her. She won't suffer at school because you argued with the DHT. She might suffer if you hold her back because of your anxiety. Sorry to be harsh, but that kind of anxiety does effect the child's own coping mechanism eventually.

If you don't want your child to go on the trip then she doesn't go. The headteacher has no business arguing with you about it and certainly will not be saying anything to your DD about it this week or at any other time.

@PyongyangKipperbang I think this is great advice. OP - please sit down and talk to your DD over the weekend and ask her to expand on why she’s nervous/reluctant to stay over. Then have another chat with the school on Monday to see if any further accommodations can be made to reassure her. Depending on their response, make your decision on if she can go or not.

I do think, as her Mum, you should be trying to encourage her to embrace these experiences, as they are all part of growing up and making that transition from child to teen. It is for you and the school to work out a way to make it happen rather than discouraging it, particularly if your DD does want to go but just has some nervousness that can hopefully be allayed.

I remember going on a number of these residentials, at Primary, Secondary and Sixth Form (both UK and abroad) and I still talk about some of the funny things that happened today….I’m now 41!

It's really odd for the DHT to try and pressure you to send your DD on a residential trip.

To me it seemed like the DHT was trying to get to the bottom of the reason the OP was denying her daughter this trip away with her friends and was trying to alleviate her anxiety but the OP didn't have any real concerns, just 'funny feelings'. Unless the OP can give concrete reasons or allow the school to help her I'm not surprised the DHT got frustrated.

How often did he drive home ignoring the 'bad feeling' and everything as fine?

If you’re adamant she’s not going then that’s that, but she definitely won’t get treated any differently next week, well not to her detriment anyway. If anything I think the DHT and other teachers will be extra nice to her, they probably feel a bit sorry for her, she might be the only one not going, just because her mother has a ‘funny feeling’.

I’m 43 and can vividly remember the residential trip I went on in Primary school, I still see one of the girls I shared a room with, I can remember the name of the hotel. On the Sunday night the teachers let us stay up and watch the Darling Buds of May in the hotel bar, there was a scene involving a bubble bath and all us kids thought it was quite raunchy. I was allowed to order new trainers from Kays catalog to take on the trip. Proper lifelong memories.

You said that you’d had a bad feeling about something before, and on that occasion you were proved right.
I think you should follow your instinct on this occasion.
Premonition is a real thing. If people have never experienced it they find it difficult to believe. But it’s real.

Yes, your title is correct - you’ve made a big mistake and your daughter will pay for it.

At my kids primary school there was a family who never let their kids go on residential trips. They didn’t want anyone else to drive them that far as they didn’t trust other adults to drive safely. Bizarrely the parents drove them around in a people carrier and none of them wore seatbelts, but that’s another issue.

They used to look so sad, waving off the coach full of happy excited children. I always felt sorry for them.

The teachers won’t think your DD is weird, but they’ll think you’re weird, and they’ll feel sorry for your DD.

Confirmation bias is real.
Premonitions aren't.

HTH.

What happened last time?

The only one who loses out here is your daughter

Trust your gut instinct. Seems very unprofessional of the DHT to have reacted that way too.

I don't have anxiety and I occasionally get these feelings where something bad will happen

On the occasions I've ignored it I've often regretted doing so. Obviously when I've listened and not done whatever I should have I have no idea whether it's the right decision 🤷

I assumed the op was talking about her daughter’s anxiety, not her own, until I read on. That said, a ‘bad feeling’ can be really hard to overcome, and I think as a single parent without another adult to run things by, it can be hard to overcome one’s own worries. But schools are really well-equipped to make accommodations and it sounds like they want to work positively with you. Sleep in it, and take a fresh look again before Monday. It sounds to me like they’d love to include her.

👀