I’ve made the biggest mistake today with School and my DD will pay for it

[Year5For3days]

DD is 9, Year 5.

Going on residential trip for 3 days at the end of November with School.

Had a meeting about it today to discuss some minor adjustments we’re talking small things like sleeping arrangements and giving of medication we’re not talking huge issues or things that can’t be overcome which makes me feel even worse. I’ve had a bad feeling about it since it was announced. I don’t know why; DD goes away with her dad (my ex-husband) and Scouts (Cubs) all the time and I never feel weird or strange about it. Scouts have never had a meeting with me about it I think that was why, but I know they’re different to school.

I told the Deputy Head running the trip how I felt and it descended into an argument between me and her. I didn’t mean for it to happen and I know she feels strongly about it, she’s run the trip every year since she started working at the school in 2013 (which is the year before DD was born ironically) and nothing has ever gone wrong, ever apparently. They’ve had 1 minor injury in all those years - a bumped head on the last day and the child still got on the bus and came back to school with them, and 1 bout of sickness where 2 kids were sent home, otherwise it’s always ran without a hitch.

But I have a really bad feeling about it, and I can’t describe it. It’s not about the money, I’d happily pay for DD to stay at school or keep her home for the 3 days. I couldn’t describe it and that’s why it turned into an argument I think, I’m keeping my stance that DD is not going, and the DHT wants her to go. Things got a bit heated; no-one swore or threw insults around but I did end up crying. And the DHT did say several times “I don’t get what the issue, I can’t see any reason (DDs name) can’t join us” and another teacher heard the discussion and came in to try to mediate unsuccessfully. Meeting ended with no resolution as it was end of the day and I had to join the queue to get DD and DHT had to be with her class.

I’m now worried that DD is going to be seen as strange or odd. DHT is DDs Maths teacher (but not class teacher) so I didn’t want to make things worse.

I don’t think anything can reassure me that it will be ok. I don’t know why I feel like this. DD went away with Cubs in the summer and that was wild camping for a week 3 hours’ drive away, not anything like the school trip which is staying in a hostel less than an hour’s drive from home still within the same county we live in and I had absolutely no qualms sending her with Cubs in fact I cheered after I’d dropped her. She was fine, worst thing that happened was she got stung by a nettle but she coped. And I don’t think that’s what I’m worried about.

How bad are things going to be for DD next week? Or will they be trying to get her to persuade me to send her? As I said I’m not concerned about the money.

I'm sorry but no, what you need to do is sign her up for the trip and let her know she can go and THEN sort out what is going on for you whilst putting on a brave face for your DD and letting her get excited about it.

Anxiety is awful, trust me I know, but you simply CANNOT let your issues become your daughters. You can't. Your job as a parent is to raise a well adjusted, resilient child who is ready for the world away from her parents and school residential trips are an important step in building their independence.

Do the right thing OP.

Your 'bad feeling' is your anxiety not some kind of premonition. The DHT was clearly annoyed because you don't have any reason to stop her going and this made her frustrated. She probably could have handled that better but it's a human reaction. Please get your anxiety in perspective and let your DD go on the trip.

So let me get this straight:
You air your worries in the playground about DD going
The school get wind of this, offer up a meeting, listen to the accommodations you need and agree to do them
You shout at them and tell them she can't go
But zero mention about what DD wants to do in all this?
If she doesn't want to go, don't send her. If she does, send her.
Simple.
I have anxiety too OP. I do NOT let it affect my children. I smile and wave when they go in residentials and then go home and compulsively check the school fb page for updates and don't sleep. But they have their fun.

Quite surprised at some of the responses tbh, I would trust your gut. And I think the dht was incredibly unprofessional in getting heated and pressuring you. If you’ve decided it’s not in best interests then that’s that. And if your fears are correct and things are bad for your dd I would be putting in a huge complaint to govs of school. Under no circumstances should they discuss it with her or influence her at all.

What are they doing on the trip?

But she hasn’t decided it’s in her daughters best interest. She has decided it’s in her own best interest because she has a bad feeling based on nothing.

there is nothing to suggest that the school can’t deal with her daughters minor needs. School have shown they cater for her needs. She still isn’t happy.

as the parent of a medically complex child I fully get the idea of not being there is scary at times but you can’t let that hold you child back.

I'd say "trust your gut' too.

Your intuition is there to protect you. I work in education, at a previous employers we had two children die in a road traffic accident on the way to a trip. I had to walk past their memorial tree every time I went for lunch. If your intuition is telling you to keep her home, withdraw her from the trip

I think it's important to pick out if your anxiety around this trip is based on your daughter's feelings. Not wanting to stay the night seems that, she too, is a little worried. Maybe she just does not feel ready or you need a chat to find out what she's worrying about (she may be picking up on your anxiety and need reassurance).
My son didn't want to go in year 5. I thought he'd regret it so sent him. He wouldn't talk to me for weeks after as he'd been miserable all week.. The children that stayed behind had a great time.
He went again in year 6 and loved it. He was that bit older and ready for it.
The cost is not insignificant. I'd only just paid of year 1 when 2 came around and we couldn't do a holiday ourselves that year due to it.
Do you think you could do the days only? It may be a lovely compromise.
Or use the money and have a wonderful trip together instead and then there's no missing out.
School will make it special for her if she stays.
My daughter is worried about this year but I think she should go as she wants to. I'm building her up with some sleepovers with another child who feels the same. Maybe you could do that?
What ever you decide, good luck.
My son does not remember anything about being cross and upset 13 years on so it will all be water under the bridge soon enough,

Get a grip OP, your anxiety is essentially ruining your DD school trip. It's very unfair to do this to her. Sort yourself out.

@DsTTy what a ridiculous thing to post for anyone, let alone someone as anxious as the OP! I work for the coroners office, I deal with death all day long. I still let me children go and experience things because if I didn't, they would lose out. Think before you type this crap again.

It's your decision of course.

My daughter has a friend whose parents didn't want her to go on the primary residential trips. So she didn't go, just attended class with the year below for a few days. Now they're grown up and her friend still feels wistful that she missed those experiences. She says it wasn't just the trips themselves but the build-up and anticipation...other children were excited, she was sad every time it was mentioned. Also the memories she doesn’t have. It was a small school, they all went to the same secondary so the trips still come up in conversation. It's an exciting care-free time that doesn't come again.

If the trip is only an hour away and in the same county, could you agree with the DHT for her to go that you're happy to collect her if she's homesick? But other than that, let her go and book something fun for yourself while she's away (lunch out with a friend, cinema etc) to look forward to and talk about together. Change the focus a bit.

Good luck.

School will want everyone to have the opportunity to go. That's why they are keen to find out why so any barriers can be overcome. It's not for them or you, but for your daughter. She is their priority not your feelings. It's not personal its about everyone being included. At the end of the day you don't have to give permission but do it for the right reasons.

I agree. Think about how it makes me feel @DsTTy

I have to let my dd go and do things and with an unpredictable medical condition like hers and it’s hard. The reality is she is a lot more likely to die than the average person from something, which most of us consider mundane. She is Yr 11 and will shortly be doing a lot of things alone. All I can hope is that I’ve done enough to teach her to protect herself.

My intuition has told me I have an important but unknown mission and unspecified but huge power to wield in the world. It's also told me that sinister forces are massing against me and everyone around me wants me to suffer. Sometimes it's told me I shouldn't go out for weeks, or that I should run joyfully down A-roads as I'm invulnerable. Intuition can just be boring old mental illness doing its mental illness thing. Talking about those poor dead children doesn't help anyone — what, they died because their parents failed to receive or heed some mysterious advance warning from the universe? Or what?

Couldn't agree more DumboHimalayan. So then all children who have died in the world is the result of a mother not listening to her intuition???

@DsTTy what an absurd and awful point to make.

I work in schools, have done for decades and there has never, ever been an accident. (I live in Switzerland so this includes skiing and hiking trips in the mountains).
I had to let my DS (10) who has anxiety, ASD and ADHD go on a trip last year with a teacher who clearly doesn't like him, my anxiety was through the roof as he is a quiet child who likes routine and home.
He went, he had a great time with his friends and still talks about it a lot.

My point is, it's about inclusion and social development, trying new things and experiencing life away from your comfort zone and family unit.

You can put your finger on it, OP, and you have. It's your anxiety. Children grow, start to try new things and we should do our best to support them, even (especially) when it means putting your anxieties to one side.

@Year5For3days I've had a read through all of your replies but the one thing I cannot see you say is whether your daughter wants to go.

I also have anxiety and one of the things people don't really talk about much is it can make you centre yourself in situations you are anxious about. Your thoughts and feelings become the main focus and when the situation is about your child, you do need to be mindful of that.

What nonsense. Are you claiming that those children's parents ignored intuition and it's all their fault that their children were dead? Would it be OK for us all to stop our children on random days from going to school because we claim our intuition tells us something might happen to them?

Your post does however demonstrate to OP that her child is in more danger crossing the road or walking along the pavement every day than she is likely to be on the school trip.

Yes, whether or not people agree with the OPs position is kind of irrelevant in that if that’s her decision, the school should accept it. It sounds like the DHT is taking OPs anxieties as a personal slight and reacting very defensively!

@Whyohwhywyoming or they may be thinking that OP’s anxieties are having a detrimental impact on her child

Sorry, your thread was too long for me to read all of your PPs answers @Year5For3days, but I have read all of your posts (on this thread).

I presume that most Mumsnetters, and possibly you as well OP, will think that my reply to you is "woo woo", and actually I suppose I agree with everyone who does think that. But - and this may sound like I am contradicting myself - I think that it is a legitimate woo woo fear! My thoughts are:

Many years ago, my then young child (8 y.o.) was supposed to have her tonsils out due to suffering from recurring, and horrible, symptoms of tonsillitis, we had even been given the date of the operation. But I suddenly realised that I was dreading her having the operation - and my fear for her was much more than is normal when any of one's own children are going to have an operation - my main fear was about the general anesthetic that she would have had to have had.

So I wrote to her consultant, apologising and telling him that I was cancelling her operation. Her consultant replied very quickly (I was not sure that I would even get a written response directly to me) telling me that neither he, nor any of the anaesthetists he usually used, had ever lost a patient, and he almost promised me that nothing bad would happen to her. However, my very strong feeling of foreboding did not lessen at all after reading his reply, so I did not reinstate the operation.

In some ways I wish I could tell you dramatically that something very bad did happen in that operating room, on the date my DD's operation 'should' have happened (of course in realty I would have been devastated if anything had happened to anyone else), but I am not aware of anything untoward and/or unexpected that happened anywhere on that day. My only stab at vindicating myself is that my DD - who is now middle-aged - has never had another episode of tonsillitis.

On another occassion when I was out with my DH in the evening (which was a very rare occurrence in those days), my DH was trying to find a parking space (city centre), but when I pointed one out he didn't like it as it would have been a bit of an awkward space to get into (he was a very capable driver in those days), and possibly out of as well. My DH then noticed another parking space about 100 yards further along, on the other side of the road. He went to park there, but I suddenly got a strong feeling that parking there would not be good idea. Unfortunately my DH ignored my 'feeling', and when we returned to the car about 3 hours later, the rear nearside window had been smashed and my favourite - and only - winter coat had been stolen. Luckily we had not left anything else easily removable in the car, and they didn't seem to have tried to actually steal the car.

I have had about 3 other occassions which could have been described as having "woo" connections, but which can't be proved one away or another.

Please @Year5For3days, listen to your gut on this occassion. You may never know whether your foreboding is correct or not, and you may well have a slightly dissapointed DC on your hands, along with a small lack of a particulsr experience, and an affronted DHT, but those should be about the only negatives connected with this situation.

If, however, you do change your mind OP, and despite dreading it, you do let your DD go on this trip, just imagine what your and your family's lives will be like, if the worst thing does happen and you all suffer from a tragic outcome. In my mind, and because of how strongly you feel about your DD going on this trip, please do not change your mind again -

Disappointment versus a possible tragedy, makes, imo, a very easy decision...

It’s not because of disabilities though. It’s because her mum had a ‘bad feeling’ her mum is allowing her anxiety to spoil her daughters trip. That’s not ok

It's really interesting.... normally when a woman talks about her gut instinct about a man in her life , we give it great credence. Eg if she says 'I can't put my finger on it... something just doesn't feel right' we tend to tell her to listen to her gut.... that you don't need to justify calling it off, if it doesn't feel right.... that our instincts, even if we can't explain it, are there to protect us and almost always right.

Why is this different?

OP, I wouldn't worry about the fall out from the conversation. First, I suspect the teacher will be angry with herself (rather than you) and embarrassed that she let a conversation get out of hand, failed to extend a calm, reassuring response etc.... second, teachers are very used to separating their feelings for the child from their feelings for parents.

On your instincts, I would just try to centre yourself and be curious.... is it unnecessary anxiety? Or have you actually picked up something subtle that might be giving you this instinct? It might be around how your DD's physical or emotional health is, if something really subtle has changed recently.... or it might be that one of the teachers on the information call was giving off strange vibes... could be anything that has given you this feeling.

I don't believe in magical predictions of the future. But I do believe we absorb a wealth of information unconsciously which can explain these gut instincts.

OP I have a tendency to catastrophise. With me, it's part of depression, which is diagnosed, although I suspect there's some undiagnosed anxiety thrown in. And the thing is, sometimes I'm right and bad things happen, which feeds the idea that I'm right to catastrophise. However, most of the time everything is fine and my doom-laden thoughts are way off. And that's the trouble. If I always make the same basic prediction - it's always going to go wrong - very occasionally I'll be right. It would be the same if I always thought it was going to rain, sometimes I'd be right, sometimes I wouldn't.

So you have to try and work out if your gut feeling is based on evidence, or if it's your anxiety speaking. Have you got some tools to work on your anxiety and work out these kinds of things? When you are calm, sit down and work through what your anxiety is based on with this trip. But please, don't let your life be hemmed in by unnecessary fears. And really, really, don't inflict that on your daughter as well.