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Original poster

Anyone admit to loving their partner more than their kids

154 replies

looking4pup · 04/11/2023 09:38

Do you love your DH, BF, Partner more than your children?

Do you prioritise and care for them more than your DC?

I don't mean "it's a different sort of love" "I love them both but in different ways" I mean if you were on a sinking ship and had to choose or hypothetically he moved away to the other side of the world and your child had to stay what would you do?

My DH works away for months at a time. It's just been me and 2 dd's 11 and 13 really. That's just for info in case I'm asked. My answer is no I love my kids more and would choose them over anything.

I'm just being nosey and curious if anyone does prefer their husband.

OP posts:
Lastchancechica · 04/11/2023 15:04

Blubbled · 04/11/2023 13:54

@Lastchancechica In such cases, children may be taken into care, which is usually a lst resort as Social Services try to keep families together, or at least keep children with one parent if they possibly can. That was the case when I was working with children and families in the late 80s and early 90s anyway. Sadly, this meant that sometimes children weren't removed when they should have been. We know of the worst cases because they're reported in the media.
As for the long-term effects on children as they grow and become adults, it does indeed cause them difficulties to some degree or another. Some end up as patents of adult mental health services, some may end up repeating the dysfunctions of their parents. It must be even more difficult nowadays to access the right sort of help as mental health services have been so under-resourced for so long; it worries me TBH.
Some do come through it and function very well in life. That may be due to highly skilled therapy, or having another very caring source of support like a fiend's family, a "family" made up of good friends or, on occasions, just something in their character that helps them. There's a book called "A Child Called It" by a man called David Pelzer. He managed to come out a an horrific childhood as an empathic, caring and ultimately, successful person. He's written other books as well. I'd recommend reading "A Child Called It" but it's a harrowing read; you'd have to be feeling well in yourself to be able for it but his ability to rise above what was done to him is uplifting and inspirational.

Thank you very much for your reply, I wonder what happens in their relationships? Are they able to accept and offer love? To trust? I started to imagine how it feels in violent/neglectful environments where there is no protection from either parent, how do they achieve a feeling of safety? Security even in later life. I will definitely read the book. It’s a really interesting thread.

Lastchancechica · 04/11/2023 15:16

Disillusioned11 · 04/11/2023 14:25

Conditional love is not about control. It’s about loving someone for who they are, their character, their values, their spirit and self not their mere existence. That’s where self esteem comes from - from being loved for the person you are - not for being born. Anyway, we shall agree to disagree and move on.

Edited
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I find your post very curious. We have agreed that conditional love means that a parent withdraws their love and connection if they feel disapproval of their child’s behaviour/decisions or actions such as committing a crime?

You are now saying that conditional love is ‘loving someone for who they are’ their ‘character’ and ‘values’, but this is incorrect. If your parents love is conditional, they will only love you if you fit with their expectations of you. Your values must be the same as theirs, as by default your parents can choose to withdraw if your values/actions ever differ from theirs.

Unconditional love is when a child’s character is embraced regardless of whether it ‘fits in’ with their parents, they are loved and wholly accepted for who they are with no caveats.

So were you offered unconditional love as a child or not? Your posts seem confused.

If your parents said I will only love you for as long as you abide by the law, adhere to this or that value system etc. That is conditional love and not loving you for who you are. They will love you only as far as you are willing to live by their rules, abide by their values and perceptions.

GG1986 · 04/11/2023 15:31

My children come first, I love my partner but in a different way. No way would i ever leave my kids. I have met someone who said she loves her husband more and would choose her husband over her kids, shocking really!

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Families
Branleuse · 04/11/2023 15:38

such a ridiculous question. It always makes me feel the same as when one of my kids asks me which of them is my favourite, or in what order they love various family members, or which is their favourite pet and ranking them.
The answer varies according to my mood, but tbh, my answer is always going to be private. My kids I love unconditionally, but also theyre either adults or not far off, and much of the time I am thinking how much easier everything will be once theyve moved out, and me and dh can just do our own thing. I love us all, and we all love each other, and hopefully if there was a sinking ship then we would all try and save who is closest and try and save ourselves.

ohsuzannah · 04/11/2023 16:21

I spent my whole childhood hearing that my mother would choose my father over us. I don't think she liked me very much. I've never had much self confidence, maybe that's why!

EmmaDilemma5 · 04/11/2023 16:22

karmasacat · 04/11/2023 10:20

Our relationship is my priority. I don’t know about loving more or less, but we decided a long time ago that our relationship would always be the focus, and from that everything else flows. Happy marriages make happy children, in my experience. It’s worked so far.

That's sad. Of course we all try hard at our relationships, but your children's needs should come first, every time. The fact you're prioritising romantic love over parental love is unusual and I wonder if you have baggage from your upbringing that you're bringing into your adult life.

GettingSickOfYourNonsense · 04/11/2023 16:23

I've been married for 43 years, so our kids are very grown-up, but I'd still choose them over him.

Cupcakekiller · 04/11/2023 16:41

Love for kids is different- it's innate, instinctual and ingrained. I couldn't turn it off even if one of them committed a horrible crime. It isn't based on what my children are like as people.

Romantic love is conditional and a choice and based on someone's character and compatibility. It can still be incredibly strong but can also end or fade.

TheaBrandt · 04/11/2023 17:06

Totally agree that when they are small and defenceless it’s quite different to when they are adults and independent and potentially doing unpleasant things. The protective side is there. Would that view change if you had a great big strong successful adult son and a frail elderly beloved husband? Your protective love would switch?

Also arguably is quite a selfish love because they are part of you so it’s loving yourself in a way.

Differentstarts · 04/11/2023 17:43

Blubbled · 04/11/2023 14:04

@Differentstarts Mental illnesses and personality disorders are not the same thing at all! Someone can be seriously, chronically mentally ill and not have a PD. By the same token, people with PDs may or may not have a mental illness as well!
I don't know what your profession is but what have you been taught? A mental illness can be either treated or , if chronic, like chronic schizophrenia, managed. However, PD's are NOT mental illnesses at all, can rarely be treated and the best that can be hoped for is that the more extreme traits can be managed.
I am concerned that you would regard someone with, for instance, ASPD as having a "mental illness". Why don't you know the difference between an illness and a disorder? If you are a MHP then you should know this.
As for Dependant PD, what would you describe it as if not a weakness of character? Are you saying that no one ever has a weak character? What would you describe someone who will never take responsibility for themselves and is chronically pathologically dependant on others and is has never seemed to demonstrate any progress during therapy as?

Personality disorders are classed as mental illness and absolutely can be treated and managed. Have you ever heard of dbt. A personality disorder for.eg borderline personality disorder is often diagnosed in people who where abused as children would you really call this group of people weak? Plenty of people have made great progress in treatment and fight everyday to either get better. People like you are the reason people don't reach out and why there is still such a stigma around mental health and the fact you worked in mh and hold them views so strongly is disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Differentstarts · 04/11/2023 17:46

BodegaSushi · 04/11/2023 14:34

Even scholars cannot decide whether or not mental illnesses and mental disorders are the same, and definitions vary by country as well. Some use 'mental illness' as an all-encompassing term that covers the full range of mental conditions. Others consider 'mental disorder' to be outdated and 'mental illness' to be the replacement term. Still others consider mental illness to describe all mental conditions and mental disorder to refer to specific symptoms.

If anyone were to do a quick google of 'mental illness' some sites would list mood, anxiety, and personally disorders all as mental illnesses.

Show quote history

Thankyou ❤️

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 04/11/2023 18:05

My children first always.
And if the ship was sinking, DH would tell me to leave him there and gets the kids out.

NashvilleQueen · 04/11/2023 19:04

If it was the other way around would you want your husband to save you rather than your children (on your hypothetical sinking ship)?

TheaBrandt · 04/11/2023 19:08

Well Dh would have to save all of us as I would be sitting there frozen in horror and he is very capable. As is dd1. So dd1 and Dh would have to save dd2 and I in that scenario. Practicality over love.

Butterscotch81 · 04/11/2023 19:09

A million times over, I would choose my 6 year old son. I know people who would choose their husband or boyfriend over their children and actually have and I just think that's awful

TheaBrandt · 04/11/2023 19:12

Obviously if your child is 6 you save them What if your child is 24 and your husband is frail? Then it gets less clear. Surely you help the vulnerable in your group whoever that happens to be?

Gowlett · 04/11/2023 19:17

Wasn’t there a woman a few years ago, that wrote a book about this? Her husband was quite good-looking (she wasn’t) & they had about five kids (I think).

Anyone remember them? It was controversial at the time. Would have been in the Daily Mail / Loose Women etc… Sge was a journalist or a psychologist, or something.

Original poster
looking4pup · 04/11/2023 19:18

partypartypartytime · 04/11/2023 10:54

I always think it must the case (and is so bizarre) when military families say they had to send their kids away to boarding school for stability. I don’t get that. Surely non military parent settles at ‘home’ with kids where they go to school and military parent works away and stays wherever possible. Instead parents stay together and kids only get to come home as and when.

This is what we have done for the past 18 years.

OP posts:
Cupcakekiller · 04/11/2023 19:37

My son is only 17 but he is healthy, strapping and strong. I don't feel any less protective over him than my 7 year old daughter who is a skinny little thing and short for her age. I'd take a bullet for them both and fight anyone who tried to harm them.

bakewellbride · 04/11/2023 19:39

I love my children completely and unconditionally. It is absolutely 100% in breakable. It is utterly indescribable.

I adore dh but the love for a child is just in no way comparable.

Anything else is fucked up imo. My own mother didn't love me the way she should have done and failed to protect me and that caused me deep scars. Many years of no contact and I will never have anything to do with her ever again, she's no mother of mine.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 04/11/2023 19:41

It makes more biological sense to protect your children over your husband.
.
Actually the opposite When I lived overseas near a large area belonging to the indigenous population who were nomadic, they always said if you were crossing an unknown river you sent the dogs first, then the old people, then the kids, then your breeding age people, then more kids, old people and dogs. On the grounds that predators go for outliers so you put your most expendable members there.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 04/11/2023 19:47

I love them in completely different ways but would always chose my children.

I once worked for a lady who told me she puts her relationship with her husband first because one day the children will leave home but he will still be there so that relationship needed nurtured. I thought that was incredibly sad even as a childless 20 something. Now im a 40 year old mum of 3 i cant imagine ever putting any relationship before my children.

storypushers · 04/11/2023 20:18

TheaBrandt · 04/11/2023 11:55

Usually an adult son marries and joins another family and basically ignores his own family. They make an effort. A parent gets ill and he still doesn’t get back in touch - the parent dies and survivor reaches end of tether and cuts him out entirely.

The child outright rejects the parent and doesn’t tell the parent why.

Child gets into drink or drugs and is too far gone parent tries to help but has to give up,

Yes this usually happens!

NeverNotDreaming · 04/11/2023 20:29

I’d save the kids and my husband would want me to as well. Likewise with me. He’d better not even hesitate.

MrsRandom123 · 04/11/2023 20:43

No & No. I love my husband but i love my children in a different way and yes i would say more & have no issue saying it. I would always put them first and i would expect him to do the same.