Anyone admit to loving their partner more than their kids

[looking4pup]

Do you love your DH, BF, Partner more than your children?

Do you prioritise and care for them more than your DC?

I don't mean "it's a different sort of love" "I love them both but in different ways" I mean if you were on a sinking ship and had to choose or hypothetically he moved away to the other side of the world and your child had to stay what would you do?

My DH works away for months at a time. It's just been me and 2 dd's 11 and 13 really. That's just for info in case I'm asked. My answer is no I love my kids more and would choose them over anything.

I'm just being nosey and curious if anyone does prefer their husband.

In some relationships where there is domestic abuse, it will come down to a choice. Your partner or your children. The partner is often chosen, and the children have to be removed for their own safety. The mother has failed to prioritise the needs of her children over her abusive partner. It’s complex, and an extreme example. I’m not sure if that is the kind of situation that demonstrates a greater love for the partner. Is it love? I’m not sure.

I would naturally protect my children above a partner in a life or death situation but I would definitely prioritise my partner in life within reason. The reality is kids grow up and leave and have their own families. A partner is for life (hopefully). I do however love my children unconditionally as my partner I have conditions.

I love DH very much, and he loves me. We would both gladly sacrifice the other for DS, that's completely normal!

This is my parents. I get it and never felt less than or not loved. Love isn't finite.

I'd definitely always choose my son over my STBX husband, even when I used to love him. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't? And, as it's turned out, my son is a far better man than my STBX husband is anyway, so there's that!
The love between spouses is always conditional. It can die, or be destroyed, for many reasons- cheating, addictions, all sorts of abuses. But one's love for one's children is unconditional, or at least, it should be.
I would think the frequency of divorce in couples whose child has been murdered would indicate that most people do indeed love their children unconditionally but the love for the spouse is conditional. That's only natural I think. Romantic love always has a selfish element to it, whereas a good-enough parent's love for their child is selfless. Of course, in abusive families, this is not the case, as the willingness to love selflessly is missing in one or both parents.

I always thought I was a selfish person but since having my son i know I would die for him if it came to it. I've never felt that way before, it's instinct. I love my DH so much but it's a different love and not primal.

No , love my partner but I would die for my son. I love him more than anyone.

It really isn't that simple. They aren't comparable. "Love" isn't a linear spectrum where one person sits further up it than others. You may prioritise some people more, and put other people first in certain circumstances, but that doesn't mean you love them more or less than others. A person who chooses to save their child on a sinking ship doesn't love their partner less. A parent who moves to the other side of the world with their life partner doesn't mean they "love" their partner more than their children. All it means is that they made a judgment and decided this action took priority. That judgment will be based on a lot more than "love".

I would always put my children first. I would expect my husband to do the same
Sinking ship = children saved first.

This.
I've come across this through my job and it makes no sense to me but does happen. I know it's complex.
Similarly sometimes a person will stay with a sex offender meaning they lose their children. Very sad.

My parents would definitely chose each other over me but I don’t have a problem with that at all and never felt ‘damaged’ because of it🤷‍♀️ They loved me too and now I’m an adult they have each other and don’t ‘need’ me for anything.

And clearly I’m different to most other posters because I do not love my child unconditionally. If he beats up his girlfriends or rapes someone or is a paedophile I would not love him. I think this blind ‘unconditional love’ for children is worrisome actually but probably explains the vast amount of mothers who support their dreadful sons no matter what.

I know that I could live without my husband as much as I love him. I don't think I could survive mentally intact if I lost my daughter, I think she'd take part of me with her and I can't imagine the pain.

I lost both my parents in my 20s, have lost all my grandparents. I've seen and experienced bereavement and I've survived and been stronger in some ways every time.

What I feel for my child though, the need to keep her safe, the protective surge when I think she might be in danger, the pride when she learns something new or does something that she didn't think she could do, the joy of just curling up on the sofa cuddling with her while we watch a movie.....

The example above is complex due to the nature of domestic abuse and how vulnerable the women are and how insidious and pervasive the psychological abuse is. But day after day on here, we read threads from mothers who are not in abusive situations who are prioritising a new man over their children, who are so desperate to have a man, any man, that they put their children into unsafe situations etc. The hypothetical “oh I’d die for my kids/push dh off the lifeboat/push dh in front of the speeding car” situations are easy rhetoric, and we all know these situations are extremely unlikely to actually arise. But in real life, situations that arise are things like wanting to move a new man in when the mother hardly knows him herself, or having a new man treat the kids badly, or kids disliking a new man, and in far too many cases the mother ploughs on, very clearly demonstrating that she’s not putting the needs of her kids first, she’s putting a man who isn’t even related to them afraid of them. Those threads are awfully sad.

Through my work I see so many people who are estranged from their adult kids. It’s not rare at all.

Children adult or tiny come first every time. A husband is replaceable. A child is not. We are parents forever not just for Christmas.

Of the few posts that do prioritise their relationship just out of interest how do your children feel about that? How sad for them, that they are no one’s priority.

Also you don’t know how you would act in extremis. It’s easy to type how you would jump off boats etc. Bollocks. The only time my toddler was in actual danger and I literally froze.

Most people aren’t weirdly binary in who they love most and manage to love their whole family in a normal healthy way.

Is there usually a common reason or is it just individual? Wondering out of interest. Would hate to fall out with my son when he's an adult!

It sounds like you have accepted your conditional parental love, and sadly have passed it on to your own children.

Unconditional love offered to children makes it less likely to raise a serial rapist not more likely, as the child grows up with full self esteem, feeling valued and loved and mentally healthy. There is less need to exert power and control.

@PinkyBlueMe Yes, this does happen and it's down to either extreme weakness of character (such as with Dependant Personality Disorder, a Cluster C PD), a refusal to love their children selflessly ( indicative of Cluster B Personality Disorder traits) or the sad fact the mother has been so ground down, gaslit and hollowed-out by abuse, she's lost her agency, ability to tell truth from lies and is unable to find the inner strength to put her children first.
This is why I refer to "good-enough" parents in my post above. I used to work in child and family mental health and this is the term that was used to describe emotionally healthy parents who lead functional families, and they are the majority, thankfully.
The sorts of parents you describe are thus, not good enough. Harsh, but considering the damage they do or enable to be done to their defenceless children, true!

Usually an adult son marries and joins another family and basically ignores his own family. They make an effort. A parent gets ill and he still doesn’t get back in touch - the parent dies and survivor reaches end of tether and cuts him out entirely.

The child outright rejects the parent and doesn’t tell the parent why.

Child gets into drink or drugs and is too far gone parent tries to help but has to give up,

The reason my ex gave for leaving was that I loved our children more than I loved him. I thought " you know, that's probably right" but whereas I didn't see anything wrong with that, he did!

Like many other PP’s my love for the kids is unconditional and requires no effort. That’s not the case with my DH. I can’t imagine a situation where the children wouldn’t be in my life. I love my DH a lot but if he treated me badly I’d cut him out of my life in a heartbeat.

Also like many other PP’s, my parents didn’t feel the same way. They always put each other first. They ended up divorcing and then put their new partners first too. Maybe it’s a generational thing. Or maybe they’re just twats.

Yup that's what you see in tragic child abuser situations

@sammylady37 yep, I was that kid..