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Original poster

Anyone admit to loving their partner more than their kids

154 replies

looking4pup · 04/11/2023 09:38

Do you love your DH, BF, Partner more than your children?

Do you prioritise and care for them more than your DC?

I don't mean "it's a different sort of love" "I love them both but in different ways" I mean if you were on a sinking ship and had to choose or hypothetically he moved away to the other side of the world and your child had to stay what would you do?

My DH works away for months at a time. It's just been me and 2 dd's 11 and 13 really. That's just for info in case I'm asked. My answer is no I love my kids more and would choose them over anything.

I'm just being nosey and curious if anyone does prefer their husband.

OP posts:
Lastchancechica · 04/11/2023 12:51

Disillusioned11 · 04/11/2023 12:40

It hit no nerve at all other than extreme irritation at the your presumption to characterize myself and my family based on one sentence.

I completely disagree with you (although I will not be so presumptuous, arrogant or rude as to then extrapolate out that there is an issue with your family!). I don’t not believe that confidence and safety come from unconditional love. I think that confidence and safety come from children learning boundaries and understanding that being liked and being loved is conditional on being a decent human being. Obviously we all make mistakes and children in particular need to learn but unconditional means with conditions or restrictions so no I would not love anyone without conditions. I would not love a child abuser or rapist

Show quote history

We will have to agree to disagree.
Most/many parents do still love their children regardless of the crimes they have committed. They would give their lives to save them.

I am sorry you haven’t experienced love like that.

If you are only offered conditional love what are the conditions? Do they change in time? Are they onerous? Do they impede your growth, ambition, internal judgement? Do they feel controlling or benign? Have you got so used to living within the limits someone else has set for you that you have become unaware of any other way to live and feel?

These are the questions that could be asked. Conditional love is not about boundaries, it’s about control. I will only love you if you are x, y and z and live your life the way I expect.

jays · 04/11/2023 12:51

DoktorPeppa · 04/11/2023 09:44

There's something wrong with anybody who loves their partner more than their children

I can’t help but agree.

Olika · 04/11/2023 12:54

I would always choose our DD.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
TheaBrandt · 04/11/2023 12:55

Totally agree with disillusioned and titicacas posts on this.

Also eye roll with all these shoving people out of boats nonsense. Bet you wouldn’t. You would sit there frozen in fear like most people.

TheaBrandt · 04/11/2023 12:57

Sorry last chance’s post not disillusioned’s

SwordToFlamethrower · 04/11/2023 12:58

Love isn't a competition is it? I love my husband in a way I can never love my children, which is absolutely correct.

TheaBrandt · 04/11/2023 12:58

Sorry it was disillusioned post I agreed with. Sorry!

Lastchancechica · 04/11/2023 12:59

Blubbled · 04/11/2023 11:53

@PinkyBlueMe Yes, this does happen and it's down to either extreme weakness of character (such as with Dependant Personality Disorder, a Cluster C PD), a refusal to love their children selflessly ( indicative of Cluster B Personality Disorder traits) or the sad fact the mother has been so ground down, gaslit and hollowed-out by abuse, she's lost her agency, ability to tell truth from lies and is unable to find the inner strength to put her children first.
This is why I refer to "good-enough" parents in my post above. I used to work in child and family mental health and this is the term that was used to describe emotionally healthy parents who lead functional families, and they are the majority, thankfully.
The sorts of parents you describe are thus, not good enough. Harsh, but considering the damage they do or enable to be done to their defenceless children, true!

Can you tell us the impact on the child? You say the damage that is caused to the children which is understandable but how do they overcome such a fundamental trauma of being neglected in this way? Of literally having no bedrock or foundations.

Can they recover? What would recovery look like? I can imagine the sense of vulnerability a child would feel in this situation.

MumUndone · 04/11/2023 13:02

Honestly, I don't know. I love my husband and I actively chose him as my partner for life. I love my kids and I chose to have them, but they are hard work and I don't always like being a parent. If I was on a sinking boat I think I would chose myself to go under and my husband to stay with the kids, if I could. He's a better parent than me.

CameleonAreFightingBack · 04/11/2023 13:23

@Disillusioned11 i find your view if the world very sad tbh.

And I’m a bit a loss as what sort if link you make between unconditional love and lack of boundaries.
I've always had strong boundaries with my dcs, stronger than many other parents actually. I still love then unconditionally. I’d even say I’ve given them strong boundaries BECAUSE I love them.
But I’ve never made them feel that my love for them was dependent on them respecting those boundaries. There has never been any need for that 😵‍💫😵‍💫

SealDeal · 04/11/2023 13:27

My partner and I have had this convo and both said, in some sort of hypothetical burning building style situation we both want the other to leave us and save the kids.

I wonder though if this stays the same once your kids are adults, as I know of lots of people who have strained relationships with their parents and or whose parents seem to have chosen partner over (adult) kids.

Blubbled · 04/11/2023 13:54

@Lastchancechica In such cases, children may be taken into care, which is usually a lst resort as Social Services try to keep families together, or at least keep children with one parent if they possibly can. That was the case when I was working with children and families in the late 80s and early 90s anyway. Sadly, this meant that sometimes children weren't removed when they should have been. We know of the worst cases because they're reported in the media.
As for the long-term effects on children as they grow and become adults, it does indeed cause them difficulties to some degree or another. Some end up as patents of adult mental health services, some may end up repeating the dysfunctions of their parents. It must be even more difficult nowadays to access the right sort of help as mental health services have been so under-resourced for so long; it worries me TBH.
Some do come through it and function very well in life. That may be due to highly skilled therapy, or having another very caring source of support like a fiend's family, a "family" made up of good friends or, on occasions, just something in their character that helps them. There's a book called "A Child Called It" by a man called David Pelzer. He managed to come out a an horrific childhood as an empathic, caring and ultimately, successful person. He's written other books as well. I'd recommend reading "A Child Called It" but it's a harrowing read; you'd have to be feeling well in yourself to be able for it but his ability to rise above what was done to him is uplifting and inspirational.

Differentstarts · 04/11/2023 13:54

Blubbled · 04/11/2023 11:53

@PinkyBlueMe Yes, this does happen and it's down to either extreme weakness of character (such as with Dependant Personality Disorder, a Cluster C PD), a refusal to love their children selflessly ( indicative of Cluster B Personality Disorder traits) or the sad fact the mother has been so ground down, gaslit and hollowed-out by abuse, she's lost her agency, ability to tell truth from lies and is unable to find the inner strength to put her children first.
This is why I refer to "good-enough" parents in my post above. I used to work in child and family mental health and this is the term that was used to describe emotionally healthy parents who lead functional families, and they are the majority, thankfully.
The sorts of parents you describe are thus, not good enough. Harsh, but considering the damage they do or enable to be done to their defenceless children, true!

Wow can't you tell you worked in mental health. A personality disorder is a mental illness not an extreme weakness in character. I'm very pleased you no longer work in this field

princefamilypaper · 04/11/2023 13:56

Both me and my husband love our child more than each other. The way it should be IMO

Enderunicorn · 04/11/2023 14:02

No. It would always be the kids and I hope DH would choose the same.
This post makes me think of the kids film The Willoughbys where the parents are very much in love but couldn't give a toss about their kids.

Blubbled · 04/11/2023 14:04

@Differentstarts Mental illnesses and personality disorders are not the same thing at all! Someone can be seriously, chronically mentally ill and not have a PD. By the same token, people with PDs may or may not have a mental illness as well!
I don't know what your profession is but what have you been taught? A mental illness can be either treated or , if chronic, like chronic schizophrenia, managed. However, PD's are NOT mental illnesses at all, can rarely be treated and the best that can be hoped for is that the more extreme traits can be managed.
I am concerned that you would regard someone with, for instance, ASPD as having a "mental illness". Why don't you know the difference between an illness and a disorder? If you are a MHP then you should know this.
As for Dependant PD, what would you describe it as if not a weakness of character? Are you saying that no one ever has a weak character? What would you describe someone who will never take responsibility for themselves and is chronically pathologically dependant on others and is has never seemed to demonstrate any progress during therapy as?

StarDolphins · 04/11/2023 14:08

Absolutely love my child way more than I could ever love anyone else. Dog’s a close second🤣

Holdyournoseandthinkofchocolate · 04/11/2023 14:16

If you ‘love your children more’ do you think that your parents love you more than they love each other?

When I was a child my parents put me and my siblings first. But now I am an adult, their priority is each other. And I am absolutely fine with that!

Personally I would feel quite odd if I thought that my parents ‘loved me more’ and that would make me quite sad because obviously they spend much more time with each other than they do with me.

Love is love. It can take many forms.

And is completely different to ‘who would you save if’ when tons of other things come into play.

BodegaSushi · 04/11/2023 14:19

When I was a child my parents put me and my siblings first. But now I am an adult, their priority is each other. And I am absolutely fine with that!

I think it all has to do with age, and the people your children become. Sometimes your sweet innocent baby grows into a narcissistic asshole.

Disillusioned11 · 04/11/2023 14:25

Lastchancechica · 04/11/2023 12:51

We will have to agree to disagree.
Most/many parents do still love their children regardless of the crimes they have committed. They would give their lives to save them.

I am sorry you haven’t experienced love like that.

If you are only offered conditional love what are the conditions? Do they change in time? Are they onerous? Do they impede your growth, ambition, internal judgement? Do they feel controlling or benign? Have you got so used to living within the limits someone else has set for you that you have become unaware of any other way to live and feel?

These are the questions that could be asked. Conditional love is not about boundaries, it’s about control. I will only love you if you are x, y and z and live your life the way I expect.

Show quote history

Conditional love is not about control. It’s about loving someone for who they are, their character, their values, their spirit and self not their mere existence. That’s where self esteem comes from - from being loved for the person you are - not for being born. Anyway, we shall agree to disagree and move on.

heartofglass23 · 04/11/2023 14:28

My parents loved each other more than me.

TotalOverhaul · 04/11/2023 14:29

No way. I love DH but love my DC far more. The love for DC is really instinctive and visceral. I've never felt anything like it.

I don't know if my mum loved my dad more than us but she certainly always prioritised him over us, all his life. It is one reason we are not that close.

BodegaSushi · 04/11/2023 14:34

Blubbled · 04/11/2023 14:04

@Differentstarts Mental illnesses and personality disorders are not the same thing at all! Someone can be seriously, chronically mentally ill and not have a PD. By the same token, people with PDs may or may not have a mental illness as well!
I don't know what your profession is but what have you been taught? A mental illness can be either treated or , if chronic, like chronic schizophrenia, managed. However, PD's are NOT mental illnesses at all, can rarely be treated and the best that can be hoped for is that the more extreme traits can be managed.
I am concerned that you would regard someone with, for instance, ASPD as having a "mental illness". Why don't you know the difference between an illness and a disorder? If you are a MHP then you should know this.
As for Dependant PD, what would you describe it as if not a weakness of character? Are you saying that no one ever has a weak character? What would you describe someone who will never take responsibility for themselves and is chronically pathologically dependant on others and is has never seemed to demonstrate any progress during therapy as?

Even scholars cannot decide whether or not mental illnesses and mental disorders are the same, and definitions vary by country as well. Some use 'mental illness' as an all-encompassing term that covers the full range of mental conditions. Others consider 'mental disorder' to be outdated and 'mental illness' to be the replacement term. Still others consider mental illness to describe all mental conditions and mental disorder to refer to specific symptoms.

If anyone were to do a quick google of 'mental illness' some sites would list mood, anxiety, and personally disorders all as mental illnesses.

EarthlyNightshade · 04/11/2023 14:52

Disillusioned11 · 04/11/2023 14:25

Conditional love is not about control. It’s about loving someone for who they are, their character, their values, their spirit and self not their mere existence. That’s where self esteem comes from - from being loved for the person you are - not for being born. Anyway, we shall agree to disagree and move on.

Edited
Show quote history

This is an interesting view.
Would you love your children more or less than each other, depending on how close they match your conditions?
I agree with you that it would be hard/impossible to love a rapist or paedophile, but if you already know your love for your DC comes with conditions, I wonder if you would find yourself adding more conditions than those extreme ones?
I love my children because they exist. If I am honest, they are not the best children, several of my friends have better ones - but I am their mother and that seems to supersede that fact.
I would not expect other people to have unconditional love for my kids though, so for their own sakes, they would be better off being decent people.

FloofCloud · 04/11/2023 14:55

Wow! Well kids are literally part of you and need your care so kids come first! My DH would absolutely grab the kids because I'm capable enough to sort myself out, abs vice versa,

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