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Mumsnet bullies

228 replies

Netflixandsnacks · 29/10/2023 12:21

To think that after reading replies on mumsnet, it's obvious that school bullies never change as they get older.
The downright nastiness for no reason, from grown adults. It's horrible to read, especially when it's a thread where the op is already feeling awful or is in a bad situation. These people must really have something awful in their lives to feel the need bring someone else down to make themselves feel better. It's sad really. I feel sorry for people that are that miserable in their own lives.

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 29/10/2023 15:45

PaperSn0wAGhOst · 29/10/2023 12:30

For example-

’I am upset that Matthew Perry has died’

’Jeez get a life, you didn’t even know him, stop being a selfish cow’

Some of those posts were really shocking, no wonder it’s been pulled. There are definitely some people on MN who I can imagine sitting at a keyboard in a dark basement typing vitriol for kicks because they are unable to cultivate healthy relationships in RL.

snowbird21 · 29/10/2023 15:46

I totally agree - often it's deliberately misconstruing what someone is saying and turning it around, then other wading in and really bullying and shouting down a view or action.

HidingBehindTheWallpaper · 29/10/2023 15:48

ABeautifulThing · 29/10/2023 15:41

Is it? I thought it was a comment on choosing to spend your evening being mean to strangers when you could be having a nice bubble bath/doing crochet/colouring in/getting laid/going clubbing/phoning your mum.... Well anything else really!

And that kind of shows the problem.

To you that read as one thing. To me it read that if you aren’t out having a great time on a Saturday night then you are a loser.

SomeCatFromJapan · 29/10/2023 15:49

@MinnieL there's a Reddit group, they use it mostly to trollhunt as that's obviously disallowed on MN. There are probably others as well though.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 29/10/2023 15:51

Livelovebehappy · 29/10/2023 14:14

Bullies are only bullies if you back down and allow them to get away with it. If people are being unnecessarily twattish, then stand your ground, or ignore. The worst thing you can do on here is start apologising for having an opinion, because the bullie then senses weakness and goes in for the kill by stalking the poster all through the thread.

Agree, best thing to do is leave their pathetic attention seeking comments where they are and continue to reply to people who are being constructive. They can't fight with themselves. Getting into a back and forth is never helpful.

ginasevern · 29/10/2023 16:13

@flufferknutter

I've been reading old threads too (early 2000's) and I agree, they are mostly full of genuine advice or nice chatty comments. The spite and bile doesn't seem to have crept in. I wonder if it is a sign of the times. I mean, now that so many people communicate solely via social media or other digital platforms that there has been a disconnect from the fact that you are actually speaking to another human being. This would also encourage the nastier people in this world as they aren't going to get a real life punch in the face.

D20 · 29/10/2023 16:26

Sunday mornings are often so bad on Mumsnet that I’d often rather just read the comments on the daily mail. Some people are just incapable of sitting on their hands and think other people need to hear their ‘valuable’ opinion on a topic where they have never heard of MP or Mrs Hinch.

RainbowConnection1 · 29/10/2023 16:34

I think there's more people on MN who are lonely and stuck at home for whatever reason than we realise.

Many of these people use MN to lash out at others due to the life hand they've been dealt, it's the only power they feel they have and if they're miserable why not try to drag others down their level.

ThelmaBorden · 29/10/2023 16:34

There are also posters who come on looking for a fight. One in the week, soon shut down by MN, chasing a teenage boy from her car - another one asking advice then individually ripping responders heads off, anxious, troubling posters.

What happened to wit, good humour, kind advice, repartee, lucidity, concise responses, critical analysis, paragraphs?

However, there are women who post with the most trivial, banal, easily explained
or sorted queries, men masquerading as women, hesitant mums who should be able to ask their HV, their own mums or gasp MiL baby questions, who are here treated responsibly, put upon wives and girlfriends seeking validation, on and on,
all spoken to courteously.
There are posters who go wandering off, after initial post never to return, whilst the battle rages unhindered.
Some posters would test the patience of a saint.
Many will not accept the obvious, staring them in the face, no wonder responders become exasperated.
Some will post then repeatedly come back making excuses for errant partners until everyone else is fed up and leaves them to it.

Some are obvious windups, they are usually intense and detail ridden
Many dripfeed, crucial information, disingenuous and trifling with responders time and patience

I’m not sure calling people anatomical names or animal epithets is any more worthy than bypassing

Robust argument is fine, as in life now we are required to be tougher without being obnoxious, bullying is seriously anti social and should indeed be called out, being mean is mean, unpleasant up to vicious is not worthy of any response. In a self policing self censoring site as this, weeding out the mauvais herbe should not be too strenuous.
For all those dismayed and despairing mumsnetters leaving the site, consider in your chagrin lingering and weeding, we will soon have this fertile garden flourishing
once again, a safe place for thoughts, questions, sharing, anxieties and FUN! remember fun ?

ABeautifulThing · 29/10/2023 16:42

@ThelmaBorden 👌

ThelmaBorden · 29/10/2023 16:43

gee thanks, blush blush

duchiebun · 29/10/2023 16:49

See now that’s a bitchy comment about those who don’t want to or can’t go out on a Saturday night.

There's certainly an issue with some posters & comprehension!

MinnieL · 29/10/2023 16:51

SomeCatFromJapan · 29/10/2023 15:49

@MinnieL there's a Reddit group, they use it mostly to trollhunt as that's obviously disallowed on MN. There are probably others as well though.

I’m on that group and literally no one goes on there and asks for ‘back up’ so other posters can come on MN to defend them. No one shares their MN usernames on there and a lot of people on the sub are banned from MN anyway. Anyone can follow that sub anyway, it’s not a private group so the pp is talking about something else

duchiebun · 29/10/2023 16:51

@ABeautifulThing thank you, I thought it was pretty obvious what I meant!

capabilityfrowns · 29/10/2023 16:51

I agree

I had a thread pulled where I talked of my late baby loss and was accused over and over of lying . I actually sat crying and ended up posting my memory box to try and prove it

I was at a very low ebb anyway and the responses hurt me , I'd never post anything so personal again ever . I'd rather struggle .

duchiebun · 29/10/2023 16:52

@capabilityfrowns I'm really sorry.

Redlarge · 29/10/2023 16:53

capabilityfrowns · 29/10/2023 16:51

I agree

I had a thread pulled where I talked of my late baby loss and was accused over and over of lying . I actually sat crying and ended up posting my memory box to try and prove it

I was at a very low ebb anyway and the responses hurt me , I'd never post anything so personal again ever . I'd rather struggle .

Im so sorry. This is disgusting

PongPingPong · 29/10/2023 16:54

Trolls? I can't do witty repartee or well-constructed arguments but i will certainly lend a virtual hug to all who need one.

MorvernBlack · 29/10/2023 16:55

80sMum · 29/10/2023 15:19

Why is name changing so vital? Are we supposed to change our names every so often?

I namechange a fair amount, partly because I overshare, not personal information, but it's easy to be recognised online. The other issue is people doing advanced searches on your name and then try to catch you out using info from previous posts (2yrs ago you said you had 3 children, now you have 5, I call bull...OP is a troll blah, blah). Or they can build up quite an identifiable picture of you from piecing together minor details in past posts.
If it wasn't possible to search people's posting history, I'd be tempted to keep the same name.

Mumtime2 · 29/10/2023 16:58

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 29/10/2023 12:45

This is an interesting example.

Firstly, there’s no need to be calling anyone a selfish cow.

The rest of it is harshly and aggressively worded, but the sentiment seems to be “why? Why be upset at the death of someone you never knew and who is just one person, when millions of other people you don’t know who are also ‘just one person’ are dying everywhere all the time?”

Personally, both things (OP and the reply) are totally unnecessary things to say. But that’s 97% of MN really so 🤷‍♀️. I don’t see the reply as bullying, necessarily. It’s aggressively worded - but as everyone knows this is an open internet chat forum. Not everyone is going to post with good language and plenty of forethought, OPs included. You have to expect it. And, the underlying message isn’t a bullying one: it IS weird to get “upset” about something like this. It’s not being sympathetic to the OP, it’s not even walking by silently when you don’t have anything nice to say…..but it’s not bullying, to me.

What is horrific bullying on MN, to me, is the pile on you often see. Post after post after post all saying the same thing. Every poster is entitled to post. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. But sometimes those posts add up to literal hundreds. If the OP is vulnerable, it must feel after a couple of hundred posts that the whole world is against you and coming after you.

I think every user needs to accept responsibility, for posting their OPs and their replies. People are weird. We’re all random strangers. You see a lot of good on MN, but also some horrid stuff.

The op has empathy and re feelings.
This is is no reason to yes Bully and judge the thought and feelings of someone, this is Bullying.
People are 'weird'.- belittling.
Why is that... because your lack of empathy and understanding.
I guess we are dealing with many factors here.
Lack of knowledge of the op, other posters, and life experiences, basic human empathy.
Go pick and pull and demoralise is so easy on a keyboard.
Weird' is a word used to say you lack understanding and they do not fit your box. I call it small minded :)

capabilityfrowns · 29/10/2023 16:59

There a some really clever posters who try to out you through name changes , try to catch you out at every opportunity, incorrectly try to reveal your "backstory " there's one now on a thread im on, saying my kids don't speak to me , couldnt be further from the truth , they've just remembered a thread from a year ago when my dd fell out with me for what was a matter of weeks , we're fine now but they're insinuating I'm a horrible person and even my kids want nothing to do with me

I dont get what they get out of it

The thread I talked about my baby loss hq pulled , when I asked them why they removed my thread rather than deal with the bullies they said I'd posted such personal information and were worried about how distressed I was .

No shit. Yes I was very distressed. I felt I had to justify myself by posting my dead daughter's handprints for the world to see .

Because people on here were over and over accusing me of lying . I don't know what they got from that . Why would I make that shit up? I've been here a long time now and have seen a definite shift in tone and the abuse is far worse than it ever was.

SuspiciousLampshade · 29/10/2023 16:59

I got absolutely ripped apart a year or two ago for posting in AIBU in a sleep deprived state and accidentally using the word “fuming” when really I just meant annoyed (under a different username). In hindsight I saw I was being unreasonable about what I’d posted about and said so and thanked the posters that had said it in a nice way but the nasty comments just kept coming and coming - one even called me a c..t which I think is absolutely shocking on a forum meant for women and especially to a stranger you have only read a few paragraphs about.

One thing that really winds me up about today’s MN is that people seem to be incapable of actually reading OP posts - either they skim the first post and misinterpret it or they don’t bother reading all OP posts and then they come in guns blazing. So many threads I’ve seen where people have just made up sentences/opinions the OP has never voiced…

SnickersWasAHorse · 29/10/2023 17:03

duchiebun · 29/10/2023 16:49

See now that’s a bitchy comment about those who don’t want to or can’t go out on a Saturday night.

There's certainly an issue with some posters & comprehension!

Now that reads as bullying. Saying that others are too thick to understand what you mean.

I’m sure that’s not how you meant it, but it’s how it comes across. Sometimes people can say things in innocence that make someone else feel bad.

JSMill · 29/10/2023 17:07

capabilityfrowns · 29/10/2023 16:51

I agree

I had a thread pulled where I talked of my late baby loss and was accused over and over of lying . I actually sat crying and ended up posting my memory box to try and prove it

I was at a very low ebb anyway and the responses hurt me , I'd never post anything so personal again ever . I'd rather struggle .

Bloody hell wtf is wrong with people? I'm so sorry that happened to you.

duchiebun · 29/10/2023 17:13

@SnickersWasAHorse yes the whole point of that reply was to be a little bitchy as I had already been confused of being bitchy.

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