How old were you when your parents died

[Fahhgedaboutit]

And how did you cope? DH and I are mid 30s and lucky enough to have both our sets of parents still here. But I’m increasingly aware of their ages and that we have limited time left with them and the thought of losing them puts me into such a panic.

How do you cope with losing the people that love you more than anyone else in this world (I appreciate not everyone has that relationship with their parents)? My parents are so, so lovely and I couldn’t imagine life without them or the grief ever ending.

I was 32 when DM died ( cancer ) and DF died 8 yrs later when I was 40. DF had a degenerative disease which hit not long after DM died and I think she had already seen early signs because I remember having a confusing conversation with her about it.
It was a shit few years further complicated by one sisters breast cancer diagnosis at 34 and the others divorce. I had a series of miscarriages but eventually had DS 3 mnths before DF died.
Life was one long soap opera-like plot. I really don’t know how we all got through it to be honest. I rarely share because if someone else told me the same story I would struggle to believe what I was hearing.

The last twenty years have been ok , still a bit of a soap opera but you learn to live through it. I recently went through breast cancer treatment which culminated with my DH having a stroke ( I told you I was living in a real life soap opera) this is just the tip of the family iceberg.

Previous life experience has made us and our children incredibly resilient. We have never kept the truth from them and they have seen how life goes on and that it’s ok to be happy.

My niece lost her paternal aunt ( very close because aunt had no children) a couple of years ago. She had just started at Uni near me and I picked her up and drove her home when her aunt was end stage ( cancer again). We had a long conversation and she asked some difficult questions about dying. Being honest with her meant she was prepared and could make choices when the end came.

No one knows how they will react, I didn’t want to be with my mum when she died, I wanted to say goodbye while she was still conscious. I had the conversation with her and she knew my reasons why. It would have been different if she had been on her own but she wasn’t. It’s just one of the things you are faced with in terminal illnesses, sadly it’s not a choice in sudden death.

I couldn’t be with my dad because I had just had my son but I did see him a week before hand.
No one can prepare you but life goes on. Because DS grew up after losing my parents, meeting people through school and activities meant that conversations were sometimes a bit awkward.
Occasionally I’d feel resentment when friends would have the luxury of childcare and support from their parents, my MIL has never been the best support but that’s a whole different thread, and I have gravitated to mum friends who have similar circumstances.

I have never felt sorry for myself, my overwhelming emotion throughout has been regret and sadness that my parents missed out on being grandparents, my mum never saw any of us marry, something that nearly every mother dreams of. They missed so many life events. It still catches me off guard at family events when I think how much they would have enjoyed being there.

Don’t dwell on the future. It’s a waste of time, nothing can prepare you for losing your parents whatever age you are. Enjoy them while they are with you. I would love just an hour with my mum and dad just to have a coffee and a catch-up, to just reassure them that life has been good since they died, and that we moved on and that we coped.

I was 17 when my mum died, I hadn’t seen her for four years and didn’t attend her funeral.
52 when my dad died, he had Alzheimer’s and hadn’t recognised me for the last two years of his life.

I had the same experience. I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral, and in my mid teens I developed this idea that he was somewhere he didn't want to or couldn't leave to get back to us. I had that for several years. No point mentioning it to my family.

Dad still here at age 84 (but frail and very weak, living in a care home). Mum died 18 years ago, when I was 20 and she was only 58. Complete shock and unexpected. Still not over it tbh, keep thinking about how much she's missed - my graduation, my wedding and my children.
Grief truly does come and go in waves. I'm able to handle the waves a lot better now 18 years on but sometimes you just need some a few moments to cry!

I'm 55. Thankfully still have both in good health

10 when I lost my Mum, 55 for Dad. Mum's death completely defined my life and I have struggled to find happiness ever since. There. I've said it. Not sure I've ever stated it like this before. The wonder of MN...

Totally understand. I was 13. I believe it ruined my life

This is so sad to read. I am dreading losing my mum. I'm only 29 and her 50 but she is having some health problems just now and was diagnosed with cancer last month
Losing her is at the very front of my mind and I'm broken just of the thought

I'm so sorry to everyone who has lost their mums and dads x

Oh Comedycook, this is it, exactly. You try to make the best of things but are forever thinking about how much better life would have been. I've always been drawn to fellow sufferers of childhood bereavement as only they understand. And for me it was in the 1970s so absolutely no counselling or help of any kind.

I am 58. My mother is 86 and my dad is 92. They've seen their first grandchild reach adulthood, and their other grandchildren are in their teens. So they've had many years to be involved with the lives of their children and grandchildren.

Unfortunately, their health isn't great, and their lives have become quite restricted, to which they are struggling to adapt. Having had many 'extra' good years, it's getting to a point where slipping quietly away one night might be the happiest outcome - it's just managing decline at this stage, and hoping no-one has a horrible incapacitating fall.

Same here - not allowed to go to my Mum's funeral at the age of 10 and so in my mind, every funeral I've ever been to since then has been hers.

Yes...same. 1990s but no counselling. I had one day off school and that was it. No one mentioned it again. If I got upset I would be shouted at. In my ds primary class, several children had lost a parent. They received counselling in school and were very open about that with the other kids. It's so much better now thankfully.

56 and 57. They were 89 and 96 when they passed. We were lucky to have them as long as we did, but it's still unbelievably sad when they go.

Lost my dad days before my 27th birthday. It was a slow process. He was diagnosed with cancer years before. I still consider him one of the lucky ones as it was one of the worst cancers (usually people last months rather than years).
I wasn't as close to my dad as I am my mum, but I loved him and miss him. He didn't get to meet my son, which definitely hurts.

I can't even think about when it happens to my mum.

18 when dad died of a sudden, massive heart attack. I had been diagnosed with T1 diabetes the week before. He was 45.

35 when mum died of secondary breast cancer. She died a week after her mum, who lived to be 95 and gives me hope that I might see old age and my genes aren’t completely fucked. It was the day after her funeral actually. It sounds weird but i know mum waited until that was over before she let go.

My brother and I have no relationship to speak off, we’re not NC, there’s never been a falling out we are just two very different people. I think the extended family thought mum going would suddenly bring us closer together and can’t quite get their heads around that it hasn’t.

Husband still has both his parents and I love them dearly, my best friends mum is also a bit of a substitute mum for me. If it hadn’t been for my kids though I don’t know how I would have gotten through mum dying.

Indeed. I had one day off school (and it was my birthday) then back to make Mother's Day cards with my classmates. She was never mentioned again. Some years, Mother's Day, my birthday and the anniversary of her death all happen on the same sad day and that's hard. But yes, it's handled so much better now.

DF died in 1967 when I was 13 and sibs were 8 and 6. We moved homes to London so DM could find work so we lost father, school, friends and our old home - and were expected to just get on with it because as you say, no counselling. I often wonder how different would my life be and how different would I be. DM was a risk averse anxious woman who was possible clinically depressed and later in life a functioning alcoholic, while DF was an outgoing go for it if it doesn't work out you tried type.

I was 22 when my dad died. I've never really got over it.

36 when my Mum died aged 78 and 41 when Dad died aged 85. I was fairly well prepared although obviously miss them especially when I think how much they loved their grandchildren and how proud they would be of how they’ve turned out.
I think I was too busy with young kids when it happened to take it in, the youngest was 5 and the eldest 9 when Mum died.

Bear in mind, OP, that you'll disproportionately be hearing from people who lost parents earlier than average, so I think you have a goodly while with your parents unless they were 40+ when you were born, and even then.

True. As I said above I was young when my parents died, but OTOH DH's parents died at 93 and 101 and were wonderful grandparents and very helpful to me when our children were born.

I was 30 when my dad died. 40 when my mum died.

Everybody else had and has their parents live much longer. I have hardly ever met one without parents until they were past 50.

But to answer the OP's original question - how do you cope with losing your parents. Well, if you have reached adulthood, if your parents have had the opportunity to enjoy seeing you grow up and be independent, if they have perhaps have also had the same with grandchildren, then this is the natural order of things, isn't it? Your parents would surely not wish you or your children to pre-decease them so that you would not have to cope without them. I guess you simply have to counter the panic you are experiencing with some calm rational thinking about what being human, rather than immortal, entails. And be grateful that your parents didn't have to bury their children, rather than the other way around.

I have a friend who is 66 and still has his mum alive at age 93!

39 mum 66
58 dad 84

I know a few people in their seventies who stil have one parent alive. It makes me feel very bitter to be honest