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Original poster

How old were you when your parents died

278 replies

Fahhgedaboutit · 27/10/2023 09:32

And how did you cope? DH and I are mid 30s and lucky enough to have both our sets of parents still here. But I’m increasingly aware of their ages and that we have limited time left with them and the thought of losing them puts me into such a panic.

How do you cope with losing the people that love you more than anyone else in this world (I appreciate not everyone has that relationship with their parents)? My parents are so, so lovely and I couldn’t imagine life without them or the grief ever ending.

OP posts:
luckydaytoday · 27/10/2023 11:06

Dad died when I was 10, he was 48. My mum is still alive. I'm late 30s.

Obviously there are different psychological impacts for children who lose a parent, but I can't imagine it's "easier" to cope with as an adult. But as other have said, everyone goes through it. I do take comfort from having had my dad for those 10 years, he was really wonderful.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 27/10/2023 11:11

I was 26 when my DF died from bowel cancer
33 when my DM died from pneumonia/ sepsis.
I'm 58 now and I remember feeling like an orphan, I'd lost my roots.
I was so sad that she never got to meet my DS3 or see how much they have achieved.
In time, you do learn to carry the pain whilst living your life, and look back and smile at your memories, although it was years before I could look at photos

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 27/10/2023 11:11

My Mum died when I was 34 - she was 57 and had been very unwell for about 3 years.
My Dad is still very much alive, although chronically unwell and disabled. I'm now mid 40's.

avocadotofu · 27/10/2023 11:13

My mum is still alive and my dad died of cancer when I was 33.

Tina221 · 27/10/2023 11:17

I had just turned 16 when my Dad died. My mum is still alive. I have 3 younger siblings which helped. My dad was a lovely man and we were lucky to have him for those years x

MujeresLibres · 27/10/2023 11:19

38 when Dad died, 46 for Mum. Dad had been terminally ill and suffering for 2 years, so it was hard but expected. Mum had serious depression that she had somewhat recovered from and some physical health issues, but nothing thought to be life-threatening, so it was the most enormous shock when she passed. Unfortunately, she was on her own at home, and I found her the next day, although it would have been over quickly. Mum was 9 years younger than Dad. I am still coming to terms with her death some years on.

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 27/10/2023 11:19

36 when Mum died, almost 40 when Dad died. I'm 64 now but still miss my mum a lot.

Frazzled2108 · 27/10/2023 11:21

I was 12 when my dad died (he was 41) and 42 when I lost my mum this year (she was 70). I always think how people with both parents alive and well are so unbelievably lucky. I would give anything for that.

All I can say is make memories with your mum and dad now. I miss my parents every day but I have to carry on as best I can.

1983Louise · 27/10/2023 11:22

You may die first, so try not to worry and just enjoy your time together 🙂

BigDahliaFan · 27/10/2023 11:24

I was 7 when dad died, 32 when my mum died.

I'm mid 50s now. My DH has a really close relationship with his parents I miss that a lot. (I'm close to his parents too.)

There's times I'd like to ring my mum up or see her and it can feel a little rootless sometimes not having parents - specially when I was younger.

ChateauMargaux · 27/10/2023 11:27

Interesting that lots of Dads die first. I am lucky that both of my parents are still alive, as are both of my in-laws. I worry about what age my children will be when we die and at what age my husband will die.

My son has a group of 8 friends, 4 of their fathers' died when the boys were aged between 15 and 18. It was so so painful to watch these young boys and their families go through this.

Footprintsinthesand · 27/10/2023 11:27

My Dad died when I was 30. My brother was 20. He'd been ill for a long time and I agree with a pp that the anticipatory grief was the worst bit. It was like a ticking time bomb hanging over us for around 18 months.

The saddest part was that he died when both mine and my brother's adult lives were getting interesting. I'd just met the man who would become my husband after being single for all of my 20s. He missed seeing me in a stable relationship, my wedding and the birth of my children. He missed DB getting his first proper job, first house and getting married to his childhood sweetheart.

My mum now has to go through retirement on her own.

Be very grateful for what you have and don't dwell on the future.

corlan · 27/10/2023 11:32

@TwigTheWonderKid So sorry about your diagnosis.

Itsgettingweirdnow · 27/10/2023 11:33

Mum - 18
Dad - 34

Im 35…..
its weird as most friends still have both parents. It was really hard when I had my baby, as I had no mother to turn to. And I REALLY needed her.

Trickytimer · 27/10/2023 11:34

I was 59 when I lost both my mum and dad 9 months apart ❤️

FoxtrotSkarloey · 27/10/2023 11:34

38, when my Dad died three months after a cancer diagnosis. He wasn't particularly old.

It was horrible. I struggled to find space to grieve as I wanted because I had to help mum adjust (she is still alive), and we have a tricky relationship. Sometimes she needed help with banking and house things but wouldn't listen.

Now we have reached a level and we tick along. I now have DC and I'm desperately sad my Dad was ever a Grandpa, he'd have been a amazing with them. But I think having them has given us all a focus and purpose.

I still miss him hugely. He and I thought in the same way. Probably more so than I do with my husband. We just got on well and I enjoyed our chats - that probably only really started from when I was 30ish and I'm sorry we didn't have more time as adults together.

Rubyupbeat · 27/10/2023 11:34

44 for Mum, 53 for Dad.
You never get over it, pai eases and some days are worse than others.
I am nearly 60.

ThreeRingCircus · 27/10/2023 11:36

I'm very lucky to have both of my parents still around . DH lost his father when he was 35 (FIL was 60 and had a heart attack so it was sudden.) It's been very difficult for him feeling that his dad went before his time and died far too young, and that he's missed out on seeing DDs. He still says he thinks of his dad every day and even years down the line goes to send him a message and then remembers he's gone. He would have adored DDs and spoiled them rotten so I mourn for what they've lost in terms of a grandparent relationship. MIL is still around and is 71 now.

I do fear it but know it's part of life and the natural order of things. I just worry about losing them when they've still got a lot of life to live. I do think it's hard whatever age they go but if they die before their time there's an extra heartache thinking of what they've missed.

AuntieMarys · 27/10/2023 11:41

In my 20s...40 years ago. I missed having a mother when I had my own children but just got on with it.
I have great memories of my dad but don't miss either of them to be honest. I don't find it healthy ( for me) to dwell on the past and " what ifs".

dadoodoodoo · 27/10/2023 11:44

I was 26 and 27. It was, of course, very painful and I will always miss them, but I did find it helpful in a way to remind myself that loosing your parents as an adult is a natural and almost universal thing - part of the circle of life. I’m not meaning to minimize it but do think it stopped me feeling bitter

KnittedCardi · 27/10/2023 11:50

24 when my Dad died at 68, pancreatic cancer, and died really quickly, pretty traumatic, and I really missed him. 54 with my Mum, who was then 92, but that was much more "normal", and anticipated. She was ready to go, and we were all relieved rather than sad, when she did.

TulipTuesday · 27/10/2023 11:53

I was 29 when my dad died suddenly, it was 2 months before my 30th birthday and we’d been planning a party. My dad was a DJ and unknown to me had spent ages getting a playlist of all my favourite obscure songs together.

Later that year my mum was diagnosed with cancer. She died 5 years later just before my 35th birthday.

I never knew how hard it would be the lose them both. I miss them so much and every aspect of my life has been changed by the grief I always carry. I’m not the same as I was.

MoralOrLegal · 27/10/2023 11:54

My mum died the day before my DS was born (I was 36). That was an odd week.

123sunshine · 27/10/2023 11:57

I was 24 when my mum died unexpectedly from a heart attack. I am an ony child, my parents were divorced, my mum was my best friend, 22 years on I still miss her hugely. She was the only person that ever loved me unconditionally. My relationship with my dad isn't very close, but we do get on. You just get by by putting a foot in front of the other each and every day. My mum would have loved being part of my chidren's lives. She would have been devestated at my first marrage breakdown and I hope she would approve of my second marriage. One thing death teaches you is to make the most of your life and get out and live it.

Dontcallmescarface · 27/10/2023 12:00

In my mid 50's. They both died within a few months of each other in 2020. TBH I'm still trying to process it all as the rules around what we could and couldn't do wrt funerals/wakes etc, meant that we were unable to say goodbye "properly" IYSWIM.

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