Parents who let your toddlers run feral, how are your kids now?

[Fruitcakesanddogs]

I have a 23 month old. I am very relaxed with him. He’s messy, loud and basically a complete hurricane. I try to just let him do his thing, unless of course he’s going to harm someone else or is really annoying someone.

I know some people don’t like this kind of parenting. If that’s you then fair enough. However I am interested in hearing from parents who did take a more relaxed approach with their toddler. How did it turn out for you?

My aunt let her ADHD toddler run feral he bit me so hard that i have a scar, bit a waitress and a few other things. Always bullied me. Now 21, a drug addict and has a kid he doesnt even want with a woman whos adamant hes not emotionally abusive. I cut him off about 7 months ago.

teach your kids boundaries.

@wldpwr But if I am heavy-handed and constant in not listening to their "no," I am just teaching them that bigger people/people with more power get to ignore the wishes of smaller people/people with less power. That's totally NOT what I want them to learn about the world. It's the opposite.

I completely agree with you on this. I think this is where confusion arises when people claim gentle parenting is about “treating children as adults” - it’s not at all (as mentioned earlier in the thread, it’s totally unfair to children to treat them as though they were adults), but it does mean treating them with the same respect as adults (and it works both ways; you expect respect from them, and you expect them to respect others). I think you either intuitively agree with this or you don’t, and I know lots of people here won’t, but to me a child is not “less” than an adult so they are no less deserving of respect.

The sort of permissive parenting lots are describing here is not treating their children with respect, it’s treating them with something more like deference - giving their feelings and wishes more importance than other people’s - while also not treating them with enough respect to give them the security of boundaries or teach them responsibility.

(And it doesn’t mean you never disagree with your children or that you’re not, essentially, in charge - you can give an adult instructions or tell them they’re wrong about something and still do it with respect, after all.)

My kids are feral whirlwinds. My first baby repeatedly got told off at age 10 months for wandering around in the baby group rather than sitting like the other statues/babies. Feralness exacerbated when the second one came along shortly afterwards. They are now in primary school and remain boisterous whirlwinds. One is an angel, super confident but very kind and compassionate. Works hard at school and clubs, helpful, popular, creative, glowing school report. The other struggles to regulate emotions, often causes minor disruption at school and clubs. Kind, creative, popular, very intelligent and inquisitive. I’ve parented both the same.

It’s called permissive parenting and not great for children. Google it.

I personally think it's lazy parenting. Aren't you teaching your kids boundaries. You just let your child run wild? I think that's a recipe for disaster.

There's already a thread on MN about an uncle that takes care of his feral nephews and the op broke up with him because of the kids having no respect. You could be putting yourself in for a lifetime of disrespect from your children but that's only my opinion.

I don’t know if it has been mentioned before - but when you said he doesn’t snatch as you don’t take things, but let him drop them in his own time - you can start telling him from now that he needs to put ‘x’ back as you are leaving. He may not be able to verbally tell you as much yet, but the understanding comes first (they have to understand the language before you can talk it, talk it before you can read it, and read it before you can write it) so he will begin to understand. It is also a gentle way of letting them learn the life lesson that things will not always be on their terms - gentle parenting isn’t about saying avoiding saying the word “no”, it is about setting boundaries in a calm respectful manner. My daughter only just turned 2, and she is in the throes of “tantrums” (I prefer to call them big emotions as a tantrum is actually them experiencing a big emotion that they don’t know how to cope with) but say she was playing st home and we needed to leave, I would have already told her what we were doing for the day, give a 5min warning and then say “we put our toys in this box when we tidy, do that first then we can get your shoes” or something like that. In general, because of the 5min warning - she is ok because the wnd of her play didn’t come out of nowhere to her.

sorry for the long post lol, and I know it isn’t quite the response to your question, but you cohld definitely start explaining to him “we use the buggy to get there quicker - then you can have more time in the park” type things, and the more you do it and lay the foundations now, the more he will understand it.

Gentle parenting is a trendy name for authoritative parenting....letting them be kids with clear boundaries. (The word gentle is badly chosen and make people think it's permissive parenting which is very different)
I have definitely let my kids me a little feral and do their thing, and they are now 4&6 and fabulously behaved at school. Don't listen to a word I say half the time though 😆

There has to be some clear boundaries, but other than that if you treat kids with love and respect, they will turn out to be lovely respectful people.

Also at <2 the ignore the bad and praise the good works still whilst their communication is rudimentary and as you said modeling behavior works at all ages!
but the feet on the table example we always said feet go here (try a high chair with a foot rest it's life changing or an excersize band to play with tied round!) and physically move their feet
of it continually happens then I'd say
it seems you are having trouble keeping your feet where they belong so we're all done (we also signed all done) with mealtime now and take them out the chair (you have to have age appropriate expectations here!) also try bringing toys to entertain if you do go out

firstly you're believing that a child who can't yet speak does not understand but they do they actually have an extensive auditory recognition of language from weeks/ months old! And are hard wired to communicate and by 18m they have a huge leap in language and can go from barely speaking to almost being fluent by 2 ish (and it's perfectly normal if it's later!)
snd to the OP it sounds like you are just letting him be a child / Toddler so honestly I doubt you have any concerns- see how he is once he starts getting more feisty at 2-3 years old and figure out what works for you - you'll be fine and you both have time to learn

One of my sons friends obviously been brought up a bit like this. I don’t think it’s a good idea really, as a parent you sometimes need to be able to say, actually this is what’s happening. Their 8 now the boys, this lad often gets in an absolute spoilt brat rage with other kids and thinks it’s
reasonable to throw massive stones at them etc, his mum responds as if he’s stuck his tongue out or something. But if other kids so much as look at him the wrong way she has a fit. We’d have play dates some but then if another kid is eg, kicking a ball about better then him
or something, that’s it, he’ll sit in a massive sulk and won’t talk to anyone, with his mum full of sympathy and attention, it’s painful. He’s fell over, hands full of crap and grit, no he doesn’t want to wash his hands, that’s fine. Or he’ll be winding other kids up and goading them, his mum acts like it’s the cutest thing she’s ever seen. Still talks to him using baby words. It’s getting to the stage where other kids don’t want to bother with him so much, it’s not doing him any good at all 😕

People who give their kids boundaries don't shout at their children. A few might but that's not what it's about.
You can't get him in the buggy and he's calling the shots? Small children can't be expected to take all the responsibility, they need some sort of guidance. They are learning about the world and how it works and some things are dangerous and some things are socially unacceptable.
How will it work when you have to hurry to get to an urgent appointment and he has a paddy and doesn't want to?
I think this parenting is setting children up to fail as adults personally, which is cruel, sorry. I also think it's lazy.

@Fruitcakesanddogs
So far his communication has not been good enough yet for me to explain that I want to leave the shop and need him to put the dinosaur back. I try anyway and I explain to him that he should put it back… but he doesn’t want to. It’s his day out as well as mine so I respect that he wants a bit longer to play. I leave it for up to five minutes and hope he puts the toy down-

I look after my 22 month old GD and she understands when it is time to go. I look after her 5 days a week and we go out often. If she doesn't want to get into the carpet or stroller then we don't go to the park. If it's shopping I need done she will be physically put in stroller or seat.

We have twins. Both were allowed to run wild.

One has turned out to be responsible with an academic scholarship.
The other gets red cards at school.

There is no right way. Just relax and have faith in yourself and your child.

These are the kids who kick the seats of the passengers sitting in front of them.on a airplane.

I mean , no wonder teachers leave the profession. Imagine starting reception year with 30 children that have not been told no ever, never had toys taken from them, any consequences for behaviour and never sat down when didn't want to. I mean, as a parent, as a normal grown up with a functioning brain, how do you actually believe what you doing is raising them right???

No boundaries parenting causes anxiety in children as they grow. They somehow don't have the concept of yes I can or no I don't. So life seems a mad battle with no rules.

I didn’t let my kids be feral, but my mum died suddenly when my little one was a few weeks old. That totally changed my perspective and I became much softer and more permissive because I was valuing every moment. I did notice after about 15 months that my youngest child was really strong willed and if I didn’t set and maintain more boundaries, he could have had the potential to be an unpleasant human being in the future. I deliberately changed my approach over a period of a few months and he’s fine now. He’s still way more pushy/determined/strong-willed than his easygoing big brother, but I think that requires more of a strong response.

I think it’s the combo of the parent’s and the kid’s temperaments and the ability of the parent to adapt to what their child needs, that kind of dictates whether things will go well or badly.

I have a friend who placated her kids as toddlers eg rewarded them with treats if they would stop screaming etc. and rarely corrected their behavior. Her kids are appallingly behaved and not massively likeable now.

Tedious though it sometimes is, your job as a parent is to equip your child for the world. There is no one way to do this but in the world, we have to get on with people and do things we don’t want to do. We have to be able to recognise when someone is in charge. Small things like getting into a buggy when they don’t don’t want to is a way to teach your child things like this. As others have said, most humans find boundaries comforting as long as they aren’t too constricted. You sound thoughtful and kind so I’m sure you will find a way to tread this fine line. And forgive yourself if you don’t always get it right. Feral one year olds are one thing, but no one wants much to do with a feral adult.

OP you have a 2 year old that is learning they get to do whatever they want. That's not a realistic start to life.
Plus of course a 2 year old can understand concepts like give me the toy now please.
It's your job to teach this. Children don't just learn my osmosis.

We learnt some sign language and that helped. The sign for finished. My 2 yo learnt what it meant and it helped to end activities.

Also I think you are expecting your 2yo to have an adult comprehension. They don't. Their brain is literally being built by their experiences. Safe boundaries and repetition will help teach things.

Why do you think a toddler tantrum is a thing? They are learning that life doesn't always go their way. And that's normal and right.
It's not the case that if you parent so perfectly they will never have a tantrum. The opposite really.

Agree with a previous poster- not taking a toy away from him in a shop because it would frustrate or upset him isn’t great parenting. You need to set and hold boundaries calmly and kindly. He might be upset or frustrated or sad or angry. All normal, healthy emotions. You can stay calm, be kind to him, name his emotions and sympathise, while (if needed) taking away the toy and carrying him out of the shop. No need for snatching it off him or punishing or shouting at him- but certainly just standing there until he gets bored of it is not helping him learn to experience and manage emotions.

I tried the gentle parenting approach when mine was a toddler, she didn’t do well with it, much prefers the safety of a routine and needs boundaries and consequences as she has grown up. I think it depends on your child, if you have an easy going laid back kid, maybe it’ll work in the long run

Children need boundaries! If you let your children run amok they will do this throughout life and will generally end up in hot water one way or another.

Personally, I'd rein my kids in a bit, you can slacken those reins when you know they understand the rules and have respect and responsibility as they grow - but what's easy for you know I assure you will absolutely smack you in the face later if it hasn't already. Please don't let this be at the expense of your child's wellbeing.

NOW not know! Phht

She's 10 now & still feral...

I have a friend like this - baby no 1 is a good kid and didn't need as firm boundaries but no 2 is 3 now and has become impossible- huge tantrums if she doesn't get her way / wants to walk instead of go in the buggy /wants chips instead of a healthy dinner etc and even told her mum to F off in a room full of people the other day - mum was mortified ..she is not very likeable .. they were really relaxed with her and are now struggling to control her behaviour at nearly 4..

Ok, thanks for letting me know