Parents who let your toddlers run feral, how are your kids now?

[Fruitcakesanddogs]

I have a 23 month old. I am very relaxed with him. He’s messy, loud and basically a complete hurricane. I try to just let him do his thing, unless of course he’s going to harm someone else or is really annoying someone.

I know some people don’t like this kind of parenting. If that’s you then fair enough. However I am interested in hearing from parents who did take a more relaxed approach with their toddler. How did it turn out for you?

Its just another excuse for lazy parenting that's all.

@HelloItsMeHowAreYou In any case, though, I can’t see how “wear your coat and I’ll carry it for you if you don’t want to” is exemplary parenting but “I’ll carry your coat for you and you can wear it if you want to” is ‘absolutely batshit’?

YY @Firecarrier - class definitely comes into it.

I have a son who had I let him run feral he would have had several trips to A&E or run over by a car! He was hyperactive in an off the scale way. So plenty of chances for soft play and parks etc but I had clear rules and routine. He’s a great adventurous adult now with masses of creativity and spontaneity.

I do think it depends. Letting kids run feral can mean different things to different people for a start. But on the whole it tends to mean that you just don’t really parent, which is a bit rubbish. If you have a kid who is pretty sensible, and some are, then it would probably be okay if you loved them and provided food etc. But if you have a child with additional needs for example you are going to have a teenager who has had no help or guidance.

I had family friends who were gently parented. As a young child I was wildly jealous that they were allowed sweets before a meal, could run and shout as loud as they liked and choose not to talk to adults. By the time I was 9 I realised the younger one was a PITA. She struggled at secondary school, and hasn’t held down a job. No boundaries, she wasn’t equipped for the real world.

@mathanxiety I’ve never liked the name “gentle parenting” because as you say, what does that say about parents who aren’t “gentle parents”? (And according to a lot of gentle parenting disciples you have to do it absolutely perfectly to count as one!) As was mentioned further upthread, though, the name also puts a lot of parents off the idea because they don’t want to be thought of as “gentle parents” - it sounds somewhat wishy-washy and namby-pamby to some. It needs a much better - more neutral - name, basically!

I think it depends what you mean by it- overly permissive or lazy parenting with a big lack of boundaries or being taught understanding that sometimes you have to do something something quicker or differently for someone else in the group (ie your example of waiting til he chooses to put a toy back himself in a shop rather than explaining why he needs to pop it back now) - ive met loads of teenagers who were brought up like this...

Because I work in the care system, and spent years working with kids in crisis placements, who were removed from parents due to being "outside of parental control"- at severe, significant risk of harm, due to drugs, running with gangs, running away/going missing, being sexually exploited or abused etc.

Gentle, respectful parenting, on the other hand, is what myself and my colleagues practice- and even with the most challenging kids this gets them on our side and working to a better future pretty quickly, as a rule. But, gentle, respectful, collaborative parenting is not letting kids do whatever, with no explanation of expected behaviours or what they need to be doing.

My cousin’s child has never heard the word ‘no’ from her parents. She is now 14 and violent towards her mother.

• child not wanting to get in push chair - plenty of advice upthread
• thumping table in a cafe
• throwing things inside
• putting feet on the table in cafe

Do you sit at the table at home? If not, then they haven’t learnt how to behave in this situation. If you regularly sit and eat at the dining table at home, it will be easier when out.

I’ve gentle parented from day 1. Very few boundaries (except around not hurting themselves or others) very few power struggles. I’ve never ‘told them off’ but have explained afterwards/redirected etc.

eldest won the award for pupil of the year when leaving primary. Youngest probably won’t but gets really excellent reports. Both very loving gentle academic and well rounded.

I'm not convinced parenting makes a huge difference to our kids behaviour or success as long as they have stability and love.

You are getting a lot of replies from people who " know of" feral toddlers who are now horrid older children or teens - but you aren't hearing from the parents of these children and you really have no idea if their current behavior is connected to their toddlerhood
I'm probably the other way I'm pretty strict but I do try to gentle parent rather than just do as I say style but I am still at heart a behaviorist as it's hard to move away from that when it's how you were raised and I like to know I can take the kids anywhere and not get the bad looks! But I also have age appropriate behavior expectations!
really explore Montessori and gentle parenting techniques if you have your level of patience those approaches my work really well for your family and are proven to work effectively producing independent thinkers, leaders and emotionally mature adults!
remember you can change tack at any time as a parent you can slowly introduce more structure or routines to prepare him for school etc and take the horror stories with a pinch of salt

Also there is a huge difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting and 99% of your commenters are confusing the two

@Dalhoussie - having children who are not babies and are essentially guests in the home isn't the same as seeing your mummy sitting for hours on the couch breastfeeding your little bro or having to cut short a visit to the park because he's pooped for a third time and mummy only brought two spare nappies. Or having to sit in the buggy because little bro is in the sling, and mummy can't physically carry you both and push the buggy at the same time.

Yes, everyone thinks they're going to do a better job than their parents did, or at least they aspire to. That's the genius of the labeling, the language. It's completely aspirational, for people who live in a world where the consequences for children who don't learn to be considerate and keep their fists to themselves are limited. There will always be sports to channel all that 'energy', after all, and the children will absorb a broad and rich vocabulary, and will grow up surrounded by books and other enrichment, with multiple sports for channeling all the 'energy'.

As soon as you use a label fpr a parenting approach, you implicitly fence it off from all the rest. In the case of 'gentle parenting', you're distinguishing it from 'shouty/non U' parenting, and all other approaches, which are by definition 'not-gentle'.

My son has three years till he starts school. As his communication improves (it has come on leaps and bounds just in the last month) I will be firmer with boundaries.

Good luck with that, it's hard to put the genie back in the bottle, you would have been better starting with at least some boundaries then easing off as he got older.

Honestly I have 6 children and I have had a mixed experience one if my twins was so "feral" and now they are 16 she never goes out , I think her friends won't put up with her to be honest, she is lovely to family but has yet to start college or a apprenticeship, the other twin was easier to deal with so I set more boundaries with her and she has loads of Friends ,works full time , and I's a joy , the other just isn't nice to be around at all I dread it and that sounds horrible but she is lovely to.others ,
My younger 2 I set certain boundaries but they was also allowed more freedom than some of my friends toddlers , they are amazing , love school , do amazing have loads of friends , do have their moments but are great, my eldest 2 I had when I was quite young but they turnt out fine, so works both ways really , they do need certain boundaries even if its respect for teachers etc , it's best for them or your setting them up for failure when they start school

Yes we sit at the table at home. I'm just trying to understand how to practically discipline a child in such circumstances. E.g. if a toddler puts their feet on the table, and you firmly tell them they can't do that, and remove their feet, but they do it anyway, would you leave the cafe?
Or if you force them into their pushchair, should you explain why you're doing it?
Or if they pull your hair and you stop them, and tell them off, should you then get up and ignore them?

Genuinely looking for advice because I feel utterly clueless about how to discipline a toddler.

@berry798 There’s a superb book called ‘Toddler Taming’ which I found really good.

I understand that my brother (8 years my senior) was given his own way in everything, being a firstborn and a son. As an adult he was charming with outsiders from whom he wanted something. At home he was a loud, cowardly bully who refused to help with any job and who grabbed anything he wanted, irrespective of to whom it belonged.

Sis in law let her kids run wild when younger. no set rules. were allowed to walk around town etc at age 3 and 4 with no trousers or underwear on as they didn't want too. eat what they wanted watch what they wanted. as got older still no rules. thought it was hilarious that they were awake till 2am each night om snap chat. youngest one was favourite. said was bullied in primary school so took him out and homeschooled him for last year of primary school 🙄 then when he wnet to secondary school I don't think he actually went for a full week. it's a running joke with him now that if he breaks a nail he stars crying and has to come home from school 😝 he not a nice person to talk too. thinks he knows it all and runs and tells lies to his mammy all the time. yoi have got lots of advice here take it

Reception teacher here. Lazy parenting, child really finds it tricky at school, bounndaries are a problem.

Negative experiences I have had I guess include the fact that I don’t ever feel I can take him nice places like a restaurant or a museum. I also can barely get him in a buggy as he will protest too much, so mostly if I go out I just carry him or let him toddle along - so I can’t get very far.

To be fair, at least you're conscious enough not to make everyone else suffer - these days every restaurant seems to have lots of kids running around or playing on iPads at full blast with no headphones.

Bloody awful experience.

Also older parent, they conformed to my standards

I was thinking about this thread this evening because my kids were wrestling. My little one (2) said "no!" and my older one (6) appeared to not hear/listen. I said, "did you hear that? we have to listen when someone says 'no.'" (For those who think gentle parents don't have boundaries, I would've followed this with physically intervening and a "I can't let you carry on" if they hadn't stopped at this point).

I do sometimes force my little one into the carseat, because sometimes we absolutely must be somewhere. I do sometimes hold a really firm boundary because it's something I care about and I am the leader and they need that to feel safe/to meltdown sometimes, etc.

But if I am heavy-handed and constant in not listening to their "no," I am just teaching them that bigger people/people with more power get to ignore the wishes of smaller people/people with less power. That's totally NOT what I want them to learn about the world. It's the opposite.

So I understand why you do what you do, OP.

I agree with this and I think this is why we want all kids (but especially privileged ones) to grow up questioning the idea of authority. Otherwise "my larger, more powerful parent gets to boss me around" can too easily become "I am larger and more powerful, so now I get to enjoy my privilege."

The Your Parenting Mojo podcast is really good for evidence-based parenting!