Endless present buying for friend’s DC

[Whenisone]

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

Either she's being financially abused and depending on your presents to give her children a good Christmas, or she's taking the piss. As someone whose children have no grandparents around, I don't accept the grandparents argument, sorry. It sounds more as if she's relying on (to avoid the word 'instrumentalising') your knowledge of her grief at her loss to avoid being challenged.

I also don't think there's any excuse for the list thing - sending a list for one baby at your request is very different from sending an annual unsolicited list for four children, and anyone with any common sense and feeling would think 'ooh, can't do that, not with 2/3/4 children, taking the piss a bit'.

Don't apologise to her - I think that's what she's banking on, consciously or otherwise, with her upset. Just say you can't afford 20 to 30 pounds per child, and given she hadn't bought for your dc for the last two years and ave her a selection box last Christmas, you assumed it would be fine for you to scale back. It doesn't matter if she feels mortified. She should be mortified, ignoring your one dc's birthday (and even if she forgot the date, she knows everyone has birthdays, she could always ask you to remind her when it is) and sending lists (!) for you for her four.

There is just no way that this friend is unaware that she "forgot" your child's birthday or that she only spent £2.99 on them for Xmas OP. You are kidding yourself here.

yes, this. surely presents are one of those things that should be reciprocal. Why isn't she putting the same effort into gift buying for you and your dc? She knows the value of gifts for kids as her dc are already excited about their gifts from you for Christmas (and this sounds like emotional manipulation from her). What could you do with 200 pounds for your dc?

The trouble is, people aren't mind readers. If you think she'd be mortified about forgetting but you haven't told her, you're just storing up resentment because she doesn't remember, and it's hard for us to tell if she's a CF or very forgetful... it does sound a bit as though it has crept up on you, but I think that of you want to keep the friendship you owe her a frank conversation where you let her know that your DC is getting left out. And that you're feeling pressured. Also with cost of living for everyone can't you just say you need some cheaper options? Either that or woman up and send her your DC's gift list. If it were me I might just talk about how lovely were the gifts other people got DC for Birthday and how much it made you feel they cared... but I have passive aggressive tendencies and don't like confrontation.

This is brilliant

How does your 1 DC feel about all these gifts you are buying for your friends childrens and getting a selection box in return? 4 lots of birthday and x mas presents is a lot of toys/stuff.

Remember you are a role model to your child, please don't let them see you being taken advantage of and think that this is ok. Imagine your child doing this 20/30 years from now and how you might feel if their good nature is being taken advantage of. Just stop this now-it is not your responsibility to feel that you must provide presents as your friends kids as they don't have grandparents. You sound like a lovely friend but you have to draw up some boundaries and if your friend values you then she will also understand. This is a good way to test the strength of your friendship.

Just ignore her. Silly spoilt selfish woman. She forgot your DCs birthday. If she says any more remind her about this.

She can't be that mortified if she can buy your daughter a selection box for Christmas, when you've spent over £100 on her DC.

You sound like a good friend who has inadvertently got caught up in what to outsiders looks like a crazy system with an emotionally needy friend. I think no matter how sensitive she is, you should be able to say 'friend, I am sorry you were upset when we were talking about the gifts. Now that you have 4 gorgeous munchkins and I have my own family and relatives to buy gifts for, it's just proving too much. Going forward, can we agree that we just do token gifts - when you gave my kid the selection box last year I was relieved and resolved that is the level I want to operate at and can afford from now on. For birthdays, I've decided I'll be buying books and I'd be grateful if you could agree to do the same for my kid - it'll be a little ritual in future.'

I'm sorry but I as much as you care for your friend, I can't see this action as being a true friend. Reminding you weeks in advance, giving you lists and expecting this 4 times a year , plus another load of gifts all at once at Christmas. You said you were just going to give sweets, then shes bursting into tears, very spoilt and immature reaction. This friend clearly does not think of you or your feelings and is only interested in herself and her children. Almost like you are scared to let her down. Very rude to not bother with your child, I don't think she forgot at all, twice now?? Surely after 2 years she'd realise she hadn't done anything for your child's birthday. There is only one thing you can say to her, that going forward you will be getting sweets for the children , you have a child/family to raise and you can't be spending this amount anymore. A true friend will accept this.

I would be more direct and stick to my preference of no presents.

As you are concerned about hurting her just stop buying from the list. Buy a smaller item so it at least cuts the cost down. I would be saying max £10 per child especially as she happily gives selection box to your child.

Is this because you are much wealthier than your friend is?

Instead of thinking about her feelings maybe focus on your daughter. By spending your money on HER children you are taking away from YOUR child. You are prioritising her children over yours.

You just say look I am sorry, cost of living crisis, I just cannot afford to keep buying this number of expensive presents.

You could just say, I’m only doing selection boxes this Christmas like you did last year. She won’t like it but it’s time for you to take a step back.

We have been good friends for 30+ years, I really don’t want to fall out with her over this, and she’d be incredibly upset if I sent some of the suggested messages on here. I just don’t know how to extricate myself without hurting her feelings.

Can you not phrase it along the lines of how things are getting more expensive and how, as all your children grow up, they want more and more expensive gifts. Suggest you agree a limit you both agree to spend on each other's children? See what she says then.

That way, it's more about you both agreeing the spend, rather than bringing a brupt end to it.

(That said, I also think it totally fine to say you are limiting present costs this year so it will be token gifts only for everyone outside the immediate family).

This is very good.

And when she starts crying again, harden your heart and respond by saying yes I always feel like crying when DC realises that you’ve forgotten her again.

I can’t afford to pay my bills, buy food and buy expensive presents for your four children. I’m happy to buy a small gift of sweets but I can no longer afford anything else. I’m sure you understand and wouldn’t want us to go without food to buy your kids presents!

I really don’t get what is going through your friend’s mind… I get that some people put a lot of importance on material gifts, but these are normally the same people who would also be gifting others the same… her thoughtless present for your one dc makes me think she’s a bit grabby and spoilt

If she is a good friend of many years, I don't understand why you didn't raise this as you chatted.

I would have a conversation with her and don't send text messages. Ask her why she doesn't bother with your DC. With this sort of notice she has time to buy her kids something to replace your presents. It may even elicit that there is financial abuse going on and her DH doesn't give her money or buy presents himself.

FWIW, I don't buy old friends' kids presents at all nor they mine. We all bought one another things as we had babies but it would have been far too much to keep up with birthdays and Christmas and they all get lots of stuff anyway. Also one friend is child free but not by choice so it wouldn't have been fair on her.

This person is not nice

Seriously, though, she burst into tears? Level 5 manipulation right there.

Just tell her that you can no longer afford to spend more than x amount on each child and you're sure she can understand how expensive buying for 4 children is.

I would also find a way of reminding her about your own child's birthday.

Lovely person & old friend or not, she's taking you for a ride and in your shoes I'd just send Xmas selection boxes.

What are you thinking of doing then Op? @Whenisone

Stop buying for her kids.

Just stop.

You could have said that you were wondering where your DD's gift was because you were about to get on to the Royal Mail to see if they had any lost/undelivered parcels as it seems to be taking a very long time for the gifts to arrive.

Play her at her own grabby game!

Exactly this.

Your so-called friend is expecting you to do something 4x that she can't even be bothered to do once for her so-called friend, you. You need to stop this. Do her kids ever say thank to you? I mean, is your generosity ever acknowledged or is your friend passing off your gifts as her own to them because it is very suspicious and odd that she broke down in tears?

I was in a position like you, but slightly different: it was with my older DS. She has twin DDs and for years, she would send me what 'they wanted' for bdays and Xmas. As I wasn't earning lots back then it would affect me a lot. She would really take the piss as well: Hunter Wellington boots, branded/designer outerwear for kids and accessories, and I was just expected to buy it all. It went on for years.

You need to stop being taken advantage of and start spending on your own DC.

Your 'friend' acts in a way that shows me she doesn't have your best interests at heart - only her children and her own. This friendship has rocky foundations OP. When the friendship breaks down one day you'll hate yourself for all those toys you bought her DCs over the years when that money could have been spent on your own DC.