Endless present buying for friend’s DC

[Whenisone]

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

I do understand how difficult it is for you. However, there you are full of angst at hurting her feelings, and I guess her children's feelings. She burst into tears at the mere suggestion that you might need to change the way things go regarding birthday and Christmas presents. Where in this has she shown any consideration for you feelings, your financial situation - the fact that it's all about 'monetary value' rather than thought and consideration. I would be feeling the same as you, but looking on objectively, she doesn't appear to have any of the angst you have regarding the situation and your feelings/circumstances. If you feel you are unable to discuss this with her after many years of friendship for fear of her reaction, I'd be inclined to think it's not a worthwhile friendship. Honestly, value your feelings a little more and hers a little less and see how this feels ?

Thinking about it, you don’t need a chat or explanation, just a text saying you are cutting back this year OR just send the selection boxes and quietly withdraw.

You already told her you were sending sweets so she knows that’s what you want to do.

You need to think about what you want to happen.

I really wouldn't mention the disparity between the buying for you child and hers. Even if she started spending an equal amount on your child to the total you spend on her 4, the main issue is that you cannot afford to continue spending at the level you are.

You really need to focus on affordability and token gifts.

She sent you a list?

Respond with two dozen laughing emojis.

How to extricate yourself from gift giving without hurting her feelings unnecessarily ?
You simply tell her the truth.
And she has to accept the truth.

Sorry friend, As I said, I do have to limit my spending this year. It doesn’t mean I don’t love your children any the less. I will explain to them myself, that their gifts from us can no longer be extravagant and why. I will manage their expectations so that they don’t get upset but still know that I think the world of them. I hope you can back me up on this and not get upset about it yourself. We all have to live within our means. Gift giving isn’t about the price tag, it’s the thought that counts and I want them to really understand that, so that they learn what is important.

I'm another person who wonders if the friend's husband is financially abusive and she was so upset when you suggested stopping the presents because she uses your presents to make up for the lack of parental presents. It might also explain why she has not bought a birthday present for the OP's daughter and only a small Christmas present.

It's worth trying to bring this up again and point out to her that you've reviewed your budget again and you really can't afford it. If there is not too big an age gap between your child and hers, you could suggest going on a joint outing instead, as in 'I am going to the pantomime with DD, do you want to buy tickets for yourself and DC?'

This is it. You don't need to say more.

"Now that they're bigger, I'd love to get each of them a carefully-chosen book each Christmas"

She’s taking advantage. Stop the present buying and revisit the conversation. Tell her that your budget doesn’t stretch to this any more, especially as she is now essentially telling you what they want for birthdays and supplying Christmas lists !! Also point out how much has been spent on her DC over the past year - making sure to stress your disappointment that despite this she forgot your own DC’s birthday twice and only bought a selection box at Christmas. She’s massively entitled and the tears have achieved their purpose haven’t they - they have you questioning your understandable resentment at her lack of reciprocation to your own DC and thinking you’re mean if you don’t carry on as you are.

Speaking up may damage or even cause you to lose the friendship. If that happens then you should seriously examine exactly what you’ve lost.

OP. You really don’t have to adhere to the list, nor do you have to compensate for the dc having no maternal grandparents. Lots of DC have no grandparents.
It’s up to her to manage her dc’s expectations not yours. A good parent ( and I’m sure she is ) should steer them into being thankful for whatever they receive.
It’s not only the financial cost, it’s also the time it takes to buy them, wrap and deliver them.
If you want to buy them gifts then do so but within a budget that YOU decide. Not one that she deems fit. This is the year to start cutting down, start with Christmas. Going forward cut out the birthday gifts, she’s already done that with your dc, she’s just omitted to tell you.

‘My DC has noticed that I buy your children expensive presents and you don’t even remember theirs’. That should put a stop to that.

BIL/SIL used to send us lists for their kids birthdays/Christmas and we were generous. They either send DD nothing or total crap she doesn’t want. They still make comments about not buying their children in their 20s endless gifts. Some people are twats.

So you refuse to defend your own child and are happy to 'betray' him/her by continuing to buy presents for the DC of the person who keeps letting your child down? Thats putting those kids before your own!

Come on, OP. You need to defend your child, OP.

I’ve evolved with friends of mine to buying a board game for the family at Christmas from our family to theirs, something we’ve discovered/ loved that we are sharing with them- and a bit better on the budget!

Unless your friend has serious SEN/MH/memory issues, OP, I don’t see how she can possibly be unaware that you are spending ££££ on her dcs, while all she gave yours for Christmas was a selection box - and nothing for their birthday!

As for the tears/lack of grandparents issues, she’s just playing like mad on your evidently very vulnerable sympathies - playing the victim, and evidently very well, since you seem to have fallen for it hook, line and sinker.

It’s never nice to think that someone you think of as a friend is taking you for a complete mug, but I’m afraid that is the reality here.

This. She must know she hasn't bothered with your DC. She's a dick and she's emotionally manipulating you. I know it can he hard to see when you're in the situation and you want to see the best in someone but's it's true.

Perfect.

The gift giving can be financially crippling and should not be what friendships and relationships are based on.

I think you need to be honest with her about why you're feeling resentful - you need to tell her that she isn't reciprocating with your child. You can tell her this gently. Just point it out and compare the situations. If this situation continues, it will make your child feel unimportant when you're lavishing such attention on her children. It's not fair - it needs to be two-way.

Well you’ve opened up the subject with her now so she will be prepared next time you bring it up with her. If she can’t recognise how unbalanced things are between your & her DC she sounds entitled and selfish. Don’t let her drain your family finances. Maybe when she sends the list just say “we are doing our own gifts this year” and get the small token gifts you already told her about. It sounds like she and her DC need to reevaluate their attitudes about gifts and understand it’s the thought that counts

Why not tell her you’ve reflected and can’t afford to spend over £200 a year on gifts. Tell her that the selection box she got your DC was ideal and you should continue with that idea and reciprocate. Then ask her if she’s going to buy for your dc day? And if so ask to agree an overall present budget. If that’s too subtle for her to work out just say you need the £200 you spend on her kids every year to spend on your own DC and presents will remain as sweets

Well of course every kid likes opening presents!! The more the merrier.

It seems she is thinking that you as a supportive surrogate Mum/Aunty Figure and not an equal friend. Therefore it feels to her you (the stand in figure) 'owe' it her to buy the kids presents.

She's trying to make you the grandparent (she thinks) her children are missing.
She feels guilty and sad her kids have no grandparents. And that's natural but it's not your issue to make it right.

You are enabling that by not bringing her down to earth/back to reality.
You tried to, but she cried then you agreed to go back to being her Mother/Aunty again.

Next time you are talking say something like.... 'I've been thinking about it and the kids presents thing. I noticed you forgot DDs birthday but you tend to talk a lot about me buying your children presents. I'm just wondering if maybe I have a role of a grandparent/Aunty sort of figure rather than just a normal friend, and if that's true that role is quite a burden on me psychologically'

Well, word it your own way but you see what I mean.

Instead of the present buying, emphasis the pressure on you, and the weight of the role she places on you, and how that gets in the way of you two having a reciprocal supportive relationship.

Tricky one. Firstly is everything OK in her marriage and does she have access to money? Just wondering if she's having to scrape money together to get things for the kids and you buying them each a present helps with that. What is she like in the rest of the friendship - is it fairly equal and is she thoughtful towards you in other ways?

I'd either buy a family present eg board game plus some sweets or similar (hot chocolate bombs went down well with family DC) so they have something individual to open. Or check out their lists and use as inspiration but buy something smaller/cheaper eg if 5 year old has lots of lego on the list, get a smaller lego set that is within the theme of the type of lego they like. If the older DC wants a specific brand T-shirt, buy them a cheaper item (hat/mug/socks) in that brand instead. That sort of thing.

Actually, what we do for a family we buy for (4 kids) is to get them a cinema voucher for £50 for a cinema they have nearby plus a little chocolate reindeer or something each. They really love saving the cinema voucher and going together.

I'd also drop your DC's birthday into conversation so, a week or two before start talking about what you're buying, what plans you have, the stress of sorting a party or whatever, just to remind her that your DC has a birthday too!

I'd then see what she does for your DC this Christmas and go forward from there. If she puts more effort in for your DC this Christmas then you may feel better about continuing to buy but keeping costs low if possible. If she buys your DC a selection box again (even after the conversation you had), you can rethink and maybe have another conversation.

Why didn’t you say that you’re disappointed that your friend doesn’t buy for your children when she said that? That was the ideal opportunity

I would have mentioned a selection box as being more the sort of present you have in mind. Generally with friends and their children I've been careful of not getting in to a gift escalation cycle where the one whose kids get the more expensive gift feels guilty and ups the value the next year and I try and keep gifts token and spend about as much as the person sending me / my children gifts. She sounds very grabby. If she wants £30 spent on her kids she should be spending that on yours.

How about something like:

"Why don't we decide on a budget to spend on each other's families then you buy the presents for your 4 from that and I will buy for mine. You can wrap and label the ones for your 4 from me and I will label the ones for my DC from you. That way we know that all the DC will have something they like. I'm sure you have enough to think about without adding my DC to your list."

If her DC miss out it's not your fault, your DC is treated better and if might keep the friendship between you if that is something you want to do going forward.

This is a great message. I’d make it more truthful though as she didn’t give your dd anything for birthday. So something along the lines of ‘…spending around £250 on Christmas and birthdays’. And ‘I was so relieved when you gave dd a token gift last Christmas and haven’t marked her birthday as I thought you were feeling the same way…’.