Endless present buying for friend’s DC

[Whenisone]

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

You shouldn't be guilt-tripped into continuing to buy presents. The fact that her children don't have grandparents or many external friends is not your problem! I think you should have another chat and simply state firmly that you want to get away from the expectation of expensive presents outside of your immediate family and to get back to the idea of a token gift to show affection, so you won't be continuing with expensive presents. If she cries, she cries. Stand firm and don't be manipulated. If she pushes it - tell her exactly what you have told us and how that's made you feel. If an inexpensive token (IF it's remembered at all!) is good enough for your DC, then it's good enough for her kids.

Some people are real cheeky F'ers though. One of my relatives called me up to tell me that they want me to buy them a tin of Quality Street from a well known shop. You know, the ones where they fill it with only the ones you like and put your name on the top and charge you a fortune. You can get them for a fiver from Tesco, but they have asked me for this. They are one of the ones I am buying for, but it is such a waste.

My SIL used to send me an email saying what she wanted for Christmas, usually around £70-100. I stopped this a few years ago and she hasn't bought my DC since, even though I bought her expensive presents for 25 years. I'm fine with that though. Another friend got upset when I tried to stop buying for their DC, saying she didn't have siblings so her DD didn't get a lot of presents. She actually has more stuff than any child I have ever seen. I sent her DC, but friend was too busy and unorganised to send anything to mine.

It's hard to just stop, but the relief is great when you do.

Are you paying for coffees and lunches aswel?

But she isn’t bothered about hurting your child’s feelings is she?
Bullshit has she forgot.
Losing parents is sad but it’s not a reason to be a selfish entitled dick head.

Are you out of pocket in any other ways? Meals? Drinks? Activities?

Oh I think what someone suggested above is perfect- “I’m not doing big gifts going forward but I’m happy to get them a selection box like you get for my dc.”
she would have to be unbelievably self-absorbed to not reconsider her own gift giving and what she expects of you.

She is texting you a few weeks before their birthday, are you doing the same? If not then start.
Tell her what your dc wants for Xmas.
If she doesn’t buy, then next year she has no leg to stand on and you have every right not to buy her dc any presents

Stop being soft!!
Set the boundaries you’d be telling your own child to make for their self!

This woman may seem like a friend but having the cheek to send you lists and stipulate how much is spent etc - that’s not a friend. She’s putting guilt on your friendship - who does that?!

Harden up and buy them (if you buy at all) something like a book each for their birthday and tin of sweets/quality street to share for Xmas.

You are being mugged off. She is a CF. I would led that friendship fade.

Why don’t you say something like money’s a bit tight now so why don’t we not do presents for all the kids and just meet up and have a great day out somewhere together

Don't give to receive. Simple. What's the point of giving a gift with resentment. If you don't want to then don't.

I'd be sending her a reminder about your DC and your DC's Christmas list this year then and see what materialises.
Also you don't necessarily have to pick from their list, pick a cheaper option that suits you, get the 2 for £24 gifts from B&M. Children are excited to get gifts and open toys, they won't care its not exactly what was on their list.

But her crying when you saying you weren't going to send her DC's a gift isn't being grabby?! And why are you worried about her being mortified here - she HASN'T sent your child a gift, but is complaining at the prospect of you not sending her children any. She should be bloody mortified!!

You missed a good opportunity during that tearful conversation!

I would have said "ah I'm sorry but I'll still get them gifts! It's just such a lot of money and tbh you gave my dc a selection box for Christmas, which is fine! And I don't think you even got dc a birthday gift did you? Let's just cut it back".

Forget their birthdays & just say you didn’t think we were doing them anymore. Re Christmas I’d send a nice family gift Eg monopoly specific to their area or interests or Uno & a selection box for the family. Then just stop.

Given her reaction, I would say there's something else going on. I don't think she sounds like the normal sort of CF. Do you know what state her marriage is in?

You sound lovely OP, but this has to stop.

"Jane, I'm so sorry you were upset yesterday, but tbh you caught me a little off guard. I just can't afford to keep spending over £100 on your DC every Christmas, you know I love them to bits but I just can't stretch that far any more. Honestly I was so relieved at your presents for DD's birthday and Christmas as I thought you were feeling the same way and indicating that it was fine to cut my budget, that's why I was planning on buying sweets, because you had done the same and I was following your lead. I'm happy to get them something small but I just can't afford to keep spending £30 each on them."

I know it’s a hard one but I would grasp the nettle again and have another conversation or text again. Don’t give up. You will end up resentful if you don’t balance the weighing scales. For the sake of your friendship, go again and don’t be dissuaded by tears.

’ I know you got upset when we spoke about this the last time, but I really am gone against all the gift buying for environmental reasons, it feels wasteful. I would really prefer if we all went on a day out together over Christmas rather than doing presents this year, so I have booked the (show) for myself and my daughter and would love if you brought the kids along and we made a day of it. Hot chocolates are on me x’

"Been thinking about our chat, sorry if it made you a bit upset however I can't keep spending as much money as I am as it all adds up and it's affecting what I can get my dc. Hope you can understand! I'll still get them a little something each like a selection box"

She can't turn her nose up at a selection box if that's what she got your dc! She's taking the piss imo.

She won't be mortified if you pull her up on her lack of reciprocity because she ABSOLUTELY knows she is treating you like a mig.

OP, any friendhip that is predicated on her monetary gain from you is not a true friendship. If she stops being your friend because you stop the presents then she never valued your friendship in the first place.

I guarantee her kids won't give a shit that presents have stopped, they will expect and continue to receive toys etc from their parents.

Omg that’s so bad! I’d have pointed out the presents she gets (or doesn’t get!) your DC. I don’t understand why some people can’t self reflect on situations like this.

I can’t believe you’ve been forking out this much for so many years. Didn’t you start to feel resentful a long time ago? I’m even peeved that my godchild’s mother sent me a wish list for his birthday without me asking for it! I’m mean enough to not want to get him a present this year. As soon as I start feeling like a subscription service or a cash point I just want to stop.

In your shoes I would just totally stop. I would also explain to your friend that it feels totally one sided and that this isn’t good for friendship.

But she’s being grabby!
She is going to send you a list of gifts you are expected to buy for her four kids… and she buys yours a selection box!

This needs to stop right now. But turn it around. Your daughter loves her selection box so that’s what you get for her four. How can she say that’s mean when that’s what she gets for your child?!
Money is tight for everyone these days, so why should you be buying expensive toys for her four.

And as for birthdays, put a £10 gift card in the post next year and if there is still nothing for your child then stop the year after.

Loosing her parents very young is tragic but I grew up without grandparents as did lots of other people. That’s just life. And if her husband is a big earner they can afford lots of presents.

Personally, I think she’s taking the pee…..

YOU sound lovely OP, she doesn’t.
What @ColleenDonaghy said is perfect. You are just following her lead.
I can’t believe she’s guilt tripping you. Is the something else going on as others have asked, do you think?

When she sends you the wishlist, simply reply "Eek, a bit awkward but there's nothing here for under a tenner. Could you send some more things through that they might like, otherwise will stick to a selection box (my DD loved her one from you last year.)"