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Original poster

Endless present buying for friend’s DC

530 replies

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:22

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

OP posts:

Paleshelter · 11/10/2023 08:52

She is taking you for an absolute mug. Sending people a list of gifts for her children, what a cheek! Then doesn't even buy anything for your child.
She sounds very manipulative, turning the tears on. I would be keeping my distance from her, she us not a good friend. Put a stop to it.

EvergreenGoddess · 11/10/2023 08:52

This is just ridiculous, and I say this as someone who has been there, and done that.

This Christmas is going to be different. I had done some Christmas shopping, and I have returned them and got refunds. I am not buying for anyone this Christmas except for my PIL, DF, DH and my own DC.

I used to buy for friends DC, for my grown nieces and nephews and their DC. I never got a thanks and my own DC got nothing in return, despite all being under 18.

A few weeks ago a lot of people did nothing for my DC's 18th, so I returned all the presents I had already bought for them. Nor will I be hosting Christmas dinner, or making 10 billion home made mince pies and other things for them that they ask for. It sounds like a toys out pram reaction, but it's not. It's just a quiet retreat. It took this for me to say "enough" to myself, and have the courage and conviction to draw a line under it all. It feels good. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

readingismycardio · 11/10/2023 08:52

Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

WHAT A CF!!! Please stop this.

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Christmas Families General shopping

mavornia · 11/10/2023 08:53

Also, I don’t underestimate the mental load involved in selecting and delivering gifts for all four of her children at both Christmas and their birthdays in addition to the cost. She makes none of this effort. She could get you and your child something thoughtful in return but doesn’t.

I appreciate it can be hard to be blunt in real life. Could you say that you’re happy to have her in your life and glad that your friendship doesn’t depend on material things because you’re reviewing your spending and mental load. Gently point out you value her despite no gifts for your child etc and hope she feels the same.

Kazzybingbong · 11/10/2023 08:53

Darnley · 10/10/2023 15:29

To tone down the expense, how about getting each child a nice Xmas box and filling it with smaller inexpensive items to each individuals age, tastes etc.
my sister does this for friends children and they love it.
there’s loads of quirky, fun stuff on t internet, and they would have loads to open.

That sounds like a lovely thing to do which would take a lot of brain space and planning that her friend clearly CBA doing for her own child.

It’s not OP’s responsibility for her friend’s kids to have presents to open.

Kazzybingbong · 11/10/2023 08:56

EvergreenGoddess · 11/10/2023 08:52

This is just ridiculous, and I say this as someone who has been there, and done that.

I used to buy for friends DC, for my grown nieces and nephews and their DC. I never got a thanks and my own DC got nothing in return, despite all being under 18.

Edited

Good on you. Spend that extra time and money on making Christmas special for the ones who actually appreciate the effort.

CwmYoy · 11/10/2023 08:56

I would tell her your financial situation is such that you just cannot afford to keep this up. But you will buy token presents (selection boxes?) so they have something to open.

mumda · 11/10/2023 08:57

Stop worrying about her feelings and concentrate on your own life.
She's selfish and manipulative.

You'd be right to have respond that she has been utterly twatty to your daughter.

Captainobvious35 · 11/10/2023 08:57

Oh my gosh stop tiptoeing around her. I have a few primary school friendships of 25/30ish years and would have no issue with just being honest about the situation. If she’s a good friend she’ll understand.

You don’t have to be rude or mean, just send a message saying something like ‘I really can’t afford to spend a couple hundred a year on the kids anymore sorry, but I love buying them gifts so send me a few cheaper ideas through :) or I could get them selection boxes like you did for child’s name last year?’

if she’s not nuts she’ll respond normally.

OCDisTorture · 11/10/2023 08:57

I think she's just fallen into the trap of being a bit self-absorbed and expecting this. I can see why you're resentful.

If her DH is a high earner, it's not like your actual presents will materially be that important to her kids - how about every Christmas both families buy 1 new Christmas decoration (e.g. something for the tree) for the other family to open on Christmas eve? Not sure what to do about birthdays 🤔

Padz · 11/10/2023 08:57

Regardless of how fragile she is, she’s your friend, be straight up with her, tell her you’re cutting back and you’ll be gifting from the heart rather than list going forward.
choose a lovely book and some choccies or PJ’s etc loads of Christmassy things you can give and as the kids get older, a gift card for their fave shop.

Warum · 11/10/2023 08:58

'I've loved buying them too, but to be honest it's got a bit out of hand. I'll get them some sweets and a small gift this year, but going forward it'll just be something small.'

If she doesn't like this or tries to emotionally manipulate you then that's her issue, she doesn't get to control what you do or what you spend money on.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/10/2023 08:58

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:50

I don’t want to drip feed, but friend lost her parents quite young in horrible circumstances. We’ve been friends a very long time, and it has taken her a long time to come to terms with it. I know she mourns the fact her DC dont have grandparents, so her crying wasn’t just for effect.
I do care about her DC (and they do thank me) but I just want to massively tone down the present buying.
Also, I would never pull her up on forgetting my DC’s birthday, as it feels grabby and I suspect she’d be mortified.

Don't pull her up, just reciprocate the reminder.

Oh just a heads up it's Jack's birthday in two weeks, here's his wish list.
Hey, got out letters to Santa sorted, here's a list of what's left

Nothing under say £15

concernedmumhelp · 11/10/2023 08:58

Didn't RTFT but I have a present stash and buy in the sales. I give things that would cost £15-30 RRP but actually cost £5-10. Works for me.

Mumof3children · 11/10/2023 08:59

Are you sure you want to have a friend who takes advantage of you?

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/10/2023 09:00

The thing is that she doesn't give you a second thought with regard to presents to your dc and yet it would be much cheaper for her. Anyone with four children knows how expensive it is for people to buy gifts. I think she is really really cheeky and needs pulling up on this.

uhtredofbattenberg · 11/10/2023 09:01

If its purely the gifts she wants from you for her DC , can you suggest she gives you the money for them, as its unaffordable for you - and you can then buy, wrap and give them...?

CiderJolly · 11/10/2023 09:01

I couldn’t even be arsed being mates with someone who burst into tears over nothing. Drama no-one needs. Why do you bother?

theleafandnotthetree · 11/10/2023 09:01

ABetterBitOfButter · 10/10/2023 16:47

My sister in law is like this. We have one child, she has three (or maybe four, she's always popping them out). Every birthday and Christmas she sends lists of what they want, usually £50 and up. My DD received a bar of soap for Christmas after we said that, as a young teen, she'd become interested in 'nice smellies'. I have started ignoring her lists and sending what I think are sensibly priced, age appropriate gifts instead. Could you do that?

3 maybe 4, I love it 🤣

Jellycats4life · 11/10/2023 09:03

You do not exist to fill a “present gap” left behind by her deceased parents. It’s very sad for her, but lots of kids don’t have living grandparents.

jlpth · 11/10/2023 09:03

CiderJolly · 11/10/2023 09:01

I couldn’t even be arsed being mates with someone who burst into tears over nothing. Drama no-one needs. Why do you bother?

Indeed

friendlycat · 11/10/2023 09:03

Selection boxes are just fine for the presents for her kids. She thinks they are perfectly acceptable for your child doesn't she?

If she mentions it again, I would say "I've got presents sorted for your children so do not need any suggestions thank you". Then finish the conversation.

You need to start as you mean to go on now and not cave into her otherwise where does it all end?

She has no compunction about being very frugal, or even ignoring, your child so why on earth do you need to spend the sums suggested on her children?

jlpth · 11/10/2023 09:04

Where are the paternal grandparents?

Lottie4 · 11/10/2023 09:05

I'd start as I mean to go on right now. If you wish to buy anything for her DC, xmas could be a joint family gift, ie some food treats. Birthdays can be a nice toiletry or chocolate treat, or if you're willing to spend £10 a voucher.

Having said that I had a similar situation with my friend. She had two, I happily bought for two, but twice in a row she didn't give DD anything for her birthday (she knew it was her birthday as other friends would message on group chat on the day). From that day on, I stopped buying.

JanetheObscure · 11/10/2023 09:06

Her DC don't have any grandparents at all?

Whilst understanding that it's nice for her DC to know that someone else is thinking of them on special days, it's not your job to stand in for late/ absent grandparents. A thoughtful gift of no more than £10 is just as meaningful (and still adds up to a lot for you).

Meanwhile, it's inexcusable that she basically forgets your DC. If the friendship is that important to you, I would talk to her. Explain that you do want to send her children presents, but that you are finding it very expensive for all four of them and would like to choose your own for them in future. Gently tell her that you can't help noticing that she doesn't reciprocate with your DC.

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