Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 ··· 15 16 17 ··· 21 22

Original poster

Endless present buying for friend’s DC

530 replies

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:22

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

OP posts:

CherryCokeFanatic · 11/10/2023 15:22

You’re a doormat.

Have a sensible conversation about your DC birthday being missed and the difference in budgets at Christmas.

If she reacts badly and continues an emotional guilt trip disengage, don’t bring it up further and provide a range of sweets/selection boxes at Christmas and say nothing further.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 11/10/2023 15:25

I think the best answer is to ask her to give you the £200 as she is so rich so that you can then buy the gifts that make her feel her children are less alone in the world.

Joeylove88 · 11/10/2023 15:32

Wow your 'friend' is so entitled! Simply send her a list of things your DC would like for Christmas that comes to the amount you spend on all of her DC! Tell her it's lovely now your child gets to be in the gift giving so everything is fair.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Families General shopping

VineRipened · 11/10/2023 15:34

I think you need to be kind but honest.

Do you work? Just tell her that you get overloaded with lists and jobs alongside work and parenting, and are generally cutting down in gift giving within your family, and them to you.

And say it isn’t about how you feel about her or her kids. And I think it’s OK to gently reference the lack of gifts for your Dc. As in ‘It doesn’t matter, I’m not upset, but it’s a case in point: I was so busy I forgot to send you a list of suggestions, you are busy and it probably slipped your mind. And in the end none of our kids need extra stuff! But of course I can continue for now if it is important to your Dc… ‘.

And hopefully she will gain some perspective and a grip.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/10/2023 15:35

Ah I think you should keep doing it Op, think of the kids

Zonder · 11/10/2023 15:36

Surely she would want to buy for your DC too? I would start sending her a wishlist too, just before Christmas and birthday.

AutumnCrow · 11/10/2023 15:38

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/10/2023 15:35

Ah I think you should keep doing it Op, think of the kids

She could double up?

Go large at Xmas, birthdays, Easter and Halloween.

Hankunamatata · 11/10/2023 15:41

So remind her when your dc birthday is coming up and send a list. Same with Christmas

Bettysnow · 11/10/2023 15:43

Tell her you've been thinking of donating the £200 each Christmas towards a children's Xmas gift collection charity and you would like her to match it rather than buy each others kids gifts. Hopefully it will jog her memory that she spends nothing on your child and maybe make her think about other children who get nothing

Wishimaywishimight · 11/10/2023 15:46

Tell her your DC is working on their Christmas list at the moment and you will send it to her as soon as it's ready.

AgeGapBbe · 11/10/2023 15:50

Oh yes! Selection boxes for all of them- you’re following her lead then.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/10/2023 15:54

AutumnCrow · 11/10/2023 15:38

She could double up?

Go large at Xmas, birthdays, Easter and Halloween.

Show quote history

Exactly! She co always remortgage her house or raid her child’s piggy bank to pay if it becomes a bit much

ilovesushi · 11/10/2023 15:54

Stop buying them things right now! Just stop. No more presents. No excuses, no apologies, no explanations.

Greydogs123 · 11/10/2023 15:58

Why do you not send a list of things your child would like a couple of weeks before? She does for you, so it wouldn’t be rude.
If you really feel you can’t stop buying, then just buy token gifts. A book you think they’d like along with some chocs/sweets. She is manipulating you through her emotional reaction.

NewName122 · 11/10/2023 16:20

You are a mug sorry. She doesn't sound like a good friend at all. She sounds like she uses you.

BodegaSushi · 11/10/2023 16:20

I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it.

No I'm sorry, there are not actual people like this. Nope.

weirdoboelady · 11/10/2023 16:20

"When we met the other day, you were upset because you said your DC love getting presents from me and would be upset not to get one. I am sorry I didn't say at the time, but my DC was a bit upset on his birthday, because he didn't get a present from you. I didn't want to mention it - in fact I still don't want to but I don't feel I'm being fair to DC if I don't tell you this, just as it wouldn't be fair to your DC if you hadn't told me how much they enjoy presents from me. So could we even things up a bit? Sorry if this seems insensitive but I thought we are such close friends that it was only fair to mention it."

NewName122 · 11/10/2023 16:21

weirdoboelady · 11/10/2023 16:20

This is spot on. Perfect.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 11/10/2023 16:30

What a show.

Stop being a mug. She's perfectly happy to forget your child whilst sending expensive requests for hers.

Not your problem to solve her 'lack of grandparents'.

IncognitoMam · 11/10/2023 16:35

She's awful. Has she always been a cheeky fucker?

Bluela18 · 11/10/2023 16:51

EasterFlower · 11/10/2023 14:16

I'm not picking on you particularly but a significant minority of posters have said this. It's irrelevant to the issue of Christmas gifts. OP doesn't exist to prop up someone else's failing marriage so they don't have to face reality and do something about it.

Show quote history

Exactly this. It might be that she's being financially abused in some worst case scenario for her, but even then , what real friend going through such a thing would then not consider the feelings of other people and their children just to benefit themselves and put a strain on others financially. Such a good friend, you'd think she'd open up to any financial abuse instead of then crying and writing lists etc

Walkaround · 11/10/2023 16:54

In no way is it acceptable to forget one child’s birthday if you expect that person to remember four children’s birthdays and Christmases and buy relatively expensive items for them every year. Your friend’s idea of what she lost out on when she lost her parents is frankly weird, materialistic and self-centred. Of course her kids like opening expensive presents, they would enjoy that whoever gave the presents to them. That is not what friends or grandparents are for, however. Sweets are just as good; it’s the thought that counts, which is something she should remember when it comes round to your child’s birthday and Christmas.

I would tell her you are really sorry, but with the cost of living you are struggling to maintain this and would rather be able to continue buying her children a little token something each time than having to stop buying for them altogether, or start missing out one or the other special occasion.

aloris · 11/10/2023 16:59

I appreciate that your friend really feels her lack of parents acutely but that doesn't make you her children's grandparent and it's not fair to put the burden on you to fill in that gap. Also, your friend is an adult now and even if there is tragedy in her past, it's manipulative for her to cry when you stand up for your interests. If she's so empathetic to the idea that children enjoy getting gifts and that getting gifts makes them feel loved, then why doesn't she bother to make sure she gets your child gifts? Why did she give your child something as dull as a selection box (Ok I have to admit here I don't know what a selection box is, but from context and educated guesswork I'm working on the assumption it's a chocolate box with different sorts of chocolate in it) when she expected, for her own children, rather pricey gifts selected to suit their desires?

She expects you to put thought AND money into making her kids feel special but puts neither of those into your kids. She has the money, and thinking about how to make your kid feel special is free. She cares about her own kids and expects you to do the same, but she doesn't really care about your kid.

Just because someone had a difficult past doesn't mean they aren't capable of becoming a bit of a "taker."

I like this text that someone posted above, I think it's reasonable and fair, without being unkind:
"
Personally I'd send a text saying 'I'm really sorry but I just can't afford to buy for each of the kids at Christmas anymore with the cost of living etc. I have to be more careful. I really hope you can understand and I look forward to seeing you soon'
"

DomPom47 · 11/10/2023 17:14

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/10/2023 12:26

Tell her that a) you’re disappointed that she doesn’t bother with your child and b) the present requests are becoming too expensive. If she falls out with you having heard those entirely reasonable justifications for stopping the buying, is this a great loss?

This!

Sparkleshine21 · 11/10/2023 17:24

OP you sound so so lovely and a great friend. But to put this into perspective, I am a single mum, my daughter has no grandparents at all and I STILL don’t expect the shortfall of gifts to be made up by my friends or my siblings. If people want to buy her a gift, they do but it isn’t expected and there’s no suggesting gifts or sending out lists. I save all year to provide her with more than enough xmas pressies, and your friend isn’t short of money so I don’t understand why she feels you need to help her out with gifts for her kids? Sorry, you sound lovely but she sounds selfish

Flip

1 2 ··· 15 16 17 ··· 21 22

Swipe left for the next trending thread