Endless present buying for friend’s DC

[Whenisone]

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

Nooooooooooo!!! On Mumsnet?? Surely not ...

Phase it out gently/change it then if you don't want to pull her up on her not bothering with your DC.

At Christmas send a family gift - a board game or similar that they can all enjoy.

Remind her about your DC's birthday/send lists, if you are going to continue buying for her DC from the list she sends you.

Lower the amount you spend on birthday presents or start sending a card with a tenner in & a bag of sweets instead.

She sounds emotionally immature, lacking in empathy and self absorbed - I'm not convinced that is because she lost her parents young or that you are helping her in any way by pretending it is ok to send expensive lists for her children and forget yours.

You just agreed without discussing your dc at all?

I just don’t know how to extricate myself without hurting her feelings.

Be honest with her, otherwise resentment will kill off your friendship anyway. You want to spend the next 15 years or so buying increasingly expensive gifts for the birthdays and Christmas's of her four children while getting a £2 selection box back in return? When she burst into tears it was the perfect time to ask why she thought sweets were an appropriate gift for your child but not hers. (I am assuming you know her well enough to know if there could be financial abuse in her marriage.)

Have a conversation where you discuss birthdays and Christmas for all the children - hers and yours. How to move forward so everyone is happy. Fix a budget. Or you can do it in a more passive aggressive way. When she sends a wishlist, you send a wishlist, etc.

Did you mention to her that she had forgotten your child’s birthday? If so, what was her response?
I have 5 kids and my best friend has one. I tell her to buy less for my kids as even a £5 gift is £25 for my household. You friend sounds ridiculous.

Send her a gift list with a reminder that she missed a few so she can feel free to pick up extras to make up for it.

In the nicest possible way, you are being completely taken advantage of. I dont do any pressies for friend’s children unless we go to their party (as thats obviously normal party etiquette to take a gift). I don’t expect any back either for my children for their birthdays/Christmas.

The majority of children in this country (I know not all) get more than enough presents from their own parents. Everything else is a lovely extra but the kids really wont mind.

She needs to get a grip if those tears were actually real (thats a big IF as I cant imagine any parent I know getting upset over a present).

Wow. Some people are a fucking pisstake! The cheek and nerve of some people is beyond me. Absolutely shameless, pissing me off reading about it.

You need to 100% pull her up on her entitled behaviour, it is selfish, and she is being downright manipulative. “Tears” over you wanting to send sweets is ridiculous. Regardless of their circumstances, it is not your responsibility to go all out with her embarrassing list of presents, given it is not in any way reciprocal. She forgets your child’s birthday and sent a selection box, yet expects so much more back??? No.

The fact that you say you would never bring this up and she would be mortified, just shows the kind of dynamic this friendship is. No matter how long it’s been, she comes across as a taker whilst you’re the giver. Some people know no limits and think they deserve more than they give. It then becomes easy to continue this pattern because they’re your “close/best friend.”

I can understand how you wouldn’t wanna rock the boat, but you need to speak up or you will be full of resentment. I say this because I used to have similar dynamics in friendships, not a situation like this, but ones where friends take more than they give, yet expect you to keep giving.

Unfortunately, it might be that this goes back to feelings of low self worth and and a “responsibility” to keep giving to ungrateful bitches. Sorry, I may be projecting, but you need to challenge her behaviour, otherwise she will continue to believe her entitlement, take advantage, and regard her needs as superior.

OTT - as already said by many others, they're taking you for a ride! Stop!

For Christmas you could suggest starting a new tradition to replace the present buying.
Perhaps you could all go to the pantomime together. The kids would associate this as a fun Xmas event to be shared between both families. But you buy your tickets, she buys hers.
Alternatively, a woodland walk together, Xmas craft workshop etc followed by breakfast/lunch
The emphasis would move from present buying to spending time together.
For birthdays you could suggest something similar, out for a walk/cinema/fun activity etc followed by lunch/tea
You could say you'd feel happier making memories together rather than just gift giving. They do say the best gift you can give a child is your time🙂

I have 4 kids and they get nothing from my wider family, or their father's. I still wouldn't send lists of expensive presents to a friend, especially if I didn't bother with her child in return.

She doesn't seem to have considered your child in all of this at all, OP. That probably tells you all you need to know. Basically, you can either leave this as it is and cope with the growing resentment poisoning your relationship with your friend, or you can raise it again in the hope that the two of you can come to a satisfactory compromise. At the very least, if you continue with the gifts then you should also send reminders and gift lists.

I'm another one not to sure why you want to spare her feelings as she clearly isn't bothered about yours.

You can't avoid the fact that she has not bought your child a birthday present for the past two years which in itself is rather poor behaviour given the fact she sends you gift lists for her children in the region of £20 to £30 each for their birthdays. At the end of the year she must realise she didn't acknowledge your DC's birthday but you did for her four.

Then compound this with gift lists for her children again at Christmas, in that monetary amount, and she chooses to send your child a selection box. There is no forgetting here about your child. She has bought your child a Christmas present but has decided to purchase a selection box when she is aware of the gift list that she has given you for her children's Christmas presents. She did not even decide to spend just £30 on your child which is a quarter of what you spent on her children at Christmas. This really does not sound like the actions of a great friend frankly.

It's not a wonder you are feeling resentful about it all. But it is you that should be upset and not her in tears, unless they are tears of shame for her behaviour.

I understand the dilemma and you don’t want to hurt her, but she has told you how she feels and so you should have the right to do the same.

You can spell it out factually and tactfully that she has 4 children to your 1 and you were taking the lead from her token Christmas present and no birthday present.

She is telling you quite clearly that her needs are greater than yours. She has a sad history and is willing to use that to continue to benefit her, regardless of the impact on you.

If, despite this, you are unable to put a stop to this one sided arrangement, you are a bit stuck. Nothing willchange unless you speak up.

When my ex and I separated he sent me a link for a £500 computer for himself as a suggested Easter Gift.

I wrote back is ha ha. Easter is not Xmas.
We do a couple of £1 Easter eggs max. Which one do you want Smarties or Maltesers.

Tell her that a) you’re disappointed that she doesn’t bother with your child

I've only got this far at reading the replies...but yes absolutely this and it's really all you need to say then let her fill in any silence gaps.

If this is real, I don't care how nice you say your friend is, I think she is manipulative and cries to get her own way. I know plenty of people who have had tragedy but they don't use it as a excuse to get what they want.
Your friend is grabby, she expects you to buy four separate presents for her kids but can't even remember your child's birthday.
I presume you posted to get advice, take it, stop buying and stop letting her treat you like a mug. I can find no excuses for this woman's behaviour.She is entitled, I would not be her friend.

There is no forgetting here about your child. She has bought your child a Christmas present but has decided to purchase a selection box when she is aware of the gift list that she has given you for her children's Christmas presents.

I feel like this needs repeating. I cannot imagine having the brass neck to send someone a list of presents each costing £20-30 for four children then buy their child a selection box. She's telling you very clearly with her actions that her family is more important than yours.

Surely you can see from the absolutely overwhelming tone of the replies that there are multiple ways you can stop this. If you can't say something for yourself, do it for your own DC else what message will you be sending your child in the next few years? Kids notice if you buy expensive gifts for other kids... You said you'd feel grabby and she'd be mortified if you pointed out she forgot your DC birthday. If all that matters is her feelings, why are you on mumsnet saying "How do I get out of this and keep my friend?" while ignoring all the suggestions -- many of them are very reasonable?

Exactly. If she falls out with you all the better

ColleenDonaghy · Today 09:19

You sound lovely OP, but this has to stop.

"Jane, I'm so sorry you were upset yesterday, but tbh you caught me a little off guard. I just can't afford to keep spending over £100 on your DC every Christmas, you know I love them to bits but I just can't stretch that far any more. Honestly I was so relieved at your presents for DD's birthday and Christmas as I thought you were feeling the same way and indicating that it was fine to cut my budget, that's why I was planning on buying sweets, because you had done the same and I was following your lead. I'm happy to get them something small but I just can't afford to keep spending £30 each on them."

Agree. This is brilliant. Either you agree or I'm going to agree with others that your post is manufactured by you for outrage.

I like this message

You are feeling resentful and you will continue to do so until you change what is happening. You are choosing to put your friendship above your desire not to feel resentful and hurt on behalf of your DC and more importantly yourself. If you wish to continue, you need to make peace with that.... otherwise the resentment will grow.

You can choose to ignore the list and buy a game that all of them can play together and pointedly send a thank you card for the selection box saying - Thank you for the selection box, I hope your family enjoyed the game.

or if you choose to buy separately for each child - send a card saying thank you for the selection box, I hope you all enjoyed the Marvel Figures, Lego set, Schleich Horses and Mini Speaker I sent for your children.

PS: DC's birthday is 24 April LOL!!

Or: you say - dear friend.. l am sorry I upset you when I suggested that I buy a smaller present for your children this year, I had no idea that my presents meant so much to you and your family. It is helpful to better understand the context. With that in mind, can I ask you to consider how I might feel the presents received by DC from your family for birthday and Christmas in context of the presents I buy for your children?