Endless present buying for friend’s DC

[Whenisone]

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

Can you just say you'd love to do it but you can't afford to keep doing so, and you need to prioritise money for your DD? Does she have any suggestions for how to keep the kids happy whilst downgrading spend? E.g. a family present plus some sweets gor them each?

Shes got a cheek to be sending you her kids christmas lists. Is it like oh pick something off each kids list and let her know what you got them. She sounds very entitled and she's also raising seemingly very entitled kids. Its not your problem that they don't have many relatives. This friend really needs a reality check. She sounds selfish

I'll never understand OPs like this. She's made every excuse under the sun for her 'lovely friend'. So looks like she'll continue to allow her own child to be treated like shit by the friend. Stand up for your child OP.

This is a YOU issue OP and I think you know that. I don’t buy for anyone’s children unless they buy for mine, family included. Absolutely no way in hell would I be spending money that could be going on my own actual children. Tough shit if she cried. I wouldn’t see her the same anymore and would take a major step back from her, she’s a rude twat!

This is cheeky fuckery at its finest!

Expects you to buy for her 4 kids - and furnishes you with a list - but forgets your child's birthday two years in a row now!!

If she's that bothered about her kids having 'external presents', tell her to buy them herself and put your name on it.

Bloody cheek

I wouldn’t use her lists, just buy token gifts within your budget. It’s ok to remind her about presents for your daughter, it should all be reciprocal.

OMG she is being a CF of the first water.

I think this is the kind of conversation you need to have in person. If she's that close a friend then you should be able to address it with her, without it ruining your friendship.

I'd explain how you're finding the cost too much, that you love her children etc, and then maybe buy each child a well-chosen book.

You should, really, also tell her about forgetting your own child's birthday. Again, as a good friend she should be able to hear this kind of thing from you.

This seems quite one sided. It sounds she’s been through a lot and has awful circumstances but why is it ok to get your child a selection box and forget. That’s nothing to do with her circumstances it’s just bizarre she can see the value spent on her children and doesn’t feel in any way bad that she doesn’t do the same for you?
sounds like she’s using you a bit and alarmist seeing you as a replacement for the grandparents

She doesn’t care about your feelings or your child though? So why are you so mindful of hers??

it’s a massively imbalanced relationship.

@Whenisone - if she is a good friend, as you say she is, she would understand if you said "Sorry, Agnes, but I have got to rein in my spending on presents - thanks, CoL crisis - so I won't be able to get the kids gifts from their lists - but they will have something to unwrap from me, on Christmas day."

And then I'd get them a selection box each - if she complains about this, she proves she is not a real friend, since it would show that she thinks you should spend a lot more on her kids than she does on yours.

OP - I also lost my parents young and in very difficult circumstances, I’m also sad about my DC’s lack of grandparents on my side. I absolutely don’t feel that anyone else is obligated to make up for this with expensive gifts, not even my very good friends of over 30 years.

Absolutely nobody sends gift lists for their 4 children to a friend, with nothing under £20 on them, for both birthdays and Christmas - whilst not buying that friend’s one DC more than a selection box all year - and then cries when the friend suggests scaling back the present WITHOUT realising they are being a totally cheeky fucker and manipulative to boot. Your friend might be lovely in other ways, but she’s being a cow here and she must know that, at least on some level, but doesn’t care about how it hurts your feelings.

If you want to extricate yourself gently, I suggest sending a similar wish list for your DC with the note ‘I know you were keen to keep up with the spendy gifts, so here’s my DC’s list - obviously it’s a bit different buying for one than 4 though haha! But I actually thought your idea of a selection box last year was a really good one, so if you’d rather stick with that it’s no problem just say, and don’t forget to let me know whether your kids would prefer the Cadbury or Nestle one’. She can’t really argue then can she - if she wants pricier gifts for her DC she should respond in kind, if she wants to send a selection box she should expect a similar level of gift back.

I’ve had the conversation with my close friends before ‘are we doing gifts for just each other, or just the kids, or shall we all try to have a nice meal out together in place of presents?’

If she is such a lovely person I can’t see why you can’t just gently tell her that you feel resentful. Remind her that she forgot your DC’s birthday again and that it is hurtful for her to say that you buying sweets for her children at Christmas is not acceptable when she sent your DC a selection box last year.

Either she will be horrified at her lack of awareness or she won’t. If it is the latter she’s not the lovely friend you think she is anyway.

If you leave it the resentment will ruin the friendship anyway. If you are sure she won’t react well to being told then it isn’t a balanced friendship because you can’t be honest with her about how she makes you feel. The only chance to save your friendship is to tell her.

I have 6 kids myself and never expect friends or even family to go all out let alone provide a list of suggestions or demands.

Maybe just say that going forward you’d like to exchange token gifts for all of your children, maybe set a budget that she spends £10 on yours and you’ll spend ‘up to’ £10 on hers if your happy with that .

Alternatively, suggest a budget it £15 both ways and you will do a ‘shared gift’ for hers.

id be honest and say what you’ve said here, that you feel it’s unfair or one sided and you just can’t afford it going forward (even if you can)

It’s time to stop this i think.
You just need to tell your friend you’ll be getting a family Christmas present for them all to share.
Like a board game or a box of chocolates.
For birthdays send a card.
Shes forgetting your kid so it’s not unreasonable so now is the time to set boundaries.

It is not your responsibility to buy presents because her kids don’t have any grandparents. Mine don’t have grandparents now but I would never expect others to compensate.

I’m sorry but clearly she doesn’t care much for your feelings. She forgets your child’s birthday and sends lists of her kids requests! You need to pull her up on that one.

Wonder if you'll ever see her again when you stop buying anything other than a token gesture of sweets? 4 x birthday, Christmas, 5 x reminder/gift list. I'm reckoning you see her 10 x a year at most and always around birthday/Christmas times. The way she's behaving I wonder if she even likes you or is solely using you as a cash cow. Guess you'll soon find out.

I'm sorry to say she sounds more like an advantage taker than a friend - how can she seriously expect you to spend so much money on her children when she does not make any effort to reciprocate ! She is clearly emotionally manipulating you when she says her children will get upset - for all you know she could be selling the presents on Ebay !!

Wow, she’s a grabby twat. Why on earth did you not point out she failed to do anything for your child’s birthday and sent sweets for Christmas?!

I think you need to find your voice and tell her the truth - its shameful that she forgets or doesn't treat your one child while you spoil her four!

I can see you’re defending her, OP, but she is really, truly taking horrible advantage of your generosity here. And you don’t event have the courage to tell her she completely missed even a card for your child’s birthday.

Time to stop the gifts.

Please don’t fall for the emotional blackmail. Who on earth bursts into tears because their four well-off children won’t get extra stuff?!

I can’t believe she doesn’t remember your DCs birthday but expects presents for hers! I don’t know how you kept quiet about that when she got upset. If you really don’t feel you can challenge her on this then you just need to play her at her own game, give her a list of things your DD would like for Christmas and a few weeks before her next birthday and say she’ll be disappointed if she just gets sweets or chocolate. If you think that’s rude and feel uncomfortable doing that then ask yourself why you put up with it in reverse?

I'm not picking on you particularly but a significant minority of posters have said this. It's irrelevant to the issue of Christmas gifts. OP doesn't exist to prop up someone else's failing marriage so they don't have to face reality and do something about it.

I had a similar situation with a friend who has 3 daughters, 2 of which have birthdays around Christmas. Every year I would rock up with a bag of 5 presents - 3 christmas presents and then 2 birthday presents each costing £20-£30 each. The bag would be gratefully received and I would get a nice thank you from the girls, however my daughter would get something of around the £10 value and there was really not much difference in our family income. I finally stopped the year my friend showed up with a paperbook from those book stalls that used to come to your offices - Usborne? and it was the same one she had got her the year before which cost around £7.

That was the end of that!