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Original poster

Endless present buying for friend’s DC

530 replies

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:22

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

OP posts:

Princessfluffy · 11/10/2023 12:03

OP you say that you don't want to hurt her feelings.

Do you think she cares about YOUR feelings though? Has she apologised for her totally OTT reaction on the phone? It may have been an understandable reaction given her loss but it's still unreasonable to dump this on you and not to apologise upon reflection.

Resentment builds when one or both people feel that their friendship is out of balance. If you really value the friendship I think that you owe it to yourself and to your friend to be honest and open about what is going on here and about how it makes you feel.

Thedm · 11/10/2023 12:04

Often when people have suffered a trauma at a younger age, as she did with the loss of her parent’s, they can get stuck in the idea that they are the centre of attention and things for them are the important part of life, whereas things for other people are just extra of you remember. It’s an easy trap to get stuck in, and she is so used to you being there and supporting her, she will simply
expect that support to extend to her children. Your friendship has never been totally equal, she won’t have supported you in the same way. It’s just the nature of the beast with trauma, she won’t have meant it to be like that. But it is like that, and you’re going to have to point out the difference in attitude before you start get to more annoyed and before your child notices the different treatment.
She will be very self focussed, and she’ll be very focussed on making sure her children don’t have an upsetting time like she did in her younger years, and it is making her blind to how she is treating you. Just talk to her, point it out and tell her (do not ask) that you won’t be doing it anymore.

SlightlyJaded · 11/10/2023 12:04

Your friend needs to reframe her situation.

I am an only child of an only child. No Grandparents, No Aunts, No Uncles, No Cousins - nothing. Me, mum and dad. When they died, my 2 x DC were in a similar boat that I had been. A few more relatives than me but none of my side at all and just a couple on DH side.

When they were small I 'compensated' for this by buying a bit more than some of their friends at Christmas as all their presents would be from us (still the same now) and these would also include presents from Santa / DDog / Christmas Elf etc. Anything from anyone else was rare and a bonus.

If that is the shape of your family, then that is the nature of gifting at Christmas. I am sometimes quite sad for my DC that they don't get. 'Christmas Money from granny' or whatever, but I got nothing like that, and I don't remember being anything other than excited at Christmas.

Please be straight with your friend. You've had some suggestions for what to say, but I would temper any conversation with a chat around her feelings of panic at the lack of 'family' giving. I do understand her this, but it is not your hole to fill.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Families General shopping

Redpaisley · 11/10/2023 12:09

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:22

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

Why didnt you say that you felt hurt she forgot your dc's birthday 2 years in a row.

If she cannot bother to remember one child's birthdays, how can she expect you to make a priority to remember and plan gifts for her 4 children? The friendship seems unequal. Does she think her children are more special than yours?

Tickboxexercise · 11/10/2023 12:11

To me this sounds like someone being financially abused, and the only way she can ‘give’ her kids the gifts she wants to give them is for you to buy them. It sounds sad to me. Why else would she burst into tears? I can see someone being miffed if this was a regular CF, but the crying makes it sound like there is more going on than meets the eye

Catmuffin · 11/10/2023 12:12

Just say that you didn't think you were doing presents as she never gets your dc Christmas and birthday presents. Or send her a list for your dc every time

PuppyMonkey · 11/10/2023 12:13

Good friends for 30 years - but you pussyfoot around her like she’s a casual acquaintance?

Purplepinkfairy · 11/10/2023 12:17

Please stop buying expensive gifts. You are being used.send a text saying you have had time to think and unfortunately you can't continue buying gifts especially with the cost of living. You understand kids may be upset but am sure they will ve happy with shatter gifts she buys them.

MrsSucculent · 11/10/2023 12:22

I imagine you get the point by now but you’re a mug. Stop being a mug.

SamPoodle123 · 11/10/2023 12:29

I would just buy whatever gifts you want....gift is for giving...not demanding. You choose what you want to give. They do not choose for you.

6Claire · 11/10/2023 12:29

What a joke! She’s pure taking the pi**, talk about crying and applying the guilt trip on you. I’d tell her what she’s got for your DC and what you’ve spent and got her DCs! Might make her realise the rudeness!

IheartNiles · 11/10/2023 12:30

Dear friend. The issue is I’m spending £200+ on £30 each time presents for your children through the year, which I can no longer afford. You missed my daughters birthday on the last two occasions and bought her a selection box for Christmas. I thought it might come as a relief to you that we both stop the obligation to buy expensive gifts.

Rosieposy89 · 11/10/2023 12:31

Tbh, I would stick to your plan of a small gift and not discuss further.

Goldbar · 11/10/2023 12:32

If you want to be nice, maybe send something like this:

"Hi X, it's lovely to hear that the kids appreciate their presents from me so much. Unfortunately, with the cost of living and other things we're having to cut back a bit, including on our own DC. I'd still like to get them something small that they'll enjoy opening - would it be possible for you to send a few gift ideas around the £5-10 per child mark and I'll also throw in a selection box or some pick n' mix to make it more exciting. Or if you think there's something they'd like as a joint gift? Garden rockets or similar?"

You don't need to spend £30 per child to get the kids something they'd like, especially for the younger ones. My DC waxes lyrical over the most amazing collection of low-priced multicoloured junk.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 11/10/2023 12:33

I stopped the present buying for my friends' kids as soon as they had two children each, as I only have one. Never mind four!

mn29 · 11/10/2023 12:33

Wow the entitlement! Especially given she has forgotten your child’s birthday and gave only a selection box for Christmas. Yanbu AT ALL, I would stop buying for her children and I hope you do.

martinisforeveryone · 11/10/2023 12:35

@Whenisone you say you’re good friends for 30 years plus, how much time do you spend together now as opposed to just messaging and you buying her various children gifts?

I just don’t know how to extricate myself without hurting her feelings

I’d meet up with her and calmly but firmly level with her. Nothing about cost of living issues, just that you don’t have the budget. I’d also explain that you never give to receive but that your child also gets upset at being forgotten or given something impersonal and all while you’re doing your best to please four others. End the conversation with you care about them all, but it really is the gesture or thought that counts now and unfortunately that’s the situation you’re in.

Friendship needs to work both ways.

Ifitaintgotnoswing · 11/10/2023 12:35

OP
why post at all. You’re just making excuses for the fact you are too much of a limp lettuce to stand up for yourself .
you had the perfect opportunity to say something but bottled it which to me is unfathomable.

tell her what to get for your dc and move on with your life

housethatbuiltme · 11/10/2023 12:41

Who the fuck sends gift lists of things to buy their kids to people?

My friends have never bought my kids gifts, I have never bought their kids gifts, me and my friends have lost our parents too which is nothing to do with anything.

I couldn't be friends with greedy entitled people. Like I wouldn't mind as much if I had a friend that did insist on buying my kids gifts (and then I would reciprocate within financial reason) but if they demanded gift (and then had the audacity to not even bother when the tables are turned)... fuck that.

EvergreenGoddess · 11/10/2023 12:41

This reminds me of my favourite CF'ery, massive sense of entitlement episode.

I once went out to celebrate a school mums birthday. We all bought her little presents about £10 each.

One woman bought her a patterned scarf. I actually know the local shop she bought it, so it was about £8. The birthday mum turned to her and said "this is nice, is it from Becksondergaard?" At the time, these scarves were about £80 each. I just couldn't get over that she thought someone would buy that for her. The woman went really red, and said "err, no sorry".

Some people have a massive sense of entitlement and are the first to forget everyone else's birthdays and Christmas.

Newestname002 · 11/10/2023 12:41

@Whenisone

My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

She's got the manipulation down to a T hasn't she? Starting with her sending you their present list - which you didn't ask for! 🌹

FrostieBoabby · 11/10/2023 12:45

She's an epic CF and manipulative with it. You won't be the only one they're bullying either,probably has a ton of so called friends spending a fortune on them.

If you really must, get them a small selection box each but I would be drawing a line under the present giving and if you lose her as a friend, she wasn't a real friend anyway.

Justwrong68 · 11/10/2023 12:45

I get angry when people presume I have money. Now I just say I'm living in deficit, do you know of any extra work going?

Newestname002 · 11/10/2023 12:47

@Whenisone

I just don’t know how to extricate myself without hurting her feelings.

She'll get over it OP - it really isn't the end of the world. Also regarding her forgetting to send your child a birthday present - she could have put an automated reminder on her smartphone to remind her a week or so before.. No need to rely purely on memory these days. 🌹

FunkyMonks · 11/10/2023 12:48

Perhaps they have some money issues op you say her DH has a well earned career perhaps on paper but in theory if she's not working and they have 4 children I bet there is perhaps some money issues that she's not wanting to discuss but that aside I do think it's beyond cheeky to expect both birthdays and Christmas gifts.

My best friend and myself have only ever agreed birthdays for our children and a budget of £20 each and that's fine we are both happy with that otherwise it can all get rather silly and expensive and cause arguments where there's no need for arguments.

I do think perhaps your better off saying either birthdays or Christmas going forward and a budget of whatever you are comfortable with given that you have to pay more than she does and maybe even send her ideas for your own DC see what she comes back with.

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