Endless present buying for friend’s DC

[Whenisone]

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

Oh for goodness sake , you’re being used and manipulated. Just message her , say you’ve thought further and you can’t afford to spend that much on her children this year.
Ask her to agree on an amount that each of you will spend on the others DC ( suggest £15-£20 total maybe ( you can buy something that they can share and she can buy your DC something of equal value ) and stick to it . If she doesn’t honour it this year then tell her that the arrangement obviously doesn’t work and stop completely.

If your daughter is old enough...tell your friend that from now on, your daughter will enjoy choosing small gifts for each of her 4 children. And obviously will be excited to get 4 small presents in return from her kids. Sorted.

'Df, I just wanted to follow up on our present conversation last night. I find this kind of conversation diffuse when you cried about how the kids love opening my gifts I agreed to carry on. What I didn't say was that my dc would also love that experience. I wasn't going to mention it however you've forgotten for the last few years so I just need to know how we should organise things going forward. I've thought of a few options, let me know which you'd like.
1- we drop to selection boxes/choc for presents
2- we set a budget per family per year. So I spend £100 on all your kids over the year. Eg £10-15 per child per event. And you spend £100 on my child over the course of the year.
It's become to much to spend £30x4 x2 a year when my child is left out.
I know this will upset you but I value our friendship and want to fix this issue before it builds and spoils us. Let me know which you'd prefer x'

For goodness sake, she is a good friend so just speak to her.

“Hi, I was thinking about our chat the other day and I’m sorry but I’m trying to cut back as things are getting tight and I can’t really manage the gift buying anymore. I thought it would be fair to just do selection boxes as that’s what you give to my child, and you’ve also missed my child’s last 2 birthdays. Life gets in the way sometimes; it’s really no problem but I think it’s easier and fairer to just do what you’ve been doing and go for selection boxes. Hope you understand; just trying to cut down and make things fair.”

Love this!

Do you send her a list for your DC?

Definitely not.

She burst into tears ?. I'd be highly suspicious of that sort of reaction from a grown adult. Perhaps she's not as "loaded" as you thought, or her husband is a tightwad, either way, that's not your problem. Send the sweets and let her have hysterics elsewhere.

So you are taking place of her DCs grandparents!
I would either quicky adopt 3 more children or just tell her how hurt you were that she has miss 2 of your DCs birthdays. Infact if this was me I would be so angry that my darling child has been slighted by this woman I couldnt talk to her again.
Oh and we have all lost someone. She has taken you for a fool sounds like for 30 years.

Do you feel like an honorary aunty/GP? Perhaps you could be clear you need to have cheaper options or you'll buy a family boardgame or something.

I would send this text to your "friend". Your friend is very manipulative with the bursting into tears and is totally taking advantage of your kindness. You are being treated like a mug. You say she'd be mortified if you brought up the lack of presents for your DC but no wonder she behaves this way because she knows she'll get away with it!! You need to be direct about it.

Hi Friend, our chat last night has been weighing heavily on my mind and I'm quite upset and confused over it.

This is very difficult and awkward for me to bring up, however I feel I need to be honest with you considering the way you reacted last night as you were so upset.

I have always bought birthday presents and Christmas presents for your 4 DC. While I was happy to do so, I was quite hurt when you didn't even remember my 1 DC's birthday last year. You forgot their birthday again just recently. Last Christmas, you gave my 1 DC a selection box. As a result, I am very confused at your reaction last night to me saying I will be buying sweets for your DC this year. It's the same as what you bought my DC last Christmas. I have already spent over £200 on birthday presents for your DC this year so I'm sure you can appreciate that it was quite hurtful and confusing to me that you reacted that way last night considering you didn't even get my DC anything for their birthday.

I value our friendship and that is why I'm bringing this up now as I don't want to let this issue simmer. I'll get the DC a selection box this year and will send a card for their birthdays in future.

Could you say ‘I am on a tight budget at the moment I have a maximum spend of xxx per child, but as the selection box you gave my DC last year was so well received perhaps we can reciprocate that this year?’

I think to be honest she is thoughtless and rude, there are many families out there who have no grandparents or external people that buy them gifts (mine included) - they get on with it. Her personal circumstances do not give her the right to be so entitled!!

I would mention that she has forgotten your DC’s birthday twice - let her be mortified! It might jolt her into thinking how unreasonable she is being!

I would not do this!

Me neither! If you want to keep the friendship, you really need to talk to her.

This. I don’t understand why you would not have said this in the first place.

You sound lovely but you do need to discuss this with her otherwise it's going to lead to huge resentment.

Can't you see how selfish and grabby she is being? You may think she's lovely but she's acting like a total arse and does need gently pulling up on it.

You wouldn't mention that she'd forgotten your child's birthday because it sounds grabby. But she's sending you lists and creeping the budget up without discussing it with you so she is being extremely grabby herself.

She can't possibly have forgotten that she hasn't bought your child a birthday present for two years when you've sent eight. Nobody is that forgetful, she must realise that she hasn't.

Anyone bursting into tears because someone has said they need to scale back presents is behaving extremely rudely and selfishly. It doesn't reflect well on her. At all.

I would be a bit more direct with her but if you feel like you can't or want to be more gentle then I'd send her a message saying something like:

"Dear friend,

I've been thinking about our conversation regarding the Christmas presents. I was a bit thrown at the time because you got upset but I've reflected on it and am a bit confused. I thought your idea of just getting each others' DC a selection box at Christmas was great and not doing birthday presents so wanted to follow your lead. With the cost of things going up I just can't afford 4 x bigger presents for every birthday and Christmas, I'm sure you understand what it's like. Let's do chocolate at Christmas and cards for birthdays going forwards."

If she complains after you've sent that then she is no friend and I'd get more blunt about her not reciprocating presents for your child.

Tell her it's too expensive and you're happy to provide tags for her to put on presents to her kids. That way they get external presents and you don't have to spend loads of money for no reason.

This is great and to the point.

You are being badly manipulated here OP. Loads of kids grow up without grandparents. It’s very sad, but it’s not your fault. And she seems to be projecting her needs onto you. If you stop buying her poor children will suffer as they have no grandparents. And crying is just so ridiculous.

You can’t afford it. And she doesn’t put any effort into your own child’s present…no birthday gift for two years and a selection box.

When the lists arrive just message straight back sorry we’ve just reevaluated all our finances and things are so tight we can’t afford any of this. It will be a token gift for the children which I’m sure they will love. And get four selection boxes. It was good enough for your child….

I don't have a lot of respect for women who cry to get their own way I'm afraid. I'm sorry though for her loss.
You said you didn't want to pull her up about forgetting your dc's birthday and that she just gave a selection box as it makes you sound grabby, but she is quite happy to do it to you?
My broke sister used to have this manipulative crap pulled on her, she used to "have to" spend up to £100 on a cousin's 4 dc, whilst her dc was gifted a tin of biscuits or a bottle of Lynx Africa.
You need to agree on a per family spend; find a figure you are both comfortable with and send each other lists staying within this figure. If she wants £80 spending on her dc then you send her suggestions for the same value. When you are on a budget every penny you spend on hers is a penny you don't get to spend on yours.

When in doubt... play the climate change card. "I've decided that I want to do my bit for the environment so I've decided to stop buying plastic. My policy is to only buy books, or give them a book token to spend."

£200 per year is a huge amount to spend on someone who is not a direct relative !

If you wish to continue presents, then choose your own cheaper presents or a shared present like a game or tins of chocolates. You do not need to buy from her list

Does your friend have access to money in her marriage ?

What a fool you are.
She is taking the p**s. That is no friend.

Why are her feelings more important than yours?

Dear friend,
I know you get emotional when we talk about gifts, so I want to send you a message instead.
I was trying to tell you in a gental way that I am finding presents expensive to buy.
Giving your 4 children 8 gifts a year is actually effecting my ability to gift my own single child.
I know that since the only gift you gave my child was a chocolate selection box last year, you must also be seeing the effects of the cost of living.
So I hope this 2 months pre Christmas notice is enough warning that going forward we just had over a tin of chocolates as a family gift...
Since your my best friend I know you will understand, maybe we can change things once this cost of living crisis is over.

This is the message you need to send - it's clear, reminds her of her 'forgetfulness' so she has no come back and is worded so it makes her seem like she was instigating smaller/no presents. It's perfect!