Endless present buying for friend’s DC

[Whenisone]

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

It’s not your responsibility to compensate for her having less relatives.

Send you daughter wish list today with two expensive toys on it -

Dear Taking the piss friend, Here are the two present that dd wants this Christmas, as you have 4 children its only fair that dd get two present to equal out the expense. TBH she was a bit disappointed with your effort last year so to save that happen this year its best you stick to these two present. kind regards mugged off

She’s quite, quite mad. And rude.

None of my friend groups are in the habit of buying for each others’ children - seriously, where would it end? You’d end up constantly buying stuff, and most parents I know are doing everything they can to avoid any more toys and clutter coming into the house.

OP if you are close enough that friend sends you lists and cries then you are close enough to tell her you simply can't afford the presents she is requesting. You are also close enough to point out that she rarely buys for yours and when she does she spends very little.

Come on OP. She's happy to ask and cry. You must be happy to talk about it too

Surely she must realise that you have been buying for all four of her children for birthdays and Christmas and she hasn't bought anything for your child? You say you don't want to bring her up on it as she will be mortified. I highly doubt that if she can just give your child a selection box for Xmas whilst you have given ALL four of her kids gifts. If you want to be a mug OP, here's one ☕️.

Present giving is not going to stop if you don't put your foot down. Are you going to continue spending for them until they're all adults?

This is so different to my own life’s problems I don’t know where to begin.

There is a weird lack of reciprocity in the gifts though.

Exactly. Just sit her down OP and say you value her friendship greatly and enjoy spending time with her kids, but you’re spending £200+ on her kids presents every year and it’s not sustainable. You cannot be expected to compensate for the lack of relatives. Particularly when there’s no reciprocity.

Her guilt tripping you by bursting into tears when you said you would buy them sweets is not something  a good friend would do -she has guilt tripped you and is immature
you need to have a conversation with her that she has forgotten your child on a few occasions
 Secondly, she should not be able to dictate who u buy presents for . She’s not financing u. She has too many children to buy for .
You could use the extra money buying yourself and your own DC
Kids are happy just opening anything , I would call her and say to her that you do care for her alot however her reaction was really upsetting and that you are no longer in the position to be able to buy gifts for four children  and that you will be buying them sweets as you suggested, but wrapping them so they can open them.  She’s become expectant of you to buy presents like it’s your job - rude 

I read your update OP. I think you need to be honest with your friend and explain you need to reign in your spending and your finding the cost of buying £20 to £30 gifts for 4 kids a lot. Personally I would be saying let's buy a book or sweet.

@Whenisone a mixture of these two suggestions would be ideal.

Clearly your friend hasn’t heard of a diary! She must at the time of receiving the more than 4 birthday presents, realise that she hadn’t bought anything for your DC. I would be mortified had that been me and be straight on the phone to apologise. It was a conscious decision to buy your child a selection box for Christmas. After all, she doesn’t have any other children’s presents to buy except her own, surely she could have asked you what your DC wanted? To paraphrase a PP, that you say “ I thought we were only doing sweets for Christmas and no more birthday presents”. This isn’t hurtful, it’s not accusing her of anything, she must surely realise. If she doesn’t and is putting the pressure on just say outright that you no longer wish to exchange gifts, you don’t need a reason.

I have a friend who is very entitled and has bought up her 3 children to be so too. I seldom get a thank you from any of them for gifts. This year my birthday present from her was over two months late and is something she has given me 3 times before (a tea strainer and mug). I will be telling her that we drop exchanging gifts going forward.

I'd actually send the cheeky fucker a bag of bbq coal as a family present then block. How downright rude and entitled.

Literally none of this changes the validity of the excellent responses you received before this update. Seriously, go and read them again.

@Whenisone no way is it grabby to gently remind her that she didn’t buy your DC a gift
It’s all in the tone of voice you use.
just mention Hun, I care about you, but you have forgotten to get my DC a present in the past so I did buy one on your behalf, but I dont want us to feel like we have to keep doing presents each year
I’m happy to buy them sweets and wrap them, so they have something to open
A good friend wouldn’t expect you to buy toys
kids love opening up presents no matter wats inside -it’s the paper they like ripping
them not having grandparents it’s nothing to do with you and not your responsibility to replace them
they’re not the only kids with no grandparents what about their Dad’s grandparents? Anyway again should not be a concern to you.

plenty of grandparents grandchildren, gift and again children don’t have grandparents

Honestly you are being a bit of a wet blanket (sorry). You either have to do something (and agreed, more nicely than many have suggested on here) or suck it up and stop dwelling on it.

It is perfectly acceptable in the current climate to say that you have to rein in expenditure a little (it would even be perfectly acceptable to just do this without mentioning it - you could easily halve your expenditure and most children would still be thrilled with such gifts) and it would certainly be totally reasonable to mention (kindly) that she has overlooked your child's special occasions (in fact if I were her, I would rather you did this quickly than let it build up into something really embarrassing and hard to recover from and you are better dealing with it before it becomes a point of genuine resentment such that you tackle it less pleasantly).

This. Your friend is outrageous and manipulative. Please stop indulging her, OP.

If she's a really good friend and she also values your friendship, she'll understand. Just be tactful and gentle about it, but clear.

It seems to me that you are resentful about the inequality of effort perhaps and the fact your friend has this very traumatic and painful history makes you feel embarrassed for feeling this way. But if you don't do something it will probably burst out and that could be far more destructive. It's hard to suggest anything without knowing the person or the history. Perhaps the way to couch it is in terms of time and effort more than money. Something like, I'm sorry I upset you yesterday and I didn't mean to bring up painful memories. Reiterate how much you care about her and the kids. Then maybe gently point out that as she has four kids that the amount of time and effort (and cost, but you don't need to mention this) from yourself is considerable and you've been happy to do this as it's brought you joy too. But now it's become such an expectation on your side, you couldn't help but feel a bit hurt when your own dc get overlooked and you can't help feeling like this. It's not about money, it's more about being thought about and you understand that with four children that she has a lot on her plate and it can be easy to forget things. But you can't help how you feel and so you were thinking if you both could find a way of toning down the presents etc a bit going forward, and concentrating on making things fun and less pressured for everyone and less of an expectation. It's something that would happen naturally as the children grow older anyway.

I do think you need some kind of chat really. Because otherwise you may gradually pull away from her without her knowing why and that would be worse for her. You can't really be a substitute for her parents. It sounds like you've been a terrific friend. But in that case, she needs to really recognise that and be that friend to you as well. I do feel sorry for her, it sounds very difficult and raw for her and it's more the idea of someone close than about grabbiness from what you say. But it's not really fair there's such an expectation on you without it being reciprocated. But if you never express anything of how it makes you feel, even in a very gentle small way, then resentment will grow and that is bad for both of you.

My (imaginary) kids would also be very upset if you don't start buying presents for them this year.

This here.

OP, you really do need to stop being a doormat here - this person is not a good friend if she (a) "forgets" your ONE child's birthday and (b) only sends that child a selection box, whilst annually sending you lists of gifts to buy for HER 4 children.

I'd recommend the response of the kind indicated above: "Hi Jane, I thought - because you've missed DC's birthday the past 2 years and only bought them a selection box last year - that we were scaling presents back now. So, I'll get yours a selection box for Xmas and just a card for birthdays - unless you think we should knock cards on the head too, as you didn't send DC one?"

Really - stop being a mug.

You can tell you you can't afford big gifts but are happy to still buy thoughtful small presents. If she has a problem then she's not a friend

Is she one of those “my kids are so important” whilst barely acknowledging other peoples kids? I had one of these. She scoffed as I left a lunch early to host my 12 year olds birthday event if it had been her child’s event that is of utmost importance and gravity!

Good text response.

When she sends the list tell her you will forward it to Santa...

Looooads of children don't have grandparents. I don't think it's traumatic for the child to not receive expensive external presents. This is more for her than the children.