Nursery’s comments about 3 year old’s lunchbox

[Fussyeating]

DS is 3 and he recently started at a new nursery. DH and I work FT so he attends 4 full days a week 8-6. He previously attended a different nursery who were great in ways but utterly useless in others so we decided to find a new one to cover this academic year.

The issue we have with this nursery is their attitude to food and fussy eating. DS has always been a fussy eater, even as a small infant when he first started weaning. I have no idea why, older DS is not fussy at all and will eat just about anything without complaint. We didn’t do anything differently when we weaned him, we still offer him all the same foods we eat on a daily basis but he often just won’t touch them. He won’t eat pieces of fruit at all, he actually never has. We followed BLW with both DC but DS2 just rejected any form of fruit or veg unless the veg was disguised within a meal. He’s still the same now, he will only eat vegetables if they’re very well disguised within a meal such as chilli, curry, pasta bake etc.

With regards to fruit intake, the only way we can get him to consume any fruit of any sort is within snacks such as innocent smoothie cartons, bear yo-yos and Nakd bars. I appreciate none of this is ideal, I obviously wish he’d just eat a bowl of berries or whatever like DC1 does but this is all we can get him to accept fruit wise.

The nursery offers one set meal a day with no other selection. Initially we thought we’d try DS with their hot meals and see if maybe it broadened his horizons, perhaps he’d try something new when he saw all of the other children there eating it. What actually happened was he went the full day between breakfast at 7am and dinner when he got home just after 6pm without eating anything at all. The nursery didn’t attempt to offer him anything outside of their set meal such as plain toast like his previous nursery would have, they just essentially let him starve.

Suffice to say, we switched him over to a lunchbox after this. The issue is, the nursery staff keep commenting on the contents within his lunchbox. When DH drops him off, they actually open the lunchbox and will remove certain items and pass them to DH saying DS can’t eat them. Examples are as I mentioned previously- innocent smoothie cartons, bear yo-yos and oat bars. These items are on a very small list of lunchbox style items DS will actually willingly eat. They have said they don’t mind if he brings more packets of crisps and extra sandwiches but they don’t want him to bring ‘high sugar’ foods. The weird thing is, they offer the children dessert with their meal every single day and it’s things such as profiteroles or cake and custard so to offer that but have an issue with something like an oat bar seems bonkers to me! He also often returns home with items like that uneaten and I know he would eat them so I’m gathering they’re intentionally not opening them for him.

I ended up sending a long ranting email yesterday because I was pretty furious that they keep restricting his already quite restrictive diet. When he’s there for 10 hours and there’s an 11 hour gap between the meals he has at home, we need to make sure he’s eating adequately and isn’t going hungry. I’ve already enquired at different nurseries, however I do know FT slots in the area we live in are rare so the chances of us sourcing alternative childcare are slim. I’m just looking for advice really, what’s the best course of action here? Also, if anyone has any tips regarding fussy eating, I’d fully appreciate those!

Why not just give two sandwiches for lunch without the high sugar extras’s?

I can't believe your son is there 8-6 and there is only one meal. In the same period at my sons nursery it's 3 meals (including breakfast, which may be a light second breakfast if he's already had some at home), morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, tea/dinner around 4.30.
They must be doing a tea/dinner as well, surely?
They sound really rigid and a bit rude in the way they've handled this. Good luck with sorting it!

We’ve tried probably just about every vegetable and fruit item that’s readily available in the UK at this point. I thought medjool dates, for example, would be a winner since they’re practically like sweets in taste but he spat it out as he does with pretty much everything.

He won’t eat peas or any other vegetable if he can see it on the fork but if it’s very well hidden within a sauce, he will eat it if that makes sense. We tend to get a hello fresh box to cover my working days so last night had their mushroom penne meal and he absolutely loved it, even ate the mushrooms. If he’d seen the mushrooms on the fork, however, forget it… Since it was hidden within a creamy sauce though, he was happy to consume them.

Could you send him with something such as a sausage in a roll, pasta with tuna, chicken breast and some bread? Basically nothing that comes in a wrapper.
My middle DC was like this, I have know idea why, the other two were are great eaters. He’s 25 and still won’t eat any fruit and veg, apart from ragu sauce.

Thank you for this, I will give it a go.

He won’t eat sausages. We don’t eat pork but tried with lots of different veggie alternatives and he isn’t interested at all. When it comes to chicken, he won’t eat it unless it’s chicken nuggets or chicken korma. He tends to only like protein and vegetables if they’re masked with some sort of sauce. I will be trying the meals I know he likes in a flask to see whether that works out.

I will also try adding two sandwiches rather than one. I’ve told DH to query whether they’re feeding him in the evening because you’re quite right, they are supposed to.

Can you get a little reusable pot for yoghurt and mix yoghurt with the smoothie fruit but try to make it thick enough to eat with a spoon? To get the fruit and yoghurt in one hit?

Additionally, talk to the nursery, ask them what they feel the solution is. If you have meals that work for him really well at home (but hot) can they heat them there so he can have them. Ask them what their breakfast, tea and snack provisions are. I believe it is a requirement for 3 meals and 2 snacks to be provided with the 10 hour stay there you mention.

Am alternative setting like a childminder would probably allow for you to give what you see fit in the packed lunch. I don't agree with what the nursery is doing at all

I know there are sugar guidelines for nurseries and schools but I don't see how they have a leg to stand on if they're serving up traditional puddings to some kids and confiscating eg smoothies (with a clear label stating they are one of their 5 a day!) from others?! It makes absolutely no sense.

Also, how do they deal with kids wit ASD who have food issues? Do they just leave them to go hungry, too?

I get that they need to stop certain things being sent in but you're hardly filling his lunchbox with skittles and cold happy meals!

Absolute batshittery.

The nursery can't feed children junk food, even if the parents send it in. They still have to have healthy food standards. Ofsted would mark them down if they saw children eating high-sugar packed lunches or if the nursery wasn't adhering to its healthy eating policy.

I understand having a fussy eater is hard but the sugar content of his lunch is extreme. A Nakd bar OR a petit filous OR a yoyo OR a smoothie would be more than enough for the treat/dessert element of lunch.
All that together is something like 50g of sugar which more than the daily limit for a grown adult, and about 3 times what a child should have in a day.

When my children went to nursery the packed lunch rule was only one treat a day, and anything else would be sent home.

I'd actually let him have the nursery meals and give him a couple of weeks to adjust and settle in - when he's hungry and sees all the other children eating he will probably start trying a wider range of things.
It's extremely common for fussy children who eat nothing but beige/snacks at home to eat much better at nursery because there isn't an alternative and there's much less emotion and anxiety around their eating.

You’ve had some great suggestions so far : have you had any help from paediatrician / hospital? One of my dc went to a community based “food is fun” 6 week course. Once a week, was amazing, they start just by holding plastic food and go from there. Other dc went to a feeding clinic at the hospital. Fussy eating is so stressful as a parent but we came out the other side once we got to age 8/9. We went GP=> hospital paediatrician => children’s hospital / dietitian/community paeds / council

in both dc cases the food issues were a red flag to other sensory and social communication issues.

and the nursery staff sound like absolute thickos pouring away an innocent smoothie because “sugar” and then serving up a processed crap sugary pudding for lunch. With their lack of critical thinking skills and lack flexibility I’d be seriously worried about leaving my child there generally. And as per pp, can you look into loving him.

My Mum is a primary school teacher and I told her about this situation last night. She told me she has witnessed more than one child turning up with exactly that in their lunchbox, a cold happy meal… Also things like cold beans on toast and a take out from the night before is pretty common.

I’d understand their perspective far more if I did this or, as you say, a bag of skittles or chocolate bar.

Op, I too have a fussy eater. My ds has autism and struggles with different textures. I provide a ham sandwich (he only eats one type of ham from one particular shop, other than jam no other fillings) breadsticks, and veg sticks (often never eaten) my dc will eat fruit luckily, but if he didn’t then I would provide what I could. I give raisins and oat bars for my dc as a pudding as yes some may be high sugar but oats can be a good protein source which my dc lacks. Luckily I’ve never had issues from doing this, but in my eyes an oat bar is healthier than a chocolate bar.
Also I do agree with you about the puddings offered in school, sometimes cake and custard, I bet there’s less sugar in the oat bar!
Try your best is all you can do.
Do talk to the nursery manager, I’d be very cross if nursery were removing the foods I had provided when my dc struggles with food textures anyway. I think it’s for the parent to decide, and you are obviously thinking it through to provide as healthy pack lunch as you can for your dc.

I know DS pretty well at this stage after parenting him for just over 3 years and I know, as on the day he did have nursery food, he would rather starve than eat something not deemed acceptable in his mind. It was hugely distressing to see him return home that ravenous as a tiny toddler, I just found it heartbreaking tbh. If I didn’t feed him anything at all between 7 am and 6pm, I’m pretty sure that would be child neglect yet the nursery did this.

I had a fussy eater very like yours, OP. He absolutely proved that the idea that no child will allow himself to starve is nonsense. He would absolutely refuse to eat if he wasn't actually hungry, and hunger would not force him to eat a food he didn't like.

In the end, I got a really good food flask and sent in hot lunches every day. There was a rotation of maybe 4 or 5 things he actually liked. He didn't like fruit, so I stopped giving him any until he was much older. He is 15 now, and eats almost anything, but still isn't particularly interested in food.

The nursery did feed him though. He wouldn't rather starve - he just didn't eat his lunch one day, on his first day of nursery. Pretty normal.
This is what I mean about emotion and anxiety though - children realise that their eating causes huge amounts of stress at home whereas at nursery it doesn't, so they are more likely to try new things there.

@Bbq1 not sure it would do much for me either tbf

I haven’t sought any help as such other than mentioning it to the HV the second time I ever saw her at his 2 year review. Haven’t had any input from the HV team at all because he was born bang in the middle of lockdown so literally only met her twice. She essentially said the fact he was willing to eat some nutritional meals was promising because many children will only eat 1-2 food items such as chips or pizza and nothing else.

The fact DS does eat nutritional meals in the evening gives me hope he’s ok health wise, just need to work on him accepting a piece of fruit or veg sticks for example.

Oh, I completely forgot about the Perpetual Apple. Nursery got snippy about there being no fruit, so I just put the same apple in his box every day, until it looked batters when it was replaced. One time the apple lasted a whole term! He knew that we didn't care if he ate it or not, and to be fair he wouldn't have even if we did care.

Once he was 4, he started to tolerate the occasional banana muffin, but we considered that huge progress at the time. His 3 brothers would have eaten me if I stood still for long enough!

I wouldn’t say we stress about it. We followed BLW so a rather relaxed approach. I’ve never sat down at the table and tried to force feed him. We just plate up the food and stick it in front of him as we do with DC1 and hope for the best. I don’t sit staring at him or make out like it’s a big deal if he doesn’t eat it. He usually does eat his evening meals but I obviously know what he definitely wouldn’t touch so I don’t often make a meal like that. I know he will eat foods with nutritional value if they’re hidden within a sauce so tend to stick to that.

This is amusing. I was very passive aggressive today and made sure I added a banana, some blueberries and I also chopped up pepper, carrot and cucumber sticks knowing full well he won’t touch any of it just to make a point.

This ridiculous demonising of sugar has to stop!

So many places wrongly believe that artificial sweeteners are perfectly fine compared to refined sugar. What a bunch of sanctimonious idiots.

I’m sick (!) of accidentally finding previously ok foods now contain artificial sweeteners which make me violently ill. It’s a pain in the arse having to read every label on every container, just in case they’ve joined in the sugar free bandwagon.

I’m certain that eventually it will come out that artificial sweeteners are extremely bad for your health (likely carcinogenic), but in the meantime let’s pretend that we’re only thinking of the children and obesity rates. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Have you tried any of the stuff he will eat cold/dry?

My son is autistic and his lunch boxes are an oddity- he will have bread and butter wrapped up then a box of beans to eat cold, the cereal you mentioned he would take and eat dry.

He often has leftovers- so he will happily take last nights spag Bol or beef stew for example, cold with a slice of bread and butter.

Fruit wise- you can hide it quite easily in a curry, they are often quite sweet anyway.

As far as nursery not giving him things… I’d just keep bringing it up every time. And give food in a way it’s hard for them to confiscate, so chop up the yo-yo into little pieces and put it in with yogurt or something.

How about frittata or Spanish omlette?

Your worry about his eating comes through in your posts though - rather than he just didn't want to try his lunch one day at a new nursery, he is starving, neglected, ravenous, you're distressed etc It's very high emotions.