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Original poster

Annoyed by DH's 'nice' treat

193 replies

nothingevergoesright · 04/10/2023 17:47

Apologies as this is a rant and I know it's probably a problem lots of people would like to have.

DH has arranged for DD and me to go to the theatre tomorrow night. As the time draws closer, I find myself more and more angry about it.

I went to see a comedian last week with DH, and it was nice to do something together, but by the end of the night my back was killing me (and I had a migraine, something which I can feel starting again now).

Last week was a relatively short show, with no interval, tomorrow's is much longer with half an hour interval. We are sat at the front, and I walk with crutches, so dread trying to get up and queue for the loo or stretch my legs.

It's not something I want to see. When DH told me he'd booked it I assumed he was taking DD, but he doesn't want to see it (it's a show/comedy aimed at kids), so thought it would be nice for DD and me.

DD doesn't really want to go, she's a teenager now and too cool for this kind of thing.

Luckily DH is off tomorrow, as if he was working I wouldn't be able to go, as the towns buses finish by that time and I refuse to use our local taxis (which are also exorbitant). I can't drive, but have a blue badge, so walking is out. It won't finish until after 10pm and 13yr old has school the next day.

DH is going abroad with his DS next week, to somewhere I wanted to go, but due to not having anyone to have DD for a few days, I had to pull out, so he asked his DS to go. They have an itinerary, including drinking at night and doing what they want, so I guess that he booked this for us as a consolation prize, which it's not, as I don't want to go.

I know I should be grateful, but I just wished he'd asked me before booking it. He goes at the weekend and will be working until just hours before, so tomorrow night was the last night with him before he went.

I feel bad ranting, but just wish he'd asked me, before choosing what I do and where I go, especially as it's not something he wants to do.

OP posts:
BasiliskStare · 05/10/2023 04:23

Honestly I would just say - lovely of you to do this but it really isn't anything either DD or I want to do. If you've known about it for a few days then perhaps you could have returned the tickets earlier, but you still may be able to or give them away to someone who would appreciate them

I think it is possible to say thank you - you thought you were doing something nice but it really isn't what either of us wanted so ( hint) next time perhaps ask. Perhaps expand on what in the name of all that's holy did he think either of you were going to enjoy about it ( you may choose to leave out the last bit )

But I am one who is not keen on surprises. A friend was thinking of getting his wife a parachute jump as a surprise present. I have made it clear to DH - I don't like surprises and if you ever book me a parachute jump or a hot air balloon ride I just won't go - don't care how much they cost & you need to check the kitchen knives are locked away before you were to do such a thing.

truthhurts23 · 05/10/2023 04:38

BarryTaylor · 04/10/2023 20:08

Yeah, but this is Mumsnet where, according to many, men simply cannot do anything right. Some of the replies here are nothing short of depressing. I'm just glad that my DW isn't as horribly ungrateful as most of the posters on here.

This place is the pits sometimes.

Show quote history

This place is the pits sometimes
and yet here you are ..
I hope you are taking notes, don’t buy your DW shitty comedy kid show tickets or she might be “ungrateful”
P.s women don’t have to be “grateful” for anything you do, they have the right to dislike gifts and gestures

Nagado · 05/10/2023 05:22

Hellaweirdhuh · 05/10/2023 03:40

Wow. So much aggression on this thread over so little.

Just don't go OP. But also please don't conclude that your DH is some kind of controlling, abusive asshole because he got something wrong.

You’ve completely missed the point.

Nobody is suggesting he’s controlling or abusive. Merely that his ‘treat’ is lazy, lacking in all thought, causes the OP extra work, ignores her medical conditions, shows how little he actually knows his daughter and is actually the very opposite of a treat, so the OP shouldn’t feel at all guilty by telling him that neither of them want to go.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

13 year olds
Oblomov23 · 05/10/2023 05:53

Why didn't you communicate earlier? "Thanks for the kind gesture of buying tickets, but I don't want to see that show"?

Hellaweirdhuh · 05/10/2023 06:04

Nagado · 05/10/2023 05:22

You’ve completely missed the point.

Nobody is suggesting he’s controlling or abusive. Merely that his ‘treat’ is lazy, lacking in all thought, causes the OP extra work, ignores her medical conditions, shows how little he actually knows his daughter and is actually the very opposite of a treat, so the OP shouldn’t feel at all guilty by telling him that neither of them want to go.

Show quote history

The below is on the 1st page.

"Crikey. Your DH booked this to assuage his guilt.
It's as plain as the nose on your face.

Why the hell would he book something without asking you?
It's so so controlling.

Do you not have money of your own or is he the only one with a credit card or something. This is all very weird.

Just don't bloody go. Stick up for yourself woman.

Your DD can't be arsed and she has school the next day. You can't be arsed either because it's a pain in the hole to go to blasted show.

Listen, men are almost always acting in their own best interests.

You are tying yourself up in knots to please DH.
You need to stop doing that"

CherryMaDeara · 05/10/2023 07:10

Even though it's something your wife and child don't actually want to go to?

It's only a nice 'treat' is it's something they want to do and would enjoy it, if not, at best it can only be a nice 'idea' unrealised.

It sounds like he felt bad that OP couldn't come on the holiday so tried to find something she could enjoy with her daughter to make up for the fact that he's going with his son instead, but unfortunately it's fell completely flat, because neither want to do what he's gone ahead and booked for them.

Yes @sandyhappypeople

He gets to go on a holiday HE chooses with WHO he chooses (his son)

And he sends his wife and daughter to a show neither of them want to see so he can feel better about himself. Even though his wife is on crutches and it will be awkward for her,

I think he knows perfectly well OP wouldn’t enjoy the show, but it’s all about him.

I can see why a pp thought he’s controlling, but at the very least he is spectacularly selfish and self-serving.

MetalFences · 05/10/2023 07:14

@BarryTaylor Why would she feel 'grateful' for something she didn't want? That's completely bizarre. She isn't grateful because she doesn't want to go to a children's show with a teenager. And you are inferring that makes her a bad person.

Just because she's had children doesn't mean she now sees going to children's entertainment performances is something she wants to do as a treat. It's no more of a treat than it would be to someone who has no children.

Catsmere · 05/10/2023 07:20

Neekoh · 04/10/2023 17:52

Why should you be grateful? Why on earth do you think you need to be grateful for something that neither you nor your daughter actually want to see and which will cause you great discomfort too?

Tell him politely but firmly that from now on you would appreciate him asking you before he books any more 'treats'. Otherwise it isn't actually nice, is it. Just thoughtless!

Exactly, couldn't agree more!

QuillBill · 05/10/2023 07:26

I'm just glad that my DW isn't as horribly ungrateful as most of the posters on here.

I don't understand your thinking at all here.

I would never deliberately get my husband something he wouldn't like for a present, because I actually like him.

I wouldn't consider him 'horribly ungrateful' if I got him tickets to something he would hate, like a kids show when he's a grown man, and he didn't want to go to a kids show. Why would he want to go to a children's concert?

BarryTaylor · 05/10/2023 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Spacehopperno1 · 05/10/2023 10:17

From Wiki:

“Some wives and daughters of fishermen were notoriously loud and foul-mouthed, as noted in the expression, To swear like a fishwife as they sold fish in the marketplace. Among the reasons for their outspokenness were that their wares were highly perishable and lost value if not sold quickly, and the similarity of their product to that of others selling the same thing, with volume of voice or colorful language drawing customer attention. Also, managing alone while their menfolk were away fishing for extended periods made them strong and self-sufficient.”

Fucking awesome.

BarryTaylor · 05/10/2023 10:21

Spacehopperno1 · 05/10/2023 10:17

From Wiki:

“Some wives and daughters of fishermen were notoriously loud and foul-mouthed, as noted in the expression, To swear like a fishwife as they sold fish in the marketplace. Among the reasons for their outspokenness were that their wares were highly perishable and lost value if not sold quickly, and the similarity of their product to that of others selling the same thing, with volume of voice or colorful language drawing customer attention. Also, managing alone while their menfolk were away fishing for extended periods made them strong and self-sufficient.”

Fucking awesome.

👏👏👏😂😂😂

BarryTaylor · 05/10/2023 10:22

Hellaweirdhuh · 05/10/2023 06:04

The below is on the 1st page.

"Crikey. Your DH booked this to assuage his guilt.
It's as plain as the nose on your face.

Why the hell would he book something without asking you?
It's so so controlling.

Do you not have money of your own or is he the only one with a credit card or something. This is all very weird.

Just don't bloody go. Stick up for yourself woman.

Your DD can't be arsed and she has school the next day. You can't be arsed either because it's a pain in the hole to go to blasted show.

Listen, men are almost always acting in their own best interests.

You are tying yourself up in knots to please DH.
You need to stop doing that"

Show quote history

Exactly. The pure hatred runs deep.

Spacehopperno1 · 05/10/2023 10:26

I posted on another thread about my bag smelling strongly of fish. I thought it was from a poorly wiped self service till in Lidl but thankfully this thread has cleared up the mystery.

BarryTaylor · 05/10/2023 10:28

Spacehopperno1 · 05/10/2023 10:26

I posted on another thread about my bag smelling strongly of fish. I thought it was from a poorly wiped self service till in Lidl but thankfully this thread has cleared up the mystery.

Always happy to help. 😘

ErrolTheDragon · 05/10/2023 10:39

Spacehopperno1 · 05/10/2023 10:17

From Wiki:

“Some wives and daughters of fishermen were notoriously loud and foul-mouthed, as noted in the expression, To swear like a fishwife as they sold fish in the marketplace. Among the reasons for their outspokenness were that their wares were highly perishable and lost value if not sold quickly, and the similarity of their product to that of others selling the same thing, with volume of voice or colorful language drawing customer attention. Also, managing alone while their menfolk were away fishing for extended periods made them strong and self-sufficient.”

Fucking awesome.

From which I think we may infer that anyone using 'fishwife' as a slur doesn't like strong, independent women, and would prefer them to be quiet and meek?Grin

BarryTaylor · 05/10/2023 10:47

ErrolTheDragon · 05/10/2023 10:39

From which I think we may infer that anyone using 'fishwife' as a slur doesn't like strong, independent women, and would prefer them to be quiet and meek?Grin

Show quote history

Not quite, but keep trying... 😘

ErrolTheDragon · 05/10/2023 10:50

Ah, the limitations of the written word. One person - wrongly - infers 'hatred'; another infers something else entirely.

BarryTaylor · 05/10/2023 10:55

ErrolTheDragon · 05/10/2023 10:50

Ah, the limitations of the written word. One person - wrongly - infers 'hatred'; another infers something else entirely.

Of course it's wrong in your eyes, because you're so blinded by it you can't recognise it. 😘

Spacehopperno1 · 05/10/2023 11:24

My DH is quite partial to a rollmop herring which is a good thing really because we’re on the east coast of Scotland. Things could have got a little awkward otherwise.

ErrolTheDragon · 05/10/2023 11:47

Spacehopperno1 · 05/10/2023 11:24

My DH is quite partial to a rollmop herring which is a good thing really because we’re on the east coast of Scotland. Things could have got a little awkward otherwise.

Hang on a mo, you mean you actually care about your DHs feelings?ShockGrin

asleep · 05/10/2023 12:04

Feel free not to hang out on Mumsnet @Barry, seeing as you hate it and women so much.

Spacehopperno1 · 05/10/2023 12:06

Well, he’s from down south, jellied eels and all that I could have musselled in and tried to broaden his horizons regardless but he doesn’t like to be mollycoddled. Need to be careful because we fishwives do tend to carp on a bit.

ErrolTheDragon · 05/10/2023 12:20

Spacehopperno1 · 05/10/2023 12:06

Well, he’s from down south, jellied eels and all that I could have musselled in and tried to broaden his horizons regardless but he doesn’t like to be mollycoddled. Need to be careful because we fishwives do tend to carp on a bit.

And not know their plaice.
The poor sole.

Spacehopperno1 · 05/10/2023 12:22

I know. He does tend to flounder if I’m a bit crabby.