Page 5 | Annoyed by DH's 'nice' treat

nothingevergoesright · 2023-10-04T16:47:45+00:00

Apologies as this is a rant and I know it's probably a problem lots of people would like to have. DH has arranged for DD and me to go to the theatre tomorrow night. As the time draws closer, I find myself more and more angry about it. I went to see a comedian last week with DH, and it was nice to do something together, but by the end of the night my back was killing me (and I had a migraine, something which I can feel starting again now). Last week was a relatively short show, with no interval, tomorrow's is much longer with half an hour interval. We are sat at the front, and I walk with crutches, so dread trying to get up and queue for the loo or stretch my legs. It's not something I want to see. When DH told me he'd booked it I assumed he was taking DD, but he doesn't want to see it (it's a show/comedy aimed at kids), so thought it would be nice for DD and me. DD doesn't really want to go, she's a teenager now and too cool for this kind of thing. Luckily DH is off tomorrow, as if he was working I wouldn't be able to go, as the towns buses finish by that time and I refuse to use our local taxis (which are also exorbitant). I can't drive, but have a blue badge, so walking is out. It won't finish until after 10pm and 13yr old has school the next day. DH is going abroad with his DS next week, to somewhere I wanted to go, but due to not having anyone to have DD for a few days, I had to pull out, so he asked his DS to go. They have an itinerary, including drinking at night and doing what they want, so I guess that he booked this for us as a consolation prize, which it's not, as I don't want to go. I know I should be grateful, but I just wished he'd asked me before booking it. He goes at the weekend and will be working until just hours before, so tomorrow night was the last night with him before he went. I feel bad ranting, but just wish he'd asked me, before choosing what I do and where I go, especially as it's not something he wants to do.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 04/10/2023 22:01

Don't go. call the theatre and ask them if they can resell the tickets. or sell them on local social media.

mathanxiety · 04/10/2023 22:03

He's a thoughtless twit.

Stay home.

MermaidMummy06 · 04/10/2023 22:07

Tell him. Sell the tickets. Don't just go because he'll be annoyed. You have to stand up for yourself.

My DH has form for sh*t gifts, usually things he likes (so thinks I like). It hurts more that he's not put in the effort to know what I like, tbh.

A couple of years ago he bought me a skydiving gift certificate. Something I wanted to do 15 years ago. Now I've got neck problems & cba with that kind of thing anymore. I told him thanks but no thanks, rang up & cited my health issues & they refunded. I then bought something I actually wanted with the money. He was a bit crestfallen, but finally noticed I never used his gifts & started thinking about what I might like before just buying & expecting me to be grateful.

sandyhappypeople · 04/10/2023 22:08

You don't want to see it, end of, it sounds like the bad back and migraine wouldn't have held you back from enjoying going away with DH, so don't use that as a reason why you don't want to go to this thing.. just say thank you, but you don't fancy it and neither does DD.

If it was a kids thing, it would be more important to me that DD wanted to see it, as if she didn't I wouldn't make her go just to save DH feelings when he's done this off his own back with no indication that either of you would actually enjoy it, just tell him.

Spacehopperno1 · 04/10/2023 22:16

BarryTaylor · 04/10/2023 20:56

Have you considered the possibility that the DH wanted to treat his DW without the DW acting like an ungrateful twat?

It's obviously an alien concept to a lot on here that a man might try to do something nice for his wife but, believe me, it is entirely possible. 🙄

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This is why it’s really important that the OP tells her DH she doesn’t want to go. That way he’ll have a better idea as to what things would be more appropriate
to present as a surprise.

Nagado · 04/10/2023 22:19

BarryTaylor · 04/10/2023 21:29

No, because we don't have kids, unlike the OP. 🤦🏻‍♂️

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So it wouldn’t be a treat for your wife because you don’t have children? But you think it is a treat for the OP because she does have a child? And she’s acting like an ungrateful twat for not being grateful?

I don’t have children of my own so your thinking has intrigued me. Do us women lose all agency after we have children? Are we supposed to enjoy the tedious rubbish that children enjoy? Or is the OP supposed to be grateful because he did what dads are supposed to do and did something nice for his DD? I mean, not so nice that he wants to sit through it himself, or so thoughtful that he has an idea of what his DD would or wouldn’t enjoy, but hey, she’d have to be a twat not to be grateful for the boredom, the aching legs and the migraine, right? 🙄

BarryTaylor · 04/10/2023 22:26

Nagado · 04/10/2023 21:53

How is buying tickets for a show aimed at children, that he’s confirmed he wouldn’t want to sit through himself, a treat for his wife? What exactly is she supposed to be grateful for? What aspect of the whole event is it she’s supposed to find enjoyable? Would you be grateful if your DW bought you a Barbie doll so you could play with your DD, because she thought it was boring? At best, he’s tried to do something nice for their DD, but this is very much a chore for the OP.

I’m well aware that lots of husbands do nice things for their wives. My husband is one of them. And that’s how I recognise the difference between a treat for me and the thoughtless chore he’s given her, that he doesn’t want to do himself.

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"What exactly is she supposed to be grateful for?" Good grief. Er, the fact that he's tried to do something thoughtful without it being thrown back in his face.

And it's a bit of a reach to compare going to watch a show aimed at kids with a parent to playing with a Barbie doll.

You sound horrendously ungrateful. Sympathies to your DH.

CherryMaDeara · 04/10/2023 22:29

BarryTaylor · 04/10/2023 22:26

"What exactly is she supposed to be grateful for?" Good grief. Er, the fact that he's tried to do something thoughtful without it being thrown back in his face.

And it's a bit of a reach to compare going to watch a show aimed at kids with a parent to playing with a Barbie doll.

You sound horrendously ungrateful. Sympathies to your DH.

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How is it thoughtful when he’s admitted he doesn’t want to see the show because it’s for kids?

Do you think women have more of a tolerance for watching kids’s stuff? Because we don’t. He could have taken his dd himself but doesn’t want to.

BarryTaylor · 04/10/2023 22:31

Nagado · 04/10/2023 22:19

So it wouldn’t be a treat for your wife because you don’t have children? But you think it is a treat for the OP because she does have a child? And she’s acting like an ungrateful twat for not being grateful?

I don’t have children of my own so your thinking has intrigued me. Do us women lose all agency after we have children? Are we supposed to enjoy the tedious rubbish that children enjoy? Or is the OP supposed to be grateful because he did what dads are supposed to do and did something nice for his DD? I mean, not so nice that he wants to sit through it himself, or so thoughtful that he has an idea of what his DD would or wouldn’t enjoy, but hey, she’d have to be a twat not to be grateful for the boredom, the aching legs and the migraine, right? 🙄

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If we did have children I'd think it would be a nice treat for my wife and kids to go to together. But, hey, keep playing Bash The Man. Pathetic.

BarryTaylor · 04/10/2023 22:35

CherryMaDeara · 04/10/2023 22:29

How is it thoughtful when he’s admitted he doesn’t want to see the show because it’s for kids?

Do you think women have more of a tolerance for watching kids’s stuff? Because we don’t. He could have taken his dd himself but doesn’t want to.

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So, you believe you can speak for every woman on the planet? Narcissistic much?

The OP has clearly stated that he thought it would be nice for DD and her.

ErrolTheDragon · 04/10/2023 22:42

The OP has clearly stated that he thought it would be nice for DD and her.

Doesn't sound like he thought very hard though, does it?

Spacehopperno1 · 04/10/2023 22:49

Well, he got it wrong, didn’t he, so it would be of great benefit to his decision making powers for the OP to tell him neither she or their DD wanted to go.

BarryTaylor · 04/10/2023 22:51

ErrolTheDragon · 04/10/2023 22:42

The OP has clearly stated that he thought it would be nice for DD and her.

Doesn't sound like he thought very hard though, does it?

Seriously, living with such deep rooted hatred can't be good for your mental wellbeing. And while I find it strangely amusing (borderline funny), it must be incredibly tiresome.

ErrolTheDragon · 04/10/2023 23:07

Seriously, living with such deep rooted hatred can't be good for your mental wellbeing. And while I find it strangely amusing (borderline funny), it must be incredibly tiresome.
hate? Seriously? You really can't read people if that's what you think.

No, it's more that I know what constitutes nice and thoughtful, I've got a DH who'd have had more nous and better judgement.

Nagado · 04/10/2023 23:15

BarryTaylor · 04/10/2023 22:31

If we did have children I'd think it would be a nice treat for my wife and kids to go to together. But, hey, keep playing Bash The Man. Pathetic.

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Yes, it’s becoming quite apparent that you might think it was a treat for your wife to sit through something you wouldn’t want to sit through yourself. And maybe your wife would agree with you. But not all of us have a bar set that low. It’s not a game of ‘bash the man’. It’s a case of not pretending to be impressed or overjoyed at the bare minimum of effort, or pretending to be grateful because the lack of thought has caused extra work.

What exactly is she supposed to be grateful for?" Good grief. Er, the fact that he's tried to do something thoughtful without it being thrown back in his face. The OP hasn’t thrown anything back in her DH’s face but please be more specific. How was this thoughtful? Is she supposed to be grateful because he has tried to be a nice dad? Because that’s a basic. He doesn’t get bonus points for that, any more than she gets bonus points for being a nice mum. Or should she be grateful because he’s volunteered the OP’s time to do something he doesn’t want to do himself?

And it's a bit of a reach to compare going to watch a show aimed at kids with a parent to playing with a Barbie doll.. Not at all. Both are aimed at children. Neither would be of any interest to an adult and the adult would only be engaging with it in order to make the child happy. I wouldn’t expect an adult to be grateful for tickets to a children’s show any more than I’d expect them to be grateful for a doll. Neither gift would be for the adult recipient’s benefit and neither gift would deserve gratitude.

You sound horrendously ungrateful. Sympathies to your DH I have nothing to be ungrateful about because my DH doesn’t expect me to be grateful for presents he’s bought other people and he doesn’t volunteer my time for things I wouldn’t enjoy without checking with me first. But I shall pass your sympathies on, even though I’m fairly sure he’ll just laugh and shake his head.

I suspect you won’t be able to resist arguing and I can’t be bothered. There’s a saying about wrestling with a pig that springs to mind, but I’m tired and can’t quite recall the specifics. So please, have the last word on me. 🙂

BarryTaylor · 04/10/2023 23:28

Nagado · 04/10/2023 23:15

Yes, it’s becoming quite apparent that you might think it was a treat for your wife to sit through something you wouldn’t want to sit through yourself. And maybe your wife would agree with you. But not all of us have a bar set that low. It’s not a game of ‘bash the man’. It’s a case of not pretending to be impressed or overjoyed at the bare minimum of effort, or pretending to be grateful because the lack of thought has caused extra work.

What exactly is she supposed to be grateful for?" Good grief. Er, the fact that he's tried to do something thoughtful without it being thrown back in his face. The OP hasn’t thrown anything back in her DH’s face but please be more specific. How was this thoughtful? Is she supposed to be grateful because he has tried to be a nice dad? Because that’s a basic. He doesn’t get bonus points for that, any more than she gets bonus points for being a nice mum. Or should she be grateful because he’s volunteered the OP’s time to do something he doesn’t want to do himself?

And it's a bit of a reach to compare going to watch a show aimed at kids with a parent to playing with a Barbie doll.. Not at all. Both are aimed at children. Neither would be of any interest to an adult and the adult would only be engaging with it in order to make the child happy. I wouldn’t expect an adult to be grateful for tickets to a children’s show any more than I’d expect them to be grateful for a doll. Neither gift would be for the adult recipient’s benefit and neither gift would deserve gratitude.

You sound horrendously ungrateful. Sympathies to your DH I have nothing to be ungrateful about because my DH doesn’t expect me to be grateful for presents he’s bought other people and he doesn’t volunteer my time for things I wouldn’t enjoy without checking with me first. But I shall pass your sympathies on, even though I’m fairly sure he’ll just laugh and shake his head.

I suspect you won’t be able to resist arguing and I can’t be bothered. There’s a saying about wrestling with a pig that springs to mind, but I’m tired and can’t quite recall the specifics. So please, have the last word on me. 🙂

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Well, in a final attempt to help you understand I'll put it in simple terms for you. If my DW did such a thing for me and my hypothetical kids I would accept it with good grace and gratitude without kicking up a stink. If you're still non the wiser let me know and I'll try to explain it in a different language.

Sweet dreams.

Screamingabdabz · 04/10/2023 23:28

BarryTaylor · 04/10/2023 22:31

If we did have children I'd think it would be a nice treat for my wife and kids to go to together. But, hey, keep playing Bash The Man. Pathetic.

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Nah mate. I think it’s bash the dimwit who thinks in simplistic categories like “nice” (his definition only counts) and “wife and kids go together as one homogenous lump because I don’t believe women have minds of their own”

And “bash the man” because all of the nuanced posts explaining why OP’s ‘man’ is an inconsiderate arse has completely passed you by.

Never mind Baz. You gave it your best mate, but I’m afraid the only one who looks pathetic here are men who try to belittle and patronise women.

(…And in case that one passes you by, I mean you.)

Spacehopperno1 · 04/10/2023 23:33

Barry, if you are still confused am sure we can find a way to help you, try not to get stressed.

Whalewatchers · 04/10/2023 23:40

BarryTaylor · 04/10/2023 22:35

So, you believe you can speak for every woman on the planet? Narcissistic much?

The OP has clearly stated that he thought it would be nice for DD and her.

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The problem is he didn't put any thought into it at all, otherwise he would have worked out it was unsuitable and unwanted. A thoughtless treat if ever there was one. And if you would have accepted a present that you didn't want, that could enflame your health problems, well bully you.

ErrolTheDragon · 04/10/2023 23:46

Accepting a gift you don't really want is one thing. Actually having to do something that is liable to be physically uncomfortable and a waste of time and be grateful for it is another!

Startrekkeruniverse · 04/10/2023 23:54

If you don’t want to go then don’t go. Offer the tickets on Facebook as a freebie to someone who wants them. I’m not sure why it’s causing such angst and misery?

I’m baffled at some of the posts on here. People basically saying the husband is a controlling arse because he had the sheer fucking audacity to buy his wife and daughter some surprise tickets. Lol. What a world we live in.

LAMPS1 · 04/10/2023 23:59

You are really not obliged to go OP.
Just be honest with him, firm but low key.
It really doesn’t matter if you don’t go.

‘Sorry DH, thanks all the same, but neither of us want to go and it wouldn’t be a treat at all, quite the opposite. Maybe just check with me next time you want to do something nice for us but we are both struggling to summon any enthusiasm whatsoever for this so we would much rather stay home/go to the cinema/order a takeaway instead and enjoy ourselves.’

sandyhappypeople · 05/10/2023 00:30

BarryTaylor · 04/10/2023 22:31

If we did have children I'd think it would be a nice treat for my wife and kids to go to together. But, hey, keep playing Bash The Man. Pathetic.

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If we did have children I'd think it would be a nice treat for my wife and kids to go to together.

Even though it's something your wife and child don't actually want to go to?

It's only a nice 'treat' is it's something they want to do and would enjoy it, if not, at best it can only be a nice 'idea' unrealised.

It sounds like he felt bad that OP couldn't come on the holiday so tried to find something she could enjoy with her daughter to make up for the fact that he's going with his son instead, but unfortunately it's fell completely flat, because neither want to do what he's gone ahead and booked for them.

It's hard to say if the intention behind it was nice and he thought they'd like it or just plain lazy (pulling something out of a hat 'that'll do' type thing), it seems more of the latter, but I'd never book something like that for my DD and expect my DH to take her unless I KNEW it's something they both wanted to go to.

Not sure why OP doesn't say anything though??

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/10/2023 03:32

BarryTaylor · 04/10/2023 22:31

If we did have children I'd think it would be a nice treat for my wife and kids to go to together. But, hey, keep playing Bash The Man. Pathetic.

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Pathetic? 😭 😭

At 13, op’s dd would probably be mortified to go to a show, which is too young for her in case she’s ‘seen’. The world is a very black and white place at this age.

Expecting a disabled woman to think going to a show, which will be difficult to navigate and cause her pain a treat for her? Goodness me. I am a disabled woman myself, who has similar issues in theatres and could have pain related issues costing hundreds in physio for weeks after.

It is ok to be clueless about the complexities of parenthood before having children and to be equally clueless about disability if not disabled. However, it’s always better to listen to those with lived experience - especially women, who tend to do the majority of child raising - rather than to define them.

Hellaweirdhuh · 05/10/2023 03:40

Wow. So much aggression on this thread over so little.

Just don't go OP. But also please don't conclude that your DH is some kind of controlling, abusive asshole because he got something wrong.

Annoyed by DH's 'nice' treat

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