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Original poster

Annoyed by DH's 'nice' treat

193 replies

nothingevergoesright · 04/10/2023 17:47

Apologies as this is a rant and I know it's probably a problem lots of people would like to have.

DH has arranged for DD and me to go to the theatre tomorrow night. As the time draws closer, I find myself more and more angry about it.

I went to see a comedian last week with DH, and it was nice to do something together, but by the end of the night my back was killing me (and I had a migraine, something which I can feel starting again now).

Last week was a relatively short show, with no interval, tomorrow's is much longer with half an hour interval. We are sat at the front, and I walk with crutches, so dread trying to get up and queue for the loo or stretch my legs.

It's not something I want to see. When DH told me he'd booked it I assumed he was taking DD, but he doesn't want to see it (it's a show/comedy aimed at kids), so thought it would be nice for DD and me.

DD doesn't really want to go, she's a teenager now and too cool for this kind of thing.

Luckily DH is off tomorrow, as if he was working I wouldn't be able to go, as the towns buses finish by that time and I refuse to use our local taxis (which are also exorbitant). I can't drive, but have a blue badge, so walking is out. It won't finish until after 10pm and 13yr old has school the next day.

DH is going abroad with his DS next week, to somewhere I wanted to go, but due to not having anyone to have DD for a few days, I had to pull out, so he asked his DS to go. They have an itinerary, including drinking at night and doing what they want, so I guess that he booked this for us as a consolation prize, which it's not, as I don't want to go.

I know I should be grateful, but I just wished he'd asked me before booking it. He goes at the weekend and will be working until just hours before, so tomorrow night was the last night with him before he went.

I feel bad ranting, but just wish he'd asked me, before choosing what I do and where I go, especially as it's not something he wants to do.

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 04/10/2023 19:08

ZolaBudd · 04/10/2023 19:01

So sitting on a plane is okay, but not in a theatre

People can sometimes put up with discomfort or pain for something they really want to do. That doesn't mean they need to put up with it to do something they absolutely don't want to, which serves no purpose except perpetuate the DHs delusion that he's done something 'nice',

1month · 04/10/2023 19:14

ZolaBudd · 04/10/2023 19:01

So sitting on a plane is okay, but not in a theatre

I think this has a lot more to with the holiday that she can’t go on, than the tickets to the theatre.

AutumnAuntie · 04/10/2023 19:15

Don’t go, when he asks why say neither you or your DD have ever wanted to go and leave it at that.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

13 year olds
Clarabell77 · 04/10/2023 19:16

If your DD doesn’t even want to go just sell or give the tickets away and don’t go.

FictionalCharacter · 04/10/2023 19:17

I assumed he was taking DD, but he doesn't want to see it (it's a show/comedy aimed at kids), so thought it would be nice for DD and me.

No, he didn’t think that. He thought DD would want to see it (but didn’t ask her and she doesn’t). He didn’t want to see it himself, so he thought he’d send you to take her instead. He gets to be Nice Dad without making any effort himself.

Give the tickets away and don’t let him put on an “I thought I was doing something nice for you” act.

EekGoesTheBaby · 04/10/2023 19:18

CheekyHobson · 04/10/2023 18:23

"Hey Bob, I really appreciate the gesture of buying DD and I tickets to go to that show but I have to be honest that she feels its a bit young for her and I'll find it a real physical strain to go. It would have been good for you to check with me first about it. I'd like to offer the tickets to Sally as I think she and her daughter might love it, but if there's someone else you'd like to offer them to, I'm happy for you to do so."

Job done, his feelings about his decision-making process are his to deal with from that point on.

This wording is perfect. Someone can get a lot of joy out of this nice surprise.

NumberTheory · 04/10/2023 19:18

If your DD doesn’t want to go I think you can reasonably just say to DH something along the lines of - “Love, it was kind of you to think of us, but you may have failed to notice DD has grown up a bit - I know, it happens in the blink of an eye. Neither of us want to see a play aimed at X year olds. So instead, you’re going to drive us to [Y thing that you and DD would actually enjoy, on a different date if necessary] and we’re going to have mother and daughter time we will really enjoy together.”

avocadonny · 04/10/2023 19:20

Oof I can smell lots of bitterness or maybe jealousy on this thread! Try to replace DH with someone like a friend of the same gender, and then reconsider the scenario. :)

I think it's nice of him to have bought OP and her DD (his stepdaughter?) a treat to spend time together.

I can understand that OP finds it difficult to tell him neither of them (OP and DD) want it. But if he really wanted you to have a good time, he would ultimately rather you were upfront rather than forced yourself to go!

user14699084660 · 04/10/2023 19:27

Check with DD that she doesn’t want to go.
Sell tickets cheaply, spend money on something else. Don't sit through something you’ve no interest in!

Spacehopperno1 · 04/10/2023 19:27

I’d be fucked off at the money wasted
and say to DH to not do it again. Ask if he can get a refund or give the tickets away to someone who would genuinely have a lovely evening.

ZolaBudd · 04/10/2023 19:29

Think the op needs to do some courses in communication

Original poster
nothingevergoesright · 04/10/2023 19:29

DD isn't a stepdaughter, she's our joint DD. We both have sons in their 30s. DSS lives 300 miles away and is coming up the night before they go.

I'm not really jealous of the holiday. It would have been nice, but DH was going to go alone, so I suggested that he take his DS instead. It probably would have been too much walking for me anyway.

He's definitely not taking another woman, as his DS is coming to ours the night before they go.

I will talk to DH when he gets home, thanks for the suggestions (and letting me rant).

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 04/10/2023 19:36

Shame DSS couldn't have looked after your dd and you go with dh.

Screamingabdabz · 04/10/2023 19:37

This is such a middle class thing - I’ll never understand it. the levels of angst and putting yourself through shit rather than just say ‘sorry mate, it was a nice idea but neither of us are really up for it.’

MariePaperRoses · 04/10/2023 19:40

Why would you go if neither you or your daughter want to see it?

If he bought home a bag of shit as a treat would you eat it?

Madness.

avocadonny · 04/10/2023 19:43

I didn't mean you were bitter/jealous, I mean those slating DH for his well-intentioned treat. My own parents used to buy me stuff I found too kiddy in my teens so it's a common mistake.

If he gets cross that OP doesn't like it (a bit huffy might be natural but I mean beyond that), then yes his intentions aren't pure and go ahead and slate him. But otherwise, it was a nice deed.

Battenbergcoconutice · 04/10/2023 19:45

Oh my lord! This thread does nothing for Mumsnet stereotypes! This comment plus whole thread reaks of misandry! So he tried to do something nice, fgs just tell him! Why do you need to rant to Mumsnet OP about what a shitty husband you have rather than just be honest and communicate with him?? All the women on here slagging him off clearly hate men... Can't the poor guy try to do something and just be told the truth without being alated by misandrists on mumsnet who are only going to whip you up more!

Spacehopperno1 · 04/10/2023 19:51

Apparently generalised about men is not ok (who did that?) but generalising about Mumsnet is? I didn’t see the OP say she had a shitty husband.

PuggyInTheMuddle · 04/10/2023 19:55

Tell him your back is killing you, he can go with dd - or if she has a friend who would go, 2 13 yos see the show?

Winnipeggy · 04/10/2023 19:56

If neither of you want to go, don't go.

ElleCapitaine · 04/10/2023 20:04

Would your DD want to go if she could take a friend instead of you? Your DH could take them there and home again? If not, sell. It’s one thing to be nice and polite and supportive, but quite a different thing when you’re actually, aside from not being interested in the show, making yourself sore and uncomfortable just to spare someone’s feelings.

babyproblems · 04/10/2023 20:05

Agree with all others, don’t go. Why do you feel obliged to go to something you don’t want to?! Just tell him it’s not ideal and neither party is interested in it. Thanks sorry! End of.

heartsinvisiblefury · 04/10/2023 20:06

RedHelenB · 04/10/2023 18:03

I'd go. You might enjoy it. And there will be a disabled loo so you shouldn't have to queue.

Really? You'd go to something you don't want to with someone who also doesn't want to? Really?

BarryTaylor · 04/10/2023 20:08

Battenbergcoconutice · 04/10/2023 19:45

Oh my lord! This thread does nothing for Mumsnet stereotypes! This comment plus whole thread reaks of misandry! So he tried to do something nice, fgs just tell him! Why do you need to rant to Mumsnet OP about what a shitty husband you have rather than just be honest and communicate with him?? All the women on here slagging him off clearly hate men... Can't the poor guy try to do something and just be told the truth without being alated by misandrists on mumsnet who are only going to whip you up more!

Yeah, but this is Mumsnet where, according to many, men simply cannot do anything right. Some of the replies here are nothing short of depressing. I'm just glad that my DW isn't as horribly ungrateful as most of the posters on here.

This place is the pits sometimes.

Shouldistayorshouldi · 04/10/2023 20:09

You’re acting like you’ve got no choice but to go. Stop the hand wringing and just give it a miss 🤷🏽‍♀️

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