Every fucking year

[Everyyear]

I have 6 kids 2 grand kids. I start Xmas shopping in July. I have managed 2 sort my 2 youngest kids . Will probably easy sort the grandkids .

But the older ones They are hell. When I ask them about Xmas all I get is "dun know" i explain to them I need some clues because I have to buy early due to money etc I still get "dun know"

It's same every year. I stress myself every year I know this yet I still do it ffs. And I wind myself up because I don't want to let them down.

I get my 20's boys things like T-shirts, either favourite band, or Marine Conservation Society or Rapanui for something non-branded. Maybe a hoody , usually a book, chocolate orange, slightly nicer than usual toiletries, maybe something like a charging pod or stand, maybe a nice mug. DS2 and I keep an eye out for Le Creuset stuff at discount prices for each other. DS1 likes fancy teas, and feels the cold, so in the past he's had a hand warmer, a heated blanket and a slanted. DS 2 wants some shot glasses. 2 of them like plants so I might follow that up.

See this might be where the difficulty lies. Reading this it sounds too transactional.
gifts = an element of the relationship being ‘right’

That is a lot of pressure for you and them. Get the gift giving wrong, and it feels like a slight against your bond with each other.

Imagine the gifts not really mattering, but everyone just loving getting together for the sake of the day and each other.

My eldest DCs are 26 & 22 and I couldn't just get them nothing either. However both work & still live at home (paying rent of course) and have far more disposable money than me at the moment. Although, of course they need to save for the day they do want to move out.

Both will also say "dunno" when you ask them what they want for Christmas (especially this early) or "nothing". I just get them a few things I know they'll like - even if it's boring things like pyjamas, slippers etc or jokey gifts. I spend maybe a third of what I might spend on my 12 year old on each of them, but they're more than happy with that. They don't expect me to spend what I spent when they were children & not working.

My Dds have partners now and we do a secret Santa for each couple with an £80 limit. It’s so much easier!

Both DDs have birthdays in December so they get something personal then.

I dread the text from my mother "what do you want for Christmas?". I'm 55, if I want something I buy it. I've suggested thing in the past to be met with a "no, that's not a present".

If I ask her for suggestions what she would like I get "peace and quiet". It's infuriating.

Give them a deadline for a decision otherwise it's cash.

Just ask for a list.

Just buy them gift vouchers then? some new pjs and some nice chocolate?

I always find lists help when I'm stressing about this sort of thing. So:

• a list of the gifts you buy every year e.g. pyjamas, chocolate, toiletries, a book
• a list of definite main presents, either chosen by the dc or you
• a backup list for the dc who haven't asked for anything. This is what they get if they don't ask before 30 November. It's FINE if the backup present is cash/vouchers.

Remember the goal is for everyone, including you, to have a lovely Christmas. Not to worry about finding the "perfect" present.

We don’t either, haven’t done for years but I realised I couldn’t include my own kids in that rule once they turned eighteen. I’ll be buying for them forever. 😁

I’d be chuffed to get a chocolate Santa and £20 from my mum.

They sound spoilt.

My favourite gifts are edible or drinkable. I don't think you can go wrong with indulgent food and drink at Christmas time - any of their favourte drinks, chocolates, sweets, jams, chutneys etc.. You could always created your own hamper with all of their favourite treats.

But if money is such a struggle, then you need to cut down or cut it out completely, or at least down to a very token level. Decent adults would be absolutely horrified if their DM was struggling and stressing for months to afford to buy gifts.

As well as that, I really don't want to be pestered to think up ideas for presents. If I have to come up with an idea it's not a present, it's just more mental load for me to deal with.

I've got 3 grandchildren and we buy for them or give them money. The rest of us - 8 adults do a Secret Santa which works really well. To be honest it got silly, spending a lot of money and not really knowing if people were happy with their gifts.

We don’t do presents for everyone any more we just do secret Santa between: my mum, my dad, my husband, me, brother and SIL. Budget is £40. So much easier when you’re all adults.

Can they not just do an Amazon wish list that you can access? I know that whenever my parents ask I can never think of anything at the time - often when I’m busy running around during the day I’ll often think of something I need, or would love to get. Your kids can then delete or add to their list during the year(s) and you can then access any time, any occasion, without having to ask them at all.

Honestly, just get them a voucher from M&S and some of their favourite chocolate. I was delighted the year I was given an M&S voucher by a relative. I spent it on wine. I doubt this was intended but it was what I wanted.

I agree, an M&S voucher is a great idea. We nearly always get one for Christmas and we usually go and buy party food and booze and some time between Christmas and NYE have that for dinner while watching Christmas films.

I really hate Christmas. I do my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve.

Pre Covid dh came to a compromise where he gets Christmas every other year The tree the lights the Christmas dinner and every other year on Christmas Day we drive to an airport and get on a plane

Last Holiday was Vegas and even dc were coming around to my way of doing Christmas

Just give them money

To give the other side of this, I just hate stuff. I don't like clutter, there is nothing that I need. I hate being asked what I want for Christmas. I was nothing at all. I also hate christmas shopping, and have begged my family for us to just stop presents, but they won't hear of it. They want me to get them stuff, and want to waste their time and money buying me stuff.

I now have a very strict policy with presents. If it isn't edible, then every single thing, even if I like it, goes straight to charity. Part of me feels bad that people waste so much money on me when I just donate it all the very next week, but it is the only way I have found to cope with the stress of it all. Knowing that no matter what I get handed I can just give it away somehow allows me to not get stressed out by the whole saga.

What a very weird thing to get annoyed at? My mum asks me around this time every year and I have yet to go NC because she's thoughtful enough to ask me what I would like instead of buying piles of shite

Not weird at all. It's more shit cluttering up our overloaded brains, more decisions to make, more unwanted crap destroying the planet.

Because people like that won't fucking listen when you say 'please don't buy me anything' or 'buy me X' if they've decided that X isn't a suitable present.

@Everyyear people on this thread are weird. You are perfectly to ask what they would like. I have started asking my DH and I'm getting don't know all the time. What he fails to realise is I have two pays left before Xmas and his big birthday coming up

@Needmorelego if anyone bought me socks for Xmas I would be really annoyed. Christmas Presents to me should be something you want not need like socks. How boring