In-laws came to meet our newborn without a gift

[Freyaz]

We had our second baby last week, our first is 3. The in-laws hadn’t asked while I was pregnant if there was anything we needed, they’d barely even mentioned the fact we were having another baby actually. They arrived to meet our newborn the other day and didn’t bring anything. They didn’t even bring our daughter anything either when almost everyone who had been to visit had brought her something too. It’s not about the presents and people have been far too generous but it was just the fact they hadn’t made any effort.

When I was telling my mum she asked if they’d brought flowers or something but they hadn’t, just showed up empty handed. If it was a financial thing I would understand it but they have plenty of money. It just felt like they hadn’t bothered when every other distant relative, friend etc had 🤔 Am I wrong in thinking they should have brought at least something?

I read the OP as if other visitors had brought presents for the new baby and at the same time something little for the sister. Not that nothing was given at the time the first child was born.

Good for them! Do you really need more stuff? The baby is half them, so I suppose they should get a present too, when you think about it like that.

My favourite comment here

also OP YABU

They might not even be grandparents OP just said in laws. Tight bastards!! Lol 😂.

No gifts here from parents or ILs!

I would never visit a mum and newborn without taking a gift. To be honest I wouldn’t expect them to bring anything for the elder child, it’s nice if people do but most won’t, but to not even bring a card or some flowers for the mother is a dick move.

Exactly this. I’ve just cast my mind back I don’t think my in laws did actually but I didn’t notice or care. It’s not important.

I think you’re being a little unforgiving here, it’s very possible they feel you have everything you need for a baby, especially if you’ve had another girl? 30 years ago clothes were handed round to every family member and back again, I wore clothes from my cousins that had been handed down to my sisters and then me.

OP the gifts often come thick and fast with a first baby and you get less with a second because you’ve already got everything. You’re lucky to have received several gifts from others. Kindly, your baby arriving safely is a wonderfully happy time for you but to everyone else it’s just another baby. I took DS to the local family gastro pub to meet some of my family which happened to be assembled there anyway for the usual Sunday meal at 4 days old. They all made the right noises and got on with their meals and wine (as did I. He was tucked away in the corner in his pram).
DPs mother never met him because she couldn’t be arsed and neither could we, DPs dad and aunt met him when he was about six months old . No gifts. Thank god because I’d filled the house up with clothes and toys and shit already! We didn’t need anything.
mid stop thinking about it, it’s normal and sensible not to buy arbitrary gifts people don’t need.

Oh dear oh dear. So never mind the hours of childcare and love that they will be giving your child in the future? Plastic tat is what's important?

It's a social convention which I guess the majority adhere to. But I wouldn't condemn people who didn't.
Time spent with loving family members far outweighs a crappy card or bunch of flowers.

@Cognitivedisonance

Nar, I still think a card to a woman who’s just given birth is the decent thing to do. They were the ones who came round the OPs house after all. They are not really entitled to do so therefore it’s good manners to bring a card and maybe a box of chocolates or something.

You'll be called grabby, greedy and entitled on here OP but in real life it's weird for grandparents turn up empty handed to meet a new grandchild. If they aren't short of money they are being very miserly.

Mumsnet is a funny old place sometimes. Do all the people saying YABU really go and visit a new baby without a card or little gift for the mum or baby? I wouldn't have expected presents from every visitor but can't think of one person who came empty handed without even a card or cheap bunch of flowers. I don't think you ABU but I wouldn't dwell on it. Hopefully they are generously with their time and affection towards their grandchildren instead.

You expect family to come bearing gifts?

Depends on conversions that preceded it, has your dp said that you have everything? Or eluded to you not needing things. It's certainly not required to bring a gift certainly

I wasn't expecting a fandango when ils got the dgd they had dreamed of after 6 dgs but when mil announced my gift was in the car I was more than a teeny weeny bit excited...
A frying pan people.. A Tefal fucking frying pan...
Wish she had come empty handed. If mn had been around then I would have needed alibi's for my new patio.

Yanbu op. It's the obvious lack of care for your family....

@CorylusAgain

I think it’s the thought that counts to be honest…. I just wouldn’t dream of going round to see a brand new baby without even a card, chocs, flowers, anything really!

When my third was born my mother in law came round with a wrapped plate of jacobs crackers and cheese that she had prepared whilst I was in labour at home (and they were very, very much appreciated).

Well I wouldn’t dream of it personally and I’ll always be buying a little something whenever I get the pleasure of meeting a new baby family or friends….

Gold, Frankincense or Myrrh be acceptable?

It's rude and socially unacceptable to visit new parents empty handed.

I'd look at it this way - your kids have got YOU. Thats all they need. If in-laws can't be arsed thats on them not you - but you're kids won't go without anything, ever, because you wont allow it.

Slightly unusual but how are they generally? If they're loving and engaged grandparents then this wouldn't bother me. I'm quite tired of getting more "stuff" for the sake of it. Maybe they assumed you had everything you needed?

My in laws overwhelm me with gifts for the children. I'm grateful, they're very kind and some of it is lovely but it's too much. A lot of it goes to charity. I find myself becoming quite tense before we meet them because I dread all the stuff we get. I'd be so relieved if they ever came empty handed!

They arrived to meet our newborn the other day ..... the fact they hadn’t made any effort.

Contradicted yourself there, they came to visit. Why are you comparing your visitors? Focus on what you can control, either invite them or not, that's your choice.

We used to get loads of people into the shop looking for something to bring a newborn. Sometimes they’d say they couldn’t decide and they’d just have to figure something else out. Could be the case that it came to it and they thought ‘we’ll buy x in the future’. I think you need to change your way of thinking, sometimes people send a present or the present is the big deal and they pay no attention to the child or come in for limited time etc. I’d always rather people than presents

It's unusual but it is not a necessity to bring a gift! Have they been positive about the children in general and have they congratulated you? That's the important thing.

Personally I'd rather not have the gifts! You end up with stuff that's not your taste, you already have or ends up as clutter.