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Original poster

In-laws came to meet our newborn without a gift

333 replies

Freyaz · 26/09/2023 13:46

We had our second baby last week, our first is 3. The in-laws hadn’t asked while I was pregnant if there was anything we needed, they’d barely even mentioned the fact we were having another baby actually. They arrived to meet our newborn the other day and didn’t bring anything. They didn’t even bring our daughter anything either when almost everyone who had been to visit had brought her something too. It’s not about the presents and people have been far too generous but it was just the fact they hadn’t made any effort.

When I was telling my mum she asked if they’d brought flowers or something but they hadn’t, just showed up empty handed. If it was a financial thing I would understand it but they have plenty of money. It just felt like they hadn’t bothered when every other distant relative, friend etc had 🤔 Am I wrong in thinking they should have brought at least something?

OP posts:
whatnot929 · 29/09/2023 15:09

Most of these replies are MAD OP, don't listen to the crazy. No youre not greedy or weird or insane for expecting it, its not odd to expect grandparents to care about a new grandchild, or any of the nonsense these comments contain. #

OF COURSE its the norm to bring presents when you visit a new baby in the family, even if its just a token gift, or flowers, or something. It's extremely odd to not do so, which I'm sure they are aware of as much as you and I are.

It is 100 % the social norm to bring something, anything in this situation. We al know that. Anyone who thinks its find to turn up with one arm the same length as the other is either high or extremely tight.

Willa6 · 29/09/2023 15:10

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 29/09/2023 13:00

@Santina i would have hated my MIL or my mother doing that.
It was my child, my first born. I wanted to buy them the first clothes, the bibs, the keepsakes.
If one if them had gone ‘all in’ like you did, I’d have felt they were robbing me of my own firsts.

That never ever stopped both sets if grand parents to be actively involved in my dcs lives. It has never stopped me having a really good relationship with my MIL (and my mum). They both bought stuff for my dcs, some of which they still lovingly keep.
But not a whole wardrobe!

Eh? My baby got through about five outfit changes a day. I remember hoping to be economical with their wardrobe at first and keep up my routines like keeping on top of my laundry and ironing. They quickly went out the window with my very refluxy, poopy baby and having a good amount of clothes was necessary. I got through so many vests, babygrows, bibs and muslins. Many got ruined with stains.

VeraMay · 29/09/2023 16:22

Tessasanderson · 29/09/2023 15:04

My parents have made little to no effort over the last 21 years with their GC. They have however sent me a few gifts of money over the years. A decent amount all told.

I would give every penny back to have them spend time with me and their grandchildren instead. Now that GM has passed and GF is too old its sad no relationship exits between them.

I would love to see my grandchildren. I have a box for cards and gifts, which will be given to them either if/when they choose to find me or when I die.

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Tessasanderson · 29/09/2023 16:31

VeraMay · 29/09/2023 16:22

I would love to see my grandchildren. I have a box for cards and gifts, which will be given to them either if/when they choose to find me or when I die.

Show quote history

That sounds very sad. I take it you are not allowed to see your GC. My parents chose not to make the effort. Both equally sad situations.

Mothership4two · 30/09/2023 06:44

That's great that your PIL's were able to help you out @RedAndWhiteCarnations but the fact they did that doesn't relate to the OP or many people TBH. It isn't an either or situation. My DM came to help out before and after my DS's birth and still gave him a gift. GP's giving gifts to GC is pretty standard - well, as I stated before, it is in my world and obviously in OP's too, but like you said not yours. Like many have said on this thread it is a social norm. Although they do it because they want to as well. I think the lack of a present stood out to the OP because it was following on from a general lack of interest from her PIL's. If she had helpful ones, like yours, I doubt it would have been an issue.

Disappointedsofa · 30/09/2023 07:30

Yes I feel like they should have brought something, even something small, but showing up with nothing I feel is disrespectful and stingy, I would feel the same OP

Bengalstripeycat · 30/09/2023 07:45

😂

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 30/09/2023 16:22

I think the lack of a present stood out to the OP because it was following on from a general lack of interest from her PIL's. If she had helpful ones, like yours, I doubt it would have been an issue.

@Mothership4two in that case, the OP’s comment isn’t about the lack of gift. It’s about their (perceived) lack of care.
If they had given a gift to the OP, it wouldn’t have made a difference, would it? Rather they’d have done it either to confirm to the norms (hypocrisy) or for their own benefits (eg SM, tell friends etc….) etc….
Im not sure the OP would have felt much better about the situation! Nor would it change their lack of interest etc….

Mothership4two · 01/10/2023 07:42

It seems to be a pattern in what OP perceives as a lack of interest/care @RedAndWhiteCarnations . OP and her mother thought it was highly unusual and so she asked the question and many people on here have confirmed that it is. Whether it matters or not to the OP is another question. Not following a social norm will stand out in that family or community. It would have been hypocritical of them to have brought something if they have strong reasons not to, but then it would have been kind of them to explain that. OP doesn't say whether they brought something for her first child so I would assume they did. She also doesn't say what her DP thinks about it and he might be able to give some insight. Maybe, like you, they didn't think it was expected. But to the OP it is.

*unless I missed it in all OP's posts!

WeHaveChocIcesInTheFreezer · 01/10/2023 15:47

I’d be offended too, it’s not about the money or ‘value’ of the gift; it’s about the thought and making an effort. NTA.

EandKDJ · 01/10/2023 15:51

TulipsTulip · 26/09/2023 13:48

Don’t be so greedy!

They’re grandparents, not the three kings.

Love this! Well said! OP seems rather entitled! When I had my baby I didn't expect any gifts, I was just grateful people took the time to visit and enquire after our well-being!

NnarcissaMalfoy · 01/10/2023 16:00

GeorgeBeckett · 26/09/2023 13:59

My parents are like this, they just aren't really present people. They don't work like this, don't like random crap and are a bit socially awkward. But they'd give me £20k if I asked, and would happily help out practically in an emergency if asked. We're all different. Maybe it's just not their way.

This is exactly my parents too. Whether the lack of gift means something or not in this context depends so much on what they're like as people- I'd be tempted to give the benefit of the doubt if they're otherwise good grandparents.

HappyPurrrsday · 01/10/2023 16:00

my dd has three sets of grandparents. 4 uncles/aunts. None brought anything when they visited?

HarLace1 · 01/10/2023 16:04

In with you OP, very strange behaviour. I even got my next door neighbours a little something for their daughter and we'd only been moved in 2 months! Isn't that the right thing to do? As u say if u knew they was struggling you could forgive them, however, I've struggled for money in the past and there's nothing wrong with buying a baby blanket from home bargains for 2.99! It's the thought that counts, it's not as if you're expecting mamas and papas finest! What does your OH say?

Hereforaglance · 01/10/2023 16:15

This reply has been deleted

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gemma19846 · 01/10/2023 16:23

I honestly cant believe the stuff people complain about on this forum. Im sure people try to find ways to be upset and offended! Theyre the grandparents, why does it matter if they bring "gifts" or not. Good God

DangerousAlchemy · 01/10/2023 17:08

We got a lot of congratulations cards with our 2 kids but I don't remember a lot of gifts. The odd teddy maybe? honestly can't remember. My parents drove for 6 hours round trip to visit us in one day though. And I was very grateful & pleased to see them. My 2 sisters came with them. Must have been a right faff for them all tbh &a very long day but it was lovely to see them. I think they might have brought clothes for the new baby? My ILs rushed to the hospital both times to see us/the baby. Honestly couldn't tell you if they were clutching cards/flowers/ pressies though?My kids are 19 & 15 though so my memory is a bit foggy 🤣 Personally if I was visiting a friend or relative who'd just had a baby I would always take a card & a gift - usually a teething toy or something cute.

Rose38 · 01/10/2023 17:56

That's quite sad that none of them brought anything. When my younger brother's wife had a baby girl, I made a nice gift basket full of essentials that they would need. Did the same for their second daughter too.

When I had my first child, one of my friends and one of my uncle's gave gift baskets which I thought was really sweet. Not one person visited to see my baby empty handed.

I guess everyone is different but I personally like to go out and pick nice gifts for anyone close who has a baby. All within a budget of what I can afford of course.

All the people saying it's greedy etc etc..not one of them have mentioned what they do on xmas then? People saying giving gifts are wasteful I am honestly curious what do you do on xmas and birthdays..do you actually say no gifts to everyone?

SamW98 · 01/10/2023 18:51

Justletpeopleenjoythings · 26/09/2023 14:02

This wouldn't even register with me.

Ditto. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to expect anyone visiting me and my newborn to arrive with a gift and/or card.

If they did I’d be grateful but it would be a bonus not an expectation.

Mummytotheboy · 01/10/2023 19:09

Least they treat their grandchildren equally. My inlaws have another grandchild from their other son. For every £1 spent on my son they spend £10 on her!

Santina · 01/10/2023 19:46

@RedAndWhiteCarnations 😂 get a grip, it was a couple of outfits for every stage of growth, some mix a match outfits for when they got older, it's hardly robbing the parents of anything. My son was more than grateful, unfortunately his partner isn't. She doesn't let them have anything any one else has bought, it all has to come from her. I just don't understand the controlling nature of parents today, with their bazaar ideas and smothering way they bring their children up.

Mummasals · 01/10/2023 20:38

Christ on a bike, Mumsnet at its finest, and all directed at someone who’s presumably a few days postpartum and going through the hormonal rollercoaster and is seeking guidance as to whether her upset is unreasonable or not so she’s clearly aware that she might not be being as reasonable as usual.

I cant imagine turning up without at least a card (I have kept all of my children’s new baby cards) and would usually take a few meals that can be reheated, maybe an outfit for the baby etc. life isn’t about gifts but sometimes a gift is the norm!

Samlewis96 · 01/10/2023 21:06

Florenceatemycake · 26/09/2023 15:35

You're being unreasonable. They're the grandparents; they don't need to bring a present. Neither sets of mine did for any of ours. Didn't occur to me to be put out.

Actually as a grandmother I don't actually really buying a gift for the babies. I was at the birth of 2 if them. I got flowers for my daughters and helped out when the babies were small. Obviously I have no manners either lol

CrazyCatLadyCat · 01/10/2023 21:20

😂

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 01/10/2023 21:27

Santina · 01/10/2023 19:46

@RedAndWhiteCarnations 😂 get a grip, it was a couple of outfits for every stage of growth, some mix a match outfits for when they got older, it's hardly robbing the parents of anything. My son was more than grateful, unfortunately his partner isn't. She doesn't let them have anything any one else has bought, it all has to come from her. I just don't understand the controlling nature of parents today, with their bazaar ideas and smothering way they bring their children up.

You said

I bought a whole wardrobe of clothes for the year, lots of lovely blankets, bibs, little keepsakes. When they were born, I went with the whole lot.
🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

That’s not a couple of outfits…. to me.
And my answer reflects that.