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Original poster

In-laws came to meet our newborn without a gift

333 replies

Freyaz · 26/09/2023 13:46

We had our second baby last week, our first is 3. The in-laws hadn’t asked while I was pregnant if there was anything we needed, they’d barely even mentioned the fact we were having another baby actually. They arrived to meet our newborn the other day and didn’t bring anything. They didn’t even bring our daughter anything either when almost everyone who had been to visit had brought her something too. It’s not about the presents and people have been far too generous but it was just the fact they hadn’t made any effort.

When I was telling my mum she asked if they’d brought flowers or something but they hadn’t, just showed up empty handed. If it was a financial thing I would understand it but they have plenty of money. It just felt like they hadn’t bothered when every other distant relative, friend etc had 🤔 Am I wrong in thinking they should have brought at least something?

OP posts:
Original poster
Freyaz · 27/09/2023 20:43

LadyEloise1 · 27/09/2023 14:54

Is this their first grandchild @Freyaz ?

Second, it’s our second child but they’ve got no other grandchildren except them

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 27/09/2023 21:35

Tribevibes · 26/09/2023 14:05

I’m with you OP. They sound unpleasant, tight and pretty awful to be honest. It’s not about greed or entitlement. If you go round to see a new mum/baby then you at least bring a card, some inexpensive chocolates, flowers, little outfit for baby or whatever……

That is what you call good manners. Personally I think it’s entitlement from them to come round empty handed at a time whereby you might not even want people round but you graciously let them in anyway…..

A card from card factory is 69p

Do people have zero integrity these days?

Unpleasant? Tight? Awful? Judgemental or what! Maybe they're just moving with the times. People just don't expect gifts and cards like they used to...they don't expect 'thank you cards' and letters either.
It's quite probable they're thinking 'well, I think we should show our face and say hello to the baby'...and they've given up their time and driven over and made appropriate cooing noises and just gone back to their life. I really can't see why OP is so bothered.

SirChenjins · 27/09/2023 21:44

Just the sort of grandparents everyone dreams of having.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
beautifuldaytosavelives · 27/09/2023 22:19

Only on Mumsnet would OP be accused of being grabby, or told to be glad for the visit etc etc. This story in real life would have the vast majority of people saying ‘and they didn’t bring so much as a pair of bootees!’.

Bernardo1 · 27/09/2023 22:35

So ?

Thistlelass · 27/09/2023 23:52

I don't for one minute think the mum is being 'grabby'. If they did not bring something for the first grandchild it just does not appear to be on their radar. I have loved selecting first outfits for each new grandchild and yes I would have a little parcel also for big brother or sister. But it is not worth making an issue out of ...

Mothership4two · 28/09/2023 05:23

It is highly unusual for grandparents visiting their grandchild for the first time to not bring anything at all, despite some of the comments on this thread IRL it is a bit strange. It's a social norm to give a newborn a present. This isn't some distant relative or acquaintance, this is the grandparents and these are their only grandchildren. If they had their reasons then it would have been kind to explain them ie "we didn't bring anything because we know you have lots of baby things from GC1" or whatever. Presumably they brought a gift for them when they were born? Just a bunch of flowers for OP would have been something - again quite a usual thing that people do. Coupled with their lack of interest in her pregnancy, I am not surprised OP is a bit hurt. It is not grabby or greedy to wonder about it. Of course most parents would wonder - unless there is some back story to explain why. As OP has said the GPs are not hard up and she would have been happy to have just had a card.

To the queries as to why anyone would bring the older sibling a present - again it is quite a common thing to do (I have done it). You take a present for the baby and a little something for the older child/children so they don't feel left out. You don't have to buy them a pony. I've given books and colouring books with pencils. I think they see the baby getting gifts and attention and they like it that something is coming their way and someone is thinking of them. My friend's mum gave DS2 a small soft toy - a rabbit which he treasured all of his childhood.

LaDamaDeElche · 28/09/2023 07:03

I don’t think my own parents gave a baby gift. They did come round and help me with DD though and obviously have bought her loads of stuff over the years. I don’t think my ex’s mum did either. She did clean my house for me while I was napping though, which was gift enough.

Cactusmad · 28/09/2023 11:03

Here up north it’s a massive thing to gift a baby and parents either money or stuff. It’s a welcome and pride thing. Not sure what’s going on with your in laws. You feeling hurt would be normal here but then people pass on the baby welcoming as most people like to share in the reflected happiness. I’ve had gifts from strangers that received gifts from my family. Congratulations on your baby .

Pr1mr0se · 28/09/2023 12:08

This isn't your first baby. Some people, even close relatives, tend to be more 'relaxed' about subsequent babies. Maybe that's how they see it. If they weren't interested in your pregnancy then I'd say the lack of interest and gift is within expectations.

Beastieboys · 28/09/2023 15:43

You're not Mary and Joseph........

VeraMay · 28/09/2023 21:41

Do your in-laws see you and "your" children as family, or are they like my ex in-laws who only decided to really acknowledge my DD'S when I divorced their son, therefore making DD'S his children, not off-sprng of us both?

Mothership4two · 29/09/2023 03:53

Beastieboys · 28/09/2023 15:43

You're not Mary and Joseph........

No you are the parents of their only grandchildren

WandaWonder · 29/09/2023 03:55

Mothership4two · 29/09/2023 03:53

No you are the parents of their only grandchildren

Show quote history

And that needs presents?

Mothership4two · 29/09/2023 04:02

@Cactusmad

I’ve had gifts from strangers that received gifts from my family.

DH's work colleague (who I had met once at a work's dinner) gave DS a teddy wearing a jumper with his name on it when he was born.

Mothership4two · 29/09/2023 05:21

In my world grandparents want to give them @WandaWonder

IRL I have never heard of close family members not bringing a newborn a gift. Sure it must happen but I haven't come across it. My nephew and his wife, who live on the other side of the World from us, had a baby a few months ago and, naturally, we sent a gift.

SirChenjins · 29/09/2023 06:04

WandaWonder · 29/09/2023 03:55

And that needs presents?

Show quote history

No, it doesn’t need them, nor does the OP need to be asked how she is during her pregnancy, or to be asked if she wants anything during their visit. These are lovely social norms though - it’s a shame some posters have missed out on those things.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 29/09/2023 09:08

@Mothership4two and in mine, the presence of said grand parents is enough.
it’s enough for me and it’s certainly enough for the child who will have no memory or understanding of that ‘gift giving when i first saw you’ thing.

When my PIL first saw dc2, They didn’t bring a gift. But they were at my house the week before helping DH finishing some major work in the house so the house was as clean, safe and calm as possible for me and dc2.
I know which I prefer between that help for the house and bringing a cuddly toy or yet more clothes.

Cactusmad · 29/09/2023 09:50

Support comes in all forms. Being handed something lovingly chosen is welcoming your baby and a gift to the older one says you are not forgotten. It’s deeper than clothes , it’s thoughtful. It’s really engrained here. It’s nice to share in the reflective pleasure. Also some family’s are on the-bones of their arses so it all helps. I knit and it’s nice to see a hat and mittens having an outing. At work there are collections and a big item is bought always chosen by the parents. I know baby showers are popular so gifting still goes on .

Santina · 29/09/2023 10:07

When my first grandchild was on the way, I was so excited. I bought a whole wardrobe of clothes for the year, lots of lovely blankets, bibs, little keepsakes. When they were born, I went with the whole lot. Next thing I see, the things I bought were being sold. When the next child was born, I kept my money in my pocket. Yes, I'm a MIL that has tried so hard with my DIL, she is a DIL that goes out of her way to be difficult. So I'm probably wrong for not doing the same with the second and third. As a MIL to a son's wife, we are always second best, always in the wrong, even when trying to do the right thing and constantly walking on eggshells.

One day, you young mothers of boys will become a MIL, be prepared for the the way you're going to get treated.

Nanny0gg · 29/09/2023 10:10

Growuppeople · 27/09/2023 18:48

Ew no wouldn’t expect anyone to bring a gift! Just gross grow up

Gross?

Really? A social norm is 'gross'?

Do you never take gifts for birthdays/births/Christmas/Housewarming/anniversaries/thanks?

FluffyCatBonzo · 29/09/2023 10:10

TBH I think this is not normal - well at least in my family and circles. You didn't answer the question about how they are normally at Christmas, birthday etc?

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 29/09/2023 13:00

@Santina i would have hated my MIL or my mother doing that.
It was my child, my first born. I wanted to buy them the first clothes, the bibs, the keepsakes.
If one if them had gone ‘all in’ like you did, I’d have felt they were robbing me of my own firsts.

That never ever stopped both sets if grand parents to be actively involved in my dcs lives. It has never stopped me having a really good relationship with my MIL (and my mum). They both bought stuff for my dcs, some of which they still lovingly keep.
But not a whole wardrobe!

SirChenjins · 29/09/2023 14:55

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 29/09/2023 09:08

@Mothership4two and in mine, the presence of said grand parents is enough.
it’s enough for me and it’s certainly enough for the child who will have no memory or understanding of that ‘gift giving when i first saw you’ thing.

When my PIL first saw dc2, They didn’t bring a gift. But they were at my house the week before helping DH finishing some major work in the house so the house was as clean, safe and calm as possible for me and dc2.
I know which I prefer between that help for the house and bringing a cuddly toy or yet more clothes.

But the OP’s PIL did none of that either

Tessasanderson · 29/09/2023 15:04

My parents have made little to no effort over the last 21 years with their GC. They have however sent me a few gifts of money over the years. A decent amount all told.

I would give every penny back to have them spend time with me and their grandchildren instead. Now that GM has passed and GF is too old its sad no relationship exits between them.