Moved out of London to new area but hate it

[hatewhereIlive]

We moved out of London in 2021, we’d been thinking about it for years and finally decided to do it.

It’s been over two years now and I thought I’d have settled but I hate it. We live in a very nice place on paper - leafy, great schools, easy commute to London etc etc.

But it just feels wrong. I feel so out of place here, I have really struggled to make friends and don’t feel like I fit in at all with the school mums. I’m not sure what it is about me but I just seem different!

I desperately miss our old community in London and feel really gutted about what we gave up. DH on the other hand loves our new house and area and our two DC (7 and 4) seem happy enough at the school.

Anyone else been here? Anything to do other than suck it up? In theory we could move back but it would be a bit mad really and it’s not like it would be the same anyway - different house, wouldn’t necessarily get a place at the same school etc.

Eeeek am I the only one?

Not me but a friend of mine moved from Wimbledon to Suffolk - teenage kids all went to new schools - beautiful looking house in a Suffolk village. Not sure she was ever happy there. To cut a long story short the family are back in Wimbledon sold the Suffolk bought a new house - does happen - what is it you don’t like?

Thank you! I know both Suffolk and Wimbledon well actually. They are very different!

Where we live just doesn’t seem “real”, people seem quite materialistic, it’s quite cliquey and I just don’t feel like I fit.

I miss the city, better public transport, a more diverse community (in every sense but particularly socioeconomic!) I feel like we drive everywhere here.

I am also just kicking myself because I feel like I fell for the hype of “better” schools and a “better” place to bring up kids but I’m now realising how subjective this is. I realise now that I actually really liked our old primary school and church but didn’t appreciate them at the time and haven’t found anything here which matches up.

Talk to your DH. If it's that bad, your kids are young enough to move back. I'm with you where I'd hate to drive everywhere. We moved out of London recently and I do miss it, but happy where we've moved to - it's a good size town though which was deliberate as we hate driving. Otherwise can you look for other ways to get to know people, apart from school mums, perhaps hobbies or volunteering?

I always feel it's a shame you can't do a 'managed move' for a house move. Eg 6 weeks in that new area and see if you like it. Move back if it's not it. Sorry you're dealing with this. I'm sure there's tons in your shoes that end up loving it though.

Don’t have children but I moved right at the start of the first lockdown. Know the village from staying here many times. And I hate it. Snobbish, elitist, only social activity is to do with the church and I’m an atheist. I volunteered for something and the first question I was asked was do you go to church. Have to drive miles for anything :( Can almost see the tumbleweed blowing down the lane outside.
I feel your pain.

Honestly this is why I wouldn't contemplate leaving London. I grew up in an area similar to you describe and it was truly horrible being a teenager in that environment - no public transport so relied on parents for everything, boring and materialistic, everyone knowing everyone's business and being so judgemental. The lack of difference is just horrid.

Come back to London! It's lovely here despite what everyone says, and Sadiq is all over the air quality porblem

Think this common. I've seen threads before. Received wisdom is that London is not a good place to raise kids and everyone wants out. For us it's been brilliant - so much to do, constantly evolving for new experiences etc. Sometimes I get fed up with the fast pace but then I think about leaving and knowing I could never afford to come back. However one thing I do know is that I don't want to be a pensioner here so I will leave at some point in the next 5-7 years.

If I were you and could afford to, I'd come back. Others will say make the best of it but the reality is that London is a brilliant place to live and if that's what you're used to and prefer then a smaller town just won't cut it.

Yes we moved from one side of London to the other (Lewisham to Twickenham) but although different and a lot greener - more choice of schools - we still have decent transport and other connections, a more diverse community etc etc. But I’m glad we didn’t move right out - what does DH think you should do?

"However one thing I do know is that I don't want to be a pensioner here so I will leave at some point in the next 5-7 years."

We're zone 5, having come here from zone 1, and my plan is to go further in when my (now little) kids leave home. I think I'd be fairly futureproofed in a flat in a mansion block with a lift and a bus or black cab outside my door, than rattling around a house with stairs in a suburb.

Genuine question, what puts you off being a pensioner here? Just cost of living, or something else?

One of the things I like most about London is that whatever age/stage you're at there's so much to do and so many people to share that experience with. Even my parents said they were amazed how much stuff there is for parents of young babies, and I'd imagined retired life would be the same. Albeit I think I'd want to move to a slightly quieter more "village" type area of London than I live in now.

Yes @HerculesMulligan - I feel exactly the same!

Being a Londoner I agree that you have to adopt a different mindset when moving out of the capital. Having to drive everywhere is the worst thing, but also the lack of cultural activities and choice. For me London people are so less prickly too. Your children are still young, so I'd go back if you are unhappy.

DH is happy here and thinks we should stay, he likes the new area and prefers it to our old London location.

Also he points out the kids are doing fine here and it would be a shame to move them again.

I think he has a point to be honest and I feel like the more logical solution is to stay here and make the best of it but it’s a struggle.

Different circs but yes. I'm temporarily stuck on a very safe and leafy new estate that feels miles from everywhere in a town that's totally new to me. Not much happening in the town and I can't seem to meet people I hit it off with locally. I plan to move in a couple of years which is ASAP. I'd suggest you do the same.

Find somewhere that actually suits you and your family, not where you think should be a good prospect. Diversity, life, hustle and bustle are all perfectly good preferences.

You've given this place a try for 2 years. Personally I would move on. Give it some thought where. There might be a compromise- city that is smaller than london but more to your taste or you might decide London is home for you.

One thing I'd recommend keeping talks with DP constructive, timely and recommending positive courses of action rather than letting the place get you down

Genuine question, what puts you off being a pensioner here? Just cost of living, or something else?

Yes, cost of living but also no family here, just me and my children and am single parent. I've seen how my extended family have rallied round my elderly parents who are now in poor health. I'd like to be in a position to do the same for them when the time comes. Plus no outdoor space here, but where my family are I could have that. Have an elderly neighbour here in London, who I look in on and occasionally bring groceries for or sweep her path. Her children are great and involved but she's very reliant on them and I sense she's very lonely and lives for them to come round but they obvs have full and busy lives. I feel a yearning to be back near family as I get older.

Hope that's not too lengthy or wittering response

Cross post. But you matter too. What does he say about that? It's not just about him and the kids. By any chance is it his home town/ nearby?

I just wanted to say that the commuter belt is a world of its own, totally different to the rest of the UK. You'd probably be happier anywhere else, whether that's further out or in. A nice leafy part of Leeds, like Horsforth, for example, would give you what you crave but a short hop to the city for good stuff.

I really regret moving to one of these "just outside London" towns from further north, it was unavoidable for DH's job though as he works in this town.

Honestly what you've said about people being materialistic really resonated, as did what a PP said about church. In our town there's a lot of ex-Londoners who have settled and talk about property prices, home improvements, cars, good schools etc, and a lot of natives who are all about Jesus. I don't fit in with either group.

It's hard to find the decent people because what can they say in those sort of conversations, they're not going to go "I think you're boring for talking about your new Bentley or your old flat in South Ken" so they just go quiet, as do I, and you never know if people are being quiet because they agree, disagree, or are thinking about fish and chips!

It's nice to know the actual people left in London aren't like this. Or at least that some of them aren't. I was starting to wonder if it was a London thing because the one thing these people all have in common in my town is that they used to live in zone 1/2 and largely still work there.

I agree with @Avastmehearties I know what you mean about not unsettling DC but keep reviewing it as things change. Teen years in quieter areas are truly horrible for parents who spend their entire lives in the car moving kids from activity to activity. It's horrible for them to not to be able to have any way to explore their emerging independence.

Re: schools - what are the secondaries like where you are? London schools are v good. If you're not planning private, better schools might be a reason to come back.

Where have you moved to?

That makes sense. I actually don't have a large family and by the time I retire I expect it to just be my DC and whatever family they have by then, so maybe I'll feel differently if they choose to move elsewhere/

@hatewhereIlive have you moved to Berkhamsted by any chance?

This is my worst nightmare. Thank god DP and I are aligned on never living anywhere else in the UK.

Sorry OP! Maybe look into moving back? We have friends who moved to Oxfordshire then returned to London after 2 years.

Because everywhere outside of London is exactly the same🙄
This is going to blow some peoples minds ,but there are actually towns and even cities outside of London😮

No, but right sort of area!