Moved out of London to new area but hate it

[hatewhereIlive]

We moved out of London in 2021, we’d been thinking about it for years and finally decided to do it.

It’s been over two years now and I thought I’d have settled but I hate it. We live in a very nice place on paper - leafy, great schools, easy commute to London etc etc.

But it just feels wrong. I feel so out of place here, I have really struggled to make friends and don’t feel like I fit in at all with the school mums. I’m not sure what it is about me but I just seem different!

I desperately miss our old community in London and feel really gutted about what we gave up. DH on the other hand loves our new house and area and our two DC (7 and 4) seem happy enough at the school.

Anyone else been here? Anything to do other than suck it up? In theory we could move back but it would be a bit mad really and it’s not like it would be the same anyway - different house, wouldn’t necessarily get a place at the same school etc.

I think the problem is that people who like London, like cities. But when they 'move out' it's to the opposite of a city. Little wonder they don't like it.

I live in Zone 4. It's a good balance between central London which is 20 mins away and the green spaces and slightly quieter pace. DH and I have been thinking about moving as our children are late teens. But to be honest ,I want what I have here. If I were to move it would have to be to another city.

This is so true for me. I grew up in a small city and always wanted to live in London. I loved it for a bit but thought I wanted more space and quicker access to the countryside. I live close to a train station and can get to London very quickly but miss so much about living in a city.

Move back. It will be so much better for your kids when they are teenagers. I live in a British city with excellent public transport (not London) and 17 and 14 year old kids have loads of friends and hobbies and are really independent, well adjusted and you can see the benefits for them living in a vibrant diverse community.

I love London but hate the south east for all the reasons posters on here describe.. Those commuter towns and their vibe are awful, full of aspirational dullards. I've had friends "move out" from the city for bigger houses etc and seen them change and become more and more small minded.

I hated rural living as a teenagers and love city life. I would move back whilst they're still little and have very few ties/attachments.

"I shudder at the thought of ever leaving... and remember having a panic attack staying with a friend in Luton."

Ha! We'd be friends @Charlize43

I completely relate to this. The affluence is incredible and I don’t feel great that my kids will grow up thinking this is normal. But I should really have known this before I got here…

Yep the driving everywhere to every activity would drive me mad. It really affects your quality of life. My DC have a few hobbies between them and can get to all of them independently bar the music lesson.

At night DD can get a £7 Uber back with a friend (they're 17) at a time that suits them. They can travel independently to cafés, gigs and restaurants. The cinema is walkable. The list goes on.

I just spent time in rural Devon and actually had a panic attack it felt so small and claustrophobic. I felt trapped there being no public transport. The lack of diversity, everything. Just for a bigger garden and a view.

British people are obsessed with "space" forgetting a lot of families abroad bring kids up in flats with shared communal space. They seem to do ok.

@Courgeon that’s true, plus kids enjoy garden only up to certain age, then they’re not bothered and need other things instead that they don’t find in suburbs.

I could of written your post myself OP many years ago. I moved from London where I grew up, worked, great friends/family to a affluent village 13 years ago with three very small dc's. We relocated due to work and I hated it so much. I missed everyone, I missed my community and wished we stayed in London.
I had a terrible time with my oldest at the school gate, moved her due to bullying and thankfully she was very happy at the school I moved her too. It was hard for me to make friends as everyone knew each other, I didn't fit in and found moving very hard. I hated the intitled parents/villagers and was unhappy.
Fast forward to now, I have settled, made myself a life here. My DC's are all at secondary school and very happy. I made some friends, small circle of genuine people. The turning point for me was going back to part time work when my youngest started school and work fitted in with the school run. I also joined a gym and went along in the evenings. I really feel for you as it is utter miserable. I ignore the bitchness of what goes on here and focus on all the good bits which are many. I still miss my London life but I go back and see family/friends and cherish them. What has changed for me is seeing my DC's grow and the life we have created here with them. I hope you can settle a little. Good luck OP

I am quite happy to believe I don’t fit in because I’m a better person 😁

Honestly, I don’t quite get why I’m struggling so much. I don’t look different to them, at face value we have similar lifestyles and my kids have settled well and made loads of friends. I’m a little younger than the average but not by loads. Something just doesn’t quite click but I’m not sure what it is.

Re: schools - what are the secondaries like where you are? London schools are v good. If you're not planning private, better schools might be a reason to come back.

We weren’t in an area with good state secondaries. That was one of the factors in our move actually. It seemed that a lot of people went private for secondary in our old area.

I don't drive at all and we don't own a car. I had a similar experience in Devon a few years back, staying at the end of a long lane in a farmhouse type place with no shops or anything- there was no way in or out except by car. I felt completely trapped.

I would have really hated to grow up somewhere like that. My eldest is 13 and she and her friends are able to go out and about without any help from parents.

Could you try and get to know a smaller number of mums, ie pick put just 2 or 3 that seem most friendly, or interesting or open and see if you can make any sort of connection?
I moved from London to a SE village and tbh also felt the same about 'the school mums' as a whole. However a couple seemed more open/amenable and through them I have 4 women who I'd say are now friends . Which is enough for me. Inviting a small group round for drinks or similar and you may dig beneath the shallow school mum chat?? (Which I hate).

I’m wondering if maybe I am setting my standards a bit high because I do have two people here who I would class as genuine “friends” (both of them I met through my younger child rather than through the school). These are people I would socialise with outside of seeing them at play dates, people I can be honest with about how I’m feeling etc.

Maybe that’s actually not bad going and I’m expecting too much to have made more than that after two years.

I think part of how I’m feeling is down to missing London and a sense of disappointment that the grass isn’t greener it’s just different.

Our reasons were:

• the area we lived in was nice but we were right next to some horrible areas (as is the way in London) which didn’t feel safe, there was quite a lot of crime within a mile of our house
• the primary schools were good but the secondary schools didn’t have a great reputation
• we could afford a better house outside of London with a garden, parking, proper spare room etc
• we were the wrong side of London for getting to my husband’s mum - who was bereaved in the last few years - and DH wanted an easier journey to visit her (ironically since the move she has done nothing but say how much she preferred it when we lived in London 😂)

Yes you probably have set expectations a bit high on the friends side...it takes time.
Also you expected things to be much 'better'. A mistake. Its just different, some pros some cons compared to London.

@hatewhereIlive

Those are all really good reasons to move OP.

Shitty secondary schools can and do really affect outcomes. I grew up in a poor part of the country and I would do everything in my power to prevent my DC going to schools like that.

Expanding your friend network via parents at primary school and finding the right church will hopefully help, maybe a sport group?- you do need to put yourself out there though and be proactive

Was it Wilmslow? Bloody awful place!

Also where did you move from? Sounds like the area you lived in London wasn't the best but you feel out of place in your new area..... why do you really think that is?

As a poc I haven't had the best experiences living and visiting places outside of London, I only felt marginally ok in places where there were people who looked like me but still always felt like a fish out of water. I was born and raised in London and these countryside people act like I'd just arrived yesterday- the cheek! I probably speak better English than them too.... also coupled with the fact there is usually f all to do in these neat little towns and everything closes at half 5. Public transport is nearly non existent and you need a car for literally everywhere as some routes are not designed for walking.🚶what else there is herd mentality to outsiders or new in towners. So I think I'd strive to survive in London then go somewhere where me and my family will always be looking over our shoulders. Yes this 2023 but tell that to those ukipers!

I was guessing Berko 😬

Tring?

I felt exactly like you OP and to some extent still feel the same way. I've been in the new area for a year now but it will never feel like home...home is London. Every time I go to London I realise how much I miss it.

What possessed me to think I could live in a small town...the only thing that makes me think this place is better than London is that is has less crime. I left London because of the massive amount of crime.

And the school here is better I think. But the parents of the the kids aren't the friendliest and already have their groups...don't seem keen to get to know the newbie or even bother to say hello. Seem quite anti social to be fair. Really irritates me as I was always welcoming to new mums/dads when I was in London.

My kids seem happier here though so for them I think the move was good. But I only plan to stay for another couple of years max and then back to London where we belong.

This all sounds so familiar! So will you really move back do you think? How old will your kids be at that point?

I’ve had completely the same experience with school parents not being welcoming. I’ve always tried really hard to welcome new people as well so it’s annoying. I knew we were off to a bad start when the class rep added me to the WhatsApp group with a little welcome message and nobody reacted! That would never have happened at our old school.

OP I did this when my kids were young, stuck it out for 5 years and moved back! They spent their teenage years at school in London (in those very secondary schools I moved to get away from) and I have no regrets!

Actually the only regret (which I try not to dwell on) is moving out and losing out on the increase in property prices in London - I had to move back to a less good area. Still I'm here now and not planning to go anywhere again (I had my youngest when I moved back).

do you work op?
have you joined groups?
perhaps you will meet like minded people that way?