Moved out of London to new area but hate it

[hatewhereIlive]

We moved out of London in 2021, we’d been thinking about it for years and finally decided to do it.

It’s been over two years now and I thought I’d have settled but I hate it. We live in a very nice place on paper - leafy, great schools, easy commute to London etc etc.

But it just feels wrong. I feel so out of place here, I have really struggled to make friends and don’t feel like I fit in at all with the school mums. I’m not sure what it is about me but I just seem different!

I desperately miss our old community in London and feel really gutted about what we gave up. DH on the other hand loves our new house and area and our two DC (7 and 4) seem happy enough at the school.

Anyone else been here? Anything to do other than suck it up? In theory we could move back but it would be a bit mad really and it’s not like it would be the same anyway - different house, wouldn’t necessarily get a place at the same school etc.

I would say it's quite possible that you've moved to the "wrong" place. There's a town (village?) fairly near us with beautiful houses, cute little high street etc. When we first moved to the area, every time I drove through there I'd think, "oooh, if we ever have th money, this is where I'd buy...." But now, nearly 15 years later, I wouldn't live there if I won the lottery. It is very pretty, and if your life consisted of living in gorgeous house and being able to eat in a choice of 3 lovely gastro pubs, it would be PERFECT. But that's not what I want. I want a community - half the streets in this area are now gated off, and I have yet to see anyone actually pulling in or out of the driveway of any of these houses (except deliveries) even though I drive through there at least 3 times a week...

I would keep going with finding a church as it sounds like that's a good way for you to meet people and find "your" people.

In term of moving - depending on where you are, is there a "small" move you could make? Eg even the village above that I wouldn't want to live in but if I did, it would be a bit of commute but not massively for the DC. There are other areas nearby where I definitely could keep them at their existing school but just have a slightly different life - eg a good friend is in the process of moving closer to our local town centre. DC will stay at same schools but while our town centre is not terribly flashy, she is tired of having to drive everywhere. So this is important for her.

I was going to bet money you moved to Buckinghamshire......

Why did you move? If you think about the reason you did it, are you making the most of that reason? If it was just for a bigger home then there's your problem.

A lot is about community, or lack thereof. Can you start a group to improve things to suit you? Eg poetry group, book club, art classes or whatever you're interested in to bring in like minded people to get to know better?

Are you west or north west of London? Perhaps some of us can help?

I'm in the sticks having previously lived in busy areas. I wasn't sure for the first year or so but love it now and I'm not sure I would ever move back.

Move back OP. While your dc are at an easy age to move. You have given the new place enough time, move back to the place that actually suited you and made you happy.
I moved from somewhere I loved to somewhere I don’t like and years later I dislike it even more , and I am planning a move as soon as my dd leaves school. I really regret wasting so much time hoping I would get to love it.

I thought you were going to say 2 months and I was going to say well you need to give it a year before you even start feeling settled

You've been there 2 years. Hmmm. If you found a church community you could gel with it would probably help but at some point you need to trust yourself.

The kids will be fine if you can move them whilst they're still primary.

Why don't you write down a list of why you moved out of London and what you get in your new area?

I personally love the option to just getting in a car and being able to drive to get to where I want to because quite frankly I can't be bothered to walk or use public transport

Have you joined your local Facebook group? You can find information about the local area to explore what you can get involved in. Plus there may be a meet-up group where hopefully you will find like minded people

You moved out of London for a reason - try and remember the reason

Wasn't it Dr Johnson who said if you leave London then you are ready to die... or something like that...?

It sounds like you moved to Eastbourne too early.

I was just about to move to bucks and then split with baby's father so am still in London with my friends and family and stuff going on.. despite now being stuck in a tiny flat and stressing about which secondary school I could send my son to, this thread has made me hugely grateful to still be here!!

Op have you got a spare room? Can you do it up with bunk beds and then schedule at least a weekend a month when you have a visit from friends with their kids to come see you, enjoy the countryside etc? That was my plan when I was going to move there - I thought I would have a steady stream of visitors as everyone likes a weekend away and it doesn't sound like you're too far out and it also makes you appreciate where you live when you show people how nice it is ,
Could you also do a dinner or drinks night in London at least once a month to go in and catch up with your pals there? See everyone at once?

We moved area during Lockdown; only about 45 minutes away, but I felt so so unhappy and it couldn’t have felt less like home. Moving had given us a huge house and garden, but that did not make up for how wrong it all felt.

Fortunately, husband and children agreed and we ended up moving back to the exact same village we’d left, exactly 2 years after first leaving it. I couldn’t be happier back where I feel like I belong.

Our primary aged DC have settled really well back into their old school too.

Good luck with whatever you decide

@Lastchancechica I moved to Sevenoaks from Dubai and love it here.
Very friendly, worldly and fairly international community. Plenty of options for hobbies. My commute to London is sometimes quicker than my friends who live in London. Life can be as busy or as quiet as you want it to be.

I would imagine when kids are secondary school age, life is the same for all parents - school, activities, sports games, gatherings of teens etc

But I am a big believer in living near transport as the kids are teens so they can get themselves to places.

My kids can use the tube as well as any Londoner. At the moment they have little interest in galleries and museums although the eldest is finally developing some interest

My advice would be to give it a go and try make new connections which involves a lot of putting yourself out there, trying to formulate friendships outside of the school mums etc.

Join a local walking/running group? Any hobbies or interests so that you have common ground with others there?

Write a pros list of where you are now to help you through moments like this?

Ultimately you need to give it time. Takes longer to find your people/make friends as an adult. Are your kids making friends okay?

I moved out of London 3 years ago after almost 20 years there and haven't looked back, I've moved to a small village where we knew nobody but just tried my hardest to find people I gel with. It took time but it's happened. Good luck!

If it's Bucks, you need to move away from the moneyed areas, the people who move there are all about beating the Jonses not keeping up with them. We moved out of London and live in a busy Bucks 'village' (it's not what I would call a village at all!) but the people here are all very down to earth and friendly including many ex Londoners.

Wow I didn't realise everyone in London was wealthy and middle class.

It's only after leaving London (to move to another city, where culture also exists), that I've realised just how much the London bubble is a thing.

Same situation when my DD1 was 5. Stayed for 6 years but moved back for secondary. I know in 2 months that I had to move back, so was just biding my time waiting to make it a positive move to the 'right' location in London rather than a panic knee jerk move.

If you are genuinely miserable then you need to talk with your husband and spell it out. I honestly shudder at leaving London. I grew up out in the suburban sticks and hated it but I love walking and being outdoorsy so it much easier to do that in London where is easy to walk about and accessible public transport. So you are not weird to feel out of place but it doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t learn to love your new home. You do matter as well and if you are genuinely unhappy then you need to decide what works for the whole family. If you don’t it will only lead to resentment long term.

Wasn't it Dr Johnson who said if you leave London then you are ready to die... or something like that...?

'When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.'

Dr Johnson was a Londoner by adoption; he was from Lichfield originally.

Well, I was comparing two groups of people from the same socioeconomic group (middle class professionals) and the Londoners definitely travel abroad more.

Ever since my family came to the UK over 100 years ago, every one of them has stayed a londoner for life. My parents are pensioners here now and loving it. My grandpa was nearly 100 when he died.

I think this idea comes from people who aren't London born and see it as just a temporary and shallow place rather than a place of long term, deep connections.

Hmmm not exactly the same experience, but let’s say I live in similar area to yours. Public transport is shit, there’s no high street (only gp, chemist and church) and we will be moving before our son starts school, even though school here is really good and the area is popular among parents. I just can’t live here due to exactly the same reasons you stated. Also, driving our child everywhere to every damn activity, no possibility to walk him there makes me dread it.

good luck OP I hope you can agree on some solution with your husband

Yup, me too!

I’ve done this but when kids were much younger. DH had wanted a bigger house, drive etc. I went along with that. Tried it for a bit and I wasn’t happy, took two years to almost buy where we were, and then for me to find a property that would convince DH that moving back was a good idea (I did the legwork to find a few, the one that convinced DH, that we’re in, is on a v quiet street).

We’re both happy with where we are. It’s way more money and other than having a much smaller garden we haven’t compromised on space, meaning money is tight, and we’re working on that.

I wouldn’t beat yourself up about moving out, how else would you have known that outside of London wasn’t for you. And moving kids in primary school is v common.

May be think about it as moving to your next place/life stage as opposed to moving back, things will have changed in London too after all.

just do it!

I knew it!

I shudder at the thought of ever leaving... and remember having a panic attack staying with a friend in Luton.

I'm definitely not ready for it yet and hope to live to 100!

I'm in this exact situation right now OP. We moved from London to Surrey and I'm really trying not to regret it but now that I have a toddler and a newborn I'm being reminded even more of how limited we are! Just thinking of all the things they won't have as they grow up that I took for granted (countless museum visits, attractions, clubs etc, then in later years cafes, libraries, cinemas, public transport to anywhere I wanted to go, clubs/bars/restaurants everywhere I went). Where we live now there's a tiny high street, and a big shopping centre with a cinema about a 40 minute drive away, so not nothing, but it's very different.

But this is the only way we could afford 3 bedrooms, parking and a big garden - back in London that'd cost over a million! Feels like both areas have massive pros and massive cons which makes it all so much harder.