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Original poster

Moved out of London to new area but hate it

144 replies

hatewhereIlive · 25/09/2023 10:42

We moved out of London in 2021, we’d been thinking about it for years and finally decided to do it.

It’s been over two years now and I thought I’d have settled but I hate it. We live in a very nice place on paper - leafy, great schools, easy commute to London etc etc.

But it just feels wrong. I feel so out of place here, I have really struggled to make friends and don’t feel like I fit in at all with the school mums. I’m not sure what it is about me but I just seem different!

I desperately miss our old community in London and feel really gutted about what we gave up. DH on the other hand loves our new house and area and our two DC (7 and 4) seem happy enough at the school.

Anyone else been here? Anything to do other than suck it up? In theory we could move back but it would be a bit mad really and it’s not like it would be the same anyway - different house, wouldn’t necessarily get a place at the same school etc.

OP posts:
Snoken · 25/09/2023 12:38

I moved from zone 1 London to a small town in NW England and I can completely see where you are coming from. There is no place in the UK that can compare to London if you like city living. Not Manchester, not Edinburgh, not Birmingham, not Belfast...

I happened to move to fotballers territory so although the place looked idyllic people were completely materialistic and also quite ignorant. Nobody was concerned about the environment but instead flew away on expensive holidays each school break, they drove humongous cars, shopped non-stop etc. I just could not relate to that type of lifestyle at all and I couldn't relate to the people doing it. I made very few friends in the years we lived up north compared to during my years in London (which was shorter). I don't think there is anything you can do OP to fit in better. You are not going to change who you are. You might find one or two friends but if London is where you want to be you should try to go back. Not every move is successfull and it's OK to change your mind. There might even be a compromise somewhere and both you and DH can be happy.

Original poster
hatewhereIlive · 25/09/2023 12:38

monpetitlapin · 25/09/2023 11:50

I just wanted to say that the commuter belt is a world of its own, totally different to the rest of the UK. You'd probably be happier anywhere else, whether that's further out or in. A nice leafy part of Leeds, like Horsforth, for example, would give you what you crave but a short hop to the city for good stuff.

I really regret moving to one of these "just outside London" towns from further north, it was unavoidable for DH's job though as he works in this town.

Honestly what you've said about people being materialistic really resonated, as did what a PP said about church. In our town there's a lot of ex-Londoners who have settled and talk about property prices, home improvements, cars, good schools etc, and a lot of natives who are all about Jesus. I don't fit in with either group.

It's hard to find the decent people because what can they say in those sort of conversations, they're not going to go "I think you're boring for talking about your new Bentley or your old flat in South Ken" so they just go quiet, as do I, and you never know if people are being quiet because they agree, disagree, or are thinking about fish and chips!

It's nice to know the actual people left in London aren't like this. Or at least that some of them aren't. I was starting to wonder if it was a London thing because the one thing these people all have in common in my town is that they used to live in zone 1/2 and largely still work there.

Argh the conversations about house renovations! Never ending home improvement!!

I do actually attend church but haven’t even managed to find a church I gel with so far. The closest one is all people who grew up in the area and are mostly now very elderly. The more “family” centred ones seem to really just be about school applications.

Im sure I’m just having one of those days and overlooking the good points about living here but feeling v low about it all.

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 25/09/2023 12:40

It's early days yet , it's a massive change. If you're going to move then do it now while the kids are little.

Angrycat2768 · 25/09/2023 12:41

I think the mistake people make when moving out of London is moving to somewhere with nothing in it for miles around, so they move to the commuter belt ( dull, parochial, PITA to get to London if you want to take the kids out) or to the middle of nowhere, whereas if they had moved to a smaller city or somewhere with facilities ( these places do exist outside London) then they would be far happier.

Usernamen · 25/09/2023 13:01

Snoken · 25/09/2023 12:38

I moved from zone 1 London to a small town in NW England and I can completely see where you are coming from. There is no place in the UK that can compare to London if you like city living. Not Manchester, not Edinburgh, not Birmingham, not Belfast...

I happened to move to fotballers territory so although the place looked idyllic people were completely materialistic and also quite ignorant. Nobody was concerned about the environment but instead flew away on expensive holidays each school break, they drove humongous cars, shopped non-stop etc. I just could not relate to that type of lifestyle at all and I couldn't relate to the people doing it. I made very few friends in the years we lived up north compared to during my years in London (which was shorter). I don't think there is anything you can do OP to fit in better. You are not going to change who you are. You might find one or two friends but if London is where you want to be you should try to go back. Not every move is successfull and it's OK to change your mind. There might even be a compromise somewhere and both you and DH can be happy.

This is really interesting, because I would say no one travels abroad more than Londoners! My friends from my home town settled down younger so were at the one-holiday-a-year-with-kids stage much earlier than those in London who are still all child-free (we’re mid-30s) and who travel several times a year, including multiple long haul holidays etc.

So I really don’t recognise this image of Londoners being so environmentally conscious that they don’t fly much. I see the exact opposite, in fact.

Usernamen · 25/09/2023 13:04

Londoners have easy access to 5 airports which makes jetting off for the weekend very easy.

Plus Londoners are much more likely to have family overseas (high immigrant population) so will fly more to visit family.

(I generally agree with your other observations though @Snoken )

SimonMills · 25/09/2023 13:18

Living in a town for the first time I met so many people who said about themselves, "I'm very competitive". That didn't happen in London, nor did it happen in the smaller city where I lived for five years.
Maybe it's just here, but a lot of status anxiety and FOMO.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 25/09/2023 13:20

SimonMills · 25/09/2023 13:18

Living in a town for the first time I met so many people who said about themselves, "I'm very competitive". That didn't happen in London, nor did it happen in the smaller city where I lived for five years.
Maybe it's just here, but a lot of status anxiety and FOMO.

Oh yes,I can relate to that.

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 25/09/2023 13:22

Also he points out the kids are doing fine here and it would be a shame to move them again.

Kids may be doing fine while they're young, but secondary school aged kids in an area with no public transport is a very different matter. So limiting to their independence and social lives, and so demanding of parents' time, having to be available to drive them places and pick them up.

I'd think of moving before your eldest is secondary age, if not back to London, at least to a town with good amenities and public transport.

SurreyMumOfOne · 25/09/2023 13:30

We moved out. I would happily have raised a family in London but we couldn't afford the space we wanted. Even though I knew the area well, it didn't feel like home for a long time, and still isn't really where I'd choose to be, but it works well and has a lot of plus points.

Still don't have many friends though, and NCT and school mums can be particularly tricky. Just because you have friends the same age doesn't mean you'll get along socially or indeed have anything else in common. Which is very hard when it looks like everyone else is making good friends.

I think finding a hobby or interest is a good idea. Something which involved talking you you're not just making small talk at the end of an exercise class, but really talking. Wine tasting or book clubs would be my personal choices if I had time.

LlynTegid · 25/09/2023 13:31

Not fitting in with school mums might be because you are a better person than them in some ways, and if they are hostile to newcomers that is their failing.

Much as I sympathise, moving children again might not be a good idea.

Lastchancechica · 25/09/2023 13:31

Move back. After two years you have allowed for adjustments and it’s not going to happen now. Especially if you find the people around you are not a good fit.

You will have no regrets op, at least you tried something different! Your dh can enjoy the same things during weekends away instead. As the kids get older life will be much easier in a city anyway.

Chunkyandchico · 25/09/2023 13:36

I was going to say Berkhampstead...or Harpenden, Chorleywood, Beaconsfield...

Lastchancechica · 25/09/2023 13:36

I would also add moving the dc now means they can pick up where they left off. The friends will remember them, you can throw a party and celebrate the return!
I know friends that did this.

If you stay be prepared to be there for the very long haul - potentially 30 years or so. My nieces are still at home (33, 29 and 25) saving for a deposit. Your dc will have far better access to great jobs and careers in London. If they need to stay they can easily have a very decent quality of life loving at home and based in the capital, but may be bored where you are now and limited.

Pipsquiggle · 25/09/2023 13:39

It would be interesting to know where you have moved to. Harpenden?

I think you need to find your tribe. For this you will need to get on the class WhatsApp groups / Church groups, attend a few drinks sessions.

Yes initial discussions do tend to be about schools / education / where you live as you are all at that stage in life and it's fairly safe subject matter. Once you get to know people a bit more you talk about other stuff once you know the cut of their jib.

Unfortunately there will always be some people that talk about renovations - at every school, even London has them. They quickly exit that group when the work is done though, they talk about it as it is all-encompassing.

Have you joined any groups? Primary age is a good time to meet other school parents

Its5656 · 25/09/2023 13:44

I moved from South London to Sevenoaks and hated it.
We moved again to Brighton and I love it here. Kids are grown up so it's easier for us though.

Lastchancechica · 25/09/2023 13:48

Its5656 · 25/09/2023 13:44

I moved from South London to Sevenoaks and hated it.
We moved again to Brighton and I love it here. Kids are grown up so it's easier for us though.

What was wrong with Sevenoaks if you don’t mind me asking? My other SIL is looking at houses and schools there now - currently based in central London.

HotApplePiePunch · 25/09/2023 13:53

Not London but a northern city to a midlands town - never felt right despite huge effort - took DH longer to see as he worked outside it and was away a lot.

Really wished we'd moved on sooner and not listen to everyone saying we just needed to try harder and give it more time.

I'd try and work out wat's wrong and look again - going back to exact same bit of London may not be the answer but somewhere might well be.

StuckintheUSA · 25/09/2023 14:00

It's not Tring, is it? My brother is thinking about moving there to be closer to his daughter.

Frisate · 25/09/2023 14:04

We moved from London to Surrey for the same reasons one year ago and I’m feeling the same as you. Hoping it gets better with time, the schools and the hospitals in the area are amazing, but at the same time I worry about the kind of people my children will become after growing up in such a privileged and sheltered area.

JustKen · 25/09/2023 14:05

I would love to move "back home" or, at least, the nearest city to home. I grew up rurally and couldn't wait to get out and move to London. There's not a lot going on where I come from, then or now. Attitudes can be insular and even prejudiced. But, the nearest city has good links with nice places to visit, good road & rail links, so it's still commutable for my current job. I worry that after nearly 30 years in the capital, I might not fit in with the locals. It's a big thing to consider when moving. You get stuck into that metropolitan way of thinking. The place I want to move to doesn't have a good bus service, and none at night, for example. I will need a car to visit my parents, who still live in the village. I don't even have a licence! And there's social attitudes towards religion, race, sexual orientation and wealth. It's very difficult to adjust, I think.

(I will want to move for financial reasons and because of my parents becoming elderly)

EasternStandard · 25/09/2023 14:08

Where did you move from op? Eg the area

Do you need to sell and buy

Ifyouknewmeyouwoudlikeme · 25/09/2023 14:09

I moved from London to a "nice" place 20 minutes out on the train. I hated it - gave it a year (we were renting so an easier move back). It was not my tribe / vibe - I missed London so much.

My kids are both teens now and London is great for them - so much going on and public transport to get them there!

kezzyleah · 25/09/2023 14:12

We live in a similar area, not Hertfordshire but Essex and it is super materialistic and everyone talks about their renos/home improvements! It has taken me a while and I don't think I will ever feel completely at home but I have made friends and my children love it, the area is safe and the schools are amazing. I still pester my dh about moving quite often though! I would give it a few more years? Hopefully you will find some friends and a suitable church and feel more settled due to that.

Ginmonkeyagain · 25/09/2023 14:13

Things is ... you probably left London for a bigger house and "better schools" so you will meet a lot of people that did the same!

My view is sometimes people get focussed on the bigger house and garden they can get if they leave London and forget you actually have to live in the wider community. You can't live all your life in your massive house and garden.