Why should I let this man stay with me for 3 months?

[Sezza57325]

Oh the title should say “Why SHOULDN’T I let this man stay with me”!

Please drum some sense into me and tell me why I shouldn’t let him live with me for three months!

We have been dating for four months. He is warm and kind. He was made redundant, it’s very expensive to live here and there is a job that he can take any time in another country but it’s a big step down. He’s said if we try living together for three months he’ll do anything to make it work. I was obviously against it as it isn’t sensible at all, but he’s given examples of how nice it would be, how he would give me space etc. and it’s really made me consider it.

Please tell me why this isn’t a movie and it’s better to make myself sad by letting him leave!

^

This!!

I think him moving in with you too soon is likely to kill off your relationship. You will be constantly wondering if he is just taking advantage and you don't know each other well enough. It wouldn't be a romantic decision.

Too soon.

I completely agree and the fact that OP is even thinking about it just goes to show he’s picked the right person for the job.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with him going up to Scotland for a few months and having a LDR until he can find something more local.

The fact that this isn’t an option says it all really.

What?! It’s only Scotland?
I thought you meant like another continent, where it would be difficult to ever come back and find another job here, and would involve visa issues and all sorts.
But that’s not the case so why would you EVER consider this.

He takes the other job and you’re still in the same, very small, island. And he can look for a job in the south of England whilst he works the other job in Scotland.
you’re not ‘shopping him off’ anywhere, it’s literally still the UK.

if you would break up because you don’t want to travel to him short term whilst he finds something else then you’re not that invested anyway. It’s only the first few months, you should be gagging to see each other still. When DH and I first got together I would make journeys of around 8-10 hours just for a day or two of being with him, and vice versa.
I don’t think you should let him move in.

How can he pay you rent/bills if he’s been made redundant and can’t afford to live in the area?

It doesn’t make sense if he’s having to move all the way to Scotland for work, yet can somehow find work and money to pay your rent and bills.

If that’s the case he could stay local and find a house share.

No I wouldn't do this. Let him move. If it's meant to be u will survive as a couple

Thank you for all the replies. You have made me feel like my gut decision is the right one. “Freeloading off my success” resonated with me and the fact that he’s in his 30s and doesn’t have a career.

To answer some questions:
It seem like strange or convenient/inconvenient timing. At the moment he rents a room, in Scotland he would have more privacy and not have to clean up after everyone. His contract wasn’t renewed because it’s the type of job where you can get someone from a cheaper country to do the work cheaper even though the quality is worse. My job is kind of similar and I work with companies in other countries (I’m freelance) so that rings true.

He showed me an email about his nationality status, I can’t remember the details but he has the extra three years (I think it’s three) to stay in the UK. He has a European passport along with the one from his home country.

I’ve said to him it isn’t fair to put this decision on me, that if it doesn’t work out he can just leave (but I can’t) and that it solves problems for him but not me. He apologised. I think you’re all right that if he did feel strongly enough he would make something work down here and wait until moving in makes more sense (I will put that to him)

It’s because living with me would be a bit cheaper than renting a room as I don’t live in the city. His deliveries would cover that but it isn’t enough to rent a room unless the house is in a horrible state and you are sharing with 5+ people

Perhaps you’re right, but I just don’t want a LDR. I never have. For me the joy of a relationship is spending lots of time together, doing the little daily life things. I’m just not much of a traveller and a relationship where I spend most of my time missing someone isn’t appealing to me.
In this situation he would be the one leaving and I have more responsibilities so I would expect him to be the one travelling to me (perhaps that’s unreasonable and maybe why I shouldn’t enter into a LDR anyway)

The way I'm seeing this usbthat he wants somewhere cheap to stay for 3 months and will then be off to work for his mate...

Sorry

I personally would try the LDR, if it’s not for you then call it a day.

It’s never a good idea to move in with someone because you have to.
It should only ever be because you want to.

If you can afford your own bills then having a relationship and keeping your own space is the ultimate goal, as then you get the best of both worlds.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

He's using you for your financial position. Don't do it.

@Sezza57325 Any children in the mix?

The relationship dynamic will totally change if he lives with you rent-free. You'll be his mum. Don't do it.

Dear god no.

4 months is nothing.

You do not know him. All you've seen is best behaviour, early days, and also doing whatever's needed to try to get you do agree.

You like him, fancy him, are getting on well.

Give it a year - what's he like at Christmas, on holiday, with your friends, your family, animals, when things go wrong, health scares, setbacks, birthdays, anniversary ...

If he turns out not to be Prince Charming when the early days glow has worn off it will be 1000 times harder to get him out of your home.

I also started dating an unemployed professional who was doign deliveey work during the pandemic. All I can say is DONT let him push your boundaries of how fast you want to move. If he's like my ex he will be love bombing you know so that he can become a cock lodger (I wasn't on Mumsnet then so didn't know the term!) he totally changed after we moved in together he was a lazy and moody video games addict and drank far too much. I realized this around the same time I found out I was pregnant (a baby that he told me he had a primal urge to conceive with me because he'd never been
So in love like this). Look at my user name!!

Men often end up resenting the woman who supported them through tough times and actually leave when things are settled, rather than being so grateful like we'd expect them to be.

It MIGHT be that this is the one and he's just going through a bad time but you need to protect yourself till you know him much better.

Exactly what I thought

I thought when you said another country you meant the US or Asia somewhere. Scotland is only up the rd. He could even commute it. Your relationship can survive that. It may not survive jumping in too soon.

He's got no job. He'll be a cocklodger.

I did this 17 years ago.

I met a guy in January, he lost his job and was then doing some ad hoc bar work to pay for his room. He then had to move out as the area became very unsafe. He was going to move abroad for more opportunities.

This was around 10 weeks after we had met. I did know some friends who had known him for a few years so he was "vouched for" in a way.
He moved in with me. He started to study for professional qualifications that would give him a better job in our area (he had been living somewhere else for quite a while before he moved "home" and his initial qualifications aren't as in demand in this part of the world)

By October we bought a house together and we have now been married for 15 years, have DC and are extremely happy.

I knew I could always ask him to leave as it was my house he moved into. I was on the mortgage and he paid bills not rent so he had no claim on anything. But there was something there that I hadn't felt with any past relationships so for me it was the right choice; I know a lot of people thought it was mad at the beginning but now concede it was the perfect choice..

We have been dating for four months.

This is why you shouldn't. You barely know him.

He’s said if we try living together for three months he’ll do anything to make it work.

Translation: You'll never be able to kick the fucker out if it doesn't work, as he won't go willingly.

After 4 months?!?

Do you think the OP is a rabbit or something?

if its meant to be and he genuinely cares for you, it will work even if he moves to Scotland.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist I'm assuming both the OP and the man concerned have had previous lives and relationships?