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Original poster

Why should I let this man stay with me for 3 months?

166 replies

Sezza57325 · 25/09/2023 10:08

Oh the title should say “Why SHOULDN’T I let this man stay with me”!

Please drum some sense into me and tell me why I shouldn’t let him live with me for three months!

We have been dating for four months. He is warm and kind. He was made redundant, it’s very expensive to live here and there is a job that he can take any time in another country but it’s a big step down. He’s said if we try living together for three months he’ll do anything to make it work. I was obviously against it as it isn’t sensible at all, but he’s given examples of how nice it would be, how he would give me space etc. and it’s really made me consider it.

Please tell me why this isn’t a movie and it’s better to make myself sad by letting him leave!

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 25/09/2023 11:02

If you have a future you don't need to rush it now.

Let him go, visit him while he's out there, see how you feel...

toomanyleggings · 25/09/2023 11:03

If you find a man on a bike, send him off on his bike. Congrats. You’ve got yourself a wannabe cocklodger. Let him go, sort his finances out and he’ll come back if it’s meant. He’ll have more respect for you. If you let him into your home he’ll either doss about and you’ll hate him or he’ll use you to get himself into a better position then ditch you for someone he thinks is better

YukoandHiro · 25/09/2023 11:04

"I’m not the type to have strong feelings or move quickly in a relationship, I guess that’s why I’m confused here"

That makes it worse OP. You're acting out of character. He's really done one on you.

If he moves in you'll be subsidising him forever. M

Interested in this thread?

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Dating General relationships
RedHelenB · 25/09/2023 11:04

I'd give it a go as long as he set up a standing order for half rent and bills. After 4 months I knew I'd marry and that he was the one

RedHelenB · 25/09/2023 11:05

RedHelenB · 25/09/2023 11:04

I'd give it a go as long as he set up a standing order for half rent and bills. After 4 months I knew I'd marry and that he was the one

Unless you have children at home in which case definitely not.

MrsDrDear · 25/09/2023 11:05

No man loves your more than one who needs somewhere to live.

Adreno · 25/09/2023 11:07

Over the years, I’ve been amazed at how many men manage to lose a job just when they meet a woman who comes with accommodation.

OP, I don’t understand why the only job he can do is at the absolute opposite end to the country to where you are. Surely there are jobs closer?

pinkyredrose · 25/09/2023 11:07

He’s said if we try living together for three months he’ll do anything to make it work.

Cocklodger alert!

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 25/09/2023 11:07

Growlybear83 · 25/09/2023 10:42

I don't think four months is too soon at all, if you have really really strong feelings for him. My husband and I got our first flat together about two months after we met because we knew we were right for each other. That was 48 years ago and I've never had a day's regret.

Unfortunately you're the only person who can judge how sincere he is about his feelings for you, and about your feelings for him. All the people who will tell you it's too soon,he's taking the piss etc don't know him or you.

But your situation was different, in that you both wanted to make a move, and you set up your new lives as a mutually decision and I presume, expense. OP has been faced with an ultimatum, either move this bloke WHO HAS NO STEADY INCOME into her flat,,or wave him goodbye.
PP don’t think this is as romantic as sudden and lasting passion.

anareen · 25/09/2023 11:08

YukoandHiro · 25/09/2023 11:04

"I’m not the type to have strong feelings or move quickly in a relationship, I guess that’s why I’m confused here"

That makes it worse OP. You're acting out of character. He's really done one on you.

If he moves in you'll be subsidising him forever. M

This is a VERY valid point! Huge indicators of live bombing

sodthesodoff · 25/09/2023 11:13

Oh they all promise the world before they move in...

Jesus. Why are you even contemplating this. I have cheese older than this relationship.

What happens after this magical three months? He's suddenly able to work there?

Let him go. Beware any man who gives ultimatums. It's either this or nothing. It's a threat. Made to put you on the back foot and worry about 'missing out'

You're not missing out on anything.

martinisforeveryone · 25/09/2023 11:15

On instinct I'd say that if you aren't at least prepared to try a LDR while he builds up his finances and improves his English language skills, then you really aren't as committed to him as you may think.

LakeTiticaca · 25/09/2023 11:16

No way. Does he have cocklodger tattooed across his forehead?
What if he turns nasty? Its true to say you never know someone until you've lived with them. I know this to my (massive) cost.
Anything could happen, you could decide its not working out and he refuses to move out?
Way too many red flags

TomatoSandwiches · 25/09/2023 11:22

He's love bombed you, stop being silly and tell him no, absolutely not.
This man has targeted you, he is an utter shit and if you were ever daft enough to move him in he would change very very quickly into your worst nightmare.

Please don't be stupid, you don't owe him anything.

Sunshinenrain · 25/09/2023 11:23

Honestly, I think you’re being used.

I think it’s very convenient his job is ending and he either has to live with you or never see you ever again - I’m sorry but that’s BS.

He can either move to Scotland and you see each other EOW or something into you’ve gotten to know each other.

Or he moves somewhere less expensive but closer than Scotland.

It doesn’t make sense that his only 2 options are either living with you or moving to the other side of the country.

Perhaps for now he should move to Scotland to maintain and income and then look for jobs closer to where you live but in a cheaper area.

Sunshinenrain · 25/09/2023 11:26

martinisforeveryone · 25/09/2023 11:15

On instinct I'd say that if you aren't at least prepared to try a LDR while he builds up his finances and improves his English language skills, then you really aren't as committed to him as you may think.

Absolute this!

And vice versa too.

It would be pretty easy for 2 adults with no children to have a long distance relationship but the fact that neither of you want to do that, shows that neither of you are that serious about each other.

HideousKinky · 25/09/2023 11:27

If he really is a decent man, he would not be trying to persuade you to do this and would respect your reservations about it as wholly reasonable.

What proof do you have that any of the details (about the job, redundancy etc) that he has told you are true?

TheGoddessFrigg · 25/09/2023 11:28

Congratulations- you have found a hobosexual!

Nuca · 25/09/2023 11:29

I'm going to come at this with my experience but I understand we are definitely in a small minority. DH and I moved in together after 3 months of dating. We spent most evenings and weekends together anyway, were both renting seperate places but hardly staying there and thought it just made sense to see how it went. But we did both have stable well paying jobs and weren't reliant on the other. And if it had gone wrong we were both able to afford somewhere on our own separately if needed. Also we were both moving into a new rented property, rather than one of us moving into one that the other owned

It was a massive risk and I understand why most people would advise against it, but it was 8 years ago and we're now married. I don't think I would have done it if he didn't have a stable income or if there was any sign that he was expecting me to pay for everything

pinkyredrose · 25/09/2023 11:30

Adreno · 25/09/2023 11:07

Over the years, I’ve been amazed at how many men manage to lose a job just when they meet a woman who comes with accommodation.

OP, I don’t understand why the only job he can do is at the absolute opposite end to the country to where you are. Surely there are jobs closer?

Yup!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 25/09/2023 11:33

If it’s not working during or after the three months he will take the job in another country as the company is owned by a friend

Oh he will, will he? once he's comfortably settled in your place and he's 'doing anything to make it work' he'll uproot himself to another country, will he?

GingerIsBest · 25/09/2023 11:34

Nuca · 25/09/2023 11:29

I'm going to come at this with my experience but I understand we are definitely in a small minority. DH and I moved in together after 3 months of dating. We spent most evenings and weekends together anyway, were both renting seperate places but hardly staying there and thought it just made sense to see how it went. But we did both have stable well paying jobs and weren't reliant on the other. And if it had gone wrong we were both able to afford somewhere on our own separately if needed. Also we were both moving into a new rented property, rather than one of us moving into one that the other owned

It was a massive risk and I understand why most people would advise against it, but it was 8 years ago and we're now married. I don't think I would have done it if he didn't have a stable income or if there was any sign that he was expecting me to pay for everything

Edited

But this is a totally different scenario. I know more than one couple who did something similar, including my own parents. But the difference is that they chose to move in together (and get married, in my parents case) because they were so much in love, not because otherwise one person was going to leave the country and abandon the other. And they moved in together as equals - both benefiting financially, emotionally, practically from the arrangement. this is not the same where one person would immediately require 100% support and that is the ONLY reason driving this decision.

And the fact that he's guilting her after just 3 months is a huge problem.

PinkRoses1245 · 25/09/2023 11:39

God no. he won't leave.

CornishTiger · 25/09/2023 11:40

No one falls in love quicker than someone needing accommodation…. Just no!

Bemyclementine · 25/09/2023 11:40

Where does he live now?

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