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Original poster

Why should I let this man stay with me for 3 months?

166 replies

Sezza57325 · 25/09/2023 10:08

Oh the title should say “Why SHOULDN’T I let this man stay with me”!

Please drum some sense into me and tell me why I shouldn’t let him live with me for three months!

We have been dating for four months. He is warm and kind. He was made redundant, it’s very expensive to live here and there is a job that he can take any time in another country but it’s a big step down. He’s said if we try living together for three months he’ll do anything to make it work. I was obviously against it as it isn’t sensible at all, but he’s given examples of how nice it would be, how he would give me space etc. and it’s really made me consider it.

Please tell me why this isn’t a movie and it’s better to make myself sad by letting him leave!

OP posts:
Nuca · 25/09/2023 11:40

@GingerIsBest yeah tbh after I posted I did think I don't know why I even posted that because it's not very similar to op's scenario ha

AnxiousPangolin · 25/09/2023 11:41

He’s an adult, he can find his own accommodation. He is not your responsibility. He’s only asked because it’s an easy option for him.

He says he will ‘do anything to make it work’ which is Cocklodger for ‘I’ll be on my best behaviour until my feet are under the table’.

CornishTiger · 25/09/2023 11:42

So is he foreign too?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
Whataretheodds · 25/09/2023 11:46

Sezza57325 · 25/09/2023 10:15

He does have income but it’s not a steady job (mainly deliveries). If it’s not working during or after the three months he will take the job in another country as the company is owned by a friend.

Exactly, I feel it’s far too soon. But he’s different to other people I’ve dated and I can’t help thinking we could have a future together 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Show quote history

Even more reason for him to take the other job now.

paulinewalnuts · 25/09/2023 11:47

No way.

takeyourshitsomewhereelse · 25/09/2023 11:51

He's manipulating you telling you there's a job waiting in Scotland for him. Sounds like he's saying if he can't live with you he'll be off to Scotland. Do not do this

historyrepeatz · 25/09/2023 11:51

Do you know the former job actually existed? You live in an expensive part of the UK but he worked from home for a company abroad and was able to make sufficient income to live here? What job and country as it would have to be a really good job in most countries to earn sufficient income for here? Did he actually rent his own place and you know this for a fact? On minimum wage can someone rent a room in your area? What's his visa situation if any? How much of what he has told you about himself could you 100% say with confidence is true? His pushiness would concern me.

CurlewKate · 25/09/2023 11:52

@Sezza57325 You haven't said if there are children involved.

JudgeRudy · 25/09/2023 11:53

I'm unsure of his reasoning so I'm assuming he's presenting it as
I have real feelings for you and think our relationship could go the distance. If I take this job in another country, realistically that's the end of us. If you feel the same way about me and think there's potential then let me stay with you till I sort things out.

OK, nothing wrong with any of the above and let's assume its all true and your feelings for each other are real..this is not the only solution. He's 2 suggestions just off the top of my head.

He rents a room and lives in relative poverty for a while. He stats over at yours and you take things slowly. He improves his job prospects...you get on...one day you decided that he doesn't go home to the bedsit

He takes the job abroad. You stay in touch and if both of you feel the same after 3months he comes back to the UK.

If youre solo (without children) and you want to take the risk for love do so. Wirst casexscenario you get your heart broken and 6 months of stress. Before you do though consider the following. Is he a British National? If not does he have a work permit and indefinite leave to stay? Are you 55 and he's 30? Would marriage benefit him greatly? Is it love?

Most importantly...if you have children it's a big fat no!

Hummingbird233 · 25/09/2023 11:58

How do you even know he had the job he claimed to before?

Massive red flags. Unless you're early 20s, I don't understand how he's gotten into the position where he's asking a women if he can move in after 16 weeks of knowing her.

You absolutely will live to regret it if you allow this.

Do the LDR thing for a year, if it works out, you can revisit the idea of him finding a better paid job where you are and move in together.

hellohelp · 25/09/2023 11:58

RosiePosiePuddin2 · 25/09/2023 10:18

The fact he is even putting you in this position after just 4 months says everything you need to know about him.

Yep, this this this!!!!!!
Do not do this you're asking for a cocklodger and writing mug on your forehead at the same time

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 25/09/2023 11:59

So he’s lovebombed you in the 4 months you’ve known him and he’s pulling the “if you don’t let me live with you I’m off to another country”.

How convenient for him to move in with you when he has no job. The fact you’ve posted on here means you already know this isn’t right, he’s done such a good job on you that you are doubting yourself.

If he’s true then you saying no will not phase him. If he sulks/ghosts you, you have had a lucky escape.

Cockmigrant · 25/09/2023 11:59

We have been dating for four months. He is warm and kind. He was made redundant, it’s very expensive to live here and there is a job that he can take any time in another country but it’s a big step down. He’s said if we try living together for three months he’ll do anything to make it work. I was obviously against it as it isn’t sensible at all, but he’s given examples of how nice it would be, how he would give me space etc. and it’s really made me consider it

This is classic hobosexual behaviour. I've posted about this many times on here.
A hobosexual is someone who either very rapidly falls in love with a new partner or escalates a current relationship with a fairly new partner because they have encountered some kind of "accommodation emergency" - this could be because the landlord is kicking them out/they can't afford the rent/they've been crashing at a friend's and friend has got pissed off with them/parents have had enough of them etc. In other words they need somewhere to live. This is often associated with an "employment emergency" where they have sadly lost their job/not had their contract renewed/been bullied by a manager and had to quit and it's always through no fault of their own of course.

When this happens they look around for some mug someone who might be able to accommodate them (without them having to pay their way properly). This is usually a partner. They make all the right noises, love bomb a bit, pile on the emotional pressure and so on and so forth. They also make the right noises about paying their way and it's only going to be for 3 months etc.

The hobosexual then moves in with the partner. This is when they develop into a cocklodger. The person they choose to move in with is always financially stable - it's often a woman with her own property and a good job. Once established in the home they again make all the right noises about looking for work but don't make much effort really - what's the point? They are having all their needs met, have a roof over their heads etc.

Nah, OP, send him off to Scotland otherwise you'll have him leeching off you for ever. Once they get their feet under the table it's difficult to get them out because they'll have convenient mental health crises as soon as you start suggesting they make more of an effort to get a job and contribute.

Clymene · 25/09/2023 12:01

Does he have residency in the U.K. if he's from another country?

MariePaperRoses · 25/09/2023 12:03

Only dated four months and he is unemployed.

That's a massive NO.

MariePaperRoses · 25/09/2023 12:05

What self respecting man would foist himself into the home of a woman when he is out of work.

He has loser written all over him.

Natty13 · 25/09/2023 12:06

Very simple - the fact you have this much guilt and stress over saying no to him moving in in the first place means you will find it absolutely impossible to deal with the difficulty of navigating getting him to move out if it doesnt work for whatever reason.

There is a huge potential for you to regret letting him move in - you might not get on, he might be terrible to live with, he might fail to find a job and be stuck with no means to pay his way being the main ones - but if he is already in your house you will find it impossible to have those conversations around kicking him out.

If you arent really comfortable and confident saying no to people you cannot do big favours for anyone until you learn that skill or else you are vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

JudgeRudy · 25/09/2023 12:07

GingerIsBest · 25/09/2023 11:01

Sorry, but this is another red flag: His contract ended and wasn’t renewed after we met.

Why wasn't it renewed?

I wouldn't see that as a red flag at all in many sectors. OP used the word redundant but it sounds more like the contract simply came to an end. I've had jobs (civil eng/construction) where I've worked somewhere for say 6months until the project is completed then I'm out of a job. Similar with teaching, mat cover etc.

thescab · 25/09/2023 12:08

He would either pay rent or all my bills so he wouldn’t be living here for free. But I’ve told him I want it to be for the right reasons not financial ones.

Well, there you go then. This would be for financial reasons, (and not even your financial reasons), therefore the wrong ones..

QueenBitch666 · 25/09/2023 12:09

You'd be insane to agree to this

TheFretfulPorpentine · 25/09/2023 12:11

Natty13 · 25/09/2023 12:06

Very simple - the fact you have this much guilt and stress over saying no to him moving in in the first place means you will find it absolutely impossible to deal with the difficulty of navigating getting him to move out if it doesnt work for whatever reason.

There is a huge potential for you to regret letting him move in - you might not get on, he might be terrible to live with, he might fail to find a job and be stuck with no means to pay his way being the main ones - but if he is already in your house you will find it impossible to have those conversations around kicking him out.

If you arent really comfortable and confident saying no to people you cannot do big favours for anyone until you learn that skill or else you are vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

This. He has identified you as a soft touch I'm afraid.

Aquestioningmind · 25/09/2023 12:16

If I am right, HE suggested moving in with you? After three months?? Ignoring any other red flags, he’s shooting his shot to see how much you’ll put up with in the future and how much money he can swindle out of you.

Might as well stick his name on the mortgage/deeds if you move him in tbh.

I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. TBH after that suggestion I’d be dumping him.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/09/2023 12:23

RosiePosiePuddin2 · 25/09/2023 10:18

The fact he is even putting you in this position after just 4 months says everything you need to know about him.

This. A decent man wouldn't prevail upon you.

Four months?! You barely know him. Don't get starstruck.

As they say, "no man falls in love so fast as one who needs a place to live."

Cockmigrant · 25/09/2023 12:25

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/09/2023 12:23

This. A decent man wouldn't prevail upon you.

Four months?! You barely know him. Don't get starstruck.

As they say, "no man falls in love so fast as one who needs a place to live."

Show quote history

Your last statement is so so true.
Hobosexual.

Thoughtful2355 · 25/09/2023 12:25

Personally i would get the ick from a grown man not having stable accomodation or career So i would be wanting to see all of those things before he could come and live with me. He isnt freeloading off of my success FK no.