Why should I let this man stay with me for 3 months?

[Sezza57325]

Oh the title should say “Why SHOULDN’T I let this man stay with me”!

Please drum some sense into me and tell me why I shouldn’t let him live with me for three months!

We have been dating for four months. He is warm and kind. He was made redundant, it’s very expensive to live here and there is a job that he can take any time in another country but it’s a big step down. He’s said if we try living together for three months he’ll do anything to make it work. I was obviously against it as it isn’t sensible at all, but he’s given examples of how nice it would be, how he would give me space etc. and it’s really made me consider it.

Please tell me why this isn’t a movie and it’s better to make myself sad by letting him leave!

Hell no

You must know my father 🫣

Honestly Op it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
In 3 months when he hasn’t got a job and you’ve been lovebombed by him will you still be able to send him packing?

If he does deliveries (which are booming) why has he been made redundant?

Moving in together because one of the partners is basically becoming homeless is NEVER a good idea.

My parents were high school sweethearts for all of 2 months, then spent years on other continents in the 1970s, when they stayed in touch writing letters and very occasional phone calls before getting married years later! If this guy is a keeper and you have a future together, this won't affect your relationship at all, especially if he says he'll do anything to make it work (do the travelling, phone calls, emails, communication).

Or does that mean he'll only do anything to make it work...if you let him move in with you.

Also why do you say that it's you that is "shipping him off"? You're not involved in his work life, make sure you don't think that you're making any of these decisions.

I don't think four months is too soon at all, if you have really really strong feelings for him. My husband and I got our first flat together about two months after we met because we knew we were right for each other. That was 48 years ago and I've never had a day's regret.

Unfortunately you're the only person who can judge how sincere he is about his feelings for you, and about your feelings for him. All the people who will tell you it's too soon,he's taking the piss etc don't know him or you.

What a bastard!
Imagine the genders were reversed, can you even imagine a guy asking his gf to come and stay while she sorts out her job and finances!!!

It would be a crazy idea because after three months then what happens if you say “this isn’t working”?

He then becomes a guy who “gave up a job in Scotland for you” and then you’d be the one “making him homeless” after that. I don’t think that you’d be making him homeless btw, but I bet that’s how it would be put.

If you’re so much of a people pleaser that you’re considering it then you’d be stuck with him forever I’d bet.

Another who’s going to post again to check I have this right-

he had/has a well paying job for your area. He has been made redundant from that job.

to tide him over, he’s got some delivery/low paid work in your town.

he hasn’t been able to find a new job like the one he’s been made redundant from.

he currently lives elsewhere (alone or shared?) and needs to move out now.

you’ve only been dating 4 months, you own your own place and he’s asked to move in.

have I got anything wrong?

so my questions are:
when did he get made redundant- was it before or after you met?

why does he need to move out his current home? Has he not got savings/redundancy payment to keep him afloat while he looks for a new job the same level as the one he’s lost? or has he already gone through those savings/payout?

Are there any jobs similar to the one he’s lost in your area or realistically is he going to have to do something completely new or only earn a low wage long term?

Moving to the other side if the country in a 3 months relationship would be just as crazy!!

Maybe even more in that you’d be giving up your job and your house for hope.
Plus ofc you’d be moving in with him….

If its not a relationship that makes both of you willing to put the effort in long distance then there's absolutely no chance he should live with you.

On to the next one!

No one falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live

This! They play the part well when they need something from you.

No one falls in love faster than a man who somewhere to live

sooo true!!!
My dad has a friend like this!!! Boils my blood!!! He moves in very early then she realises why he was kicked out of the previous house and throws him out and he finds another lady to move in within months sometimes weeks and the cycle continues!! Never had a place of his own and in his 50s!! Disgusting really!!

This is straight out of the cocklodger playbook.

He needs to sort out his own bloody life.

You don’t need to deal with the regret of shipping him off. Maybe actually play it out in your head as it would actually have been - no decent man would even consider asking this.

OP, can we please have a little more context? Where is he living at the moment? Does he have no savings or redundancy payout to tide him over until he finds a new job? Why is Scotland the only other option? Surely he can look for another job similar to the one he's being made redundant from?

For me personally 4 months would be way too soon. You don't know each other properly yet. If I moved in with someone it would have to be a natural progression, not forced due to economic circumstances.

I'm with @LimeCheesecake. If he can afford to pay your rent or bills, he can afford his own house share. Or maybe the friend or relative who said go for it could put a roof over his head?

This sounds like emotional blackmail on his part if I'm honest.I think he knows the depths of your feelings and is using them to his advantage.Surely he can get a houseshare or bedsit for the time being to see how his work pans out?.
Even if I'm wrong and he is a good man and you're happy together,won't it will be a lot harder to say goodbye to him after living with him for 3 months than it will be if he left for Scotland now while the relationship is still very new and you haven't lived together?
If he really wanted to be with you he would do anything to make that happen and Scotland isn't that far when you really think about it.
I would proceed with caution OP.

If he likes you sooooo much, why doesn't he stay in his current accomodation/find a cheap house share and keep seeing you while he looks for a better job?

He's basically given you an ultimatum - let me move in or I'm leaving forever!

And the reason why you feel so strongly towards him is because he's love bombed you and messed with your head so your boundaries are all blurred. Which you will totally see clearly once you step back from this guy.

He could have targeted you to get somewhere to stay. He may be love bombing you.

You don’t know him.

His contract ended and wasn’t renewed after we met. I guess maybe this doesn’t mean made redundant so he didn’t get a payout.
Good point about the savings, he does have some but is going through them very fast because it’s so expensive to live here.

His job was in his native language (WFH) and his English is good but not brilliant. At the moment he has a delivery job and a bit of WFH work like his previous but not much.

The Scotland job is with his friend’s company so he can join any time. He would get a room and food for free, hourly pay is more than I make myself and Scotland is massively cheaper to live

I think his language skills are the main barrier to getting work down here. I don’t know how anyone survives on or near minimum wage

I met a woman year and years ago when travelling. We hit it off, spent the next 3 months travelling together as a couple. We lived in different countries so a couple of months after we got home she came to stay with me for 3 months.

It was a disaster. Because we hadn't moved in together as such we both felt on unequal footings. We didn't know each other well enough to be able to work through the issues that came up, and we ended up grinning and bearing it for the last month until she went home. We broke up soon after.

It really wasnt the long distance that did us in, it was being in others space that much that soon.

It's not exactly the same situation as yours but it's similar enough that I really wouldn't recommend it. 4 months in is too soon, you don't know each other all that well, and your relationship probably won't take the strain.

This feels very extreme. His ONLY options are to move to Scotland, or move in with you? When was he made redundant - does he not have any redundancy funds? Where is he living currently - if he can afford to pay rent/bills at your place, why can't he find something like a lodger situation for a month or two while he finds a new job? Why is Scotland the ONLY option? Similarly, why is delivery jobs so limited - around here (SE), there's constant signs up looking for delivery drivers etc.

Does he not have family/friends he could go to? I mean, a bit of sofa surfing for a month while he finds somewhere with, sure, the odd night at yours. But this all-or-nothing vibe is just ridiculous.

You say he's "kind and warm" but that's a bit vague. I mean, w while he was working, did he pay his way? Treat you? When he stays over at yours currently, is he the perfect houseguest - pays his way, does his share of the tidying up etc?

Why do you have to 'ship him off'? Can't you carry on dating him while he lives in a rented room elsewhere? Or is he making it a binary alternative?

Sorry, but this is another red flag: His contract ended and wasn’t renewed after we met.

Why wasn't it renewed?