Why should I let this man stay with me for 3 months?

[Sezza57325]

Oh the title should say “Why SHOULDN’T I let this man stay with me”!

Please drum some sense into me and tell me why I shouldn’t let him live with me for three months!

We have been dating for four months. He is warm and kind. He was made redundant, it’s very expensive to live here and there is a job that he can take any time in another country but it’s a big step down. He’s said if we try living together for three months he’ll do anything to make it work. I was obviously against it as it isn’t sensible at all, but he’s given examples of how nice it would be, how he would give me space etc. and it’s really made me consider it.

Please tell me why this isn’t a movie and it’s better to make myself sad by letting him leave!

Do you have children OP?

Nobody falls in love quicker than a man that needs somewhere to live.
Come on OP. Really? You cant think this is a good idea.

This. This is the crux of it.
A decent man wouldn't suggest it. They would move away and try to make it work long distance if they couldn't sustain living nearby. NO RESPECTABLE MAN would ask to move in after 4 months of knowing each other

Do NOT do this. Do NOT do this!

Do you have family/friends? Why aren't they screaming in your ears DO NOT DO THIS ?

Interesting title, I will take a look! None of my friends would describe me in that way but I feel strongly about this guy which is the only reason I’m considering it. I’m not the type to have strong feelings or move quickly in a relationship, I guess that’s why I’m confused here

Hard no.

No, he says he'll pay your rent or all your bills. From his unreliable delivery job.

'Warm and kind' guys who are reliable don't relentlessly pressure someone they've been dating for 3 months and who has already told them no. If he's so great, he'd have other options, or would find them.

If he's great, he'll understand and respect your view. If he says this is it, you don't need to feel regret as he's shown you his true colours - or if you're still sad about the loss of the fantasy version, you can comfort yourself by reflecting that out only lost 3 months and thinking how much more regret you'd feel if you took him in and couldn't get rid of him.

It is overly dramatic. Why can’t he get a job similar to the one he’s been made redundant from? The assumption seems to be as he’s lost that job, that’s it, low paid work or move to Scotland. He could look for another job similar to the one he’s got. Even if that meant a bit further away from you, but still commutable.

be prepared if you say no that he a)dumps you and then b) doesn’t move to Scotland but finds another job in your area.

If you both find it too hard to be apart, then he can apply for jobs here from wherever he is working then, and move back when he has something stable to offer you. If you’re meant to be together, you will come back to each other because nobody else will measure up. Relationships should have tests in them to see how strong they are.

But him moving in to your home after 4 months? Not a good way to start. It’s amazing how many men suddenly develop a strong case of commitment when they are served with an eviction notice or their tenancy comes to an end.

If he really cared about you, and having a strong, secure future together, would he be happy to move in and mooch off you, or would he want to start off on an equal footing and not put you at a disadvantage?

So if it does work do you both move or Scotland?

You haven't said if there are children involved.

I'm really confused. What's the point in him staying with you if he's moving to Scotland?

How come he didn't get redundancy pay? Where was he living before?

He's a wannabe cocklodger.

I don’t have children. I do have friends and family but a couple have suggested trying it to see if it works which surprised me!

How long is long distance? Are you UK based? So, say London to Edinburgh?
Flights are cheap and quick. Long distance can work if you're both willing to make the effort. If the effort isn't forthcoming then there is further reason why you should never have considered moving him in.
I can't believe I feel so strongly as to be commenting twice

I'm going to go against the grain slightly here. A friend of mine had to move out of her rented accommodation several years ago as the landlord suddenly decided to sell. She was in a fairly new relationship (3 months) and sofa-surfed for a fortnight. Her boyfriend suggested she moved in with him so that she could continue to work p/t and finish her studies.

At the start, I thought she was making a huge mistake as they barely knew each other. I know they had to really work at things, but it did work out. Four years later, they're happily married.

Your gut is your 2nd brain.
You are confused because your gut is not in agreement with your actual brain.
You have come to MN because there’s something niggling at you so you’re looking to us to help you decide. We are all saying No!
Don’t do it OP. Just don’t.

Don't do it !! Four months!?? Are you out of your mind??!!!

Of course not, you nutter. In fact, if you’re serious about the relationship, it’s the last thing you should do. I can’t tell you how many scenarios I know of where people moved in together far too soon because of Covid and bubbles, and it’s never worked out well.

AND the fact that he’s suggested it, in order to make his own life easier, and is trying to persuade you after you said no, is a big red flag for me.

I'd let him move in. You'll need to ask him his surname for the solicitor to put him on your deeds.
What could possibly go wrong?

What jumps out for me is that you’re even asking this question. For some reason your instincts are to step on the brakes and you’re trying to justify it.

Your instincts are there for a reason. If you’re in doubt step back.

out of interest, what kind of job will still be waiting for him if he dithers about it for 3 months? That seems a shabby way to treat a friend.

😂😂 thank you for commenting twice and being a voice of reason. I live very south of England and the job is north Scotland. I’m scared of flying but could maybe manage the train. But I don’t really want a LDR, it’s not something I signed up for and fear of flying will make it harder. So if he moved I would call it off (I don’t think he wants long distance either). I wouldn’t consider moving to Scotland.

You have decided you are doing it nothing we say will matter to you

Because you happen to be convenient?

Don’t move in a very new boyfriend when you don’t really want to, purely because you’re afraid of flying.

It's far too soon! Don't they say most people keep a facade going for like 3 or 6 months ? Something like that. You are approaching on that. Also this has been his idea it sounds like. Why is he trying to move this fast. Who moves in together after a few months of being in a relationship? I know people do it but how many times does it end up a healthy relationship. Think about that.

I am confused about the job thing? He could have a job at anytime in another country but taking that job is a step down? Does he have a job now? Without you allowing him to move in he will need to take this job because it's too expensive to live alone where you are? Thus meaning he would be moving away? That would be him guilt tripping you if so. Red flag.

Saying that if you do this 3 month trial period pretty much then he will do anything to make it work...... just no. Why can't he do that independent of moving in. Anyone who says things like that is bad news.

Definitely not. You barely know him and could be difficult to get rid.

Not true! I was against the idea from the start. MN has shown me I should stick to my instincts and he should respect that. The reason it’s come up again is because we said our goodbyes then I (maybe stupidly) messaged again to tell him I didn’t want him to go and there must be a third option. I wanted to be true to my feelings by telling him, but one of those feelings is that living together is a bad idea. It was only when he suggested three months rather than indefinitely that I started to wonder