Things girls need to be taught as soon as possible.

[Gettingbysomehow]

I'm sure this has been done before but:

Men are just ordinary people, they aren't going to rescue you, be your soul mate or necessarily be around for ever, they are not princes from fairy stories so don't live your life waiting for that fairy tale marriage.

Fairy tales don't exist, neither do happy ever afters, romance forever or any of those other things we are fed from a young age.

Never rely on a man, get a career, be ambitious.

Don't have more children than you can comfortably afford to raise on your own.

If you are very lucky you may get a nice man who you can rub along with for the rest of your life but 50% plus of marriages don't last.

Be selfish. Don't sacrifice your hopes and dreams for someone else, be who you want to be. Have boundaries. Have self respect. Don't allow yourself to be treated badly or taken for granted.

Learn how to manage your own life, bills, finances, everything.

The only person you can truly rely on is yourself.

Be happy, do things that make you happy.

I don’t think you can give these sorts of heavy, adult messages to little girls. And once they’re teens they won’t listen to a word you say, anyway.

The best thing you can do is model strong, boundaried, self respecting behaviour. I learned this from my Mum, who left my abusive Dad when we were kids, worked damn hard to raise us and then forged an interesting, fulfilling life for herself in middle and older age.

Love this from your mum 💪

And, number 3,

The money you earn yourself will feel ten times better than the money anyone else gives you

Be financially independent. Set up a savings account when you are little. A pension as soon as you start work. A fuck off account as soon as you get your first pay rise.

A fuck off account - eventually 6 to 12 months salary so you can tell your job/partner/housemate to fuck of if it comes to it

because the title of the thread is Things girls need to be taught as soon as possible. and not what boys need to be taught as soon as possible.

I'd have a whole lot of advice for boys along the lines of taking care of mental health, showing feelings, not having to be a sole provider for a family, to be supportive of their partner and not to buy into Toxic Masculinity.

However the thread is about girls. But of course that means we must always include boys because girls can never be considered unless we include boys. <eyeroll>

Self worth, self esteem, how to say no, when to put yourself first, when to take a step back, but most of all how to be self reliant and able to walk away from a relationship at any time and not be trapped because "he controls the finance" "I've been out of the workplace for 15 years" and so on

This is not my experience, nor the experience of most of my friends.

It may be true for many couples but it is by no means a given.

Just like the 50% divorce rate. The vast majority of my friends (late 30s/early 40s) have been married for 10+ years and are still in happy, stable relationships - outwardly, at least.

But @Brefugee with some nuance, and some exceptions, the better way ahead is to equip boys & girls with the same key messages & values. I think that's vital. Both sexes need to understand what is significant for happiness & responsible relationship, including those that could be more pertinent to the opposite sex

(I don't think the eye roll to the other poster was warranted).

Christ OP your post is exactly what I won’t be teaching my 12 year old DD. You clearly have issues with men in general.

I teach her to stand up for right and wrong, and that’s it’s ok to voice this in a constructive way.

Always stand up for yourself.

That she has the right to be listened to and to be heard.

That you can’t control how others act and behave, but she can control her own actions and behaviour.

Be respectful always

Sleep at night knowing you’ve done the best you can do on that day.

No means no

Always talk, share feelings and worries. A problem shared is a problem halved and nothing is ever impossible to fix

Don't agree at all. Just sounds like a bitter person that's come out of a bad relationship. Sorry if that's the case and you're hurting OP.

Just teach all of your children, whether boys or girls to be independent and not rely on anyone else for their own happiness.

I disagree the world has changed,girls are leading in education, women are strong independent, want to work, be in charge of their finances, if some men can't accept that that is their responsibility, its 2023 now society needs to accept this

yes, I know this. But the thread title is about girls. So i am responding about girls.

I don't agree with the OP, btw. And i don't have sons but i do have men in my life and i hope their parents are bringing them up with a good attitude.

But this is mumsnet, populated predominently by women. and if you read it for any length of time you do get the urge to bank your head against the desk time and time again. Most of the issues on the relationships board could be solved with:

-know your own worth
-be self-reliant (mentally and financially)
-you are not responsible for your partners feelings
-you are not responsible for 100% of the mental load
-you can say no
-sometimes you have to put other people first, sometimes you have to put yourself first
-any and all of the above might be different in your relationship if you both agree on the boundaries

etc etc

Assertiveness

"I would hope boys are told this too. I can't see why any of this is female exclusive."

It is exclusive to women and girls because it is NOT the societal message that girls are sent.

What you see around you is likely to have nothing to do with averages though.

50% of marriages is tte average. The fact you dint see it around you doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just means the people you see are part of the 50% still together.

Getting your own career I think is the most important.

I do agree with every point you make there @Brefugee

(And I know it to be true, in that had I had higher self-esteem & valued myself more I'd have made different choices with regard to my relationship).

@Gettingbysomehow i agree with you for most part.
I might not have put it this way (and some posters who said they disagree have imho say the same things in a more ‘gentle’ way).

If I had girls rather than boys, I’d have taught them to stay independent and to not accept that, when they become mothers (if they were choosing to), the default position is not to become the default parent and the default housekeeper.
Id also have taught them to not be naive and expect people, incl their SO, to hold their boundaries automatically but to hold them, expect respect, and not take NO for an answer.

We have taught our children, both boys and girls that the things to remember in life are

• you can tell us anything. Even if you think we will be angry, come to us. Because our love for you is stronger than any anger that we may have.
• always know your worth. If someone doesn't treat you right or value you, walk away.
•always trust your instincts. If it feels wrong or unsafe, it is.
• get a taxi home, even if you have no money on you. Don't take risks with your safety. There is always taxi fare in the kitchen. Use it. We keep it there so you can always get home safely.

@ActDottie why career? Not everyone needs or wants a career.
A job yes. And if society wasn't so snobby about jobs that are just jobs we wouldn't have "factories and warehouses full of foreigners working there" (not my words.... but comes out of the mouth of Daily Mail type readers all the time)

If I had girls rather than boys, I’d have taught them to stay independent and to not accept that, when they become mothers (if they were choosing to), the default position is not to become the default parent and the default housekeeper.

Again, this is pointless.

I certainly never intended to become the 'default' anything. I was independent, good career & married to a man who has domestically capable.

I didn't 'become' anything. However, due to the escalating abuse, I ended up a default parent in the important areas, and he used normal household tasks as a method of control and further abuse.

This top level instruction doesn't work.

It's the underpinning values & confidence, and the ability to, as much as possible, identify someone who genuinely shares these, that matters. This is done, not by instructions & generalisations, but as PP said, by lived example & many conversations about & with your D.C.

Fwiw to the posters who say, it’s not like this etc….

Ive inky had boys. I’ve tried to raise them to see women as equals. They saw their dad do a lot if the hw, parenting etc….
And still, as young as 8~9yo, they were coming back from school with stuff such as ‘women go shopping and buy stuff they don’t need whereas men only buy what they came up for’. Comments about mothers taking care of children and fathers being incapable (eg of remembering to pick up the child from after school club) etc etc
Those messages are rampant abd i e never found a way to fully fight them.

similar messages are given to girls, incl the fairy tale wedding stuff (just look at the marriage from the RF, stories from Disney etc… its everywhere). They are hard to fight against.

Brilliant. Especially 'come to us with anything'.

Trust your gut instinct.
Read widely and question things.
Eat healthily.
Try different sports and exercise till you find one you love.
Never stop learning.
Be financially aware.
Don't stay with a sexy, bad boy for long; it's all unnecessary melodrama.
Have a good, decent man (woman) as your life partner.
Travel on your own for a bit.
But be cautious in countries where women have less rights than you're used to.
And maybe, have a couple of flattering mirrors in your home (well-placed, good light etc).

Take school seriously, get the best qualifications you can and when you're making career-defining decisions do your research to find out which professions will suit you best and which pay the most. You may be surprised. A good estate agent can earn as much as a decent solicitor, for example. Aim as high as you can. When woman can pay their own way they have far greater choice and autonomy and more interesting lives.

Romantic love is a chemical state designed as an evolutionary survival technique: a rush of chemicals and hormones designed to ensure that people would have sex and continue the species. It can ambush you when you're young and inexperienced and end up casting a shadow for the rest of your life. Real love is shown in how someone treats you, how they show daily that they like and appreciate and respect you. It can look mundane from the outside, but it's the real thing.

The world makes a lot more sense, and you feel more and more comfortable in your skin, the older you get.

When a men shows or tells you what he's really like, don't make excuses for him — get out of there.

Say yes to HRT!

And still, as young as 8~9yo, they were coming back from school with stuff such as ‘women go shopping and buy stuff they don’t need whereas men only buy what they came up for’.

I've two sons. I've never heard rubbish like this from them.

Any hint of it, it was addressed & they understood the word 'misogyny' at a young age. (And correspondingly talk to me about misandry!)

@EarringsandLipstick and your experience us exactely the reason why it’s essential for women to keep their independence, as in a job, their own friends etc….
Because when shit hits the fan, you still have a network and the mean to support yourself. It’s making things easier. It’s allowing women to say Stuff It rather than accept stuff out if fear of being in poverty etc….