Things girls need to be taught as soon as possible.

[Gettingbysomehow]

I'm sure this has been done before but:

Men are just ordinary people, they aren't going to rescue you, be your soul mate or necessarily be around for ever, they are not princes from fairy stories so don't live your life waiting for that fairy tale marriage.

Fairy tales don't exist, neither do happy ever afters, romance forever or any of those other things we are fed from a young age.

Never rely on a man, get a career, be ambitious.

Don't have more children than you can comfortably afford to raise on your own.

If you are very lucky you may get a nice man who you can rub along with for the rest of your life but 50% plus of marriages don't last.

Be selfish. Don't sacrifice your hopes and dreams for someone else, be who you want to be. Have boundaries. Have self respect. Don't allow yourself to be treated badly or taken for granted.

Learn how to manage your own life, bills, finances, everything.

The only person you can truly rely on is yourself.

Be happy, do things that make you happy.

Applies to both boys and girls, but the utmost important thing to learn is:

Personal responsibility and self-sufficiency. Never ever ever make yourself financially dependent on anyone else, be it a partner, family or the State.

You only need to look at MN to see the utter mess people get themselves into by not adhering to this rule.

If you have children, you’re almost definitely going to end up doing the lion’s share of parenting and will shoulder most of the responsibility and worry. Parenting never ends, once you have a child you worry about them forever. Men can and do fuck off, cheat, turn into selfish arseholes and if you decide to split I can almost guarantee you will have a more difficult time as a single Mum than he will. Basically, don’t have children unless you’re happy to do most of the work.

Don't breed with low quality men.

Boys need positive messages too and many of those messages could easily apply to boys. However, they are mostly horrible "advice" coming from a very bitter woman by the, sounds of it. Imagine sitting a 12 year-old down and telling her "Be selfish, fairies tales don't exist, 50% of marriages end in divorce" and so on. Could actually be quite damaging.

I do find the "lalalal I'm not listening everything's fine" attitude on here really depressing. It's as if nobody ever reads the relationship board on here!

Don't trust women who use the word breeding. Building analogies between women and animals use to be a tactic of the patriarchy, it's just as damaging when deployed for other agendas.

I agree with this. Those approaches are incredibly pessimistic and frankly miserable.

girls need to be told that they have many option, should work hard to achieve at what they want to do - whether that’s a career or child rearing - and told that life often throws curveballs so they should be flexible and be ready to adapt if necessary. They won’t always get everything they want, but life is an adventure and you appreciate the good times more when you have bad times to compare them to.

This is my number 1 rule. Never depend on a man.

You see, this is the wrong approach. It's not that I disagree - I'm a single parent of 3, my ex was abusive in many ways, including financially, so even though I always worked, I ended up financially affected by his actions.

I work full-time in a reasonably senior role.

However, there are times and relationships where 'depending on a man' can happen - and be fine. (My DSis paused her successful career for a while when living abroad and they needed to adapt to care for a DC with additional needs.)

The key is having access to finance, a shared, agreed approach, trust, and a route back to work, as needed.

It's not just 'never depend' on a man.

I had a wise friend who remarked that if women really did look critically at many men then those men would be without relationships at all. Some of this is about an old expectation that any old bloke could get a woman on the basis of earning money and being a good provider. Now that is over and I am glad of it.

I think it's far better to teach our girls to be strong and confident in who they are and to use that strength and confidence wisely.

💯

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What does this even mean?

Boys can be taken in by the images of ripped, lean men in magazines too. Try to achieve the look. Newsflash - boys and men are real people with real feelings and not the enemy. Having said that, i don't hear these views irl just on MN from women with daughters.

Actual caring responsibilities aside why should one adult rely on another?

Isn't it time adults learn to stand on their own 2 feet?

told that life often throws curveballs so they should be flexible and be ready to adapt if necessary.

This is also so true.

For example, when I finally left my abusive marriage, I really had no idea how to proceed. I mean, I worked, raised my DC and all of that. But I was ashamed - this wasn't the life I planned & I couldn't see how to move ahead. I told very few people, was scared of the legal situation so allowed my ex to cause havoc for me. 10 years on I'm finally addressing it but regretting the financial mess I allowed continue and the 'lost' years (but also knowing I could only do what I was able to).

For my DC, I want them to know that whatever happens, they'll be ok. There are options, futures & possibilities & one difficulty or challenge, no matter how terrible it seems, will not define them.

A relationship is the definition of dependence.

In every relationship, each person 'depends' on another, in whatever way that is demonstrated.

Otherwise it's not a relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️

We have been together nearly 25 years I have never once felt dependent if course can't speak for anyone else

You are entitled to single sex spaces, sports and health care.

I think that there are lessons that boys and girls should learn

1. it's ok to say no. The number of posts on here where people's problems would be solved by saying no is massive. Being a people pleaser only benefits the people who want to take advantage. Saying no can be the "kind" option for everyone
2. putting your head in the sand is probably going to make things worse.
3. If someone has always acted a certain way then they are unlikely to be different. Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. Occasionally people change but they have been honest, analysed the past carefully and changed things so that they are unlikely to repeat behaviour.
4. what are red flags and taking note when you see them
5. Valuing yourself as much as your partner.
6. Not needing a good enough reason to break up. It's ok to break up because of any reason.
7. Staying together for the children is a fallacy. No child has been grateful for being the reason why their parents are unhappy and could grow up and repeat that pattern because their parents did.

And finally
Friendships and relationships should improve your life. There may be times when one person takes more but overall it should be equal give and take.

My advice: be really, really picky. Not because all men (or indeed women) are arseholes, but because it's better to be single than to be with someone who isn't right for you, and who doesn't genuinely enhance your life. Also, you don't owe anyone a date, never mind a relationship. And you can end a relationship for any reason you want, regardless of whether someone else would do so in your position.

Be the heroine of your own life, not the victim

Not me, Nora Ephron, but it’s a good one.

(I’d leave the second half off for little girls, on account of their lives hasn’t got to a place where that would occur to them)

"Don't have more children than you can comfortably afford to raise on your own."

I don't agree with this. Men share 50 per cent of the responsibility and following this advice would mean not having children for the vast majority of women. The change needs to be men doing better, not women just giving up on having a family altogether.

Also, other than you, the biggest factor in your life success will be your partner - so look at him/her with a clear eye -

are they going to lift you up or drag you down? Will they take on an equal share of house and child care, be your best friend, cheerleader and refuge?

If not, shag them by all means but do not partner up with them

We have been together nearly 25 years I have never once felt dependent if course can't speak for anyone else

Of course you are.

Your happiness at a point in time depends on him

You depend on him to (for example) pay his share of the bills, collect the kids, renew the car insurance, listen to you when you've good or bad news...

If you didn't depend on him for anything, you wouldn't be in a relationship. It's that trust and connection that defines a relationship.

It doesn't mean that if your marriage ended, you couldn't then become independent of him & take care of your needs otherwise (though if you have kids, I can tell you it's extremely hard if you can't depend on an ex, even to a small extent).