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Original poster

Don't know what to do pregnant and my husband says unhappy with sex life

253 replies

amyLF24 · 20/09/2023 21:13

Hey everyone.

I recently found out I was pregnant, I'm only 6 weeks. For further info I am 32F and my husband and I have been trying for two years, I finally fell pregnant it was a shock. I was anxious at first but I've been starting to feel really happy about it.

The issue is my husband mentioned a few days after I found out I was pregnant and now this week that he is unhappy with our sex life. He thinks it is too vanilla and he wants excitement. I asked him what it was that he was looking for. He then started going on about having sex with other people, swinging, having threesomes. I said I'm sorry but I wouldn't be happy with that, but if there are things that the two of us could do to make it more exciting that I would consider them.

He then said I know you just have a different mindset from me and I don't want to upset you. He then said obviously I need to think about whether that's an issue not being able to have sex with others and what we could do just us two to mitigate that.

I'm sitting there thinking I'm 6 weeks pregnant and now I am feeling very anxious about our relationship. I have no idea what to do. I want him to be able to talk to me about it but equally I said to him it's not just about upsetting me it's about my life too, like I'm sitting here 6 weeks pregnant and now feeling very anxious when I was happy about being pregnant. Telling all my family.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

OP posts:
truthhurts23 · 21/09/2023 09:32

I would have an abortion
he’s trying to tell you without really telling you that he wants to cheat, or is already cheating on you
he’s doing this now, because you being pregnant is forcing him to commit, he is resisting

IHopeThisFindsYouWell · 21/09/2023 09:32

God he's a horrible, horrible bastard. He's shown you his true colours.

Don't stay with him. He is not going to stay faithful to you, he's not going to treat you well going forward. He has chosen the most vulnerable moment to kick you rather than protect you. That's not someone to have in your life.

I would probably also terminate the pregnancy in order to truly break free from him, but I can understand if that feels impossibly hard to you and only you can know what to do about that.

Break away from him and tell trusted friends and family if you want to. Who cares if they think badly of him? They damn well should. If you were my daughter or my sister or friend I'd be devastated to hear this and do all I could to support you. Lean on the good people in your life.

Wishing you all the best.

Bananawotsit · 21/09/2023 09:34

It sounds like he has trapped you. He waited until you were pregnant to tell you he wants sex with other people?
and if you say no, he will have to think long and hard about the relationship?
get out now becasue he is using the “fact” you are “different” to him to justify cheating. Plus when a baby is born sex definitely gets put on the back burner.
i wonder if he is laying the groundwork in preparation to blame you for him cheating in the future??
I am really sorry.
I hope it is just cold feet but the fact he has waited just sickens me.
You are worth so much more than this man. Don’t let him make you think “vanilla” sex is wrong. It isn’t -it’s normal. If he wanted threesomes and swingers (perfectly fine too) he should have mentioned it from the start and not the second he has got you pregnant.

best of luck xxx

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Whatintheworldgirl · 21/09/2023 09:34

amyLF24 · 20/09/2023 21:13

Hey everyone.

I recently found out I was pregnant, I'm only 6 weeks. For further info I am 32F and my husband and I have been trying for two years, I finally fell pregnant it was a shock. I was anxious at first but I've been starting to feel really happy about it.

The issue is my husband mentioned a few days after I found out I was pregnant and now this week that he is unhappy with our sex life. He thinks it is too vanilla and he wants excitement. I asked him what it was that he was looking for. He then started going on about having sex with other people, swinging, having threesomes. I said I'm sorry but I wouldn't be happy with that, but if there are things that the two of us could do to make it more exciting that I would consider them.

He then said I know you just have a different mindset from me and I don't want to upset you. He then said obviously I need to think about whether that's an issue not being able to have sex with others and what we could do just us two to mitigate that.

I'm sitting there thinking I'm 6 weeks pregnant and now I am feeling very anxious about our relationship. I have no idea what to do. I want him to be able to talk to me about it but equally I said to him it's not just about upsetting me it's about my life too, like I'm sitting here 6 weeks pregnant and now feeling very anxious when I was happy about being pregnant. Telling all my family.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

Firstly, congratulations! I know this trauma would have tarnished the amazing news of falling pregnant so I'm going to scream it from the rooftops for you. You wanted a baby and look at you! You've got a little cutie inside you and you're doing amazing!

Now to your husband. There's many possibilities here. He could be nervous and overcompensating because he feels overwhelmed OR he could be a total dick who's managed to hide how dicky he is. Regardless you don't deserve this. Especially not now. If he had 'issues' he should've expressed them before you fell pregnant. These 'exciting' sexual fantasies are not only disrespectful to you but are harmful to your marriage as he didn't express them earlier. He has no right to tell you you're vanilla. You say you've been trying for two years so I'm assuming you've been married for a while and if he felt this way he should've expressed this way way earlier.

As annoying as it is I do believe you need to sit down with him and have a hard chat. Don't put words into his mouth though. Don't mention that he might be overwhelmed because dickheads use excuses. If he comes to that by his own merit then it is more likely true. If he genuinely says it's what he wants then you need to look at what will make you and your baby happy. You're a two. You and your baby are connected. You have to make the decision that's best for YOU. Not him. If he wants that life and you're not happy, you are 100% allowed to leave. Yes it will be hard being a single parent but you can do it. From experience I stuck with my ex husband who was very similar (however again I don't know if your partner is overwhelmed whereas mine was just a dickhead). After five losses I fell pregnant with my twins. He ended up cheating on me and I threw him out when they were 6 weeks old. He's made no interest in seeing them. He's proved what a shit he is and as hard as being a single mum is. I know I made the right choice for them and for me. All a baby needs is a happy parent. Someone who loves and looks after them. You deserve to be happy and if he doesn't step up and sort his head out. You can do this without him. Whatever you choose we will be here for you. Keep strong mumma 🤍🤍

Annoyingnamechangerperson · 21/09/2023 09:34

Someone who doesn’t respect your sexual boundaries and wants you to keep pushing further than you’re comfortable with does not have your best interests at heart only their wants.
He’s decided to wait until you’re ‘vulnerable’ to tell you this as you will immediately think I’m pregnant I want to keep the baby, I can’t do this alone.
Again this is a sign of someone who is using your vulnerability to pressure you into engaging in things you’re not comfortable with.
I know how scary it feels to consider being on your own and pregnant and worry about finances etc, I was in the exact same position as you. I was pregnant and with a toddler when I decided I’d rather be a single parent than lose who I was.
8 years later I am happy, my children are happy and thriving and I have managed to build up a career.
Their dad is still living in the same grotty flat and hasn’t moved on with his life because all he cared about was making himself happy in the here and now and I wanted to build a future for my children.
You think you won’t survive on your own, but you will.
You think you won’t have enough money, a house etc but you will.
You need to think about whether you would be happier being yourself and single with a baby than compromising everything you are to fulfil someone else’s needs. Someone, who is willing to put both his wife and his unborn child at risk of disease and harm during pregnancy by what he is suggesting.

RiderofRohan · 21/09/2023 09:35

I personally would not terminate if I had low ovarian reserve. But this is just me. I would be ready to go at it as a single mother though because no good will come out of this situation.

ActDottie · 21/09/2023 09:36

What a twat! Sorry not much else to add :( but omg he needs to appreciate you are growing his child and you need support right now not this crap!

BeverleyMacker · 21/09/2023 09:37

What's going to happen, because it will,when the morning sickness kicks in? The tiredness,hormones and feeling huge kicks in? You're really not going to feel like sex but then you'll always be constantly on edge thinking he'll go elsewhere. That's no way to live :( You're better than that xx

WeaselCheeks · 21/09/2023 09:43

Did his previous relationship break up due to him cheating?

He's awful, OP, and you deserve better. If I was in your situation, I honestly don't know how the relationship could continue - even if he agreed not to cheat, I'd always be wondering if he was sleeping around, or if he'd done so already. I'd be worried for my own sexual health, having to get tests in case he transmitted something from another partner. So I'd just cut it off here - the fact he'd seriously entertained the notion would be a deal breaker.

The fact he's come out with this makes ne wonder if he's trying to baby trap her - get her pregnant, then it's so much harder to leave when he makes ridiculous demands like wanting to sleep around or engage in kinks that she's previously turned down.

WowOK · 21/09/2023 09:44

I'm sorry. I would probably end both the pregnancy and the relationship. Although, I understand that you may want to keep the baby given the fertility issues you've had. I would 100% end the relationship. He has waited until you are at your most vulnerable to hit you with this. It's very manipulative. He's timed it when he feels he's got you cornered. At any point in your relationship he could have talked about his preferences but he's waiting till you are pregnant. What happens when you don't want sex or can't have sex? When a baby is small loads of people are touched out, exhausted and don't want sex. Are his unmet needs an excuse to cheat?

I'm personally not adverse to an open marriage if that's what everyone wants. It shouldn't be sprung on you now. It should have been discussed before you'd made any huge commitments.

Prelapsarianhag · 21/09/2023 09:45

He is a nasty sexually coercive fucker. Keep the baby, ditch the twat.

horseyhorsey17 · 21/09/2023 09:46

What a massive arsehole your husband is. I am so sorry OP. You do need to think whether you want to stay with this man and have a child with him, there are red flags everywhere here.

horseyhorsey17 · 21/09/2023 09:47

Red flags everywhere. So sorry OP, I would strongly consider whether to go through with the pregnancy.

CambridgeLass · 21/09/2023 09:48

He thinks he’s got you trapped now you’re pregnant. I’d be dumping his arse and considering whether or not I wanted to continue the pregnancy.
Sorry.

Peregrine93 · 21/09/2023 09:48

@Mischance why is this such a bad thing??
I actually didn’t mind giving bjs to my ex if that kept him happy. Part of a relationship is looking after the other person and men generally have a higher sex drive so this is a way to keep them from looking at other women.

im not saying OP should start swinging but just recommending what she could do to keep the relationship going if she wants to keep the baby

Ollifer · 21/09/2023 09:52

Peregrine93 · 21/09/2023 09:48

@Mischance why is this such a bad thing??
I actually didn’t mind giving bjs to my ex if that kept him happy. Part of a relationship is looking after the other person and men generally have a higher sex drive so this is a way to keep them from looking at other women.

im not saying OP should start swinging but just recommending what she could do to keep the relationship going if she wants to keep the baby

So she should do sexual acts she doesn't want to because if she doesn't he'll cheat? I think that's really sad. I'd rather not give blowjobs when I feel crap and let him go off and do whatever and I'd go it alone (I am a single parent!) Fuck being with a selfish sex pest.

IHopeThisFindsYouWell · 21/09/2023 09:57

*why is this such a bad thing??
I actually didn’t mind giving bjs to my ex if that kept him happy. Part of a relationship is looking after the other person and men generally have a higher sex drive so this is a way to keep them from looking at other women.

im not saying OP should start swinging but just recommending what she could do to keep the relationship going if she wants to keep the baby*

Holy fuck. That's some seriously low standards you've got there.

My DH doesn't 'look at other women' (ie shag around in this case) because he's not a sleazy disgusting bastard. He respects me, and others, and himself.

A mutually respectful, fully consensual and non-coercive sexual relationship with respected boundaries is what everyone, male or female, should be entitled to.

Someone who adores her, supports her, values and cares for her emotionally and physically is what the pregnant OP should be entitled to.

Raise your fucking standards.

RiderofRohan · 21/09/2023 09:57

@Ollifer agree. If you have to give bjs to keep your sex pest from cheating when your sex drive is down BECAUSE you are carrying his child, it's hardly ideal.

Planesmistakenforstars · 21/09/2023 09:58

Part of a relationship is looking after the other person and men generally have a higher sex drive so this is a way to keep them from looking at other women.

Yes, but amazing how this always seems to work way though isn't it. Part of a relationship is to respect if your partner doesn't want sex and not pressure, guilt, or threaten to leave if you don't get it. Part of a relationship is not to make your partner believe that if he doesn't get his dick sucked whenever he wants that he will go somewhere else. Part of a relationship is compromise, and having a wank a couple of times a week rather than having sex your partner doesn't want is not some massive hardship.

Frazzlefrazle · 21/09/2023 09:58

I would keep the baby.
You are 32 with plenty of time to find another partner who respects you.
I would absolutely leave him. He is just going bring misery to your life.
Leave him early in the pregnancy to give yourself time to settle before the baby arrives.
You have got this. Believe your gut and don't waste those precious first years of your babys life with someone who is so shit. Also don't waste your pregnancy around someone who is going to make you do sexual things you are not comfortable with or pressure you into letting him sleep with other people.
That first year of having a baby confuses your hormones too.
I'm sorry this has happened to you.
You may worry about being a single parent and not having the income for the time being but that will be temporary and you will get through this.
Good luck.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 21/09/2023 09:59

amyLF24 · 20/09/2023 21:13

Hey everyone.

I recently found out I was pregnant, I'm only 6 weeks. For further info I am 32F and my husband and I have been trying for two years, I finally fell pregnant it was a shock. I was anxious at first but I've been starting to feel really happy about it.

The issue is my husband mentioned a few days after I found out I was pregnant and now this week that he is unhappy with our sex life. He thinks it is too vanilla and he wants excitement. I asked him what it was that he was looking for. He then started going on about having sex with other people, swinging, having threesomes. I said I'm sorry but I wouldn't be happy with that, but if there are things that the two of us could do to make it more exciting that I would consider them.

He then said I know you just have a different mindset from me and I don't want to upset you. He then said obviously I need to think about whether that's an issue not being able to have sex with others and what we could do just us two to mitigate that.

I'm sitting there thinking I'm 6 weeks pregnant and now I am feeling very anxious about our relationship. I have no idea what to do. I want him to be able to talk to me about it but equally I said to him it's not just about upsetting me it's about my life too, like I'm sitting here 6 weeks pregnant and now feeling very anxious when I was happy about being pregnant. Telling all my family.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

In an ideal world, I'd arrange a quick abortion, then leave.

Life isn't ideal, though!

Therealjudgejudy · 21/09/2023 10:03

This is such a shocking thing for him to do to you at 6 weeks pregnant.

He has zero respect for you and is showing you who he is. Leave the discusting manchild

Nanny0gg · 21/09/2023 10:05

Nice the way he waited till you were pregnant to drop his 'suggestions'

He's vile.

Why did his last marriage end and how good a father is he to his other children?

And if you keep this baby (and I appreciate your reasons) be aware you will be tied to him for the next 18 years as co-parents

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 21/09/2023 10:06

Peregrine93 · 21/09/2023 08:51

My ex was a bit similar to this. I got pregnant with him when I was 24 and he started saying about how he wasn’t happy with our sex life and we should make it more exciting.
I went through the same thoughts as you as knew probably I would lose my sex drive and worried about him leaving.

It’s not easy but we did get through it by trying different things (not with other people though). If I wasn’t in the mood I would normally just give him a blowjob to keep him happy and that stopped him from cheating I think

FFS if you feel that you have to give him a blowjob to stop him from cheating, then you've turned sex into a coerced chore instead of something mutually desired.

He has hands, he can take care of his morning wood without bothering his wife. Who could give a blow job when suffering morning sickness anyway? Wouldn't you end up barfing all over his genitals?

SoShallINever · 21/09/2023 10:08

This will just get worse. Abuse often starts in pregnancy because that is when he is no longer in control of you and your body.
Honestly, I'd leave him and then think about if I wanted to continue with the pregnancy.