Don't know what to do pregnant and my husband says unhappy with sex life

[amyLF24]

Hey everyone.

I recently found out I was pregnant, I'm only 6 weeks. For further info I am 32F and my husband and I have been trying for two years, I finally fell pregnant it was a shock. I was anxious at first but I've been starting to feel really happy about it.

The issue is my husband mentioned a few days after I found out I was pregnant and now this week that he is unhappy with our sex life. He thinks it is too vanilla and he wants excitement. I asked him what it was that he was looking for. He then started going on about having sex with other people, swinging, having threesomes. I said I'm sorry but I wouldn't be happy with that, but if there are things that the two of us could do to make it more exciting that I would consider them.

He then said I know you just have a different mindset from me and I don't want to upset you. He then said obviously I need to think about whether that's an issue not being able to have sex with others and what we could do just us two to mitigate that.

I'm sitting there thinking I'm 6 weeks pregnant and now I am feeling very anxious about our relationship. I have no idea what to do. I want him to be able to talk to me about it but equally I said to him it's not just about upsetting me it's about my life too, like I'm sitting here 6 weeks pregnant and now feeling very anxious when I was happy about being pregnant. Telling all my family.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

JFC she's questioning her pregnancy and relationship and you posted solely to pick apart her use of Reddit slang?

OP, I would leave and seriously consider aborting this pregnancy. I'd rather regret never having kids than regret having them with a shitty twat of a father. The timing of this request is the problem, he knows you're vulnerable and PP are right that pregnancy is often when abuse starts.

Next time, go for men your own age (I think he's older than you to have kids already) who don't have kids. He's no longer with the mother of his existing kids for a reason.

Oh dear. He sounds AWFUL.

He wants his pregnant wife to start swinging and God knows what else? Tell him to fuck off.

You cannot possibly stay with him knowing how little he thinks of you (and his unborn child)

Really I would leave asap. Only you can decide about the pregnancy but remember if you go ahead, you will always have contact with him and have to co parent. I wouldn’t want a man like that raising my child. He’s nowhere near good enough.

What would I do in your situation? I hope I would LTB and if I wasn’t able to come to that conclusion on my own I would hope that my friends would be giving me strong encouragement to do so.

I suspect however that you haven’t told your friends and probably won’t because what he has told you (two days after you tell him you are pregnant) is fucking embarrassing. Which is why you should tell them. Their reaction will help you to face reality and get out of this situationship asap.

Exactly this. My previously lovely exH started his descent into abuse on the day I found out I was pregnant. The caveman in them thinks you're trapped and will have to put up with their shit, but thank goodness, we're not.

Please at least have a look at what you'd be entitled to by way of state benefits if you left. It would help you enormously to know that you're not trapped and could leave at any time if he starts to ramp up the pressure.

What's his relationship like with his existing two children, out of interest? How often does he see them, is he hands on with them, or does he kind of delegate their care to you when they're here?

Honestly although I hate it when people say it I’d leave. Honestly men like this will always want more and it’ll become a huge issue in your relationship with him trying to make you feel guilty all the time .

I think hes got the jitters about becoming a dad! Many men want DC,and when you have been trying for a while and the reality hits home then they panic.I would have a heart to heart ,and tell him how you feel.Realistically its unlikely hes going to want to watch you with another man/woman if youre pregnant and hes not brought this up before . Morning sickness and tiredness will mean your sex life takes a beating for a while!

I so feel for you. His wants will never change and he will act on them. In your shoes i would end the marriage and the pregnancy.

This was my first thought. It’s not too late to terminate this pregnancy and find a man who is committed to creating a family with you.

On the other hand, he could just be scared about the future and the changes a child

Also, I’m not sure many people —men— really face full-on the fact that marriage means that you’ll never have sex with anyone else. This is the only person you’ll have sex with from now on.

When put like that, it’s a reality check.

It's also quite disgusting that he's willing to put you and the baby at risk by exposing you so stis by shagging multiple random people. Just staggeringly selfish and quite sad.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

In your position, I would end the relationship and the pregnancy.

If you stay with him, your life will be miserable and he'll use your vulnerability of having to keep things 'ok' for the child's sake, at every opportunity, to get what he wants. You will be used and abused. Even if you split but have a child with him, he'll manipulate you. He is a terrible person, don't tie yourself to him for life.

I really feel for you but you need to get yourself head together and act now. Tell a couple of good friends, they will be appalled but will be on your side and help you through.

Sorry @amyLF24 but with each update he gets worse.

He's a 44 year old baby. He already has two children so he knew exactly what he was entering into when you started trying.

I know it's easier said than done but you need to take control here. He knows you are 'trapped' now and it's no coincidence he's pushing the boundaries. It's despicable behaviour.

I'd be making it crystal clear that this will not be happening and that you will not be fussing about trying to please him with things that don't please you.

Sorry to say but if you stay this will get worse and you are setting yourself up for a miserable life.

Go to the Turn to Us calculator and do a benefits check. If you rent you'll get help with that, and childcare when the time comes.

It's easier to just do it alone from the beginning than with an extra baby jealous of the real one.

Leave him now before you get really trapped.

Is he a good father to his existing children? Does he pay the correct maintenance, have them for weekends and holidays, take them shoe shopping? Because he'll be the same kind of father to your baby.

Leave him. If you want the baby, have it and be glad you and baby are free of him. You’ll get benefits and support from him - if you tell him.

I’m wondering if he’s suddenly saying all this because he’s changed his mind about the pregnancy and is hoping you’ll be disgusted and upset and have an abortion. He’ll then be very apologetic, say it was stress and then suggest you concentrate on yourselves as a couple and leave the TTC ‘for a while’ (ie never).

It doesn’t sound like he loves you. You just fill a space and could be any woman. You’d be so much better off without him.

My ex was a bit similar to this. I got pregnant with him when I was 24 and he started saying about how he wasn’t happy with our sex life and we should make it more exciting.
I went through the same thoughts as you as knew probably I would lose my sex drive and worried about him leaving.

It’s not easy but we did get through it by trying different things (not with other people though). If I wasn’t in the mood I would normally just give him a blowjob to keep him happy and that stopped him from cheating I think

After being together 5 years and him being 12 years older than you (so he shouldn’t still be exploring his sexuality and discovering stuff as if he was 25yo iyswim), he suddenly realises that he likes kink and wants threesome/an open marriage…..

I smell rat sorry. You don’t spur something like this to your partner that late in the relationship and just when they finally found they are pregnant.

You mentioned that he was married before. Do you know why they got divorced? Could it give you a clue as to what’s going on?

Sorry this is happening to you. If you had fertility issues, I suspect he thought you would not get pregnant. This sudden declaration about him not being happy is a way of saying he is not happy you are pregnant. He is acting in a way that I think he hopes you'll break the relationship off.

Only you know if you can carry on with the pregnancy alone but I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide.

Possibly this.

I would certainly leave. Just for putting you through this stress when you are pregnant would be the dealbreaker but the detail of his little speech is appalling.

You can't ever have an equal and healthy relationship with this man.

If I wanted to keep my baby, I would but termination of the pregnancy and the marriage would be a far more attractive option for me just to never have to have contact with a moron of that magnitude once it's all done and dusted.

It's your only option. You can't come back from this. If this is what he wants then he's not committed to you and your family.

You know what?

I don't judge him for the swinging comment as such and I know happily married couples who regularly partake!

But there's a time and a place for such activities within a loving relationship/marriage and when the wife is 6 weeks pregnant is not one of them.

Your sex life will probably deteriorate significantly for a couple of years now. That's the reality of babies and small children. So if he's not happy now and is whinging about it, then he's not going to be happy when the baby's born is he? Most couples suck it up and see the bigger picture; usually they're too knackered to care.

There's a reason why swingers are mainly in their 50s because their kids are older and gone.

OP, I’m so sorry to hear this. Sending hugs. In your place I would keep the baby. You don’t know if you’ll have another chance. I’d consider leaving the man.

(I haven’t said that to anyone before, and I’ve been on here a while, but this is not looking good.)

I know all your decisions seem like an insurmountable hill so you have to break it into stages.
Most importantly : your pregnancy
Women all over the world manage to bring children up alone, either by choice or through circumstances ( worst case scenarios e.g partner passes away or leaves )
If you already struggle with fertility and given your age I personally wouldn't even entertain ending a pregnancy because of the father being an old, selfish pr*.
I wouldn't give him that sort of power, no way.
Obviously daunting to bring a child up by yourself so I would find other women who have done it and get their advice. The more you know and research an unknown situation the better prepared.
Like leaving house in rainstorm with right clothing, wellies, umbrella iso a bikini if you get my drift.
Not been in single parent situation but am sure all love their children and did not regret single parenting by choice if partner unsuitable.
Your relationship is a seperate decision.
Do not let someone like a DH treat you with disrespect/lack
of care and love , especially at this time which should be one of excitement and a baby being taken extra care of. Stress can also affect them in utero let alone having sex with multiple partners whilst pregnant🤮, your DH is totally disgusting suggesting it. Deffo porn addict, hope not on kik or whatever dodgy site /app having online " relationships ".
Who wants a a DH / father like that, even in future when he heads into middle age panic. He could be there already.
Whilst you may or may not have another DC in future chances are way way higher you may find another nice partner. Even as a single parent.
Don't let DH treat you like this because ultimately it's his loss, you have the power of having a child AND finding a new partner too if need be as your still only 32.
Might be stressful to start with, having DC's is one of life's great experiences and they grow up
way too fast. Best of luck with your two seperate decisions to be made.

Give him a bj to keep him happy .... jeez what we women put up with! Or not if we have a jot of sense. We are not the sexual property of our partners. We are ... believe it or not ... people in our own right. We do not EVER have to perform sexual acts to appease petulant partners.

If I wasn’t in the mood I would normally just give him a blowjob to keep him happy and that stopped him from cheating I think

God this is so depressing.