MIL not using correct name

[SkyBlue1987]

So I didn’t change my name when we got married a few years ago - which the in-laws definitely know and have never said anything bad about (that I know about). MIL is also on Facebook so would be reminded every time I post photos of the kids of my actual name. However, every time she posts something to us (they don’t live close by) it’s addressed to Mr and Mrs XYZ. Wondering if I should just let it go, it does bug me because I don’t know if she’s doing it deliberately or just because she’s old fashioned.

I’m not presenting “an argument” I’m stating a fact that changing your surname on marriage isn’t intrinsically less feminist than keeping the name given to you at birth. Do you feel otherwise @TrashedSofa and if so why?

There are lots of reasons people choose to change their name. I think OP could just ask her MIL to use her correct name more adamantly. Probably the easiest (imo) would be to skip the Mrs and address her as first name surname.

I never needed to change my name to feel that I belonged with my husband. I don't hate his. If he had changed to mine, it would have rhymed with his first name, which seems a bit unkind.

That would be an opinion rather than a fact.

As it happens, I don't really have a view on that question myself. Seems too generalised. The problem is with the double standard. Any time anyone writes that a woman's name is her father's but the father and husband get their own, they're always wrong. Fortunately you appear to have stopped doing it now.

As you were then @TrashedSofa . I will continue to say keeping your fathers name or changing to your partners name is no less or more feminist and you can feel you have educated me on feminism by having no opinion or view. Thank you for your contribution it feels rather pointless but I’m glad you are now more comfortable with my statement.

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@SkyBlue1987 personally I would just write and tell her what you’d like her to use or bring it up in conversation. She’s probably just thinking it’s quicker but you know her so can guess more easily.

It can't be pointless given that you finally admitted women have their own names just as men do. That was precisely my intention. I have no interest in educating you on feminism, so that's neither here nor there really.

I’ve always thought I had my own name @TrashedSofa what is this nonsense?

My mum sends cards to dd1 and her dh addressed like that or sometimes even worse she puts 'Mrs' instead of 'Dr'. She hasn't changed her name yet but plans to make up a new surname out of his and hers - and then it will be confusing as they both have the same initial and are both doctors! Perhaps then letters will be addressed to Dr A Z instead of Dr and Dr A Z.

You wrote:

'you choose to use your fathers name not your husbands'

The husbands get their own names, the fathers get their own names, the women don't. Nonsense indeed.

Yes @TrashedSofa I chose to use the descriptors in relation to the woman being discussed for clarity. The point was if your name comes from your father and you change it to one that comes from your husband then it isn’t less feminist. This is beginning to feel very repetitive. Do you feel the opposite and if so why? You seem unable to express your own thoughts but amazingly focused on what you think I mean/meant.

The point is that no one ever suggests that it's fine for a man change his name on marriage because it's not his, it's his father's. Whereas it is suggested for women all the time. In my opinion it is less feminist to take your husband's surname than to keep your own.

Fucking hell. I’ve found a wormhole to the 1950s.

'Clarity'. Righty ho.

Language matters. Sexist assumptions matter. The reason this is repetitive is because you've spent so much time bullshitting about the double standard you employed when you framed the issue as women choosing between their father's names and their husband's. One which, if your most recent post saying you accept you've always had your own name, doesn't even reflect your actual thoughts?

I have already answered your question about feminism and can confirm that it hasn't changed in the last hour. My problem is with your sexist initial framing of the issue, not your belief about it. That is what I'm discussing.

The point is that no one ever suggests that it's fine for a man change his name on marriage because it's not his, it's his father's. Whereas it is suggested for women all the time.

Exactly.

Either people's names are their own regardless of who had them first and how they got them, or nobody has their own name unless they were the first person to hold it. It's one or the other.

Mine has my surname and her dad’s (DH’s) as a second middle name.

At 13 she’s already decided that her name won’t be changing EVER. (And why the fuck should it because she chooses to enter into a legal agreement?!)

she LOVES that she has a direct link to both families.

Exactly. It's about the societal expectation that is only put on women who get married which is what makes it a feminist issue.

Not to mention the excuses thrown out there when people who know still decide to be 'old fashioned' and use the husbands last name anyway. All based on sexism.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

it’s because women used to be considered PROPERTY - first of their father and then their husband.

my husband maintains the relationships with his family and I do mine. I’m too busy working to “curate the family experience”. He is busy too but tends to be able to do school runs and extra curricular stuff while I’m off saving the world.

I can assure you that it is possible to address an envelope to people with different last names and still have it look attractive. Sending pretty cards is one of my hobbies and most people in my circle retain their names. The women also often have a higher ranking title. Still not difficult to write the address.

Oh, you haven’t had an arm fall off attempting it?!

gosh.

I’m aware that women used to be considered property (and still are in many parts of the world) but if your family is run and your children raised more like their fathers than their mothers family I would say that’s unusual. I’d also like to point out while changing your name is the tradition here, it isn’t in many parts of the world and they aren’t on the whole less sexist.

No, it's strange that such a sexist tradition has persisted to the extent it has in the UK when you look at it that way.

Are you my dd1? I'd just shrug it off but it really gets to her especially when her dh is called Dr and she gets Mrs!

It'd certainly make it simpler if you divorce. I'm divorced and after 30+ years of Mrs dhname it's not easy going back to miss/ms maidenname. I haven't attempted to do so yet but I hate being Mrs dhname as it doesn't sound like me (very foreign surname and I'm completely british) but I've been that for much longer than Miss maidenname. Perhaps when dd3 leaves school

This is insufferably rude. I'd return to sender. She can just write your first names

Firstly I think it's weird she posts things like it's 1927 and secondly that she addresses it to "Mr and Mrs" rather than "Sue and Bob".

But other than that, YANBU.

My family is nothing like DH’s family. He moved a few hundred miles from them. My dad was the more hands on parent so I was never going to accept a man that expected me to be barefoot, pregnant and asking for housekeeping money. (His mum gave up work when she married and has never worked since. My mum is an expert in a niche field and has clients all over the world.)

there was never any question of either of us changing anything about our established identities just because we made a legal decision to marry. (Had civil partnership been available then we would have done that.)

its an equal partnership. That’s all.