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Original poster

MIL not using correct name

240 replies

SkyBlue1987 · 20/09/2023 08:05

So I didn’t change my name when we got married a few years ago - which the in-laws definitely know and have never said anything bad about (that I know about). MIL is also on Facebook so would be reminded every time I post photos of the kids of my actual name. However, every time she posts something to us (they don’t live close by) it’s addressed to Mr and Mrs XYZ. Wondering if I should just let it go, it does bug me because I don’t know if she’s doing it deliberately or just because she’s old fashioned.

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 21/09/2023 09:22

@Fizzology it's interesting. I read (on places like Mumsnet etc) many women hate being called "Sally's Mum" because they are more than a mum, have their own name etc etc.

TrashedSofa · 21/09/2023 09:22

Fizzology · 21/09/2023 09:11

Why would I call her Mrs Smith though? I have no idea what her name is - I'm not just going to make one up and hope it's right. I know this is a different world than many posters live in, but the chances that Sally Smith's mother is Mrs Smith are well under 50%. And I sure as hell wouldn't use Mrs as a first guess - that's unlikely to be right.

'Sally's mum' may be reductive but it's unquestionably correct and also the role in which she is presenting at her child's school. After whatever emergency scenario has been dealt with, I can ask her name and how she prefers to be addressed, and she can tell me it's Dr Jones or whatever.

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Exactly. You use the form of address that you know to be accurate rather than wasting time freestyling one.

There is no way to do this that doesn't risk causing offence to someone, so in a situation where there's no time or it isn't practical to check, choose factual correctness over assumption.

RiderofRohan · 21/09/2023 09:23

Needmorelego · 21/09/2023 08:50

@RiderofRohan the whole double barrel thing is fine and many cultures do that but when that child grows up and has children of their own one name has to be dropped (because they can't have four surnames) so there is presumably still a tradition as to which name goes. Do they keep the surname from their mum or dad? (I actually don't know).

Most societies are patriarchies, so my understanding is the fathers/grandfathers name is adopted. Happy to be corrected here though.

@Ohthatsabitshit I agree many of us were given father's surnames, no discussions because that's how it was, and our identities were built around them. They are what we were called at school, we got nicknames out of them, they're the names on our official documents/degrees etc. So my attachment to my father's name ( of course for some it will be their mother's name) comes from my history with it and the way I've been identified my whole life. My husband's name doesn't get to usurped that because he came on the scene a few years ago. We both honour and respect each other equally and I don't feel the need to change my name to show my devotion.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/09/2023 09:24

Needmorelego · 21/09/2023 09:22

@Fizzology it's interesting. I read (on places like Mumsnet etc) many women hate being called "Sally's Mum" because they are more than a mum, have their own name etc etc.

I do have my own name but I wouldn't expect a teacher to remember it so I would find ''Sally's Mum'' acceptable in the situation and at least it would be correct.

Needmorelego · 21/09/2023 09:27

@SouthLondonMum22 but then you get the children picked up by Aunty, Step-Mum, Granny, childminders....
Perhaps teachers should have to say "Excuse me..... Sally's Adult....can I grab you a second' 😂

Batatahara · 21/09/2023 09:28

I'm fine with "Sally's mum" (obviously my sons aren't called Sally but you know what I mean) and it's what the teachers at my sons' school do. In the context of school pick up, that's who I am!

I have never had anyone at school call me Mrs DHname

Avatartar · 21/09/2023 09:31

I’d take it as a compliment and term of endearment. MIL regards you as one of the family. It is old fashioned but Mr & Mrs shows the relationship whereas using your maiden name doesn’t make it obvious that you are long term partners. Not everyone on her FB will know you so it’s a fast way of explaining it. I have a pal who retains her maiden name but when sending Xmas cards I put Mr and Mrs married name on the envelope as it’s quicker but when posting her bday card I use her maiden name

TrashedSofa · 21/09/2023 09:33

Needmorelego · 21/09/2023 09:27

@SouthLondonMum22 but then you get the children picked up by Aunty, Step-Mum, Granny, childminders....
Perhaps teachers should have to say "Excuse me..... Sally's Adult....can I grab you a second' 😂

I've heard that before! I've also used it myself when DS had come home with another kid's jumper and they were being collected by someone I didn't recognise. Had been expecting it to be the DM who I do know.

Batatahara · 21/09/2023 09:35

TrashedSofa · 21/09/2023 09:33

I've heard that before! I've also used it myself when DS had come home with another kid's jumper and they were being collected by someone I didn't recognise. Had been expecting it to be the DM who I do know.

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I have also heard "Sally's person" which I think is quite sweet

TrashedSofa · 21/09/2023 09:35

Avatartar · 21/09/2023 09:31

I’d take it as a compliment and term of endearment. MIL regards you as one of the family. It is old fashioned but Mr & Mrs shows the relationship whereas using your maiden name doesn’t make it obvious that you are long term partners. Not everyone on her FB will know you so it’s a fast way of explaining it. I have a pal who retains her maiden name but when sending Xmas cards I put Mr and Mrs married name on the envelope as it’s quicker but when posting her bday card I use her maiden name

You're friends with someone but you deliberately write the wrong name on joint cards because you can't be arsed with a couple of extra words? She only gets the courtesy of her own name when there's no man's name to outrank hers?

Fizzology · 21/09/2023 09:42

Batatahara · 21/09/2023 09:35

I have also heard "Sally's person" which I think is quite sweet

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Unless in a real emergency, we tend to ask the child who the person is to them. We don't hand the children over to any rando at the gate!

Or the good old, "So you are Sally's..." And then wait for the adult to fill in their relation to the child. And then possibly find someone to translate.

EquallyDetermined · 21/09/2023 09:48

Avatartar · 21/09/2023 09:31

I’d take it as a compliment and term of endearment. MIL regards you as one of the family. It is old fashioned but Mr & Mrs shows the relationship whereas using your maiden name doesn’t make it obvious that you are long term partners. Not everyone on her FB will know you so it’s a fast way of explaining it. I have a pal who retains her maiden name but when sending Xmas cards I put Mr and Mrs married name on the envelope as it’s quicker but when posting her bday card I use her maiden name

Are you this rude to all your friends or just that one? And why on earth does someone's name need to make it obvious they are in a long term relationship?

Fizzology · 21/09/2023 10:05

Avatartar · 21/09/2023 09:31

I’d take it as a compliment and term of endearment. MIL regards you as one of the family. It is old fashioned but Mr & Mrs shows the relationship whereas using your maiden name doesn’t make it obvious that you are long term partners. Not everyone on her FB will know you so it’s a fast way of explaining it. I have a pal who retains her maiden name but when sending Xmas cards I put Mr and Mrs married name on the envelope as it’s quicker but when posting her bday card I use her maiden name

🙄

If you know someone's name, use it.

If you don't know, ask. Then use the name they give you.

It's not 'old fashioned' to refuse to use someone's name. It's rude.

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/09/2023 10:39

TrashedSofa · 21/09/2023 09:18

It clearly isn't the point, otherwise you wouldn't refer to the husband and father as getting their own names while the woman doesn't. Which you do again here. It's a double standard. Why do you not think that it's a woman giving up her own name for her FILs?

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No I was attempting to fit with the cultural norms being discussed. I consider my first name to be “mine” the other names I hold are references to my emotional ties (both male and female) and to some extent are a statement of commitment/allegiance.

TrashedSofa · 21/09/2023 10:45

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/09/2023 10:39

No I was attempting to fit with the cultural norms being discussed. I consider my first name to be “mine” the other names I hold are references to my emotional ties (both male and female) and to some extent are a statement of commitment/allegiance.

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Sorry, you're trying to construct a logic fail? I'm not sure what you mean here. Why do the men in your examples get their own names but the woman doesn't?

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/09/2023 10:52

@TrashedSofa no I’m just talking from my own experience. It’s just not the same as yours. There are tons of naming conventions. You’re suggesting that the descriptors I used were steeped in a deep belief that men owned their names and women didn’t. I stated that that wasn’t why I used those descriptors and you felt moved to insist. I’ve responded with an explanation you don’t comprehend but that’s not because I’m fabricating an argument it’s because my post was based on a different experience.

tammie49 · 21/09/2023 10:58

Avatartar · 21/09/2023 09:31

I’d take it as a compliment and term of endearment. MIL regards you as one of the family. It is old fashioned but Mr & Mrs shows the relationship whereas using your maiden name doesn’t make it obvious that you are long term partners. Not everyone on her FB will know you so it’s a fast way of explaining it. I have a pal who retains her maiden name but when sending Xmas cards I put Mr and Mrs married name on the envelope as it’s quicker but when posting her bday card I use her maiden name

Why don't you put Mr and Mrs HERNAME then? Why is he more important?

TrashedSofa · 21/09/2023 10:59

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/09/2023 10:52

@TrashedSofa no I’m just talking from my own experience. It’s just not the same as yours. There are tons of naming conventions. You’re suggesting that the descriptors I used were steeped in a deep belief that men owned their names and women didn’t. I stated that that wasn’t why I used those descriptors and you felt moved to insist. I’ve responded with an explanation you don’t comprehend but that’s not because I’m fabricating an argument it’s because my post was based on a different experience.

It's just nonsensical really.

You've repeatedly shown us that you think men have their own names and women don't, and you spoke in general rather than just about yourself, so it can't simply be about your own experience.

To that end, your claim that there's some logic in taking your FILs name but not keeping your own doesn't make any sense either.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/09/2023 11:12

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/09/2023 10:39

No I was attempting to fit with the cultural norms being discussed. I consider my first name to be “mine” the other names I hold are references to my emotional ties (both male and female) and to some extent are a statement of commitment/allegiance.

Show quote history

I consider my last name to be just as much ''mine'' as my first name. It's part of who I am, it's the name I've built up a good reputation with at work etc it's mine.

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/09/2023 11:19

@SouthLondonMum22 is it your father or mothers surname? Will it be your children’s surname? If it isn’t your children’s surname is that because they took their fathers to follow his “line” or for other reasons?

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/09/2023 11:21

@TrashedSofa I think there is some logic in taking your spouses surname, certainly for me it was a very deliberate act.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/09/2023 11:25

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/09/2023 11:19

@SouthLondonMum22 is it your father or mothers surname? Will it be your children’s surname? If it isn’t your children’s surname is that because they took their fathers to follow his “line” or for other reasons?

It was originally my fathers surname. DC has both my surname and DH's surname, there was no way it was just going to be DH's surname.

TrashedSofa · 21/09/2023 11:29

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/09/2023 11:21

@TrashedSofa I think there is some logic in taking your spouses surname, certainly for me it was a very deliberate act.

Edited

Mmmm, you spoke in general terms though. You claimed it wasn't better to keep your own name if it came from your father, despite clearly not applying that principle to men.

If you were just talking about your own circumstances and what made sense for you, that would be quite different.

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/09/2023 12:27

Honestly @trashed I think you’re playing some weird sort of “gotcha”. I’m particularly baffled by the assumption that it wasn't better to keep your own name if it came from your father, despite clearly not applying that principle to men. because I’m not sure I EVER said it was better for men to keep their fathers name or name given at birth. What I said is it isn’t better “more feminist” to keep your given name at birth if that was your fathers name (as is common in the uk, eg Mark Smiths daughter is called Sarah Smith despite her mother being called Jasmine Jones) than changing your name to your husbands name wherever it came from.

TrashedSofa · 21/09/2023 12:46

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/09/2023 12:27

Honestly @trashed I think you’re playing some weird sort of “gotcha”. I’m particularly baffled by the assumption that it wasn't better to keep your own name if it came from your father, despite clearly not applying that principle to men. because I’m not sure I EVER said it was better for men to keep their fathers name or name given at birth. What I said is it isn’t better “more feminist” to keep your given name at birth if that was your fathers name (as is common in the uk, eg Mark Smiths daughter is called Sarah Smith despite her mother being called Jasmine Jones) than changing your name to your husbands name wherever it came from.

Yes, the fact that you clearly don't apply this to men is a huge part of the point.

It's a double standard. Men get their own names even if they were their father's before them, fathers get their own names even if they were their father's before them, women don't. Which is why your argument is so weak. You start from a logic fail of a premise and continue from there.