If you were a sahw, would you expect your husband to contribute to housework?

[Idrileena]

If you were a stay at home wife with grown up children who don't live at home anymore. Would you expect your husband to contribute to housework/cooking etc... after work and/or on weekends? If so, how much?

Thank you

It is only viewed as insulting when it is the woman not contributing financially. You can find dozens of threads of men being called those names and more and no one complains it is insulting.

I see women as competent capable adults. Not as children or plays or pets who need to be looked after by another adult. Life costs money - basic needs for housing and food and utilities in addition to all the wants and needs and extras. Having kids costs money. I do think a man or woman who feels no responsibility to contribute financially to their own lives or to that of their children is not someone I think that highly of.

Why is jealousy always thrown out there? It's bizarre.

Perhaps it's just a disagreement.

and that's the issue.

It's problematic because it contributes to inequality and outdated views that women aren't able to support themselves financially, it is simply their job to cook, clean and if children are involved then be the default parent.

No. Obviously 🙄

So, women should all do paid work, even if that doesn't suit the demands and particularities of the individuals within a family, to prove that women can work out of the home? It's a morality argument based on societal optics of what women can and should do? I don't think individual women or families owe you that deference - it's a little megalomaniacal to suggest that they do.

How do women who do paid work from home - as I do - work in this schema? Should I put a note on the door to let the world know I'm not just cooking and cleaning inside?

Isn't it funny that it's always the woman not working which suits the individuals within a family? I'd believe that if it was just as likely for the man to either go part time or not work.

It all comes down to the sexist society we live in.

There is a difference between a wife who doesn't work because this was agreed and the other partner understands and a wife who doesn't because they were raising children, illness or something similar that would prevent the wife being an equally contributing partner.

A wife who doesn't work and doesn't financially contribute should be contributing in other ways such as child raising, managing the home fully or if they don't work due to illness, their benefit money is their contribution.

A wife who 'stays at home' and is otherwise not contributing is not being fair on their partner and shouldn't be surprised when resentment builds and bubbles over.

Find a way to contribute if you are the wife. You don't get to sit at home doing nothing much (housework takes no time at all) with adult kids that don't need raising while your partner is out working all day. Not unless you have an illness you receive benefits for.

If you are the partner being asking to chip in with housework while your wife stays home, then ask why and communicate better because you can't expect to be out at work and not do some household chores if your wife is at home ill or raising kids or similar. Those are situations where the wife doesn't ever get a break and if she doesn't, then you should be facilitating a way she can by chipping in when asked.

Well I had, unfortunately due to ill health, a sahd, so that's not true of my life - although of course statistically your generalisation holds true. I don't think this division of labour is particularly surprising given that caring responsibilities tend to fall to women - even when they do work out of the home. Whether that is children or elder care.

You might take issue with why that may be the case, we could fill a library on that and I suspect we would agree on most of it. But it is unsurprising - given that is the state of play - why women might opt out of the triple burden or paid work, caring and keeping home if that opportunity presents itself and when they do it is rarely an exercise in laziness or cocklodging.

Agree with this. Sexist societal expectations (in the main) are that the woman stays at home while the man goes out to work. If staying at home was something to be jealous of (referring to a pp) then you can bet that men would be lining up to do it, but strangely enough it’s always the women who give up work for the family - and then seem surprised when they can’t get back into the workplace or support themselves if it goes tits up, because they magnanimously gave up everything for the family.

This thread has gone exactly as I said . Derailed by people who hate the idea of SAH . You actively search out SAH threads purely to have a go . There was a poster not that long ago used to do the same thing to the point of obsession. She could literally have an argument starting by the 3rd page . She's probably on here now just a new user name . Pathetic .

Yes in some small way I’m lucky he’s an excellent cook so I don’t do the cooking on a weekend it’s the only thing he does though so if he didn’t cook I’d find something else he can’t ignore everything in the house completely

But, ofcourse, you can continue to rail against the decisions made by other women in other families who operate differently to your own. You can spit out venomous insults to women who won't play their part properly and defer to your assumptions. You can march on to threads and scratch that itch everyday with the same energy as a common garden misogynist. But you are just pissing in the wind.

These type of threads almost always end up on 'active' which is how I originally found it.

Though people can't debate, argue or discuss with themselves. Clearly, at least some people want to engage or those comments would simply be ignored.

Lots of men enjoy cooking and take this task on as it makes them look like they're pulling their weight...

@Comedycook I don’t think that’s true at all. Your just man hating

Well it's a nature v nurture debate I suppose. You think it's purely down to our sexist society. I actually think it's probably a mixture of both. I've known men who have not worked and stayed at home whilst their wife worked and I can categorically say that none of them embraced or enjoyed the lifestyle. Some ended up depressed and none of them did a particularly good job at looking after the home.

That's a low blow, and pure sexist remark.

Not at all. Wise up... I see it all the time with couples...oh he does all the cooking...I'm so lucky he pulls his weight blah blah blah. Truth is he just likes cooking and it's a much more fun task than laundry or cleaning the bathroom. He earns brownie points. It is also a task which generates a lot of praise...wheras no fucker will thank you for cleaning the loo.

I quite like cleaning bathrooms. Does it only count as work if you don’t like doing it?

Well that’s not true at all. I would definitely praise my man if he cleaned the loo!

You need to admit your just being sexist here

Well anyway , I love the lifestyle I have my hubby loves the life style we have and I have made a hell of a lot more money (my own income ) than I ever made employed by someone else I have many more choices. I am 100% more disciplined than I used to be and fitter , healthier in body and mind . I am more involved with my community now than I ever was . We have been able to have a piece of everything that makes us happy . Leave people to live the way it works for them 😉

Oh you see it all the time especially at middle class dinner parties...oh has Matthew cooked, oh you're so lucky, what a new man, the meal is amazing blah blah blah ...meanwhile his wife has been doing the donkey work behind the scenes that no one has noticed.

I can see that men would be less likely to enjoy it currently because they would obviously be in a minority. Men are more pressured to be providers and it's even been said on here from a SAHM in a previous thread that she'd find her DH unattractive if he wanted to be a SAHP so those are the attitudes they would have to face.

I also imagine it would be difficult for them socially since classes are often aimed towards mums and babies and a dad surrounded by mums may feel awkward.

It all comes back to sexist societal expectations.

Would he praise you if you cleaned the loo?

I think praising men for anything that wouldn't usually be praised if a woman did it is also sexist.

I agree to a certain extent but societal expectations must have started somewhere....personally I think it's a mixture. I think some of this behaviour is hardwired into our biological make up...not all of it but some. I mean the very fact that women carry the offspring must go some way into explaining why women are generally more nurturing.