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Original poster

If you were a sahw, would you expect your husband to contribute to housework?

271 replies

Idrileena · 19/09/2023 18:47

If you were a stay at home wife with grown up children who don't live at home anymore. Would you expect your husband to contribute to housework/cooking etc... after work and/or on weekends? If so, how much?

Thank you

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 21/09/2023 14:55

Comedycook · 21/09/2023 14:43

I agree to a certain extent but societal expectations must have started somewhere....personally I think it's a mixture. I think some of this behaviour is hardwired into our biological make up...not all of it but some. I mean the very fact that women carry the offspring must go some way into explaining why women are generally more nurturing.

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But girls are largely encouraged from birth to be more nurturing than boys.

I'd also argue that if it was to do with biology then how does it explain that not all women want to be SAHM's? Surely if biology was part of it, all women would feel the urge to SAHM or even have children at all.

It's an interesting discussion.

Wiccan · 21/09/2023 15:01

Wow@Comedycook you know so much about everyone else and their lives . Your own relationships must be 100% successful with all the couple watching you do . Is it what you do for a living or do you just enjoy judging others ? .

Wiccan · 21/09/2023 15:12

saffronsoup · 21/09/2023 11:32

It is only viewed as insulting when it is the woman not contributing financially. You can find dozens of threads of men being called those names and more and no one complains it is insulting.

I see women as competent capable adults. Not as children or plays or pets who need to be looked after by another adult. Life costs money - basic needs for housing and food and utilities in addition to all the wants and needs and extras. Having kids costs money. I do think a man or woman who feels no responsibility to contribute financially to their own lives or to that of their children is not someone I think that highly of.

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But it's not for you to decide though . All couples / families do whatever works for them and adapt to their needs at the time. I personally don't live this life without my own income . Some women live solely from their partners income that is up to them .

Wiccan · 21/09/2023 15:25

Desecratedcoconut · 21/09/2023 11:48

So, women should all do paid work, even if that doesn't suit the demands and particularities of the individuals within a family, to prove that women can work out of the home? It's a morality argument based on societal optics of what women can and should do? I don't think individual women or families owe you that deference - it's a little megalomaniacal to suggest that they do.

How do women who do paid work from home - as I do - work in this schema? Should I put a note on the door to let the world know I'm not just cooking and cleaning inside?

Edited

I like this 🤣 I'm going to put a large chalk board outside my door . To inform which mode I'm in and who's funding it .

user1471556818 · 21/09/2023 15:27

Would expect him not to add to the load .But other than that no

FunkyMonks · 21/09/2023 15:46

I was stay at home mum but have recently gone back to part time hours now.
I did all the house work however my husband did majority of the cooking at weekends etc.

I still do the house work he will occasionally help out with washing up or running hover around but I prefer to clean as I have my way of doing things.

Comedycook · 21/09/2023 15:53

I did all the house work however my husband did majority of the cooking at weekends etc

Thus proving my earlier point

hideundermyduvet2023 · 21/09/2023 16:12

These are the men I'm jealous of! As a single parent with two high needs kids, plus a full on corporate FT job with very high expectations- I'm surrounded by men who have wives / partners who do majority of house work and childcare. I do everything and more in my house and have zero down time due to my kids needs.

These men excel with all the time in the world staying late, no school runs, life admin etc. no wonder there are more men at the top than women.

There are single dads in my place of work but generally they are viewed as gods and have many family members doing stuff for them and a small crowd of female admirers!

I'm envious and I won't lie!

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/09/2023 16:20

Wiccan · 21/09/2023 15:12

But it's not for you to decide though . All couples / families do whatever works for them and adapt to their needs at the time. I personally don't live this life without my own income . Some women live solely from their partners income that is up to them .

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'Whatever works' almost always falls in line with our sexist societal norms though which may work just fine for the couple themselves but isn't good for society or women as a whole.

Especially women who don't want to fall in line with societal norms.

Comedycook · 21/09/2023 16:23

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/09/2023 16:20

'Whatever works' almost always falls in line with our sexist societal norms though which may work just fine for the couple themselves but isn't good for society or women as a whole.

Especially women who don't want to fall in line with societal norms.

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I'd say nowadays though the norm is for women to work. I'm a sahm but don't know any others within my social circle

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/09/2023 16:27

Comedycook · 21/09/2023 16:23

I'd say nowadays though the norm is for women to work. I'm a sahm but don't know any others within my social circle

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It's the norm for women to work part time which still usually makes them the default parent which is still society's expectation.

Wiccan · 21/09/2023 16:31

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/09/2023 16:20

'Whatever works' almost always falls in line with our sexist societal norms though which may work just fine for the couple themselves but isn't good for society or women as a whole.

Especially women who don't want to fall in line with societal norms.

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OFFS ! I for one don't have the time to always be considering " societal norms" I'm to busy living my life and for some of us life isn't all about psychology. It's just sometimes " what shall we have for tea ?"
It's that fucking straight forward 🙄

BIossomtoes · 21/09/2023 16:35

Comedycook · 21/09/2023 15:53

I did all the house work however my husband did majority of the cooking at weekends etc

Thus proving my earlier point

No it doesn’t. I hate cooking, ergo my bloke does it. I find your anti men stance on numerous threads really tedious. Why do you feel the need to constantly do this?

Comedycook · 21/09/2023 16:35

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/09/2023 16:27

It's the norm for women to work part time which still usually makes them the default parent which is still society's expectation.

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And most of those women would probably be less happy and more stressed if they had to work full time. I know if I worked full time whilst being a mother, I'd be extremely unhappy. I mean, I hated working full time when I was single and childfree 😂

I really don't want to make myself a miserable stressed out mess to prove a feminist point.

Desecratedcoconut · 21/09/2023 16:35

Wiccan · 21/09/2023 16:31

OFFS ! I for one don't have the time to always be considering " societal norms" I'm to busy living my life and for some of us life isn't all about psychology. It's just sometimes " what shall we have for tea ?"
It's that fucking straight forward 🙄

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Hmmm, could you fit all that on your chalk board? Just as a caveat and apology to the passing women who glance through the window, see you cooking dinner and wonder if you are personally trying to demolish the feminist project one cooked chicken at a time?

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/09/2023 16:36

Wiccan · 21/09/2023 16:31

OFFS ! I for one don't have the time to always be considering " societal norms" I'm to busy living my life and for some of us life isn't all about psychology. It's just sometimes " what shall we have for tea ?"
It's that fucking straight forward 🙄

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It's easy to not consider societal norms when you fit in the neat box society tells you women should fit in and it suits you.

Comedycook · 21/09/2023 16:38

BIossomtoes · 21/09/2023 16:35

No it doesn’t. I hate cooking, ergo my bloke does it. I find your anti men stance on numerous threads really tedious. Why do you feel the need to constantly do this?

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Yep...men like to pick and choose the house stuff they enjoy. Invariably it's cooking...because it's generally more fun than actual cleaning and it lends itself to praise.

Any thread where posters detail the division of labour you will see this dynamic a lot.

mrssunshinexxx · 21/09/2023 16:39

No

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/09/2023 16:40

Comedycook · 21/09/2023 16:35

And most of those women would probably be less happy and more stressed if they had to work full time. I know if I worked full time whilst being a mother, I'd be extremely unhappy. I mean, I hated working full time when I was single and childfree 😂

I really don't want to make myself a miserable stressed out mess to prove a feminist point.

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Because they would generally also be expected to still take on the majority of parenting and housework which is just another example of society's sexist expectations.

Or does biology make only women miserable stressed out messes working full time?

Comedycook · 21/09/2023 16:43

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/09/2023 16:40

Because they would generally also be expected to still take on the majority of parenting and housework which is just another example of society's sexist expectations.

Or does biology make only women miserable stressed out messes working full time?

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When women work full time, they still usually do vast majority of housework and childcare. However, even if I worked full time and house/kids were split 50/50, I still don't think I'd cope very well. Like I said, I barely coped pre kids!

Comedycook · 21/09/2023 16:44

Or does biology make only women miserable stressed out messes working full time?

I'm a slave to my hormones so for half the month I feel like shit and nap every day...so yep!

Wiccan · 21/09/2023 16:46

Desecratedcoconut · 21/09/2023 16:35

Hmmm, could you fit all that on your chalk board? Just as a caveat and apology to the passing women who glance through the window, see you cooking dinner and wonder if you are personally trying to demolish the feminist project one cooked chicken at a time?

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I was thinking of a pretty large board so it can be seen from the street as I have a really long driveway , big house you see . Funnily enough that I paid more into than my hubby did .😉

Original poster
Idrileena · 21/09/2023 16:46

that's really insightful!

Out of curiosity, do you think you would still feel resentful if you had the luxury to choose not to go to work and focus on your kids/the house?

OP posts:
Original poster
Idrileena · 21/09/2023 16:47

Thank you all for your replies.

I'm really surprised about that PP's response that mentioned a husband happy to contribute to 40% of the chores despite his wife being a housewife.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 21/09/2023 16:48

Idrileena · 21/09/2023 16:46

that's really insightful!

Out of curiosity, do you think you would still feel resentful if you had the luxury to choose not to go to work and focus on your kids/the house?

Who are you asking?

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