Should I be helping my unemployed dd (21) get a job? Or does that make me a nightmare helicopter parent??

[Helicoptera]

Advice wanted - my lovely, competent 21-year-old dd who graduated from uni this summer with a 2:1, has still not found a job. In fact, she has never had a paid job, either before uni or during the holidays. Some of this is down to lockdown, which limited her opportunities to work before/whilst studying. Some of it is down to her (mistakenly I think) turning down a low-level job she was offered in her second year, thinking she'd get a better one - but she didn't. Some of it is down to her being dyslexic, and struggling a little with executive function.

But I think a lot of it is that she, for whatever reason, is determined to do it all herself and not take advice from anyone. Which is a perfectly fair position. Except it's manifestly not been bearing fruit.

Should add she's not even looking for a graduate job at all, which in some way makes it harder. Partly because of the dyslexia, she's keen not to get a standard graduate office type role. She's absolutely passionate about cooking, and wants to get a job in a restaurant so she can have a career working with food, as a chef or something similar. But I think it means that she's getting turned down by restaurants, because they assume that as a graduate, she's not serious about a low-level hospitality job, and will be off the second she gets a better job.

Or that's my guess. I don't know - as my dd refuses point blank to show me or my dh any of her applications, CVs, or discuss them with us! So I have no idea how bad they are.

Dh and I are finding it agonising watching her get rejected from job after job and not being able to help in any way. Especially as we helped both her older sister and younger brother get jobs, by helping them draft CVs and covering letters, and helping them with interview practice!

So please advise - should I just bite my tongue and back off, as she wants? Or should we continue offering help, for her to access when she's ready? Or encourage her to share her applications with us, so we can help?

I don't really understand why she won't let anyone help her - both dh and I help each other with applications and were happy to accept help ourselves when we were first starting out, from family members with more experience.

If anyone understands where she's coming from, can you explain, and say what you'd like to happen if you were her? It's got to the point now where she just will shut down any remote reference to the topic - meaning that I have no idea what the issue is or what she wants.

Aaagh - so frustrated as I know she'll love it once she starts working and I'm sure will be great at it. Please help.

Kitchen jobs are very hard and she will have to show real interest and passion on her trial shift, and a good attitude. where are you guys based? There is a real chef shortage at the moment and we’ve trained many with zero experience. It’s not about being over qualified re having a degree but more about the attitude and passion/interest shown when trialing/interviewing. If she shows promise they will bite her hand off. It’s very difficult to find good quality people at the moment.

She’s 21. She should be paying rent. Even if she just gets a bar job or supermarket job while she looks for what she wants. You’re cushioning her so she has no motivation to actually work. My son left college at 18 in June. I told him he could have 6 weeks of living rent free then he had to pay rent as he is an adult that is costing me money to feed and pay energy bills for. He has a full time job now, not doing what he wants to do long term but he is earning while he looks.

I think the market is starting to become a bit more competitive, as the economy is starting to hit - some companies are starting to make people redundant.

I think comparably it sounds like your DD doesn’t have as much experience as the average 21 year old if she hasn’t had a part time job yet and has not done much volunteering.

My 15yo dd has a part time job as a waitress at the weekend, but I think she got that because she had loads of bits on her CV. She had been volunteering at Brownies for about a year and a half (still does), had completed Duke of Edinburgh and Ten Tors. She also got her food hygiene certificate which will have helped with hospitality. All of this also shows enthusiasm.

I think the reality is that there will be a lot of people at 21 who have this and more, so your DD is likely to struggle.

I know it may not seem the most appealing, but a fast food like McDonalds or Subway chain may give her that first step on the ladder and this would provide relevant experience working with food that she could transition to other areas of hospitality.

Good luck 🤞

Ooh thanks, not heard of them.

Will suggest this to dd.

Thanks, that's really helpful. Useful to have a recommended link as there are so many, and being dyslexic, think she struggles with knowing where to start to find suitable resources.

Thanks so much for your post.

Yes, sure the dyslexia is a big factor in why dd hasn't had a job, when both her siblings (no dyslexia) have, and why she's finding it so hard to get one now.

She found getting through her degree really challenging and did brilliantly to come out with a good degree in a written subject despite the dyslexia. But it didn't leave her a lot of time to do other stuff and yes, sure it must have affected her confidence too.

Glad to hear your ds found his way. And yes, we are paying for dd to have driving lessons at the moment (it was lockdown when she would have been learning pre-uni, so still owe her her birthday present from then) so she is learning something useful at the moment too.

Could she work in a local fast food restaurant while she finds something else? They always have vacancies. Lots of people might sniff at this but my two both did this when they turned 16. They were able to include skills such as working as part of a team, managing others, working under pressure, customer service skills, communication skills, etc as well as food prep. All of which would be useful on the CV of someone hoping to work as a chef or in a restaurant.

Thanks, lots of very useful suggestions - lots to consider...

I got my first proper job a year after graduating in 2009 so don’t panic yet, unfortunately it can be common to not get work straight away. That first year I volunteered which helped me get my first job. As your daughter has never worked before, sorry to sound harsh, but why would anyone employ her in such a tough job market. She needs experience first so volunteer or intern.

Thank you, that looks good.

True.

Yes, fast food chains are a good idea.

Anything so she can get some experience and get started.

What does she do all day?

She might be better just getting any job so at least she has something in the meantime. She also then has some work experience on her cv. I worked in a supermarket after Uni (and part time during my final year) just as a way to earn money. Even bar work, shop work anything can at least show that you are reliable and get you references. Then, whilst working she can focus on what she wants to do and how to get there.

Tonnes of useful suggestions about places she could apply so I won’t add to that, wanted to say a couple of other things.

1. It’s not in any way “too late” and she’s not some kind of ticking timebomb after which opportunities stop. When I was at uni I was shocked at how few students had worked ever (probably about 80% or more! Hothoused instead I think) and it’s only a few months since graduation. If it’s any comfort I got a great degree and had worked loads and I still didn’t get a job til September. In the great scheme of things she’s incredibly young and fresh out of uni so please don’t panic and try not to infect her with your worry too much.
2. She sounds very anxious, I wonder if she’s actually not doing many or any applications at all and that’s why nothing is coming in. Quite honestly if she went and wandered about your local town and popped into every cafe, pub, restaurant and asked in a friendly way if there was any work she’d probably come home with at least a trial shift. I just don’t believe that her applications are bad enough to put EVERYONE off, especially given that from experience a massive proportion of people in catering are also dyslexic. So I think you need to at least consider the possibility that she’s not applying at all. Could she be depressed for some reason? Is life ok generally? Does she have friends? Go out? Has anything bad happened to her recently?
3. She can’t just sit at home and never engage with you about her future plans - I’d follow PP advice and stop flapping over her for a week or two, then have a proper sit down (maybe just you OR her dad, rather than both) and make a plan. She needs to have a boundary from you that she is not going to be allowed to rot in her room forever. She needs to be out working somewhere anywhere or booked onto a course by, say, a month from that chat. If she stonewalls this, I think you need to ask her if what’s wrong, maybe if she is feeling low and wants to see a doctor.
4. contacts are gold - so many parents think they haven’t got any but most people know someone who knows someone who works in a pub, hotel, catering, events, restaurant, food and drink industry, etc etc etc if you really rack your brains. Maybe you and your husband could use the “quiet time” to make a list of potentially useful contacts, it doesn’t matter if it’s your next door neighbour’s uncle or your friend from work’s roofer’s daughter!

I also wonder if she thinks that if she gets a job in the pub or as a delivery driver etc, you and your family or friends/neighbours etc will look down on her. Are you in quite a posh neighbourhood?

Thanks, sure she is anxious and yes I do worry I'm making her more so, hence part of the reason for this thread, to get a sense of perspective.

I trust she is applying when she says she is - she tells us how many applications she's doing each day (typically 2-5) and where to, and I believe she is doing them. Just not sure what they look like!

We have racked our brains for contacts and come up with one, a friend of a friend, who she contacted and they never replied. 😮So not sure what she wrote to them. Sadly, it's not a career we know lots of people in...

Agree think she does think that - though it's in her head, not mine.

We're not in a posh neighbourhood but do have lots of well-educated (if not rich) family and friends. So do worry dd sees graduate jobs only as the unwritten expectation.

Have you tried asking your other kids, your siblings, colleagues etc if THEY know anyone in this field? Some of the younger ones at least must have worked in catering or have friends etc who do/have.

I often have people putting me in touch with young people with whom I have the most tenuous connection (eg mum’s friend’s daughter’s boyfriend) because they want advice on the field I’m in - that’s fine. It doesn’t have to be just people you know direct.

Btw contacting people and them not replying is very common. One big lesson I had to learn was to chase up, and trust that doing so isn’t rude.

Some advice for a career in the food industry:

In the run up to Christmas - essentially from now - food businesses everywhere, (especially artisan ones) are on the hunt for passionate foodie people who want to join the team as a seasonal temp. It can be a great way to get a flavour of the food industry without committing to a particular direction and will also fill that gap on a cv. Food doesn’t always equal chef, but equally an understanding of ingredients and provenance will only enhance a potential chef’s cv.

Find a local deli, cheese shop, butchers, farm shop (whatever piques their interest) and see what availability they have. Often passion is more important for these roles than experience. Because it’s so busy, they will learn a lot very quickly - including if this is really the world for them. These seasonal jobs sometimes lead to full time jobs and sometimes they are seen as a stepping stone into the wider industry. Food hygiene cert (level two ideally) is super helpful but lots of companies will put you through as standard.

What about signing up to a course in something food related in the meantime? I also know a graduate who is passionate about cooking who does cooking on Instagram, she films a couple of recipes a week,cooks the dish & then suggests wines that will go with them, her videos get 10,000+ views. She could film her cooking & use that as part of showing her experience & knowledge of cooking. Is there a local pub or restaurant where she could ask for work experience?

Could there a bit of a fear of having to be an adult now at play? Now that’s she’s no longer a ‘student’ and has to actually work and do some adulting, perhaps she is a bit overwhelmed so delaying the inevitable. Only mention it as she is stubbornly refusing help which is counterintuitive seeing as she has no experience in looking for work so it would normally be welcomed. The dyslexia could also be compounding the lack of confidence.

My DD worked part time while at Uni and had no problems getting into a full time career. DS didn’t work at all until after Uni and I had to keep on reminding him he’s not a student anymore so needs to get a flipping job and be an adult! Took him a few months to get his mindset straight that he might not be able to walk in to his dream job.

I’d be having a frank discussion about any worries she may have and suggesting that her degree will be useful for getting into a better paying job for a few years (employers have to make reasonable adjustments for dyslexia and she should be entitled to an interview due to having a disability) and she could afford to take a cookery course in the evenings or weekends, go on cookery courses abroad and build up qualifications that way or maybe set up her own business?

I feel like I'm going against the grain here but it seems like the majority of replies here are offering even more unsolicited advice - by which I mean not only does your DD have family trying to help, there's now a whole bunch of strangers piling with opinions and advice that she's not seeking.

As well intentioned as it all is, I think you need to back off and work out what she really needs from you. Perhaps that's trust and confidence that she can get there and work this out. Maybe all the interfering is massively overwhelming and causing her to make more mistakes and stop listening. Give her a proper chance, stop assuming she's getting it all wrong and let her forge her own path if she wants. Maybe, just maybe if you do that she'll come and ask for help, trusting that you'll listen and help wherever she's asking for it and not pile in with an 'I know best attitude'.

It took me ages to find my way, I did it on my own too, I learnt as I went and ended up somewhere slighlty different at the end of my search to where I started but I needed to go on that journey myself and that was OK!

These guys need staff black tie and corporate stuff in and around London. All manner of roles including KP work. It’s a sign up for what suits you thing.

You’ve mentioned executive function and dyslexia … two key indicators that she might have ADHD. She needs to understand if she does, and if she does put done process in place to avoid workplace problems (eg forgetting stuff). If she loves food then perhaps front of house for a restaurant or hotel. The hotel industry is fast-paced and lots of opportunities to grow into different areas. You’d fit sobrino who (might) have ADHD.