Should I be helping my unemployed dd (21) get a job? Or does that make me a nightmare helicopter parent??

[Helicoptera]

Advice wanted - my lovely, competent 21-year-old dd who graduated from uni this summer with a 2:1, has still not found a job. In fact, she has never had a paid job, either before uni or during the holidays. Some of this is down to lockdown, which limited her opportunities to work before/whilst studying. Some of it is down to her (mistakenly I think) turning down a low-level job she was offered in her second year, thinking she'd get a better one - but she didn't. Some of it is down to her being dyslexic, and struggling a little with executive function.

But I think a lot of it is that she, for whatever reason, is determined to do it all herself and not take advice from anyone. Which is a perfectly fair position. Except it's manifestly not been bearing fruit.

Should add she's not even looking for a graduate job at all, which in some way makes it harder. Partly because of the dyslexia, she's keen not to get a standard graduate office type role. She's absolutely passionate about cooking, and wants to get a job in a restaurant so she can have a career working with food, as a chef or something similar. But I think it means that she's getting turned down by restaurants, because they assume that as a graduate, she's not serious about a low-level hospitality job, and will be off the second she gets a better job.

Or that's my guess. I don't know - as my dd refuses point blank to show me or my dh any of her applications, CVs, or discuss them with us! So I have no idea how bad they are.

Dh and I are finding it agonising watching her get rejected from job after job and not being able to help in any way. Especially as we helped both her older sister and younger brother get jobs, by helping them draft CVs and covering letters, and helping them with interview practice!

So please advise - should I just bite my tongue and back off, as she wants? Or should we continue offering help, for her to access when she's ready? Or encourage her to share her applications with us, so we can help?

I don't really understand why she won't let anyone help her - both dh and I help each other with applications and were happy to accept help ourselves when we were first starting out, from family members with more experience.

If anyone understands where she's coming from, can you explain, and say what you'd like to happen if you were her? It's got to the point now where she just will shut down any remote reference to the topic - meaning that I have no idea what the issue is or what she wants.

Aaagh - so frustrated as I know she'll love it once she starts working and I'm sure will be great at it. Please help.

I also have an unemployed 21 year old. They’ve had a tough time because job opps were so limited when they could have done to be getting weekend jobs a few years ago.
He does get a lot of support from his work coach though, as he has ADHD and dyspraxia. If she has less than £6k in the bank Id encourage her to claim UC. It will give her a little bit of money in her pocket but most importantly she’ll be supported to look for work.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

You're clearly made of stronger stuff than me - I told dd she should sign on, and she's refused. 😐

Have suggested it. She hasn't followed this up, like most of my other suggestions!

Aaagh.

She refused?
I think you and Dh need to sit her down and discuss all this, taking on board all the great suggestions you've had on this thread.

We did suggest this too. But she says - and I think not unreasonably - that she doesn't want to commit to expensive training until she's actually tried working in a restaurant etc, in case she finds she doesn't actually enjoy it in practice.

But of course it's a bit of a catch 22, as she can't get a job to try it out without the training... 😭

Forgot to say we did pay for a Food Safety course and she did (eventually! - only took her a year!) get round to completing it.

So that is literally the only relevant thing she has going for her on her CV.

Thanks so much, she started off being quite picky, she's now applying to posh restaurants but also bog standard high street places, and for kitchen porter as well as entry level chef type jobs, but not getting anywhere on any of them.

As she won't let me or dh see her CV, it's hard to know exactly why she's being so unsuccessful - we live in an area with loads of local restaurants and on edge of London, so she's applying for some things in London too.

So I just cannot imagine how bad her applications must be to not get to interview for a single one of them!!

Are there agencies you'd recommend she sign up to or places to get voluntary work etc?

Mmm, interesting idea, thanks...

I’d suggest she signs up with an agency that supplies temps to catering. It’d be a day here and there, and then longer stints, and she can move around and get a sense of what different kitchens are like.

The selling stuff at a market idea is a good one too - will run that by her. As at least she could do that herself without needing to get a job. And she is an amazing baker/cook.

There are loads of opportunities to volunteer around food / catering.

Food banks.
Community fridges / kitchens.
My local community shop ran a 4 week programme over the summer for children on free school meals, they had activities and food every day.

They also created a cook book with tips on using cheaper food and increasing nutritional value eg adding veg to a toad in the hole.

Soup kitchens / feeding homeless people.

She needs to sign on, if only for the NI credits, not signing on is, frankly stupid, and you can get help from the Job Centre once you are signing on.

I taught on a short 2 week course in employability, by the end everyone had a manual handling qualification, a food hygiene qualification, an employability qualification and most importantly a guaranteed interview for the local NHS trust.

Help her definitely.

When I came out of uni with a degree, I had no idea where or how to look for a suitable job...my mum was dead and my father didn't help me at all. I ended up getting a crappy admin job rather than a job where I could use my degree and forge a career. Sometimes you need some advice and support.

DD graduated in the summer as well, still hasn't got her grade due to marking boycott. Luckily she found a lock down job and they've always given her hours since when she's in the area, so she's been doing that.

However, it seems that if you're a graduate, you won't be considered for other lower paid positions as they fear you'll go off elsewhere. DD has tried to be flexible and looked for jobs that don't directly relate to her degree and has had to deal with one interview that turned sour when she had to explain she hasn't got a grade due to marking boycott.

Don't feel you've let her down in any way. You could ask her if she wants any support though.

DD has actually found a job now, starts next week. One thing that went in her favour was she mentioned a society she'd joined at uni, which related to something her new employers touch on slightly (and she didn't know this), it isn't covered by any uni course.

Also, has your DD done any volunteering - if not, that wouldn't be a bad thing now. Something like food banks and helping out at a soup kitchen relate to food, so would show she's interested in food.

Do you live near a town/city where there is a posh catering company, catering for things like weddings or birthday parties in people's homes/marquees etc? I know they exist in Oxford and Bath and Salisbury for instance. I have a lot of friends whose children have got jobs there over the last few years, on zero hours contracts for holidays and weekends, but it's been a good way into the industry for a couple of them, one of whom now works permanently with them and one of whom has got another permanent food related job.

I second the idea of UC. I’m on it and they really are a help. It’s not called signing on anymore. She would have some money of her own and they would support her with CV, applications etc. They want you in sustainable work so they don’t just force you to get any job - you say what you’re interested in and you tell them how you’re going to search (for me it was University roles in the academic-related area so my job search centred around checking the Uni websites, jobs.ac.uk etc) and they just check in with you regularly so you can update them on how your search is going, where you are with applications etc. They really are genuinely work search coaches in my experience and they are helpful and the support is tailored to you.

She would get support and also have a bit of her own money. It’s win-win.

Edit - when I said sustainable work, to be clear I mean they want a job that is a really good fit for you so you’re not going to quit and come back to UC in 3 months’ time because you hate it. So that’s what I mean - they will want to help her into the job/career she wants. Granted they will open her mind to other ideas that she may not have considered but she’s not obliged to take their ideas. It took about 2 years for me to find employment and they never once forced a job on me - they did broaden my mind and I’m grateful for that.

Tell her she has to claim UC to avoid a gap in her NI contributions. And if she’s being supported by you she needs to be contributing in some way. Whether you take any board from her is up to you, but she should be buying her own food etc at 21.

Nothing wrong with helping! 25 year old dd is currently rewriting her CV with her dad. Why wouldn't you help if you can?

It’s fine to give advice. As long as it’s not in a I told you so sort of manner. DS GF just graduated this summer, I actually asked round my friendship group if anyone knew of any positions, One of my friends work places was struggling to find the right candidate for a position. She applied, got the post and has been there a couple of months now. Honestly word of mouth and who you know is always useful.

Definitely get her volunteering. I volunteer, I am retired but many of the people who have come just for a while did it purely for work experience. The charity is aware of this but still welcome them. I worked as a volunteer cook at one point in a soup kitchen. It was not fancy food very much bangers and mash but churning out dinners for up to 100 people is demanding. That was at my local church, quite a few run food projects and you do not have to attend church or be a Christian to assist, well the one I helped at didn’t.

I think you need tough love here. She refused UC? She won’t discuss any of this with you? She’s happy to live rent free at home so she needs to show how she’s getting herself out of this position. She can’t just take the bits she wants from family life and expect you to back off from the bits she doesn’t want

Offer all the help you can. Suffer the rejection. Hope for the best. Love is it's own reward ❤️

I think that she should be encouraged to go to a temporary agency and the job centre and find a job that way. You may need to say that you will be charging her rent from October. If not, she needs to discuss her CV and applications with someone ideally a more distant family friend or relation. If she still doesn't have work by say the end of October she needs to share it with you.

Say you are only getting involved because you care and want her to succeed, but you also need her to be financially independent. There are so many jobs available at the moment she should find something.

A lot of young adults find it hard to make that initial transition to the world of work, but it is difficult if she doesn't want help.

The best thing in my opinion would be to sign up for some food/catering related course at your local college (this wouldn't need to be expensive or intensive) and also sign up for an agency and take whatever kitchen or front-of-house work they offer. Living at home and not paying rent, she is in an excellent position to do this.

I know someone who started out waitressing in an Ottolenghi and now manages a different branch.

If she doesn't want help, rejects ideas, but still isn't getting anywhere, I would start to get tough. sit down with a deadline of needing to pay her way. Use a Spreadsheet of bills and give her a monthly amount. Sounds like coasting and ' failing to launch' into adulthood.