A message from an ‘ugly’ woman

[Over40Overdating]

I am, by all conventional standards, an ‘ugly’ woman.

I am not, and never have been, beautiful. Never pretty or attractive. On a good day with some good light, I could possibly pass for striking.

This awareness has crippled my self esteem for years, to the point of developing a phobia of mirrors and pictures. I have no pictures of me from 14 until recently.

Tonight, on my way home from work, 2 young women got on the trains opposite me and started discussing and laughing loudly about how deformed and ugly my face I was.

I didn’t challenge them because I am middle aged and knackered and didn’t fancy my chances with two very loud, much younger women, but I realised I don’t actually care.

For so long, someone calling me ugly or unattractive to my face would have been my worst nightmare but it happened and instead of the world ending, I’ve realised I no longer care about my face or how it’s viewed.

I don’t know if it’s age, peri menopause, life experience or being too tired to care, but for the first time in my life I feel like I am more than the sum of my facial features and very much like who I am regardless of what I look like.

I feel free. Like a giant weight I have been dragging around my whole life has suddenly dropped off. I wish I’d had this realisation decades ago! I wish I could tell younger me my wonky face doesn’t actually matter in the grand scheme of things. I have a life I am proud to have created and many things to celebrate and not a single one of them relied on me having a conventional looking face.

So fellow ‘ugly’ women, please come join me on a ‘DGAF’ thread.

Reassurance about your face ‘not being that bad really’ is banned.

Celebration of all the many other things you are than your physical appearance encouraged!

Another ugly here

Firstly though, I am so fucking sorry that happened to you. What a couple of cunts

Secondly, I an grateful for your post. One day I'll get over my face too. I have stopped mirror looking for a while now and can't yet see past the awful thing staring back at me. I think if my DP didn't work away as much he'd leave cos it can only be missing me while away that keeps him I'm sure.

But I am hoping to soon join your DGAF club. Please keep applications open

Post kids everything is going downhill now and I think I look old and tired and kind of ugly too.
But I agree, its been replaced with a kind of badassness. I have more important things to do now than preen in front of the mirror trying to keep up.

My features are irregular, shall we say. I am also quite the fattie.

In early adulthood I cultivated a persona - funny, quick-witted, a bonne raconteur - that carried me through very nicely. I am under no.illusion that strangers might find my face unusual.

Not many photos of me as I am not photogenic either. I do feel a bit bad about that, for my (adult) children.

Well I’m so glad you no longer feel encumbered - I also have a had a similar epiphany, I don’t care what anyone else thinks but me.

Those two women are ugly on the inside. And they will probably always be horrors of human beings.

I’m glad you weren’t hurt by it op. You know your worth, and self esteem is a bullet proof shield. I wish young girls were taught this in school.

Well I had to look at my face a few days ago because it was time to get a new passport. My nephew took the photo at home against a plain background. I didnt bother to pretty myself up. The passport is for ID only (I dont drive) as I have no intentions at 79 of ever travelling again. However I do run a business which involves international money transactions so I need a form of photo ID from time to time.

Ive also got to the point where I dont give a dogs damn what I look like so long as Im decently covered and dont "frighten the horses". I keep myself clean and shower twice a day - sometimes more. I dont wear makeup or buy new clothes as I rarely go out. I was discussing this on another forum and someone said how they still dress smartly and wear makeup because it has to do with respect for oneself and others. Well I respect myself for the huge contribution Ive made to the community throughout my life. Makeup is a mask. As for others well if they dont like it they can sod off.

I don’t think I’m ugly deep down, I actually have a relatively pretty face I have to admit though I am no ravishing beauty don’t get me wrong. I am fat though and my self esteem isn’t brilliant. I definitely don’t care as much as I used to about any of it and I think I care a lot less than the average woman my age. I’m just tired and stressed and busy and don’t have time to think about it plus I genuinely object to spending time that could be spent in bed trying to make myself look prettier! Just can’t be arsed with make up etc. Every so often I worry about it because I’m divorced and ideally would like to find a new partner but other than in that specific context of trying to attract a romantic partner to consider me in the first place I don’t really care. It annoys me a bit when my family say “oh someone should love you for you not for your looks anyway”, I totally agree and wouldn’t expect a long term partner to be massively judging me on my looks but at the stage before someone is in love with you and you’re just trying to catch their attention and interest it does help to look as good as you can I guess.

I’m still horrified at those horrible women who were saying this about you. How dare they! Ugly hearts and souls for sure. And honestly I do think that a black heart shows on people’s faces eventually. I honestly think in your shoes I would have walked up to them and told them off for being so rude, and reminded them that you are a person with feelings too. They’d probably have been mortified and it might make them think twice next time.

Stands up to applaud Op. You are definitely not ugly and couldn't be even if you tried whereas those two women definitely have an astonishing and thoroughly repulsive ugliness of the spirit. I cannot imagine anyone doing something so crass, yet it happens.

I tend to think that one way women are lucky is that society provides them with more avenues to improve their appearance, whether in terms of wardrobe, demeanor, makeup, plastic surgery, etc.
However, apart from that, your sad story make me wonder why, in all these years, you haven't come up with a good way to put people like those two awful girls in their place. It's amazing to me that anyone so be so rude as those two.

@ohhnoo applications open forever so take your time!

I don’t think they were cunts to be honest. They were both in full hair, make up & lashes at 11pm and I suspect the judgement was a form of defence against the standards they hold themselves to, or are forced too.
No one confident and happy in themselves would make those comments to a stranger for fun.

@SerpentEndBench I hear you on not being photogenic either. I honestly think there’s some hidden filter in cameras sometimes as the way pictures of me come out leave people gasping - and not in a good way!

My granny was not photogenic either so very few pics of her exist and I would give anything to have more of her because when I look at the ones I do have, all I see is her warmth and love and kind eyes. Take more pics for your kids!

I’m a fellow ugly after major facial surgery and IDGAF anymore. It’s quite freeing to no longer give a crap about my appearance. I still bathe and make sure I never smell and always have washed and brushed hair but otherwise I’m so past giving a crap if anyone finds me attractive or not. Oddly I don’t really find other people attractive either anymore, I can see when someone is objectively beautiful or handsome but I’m not interested by it.

@Screamingabdabz I hope they are insecure and shallow due to being young and that they become better people.

I do know my worth and I only wish I’d known it sooner!

How does that make us lucky? Ugly men get left in peace.

I mean, I appreciate the sentiment of your post but can’t quite brush past what happened. What were they saying about you? I couldn’t imagine speaking about someone in that manner or being spoken to in that manner. I don’t even understand how someone can look remarkable enough for people to comment like that.

@Webmeister999 you sound fantastic.
Personally I’d like to have a crack at frightening the horses! Ironically animals of all sizes - and children - have always been drawn to me, so not sure how successful I would be!

Since I just explained "how," I'm sure I don't need to repeat that.

Really? Some people are vile. Have you really never heard others talking about someone being fat, ugly, horrible hair, buck teeth etc? I will never forget two girls I went to school with who were obsessed with their looks, makeup etc and both bullied a guy in my year who was dying of terminal brain cancer over his ‘greasy hair and acne.’ Some people are just a disgrace.

Well clearly I’d like you to, as how does all those ways of ‘improving our appearance’ make us lucky? If anything jt adds to the pressure to look a certain way.

@Britneyfan Maybe in another scenario I would have said something but it was late, I was tired and I thought what’s the point! Me challenging two much young women who were getting off on being offensive would likely not have ended well and I didn’t fancy ending up on tiktok being accused of being a Karen for berating two younger women with no context!

@MsAmerica I don’t think my story is sad. Certainly not what I realised from it. I have found it quite empowering. I’ve already explained upthread why I didn’t challenge them.

I think what is sad is that you consider women ‘lucky’ that whole, socially acceptable industries exist for us to change ourselves to what others deem ‘better’. No thanks.

Can all these "ugly " people just stop , Some of the most attractive people I have ever met I have never even noticed their physical appearance. They have been so charismatic ,,funny, warm, honest, just general people I want to be around these people are keepers. ( probably one of them. But comfortable with my shortcomings. )

Agreed!! I also couldn’t be arsed to argue with someone if they called my ugly. At this point I’d probably just think what losers they were. It’s very freeing when you can look beyond someone’s appearance!

Some days I dgaf and others I do. I had my photo taken for my work pass and due to an unfortunate lighting angle, I bear a strong resemblance to Hagrid in it. I just rolled my eyes when I saw it and make sure to wear it with the photo against my body. On the other hand, my sister included a photo of me doing a reading at her wedding in her album, and I cried for days after knowing that people will see it. I've had cruel comments since my teenage years. Some bounce off, some cut deep. I just hope that dgaf days will be more common.