A message from an ‘ugly’ woman

[Over40Overdating]

I am, by all conventional standards, an ‘ugly’ woman.

I am not, and never have been, beautiful. Never pretty or attractive. On a good day with some good light, I could possibly pass for striking.

This awareness has crippled my self esteem for years, to the point of developing a phobia of mirrors and pictures. I have no pictures of me from 14 until recently.

Tonight, on my way home from work, 2 young women got on the trains opposite me and started discussing and laughing loudly about how deformed and ugly my face I was.

I didn’t challenge them because I am middle aged and knackered and didn’t fancy my chances with two very loud, much younger women, but I realised I don’t actually care.

For so long, someone calling me ugly or unattractive to my face would have been my worst nightmare but it happened and instead of the world ending, I’ve realised I no longer care about my face or how it’s viewed.

I don’t know if it’s age, peri menopause, life experience or being too tired to care, but for the first time in my life I feel like I am more than the sum of my facial features and very much like who I am regardless of what I look like.

I feel free. Like a giant weight I have been dragging around my whole life has suddenly dropped off. I wish I’d had this realisation decades ago! I wish I could tell younger me my wonky face doesn’t actually matter in the grand scheme of things. I have a life I am proud to have created and many things to celebrate and not a single one of them relied on me having a conventional looking face.

So fellow ‘ugly’ women, please come join me on a ‘DGAF’ thread.

Reassurance about your face ‘not being that bad really’ is banned.

Celebration of all the many other things you are than your physical appearance encouraged!

Has there already been the following on the thread:

• A Roald Dahl quote hinting you must be ugly on the inside as well
• Someone saying they have never met an ugly person in their life and you must be beautiful
• Someone suggesting it is purely an issue of self confidence, and they have an obese bald wrinkly friend covered in warts and spots who had to turn down Brad Pitt as he was too annoying with his attention

Not sure if that’s aimed at me?

I would say I am part of the ‘the concept of a particular set of features or curves being seen as value should be spat on’ crowd.

Any concept of perfection or higher beauty is damaging and now with social media, influencers, filters it’s even harder on women.

@iloveeverykindofcat I agree with your points so much but especially the third one.

A friend once burst into tears as an attractive man looked through her in restaurant when previously she would have had the door held for her & been flirted with : she confessed it had happened less & less over the years & that incident was the one that made her realise she was now ‘invisible’ (to men) & she had a huge crisis of confidence about her self worth as it was so tied to being recognised as attractive.

You are so right that even the most beautiful are not immune to age, disease or accident.

This is soooo my thread! I've never been attractive. I inherited many of my dads features and age hasn't improved them one bit. I was definitely at the end of the queue when the good looks were given out, or probably in the wrong queue altogether 🤣

Im about 90% "don't give a fuck many more" but occasionally it bothers me.

Twice recently I've been in the supermarket at the self serve till where they have those camera things in front of you and you have a large view of yourself. Both times I've been taken aback at how bad I looked. I avoid being in photos as much as possible because I don't photograph well either. The weird thing is, I'll sometimes look in the mirror and think I don't look too hideous, but then glimpse my reflection somewhere else and be horrified.

Doesn't help that I'm overweight too, but I do have other qualities that I've been complemented on often, so I guess it's not all bad.

I feel sad about what happened to you OP. Something like that would have seriously knocked my confidence. Those two women were demonstrating though that sometimes ugliness is not on the outside, it comes from within.

Nobody has a right to make fun out of you. Cunts

I am so unphotogenic that I unintentionally ruined many of my mate’s wedding photos (I was a bridesmaid). I did warn her I don’t take a great snap (imagine a chubby Thatcher in a Winehouse style noughties wedding up-do) but at the time I was stricken. I’m typing this and I’m laughing now, holy fuck they were dismal and she was really obviously annoyed 😂

I like what @Screamingabdabz said about self esteem being a bullet-proof shield. Never thought of it like that before.

I think we have been spared the Dahl bollocks so far, but I'd put money on it appearing before the day's out if the thread stays active.

Your bingo card is missing: 'I have a friend who is conventionally unattractive but she always looks really smart. Everyone can make the best of themselves by dressing well, having a good hair cut and wearing make-up'.

I was good looking when I was young, high cheekbones, good skin, and what I now realise was lovely colouring. All gone now (well the cheekbones are still there!) and some days I do miss my old face now that I really do have an old face. We do sadly live in a lookist society and "pretty privilege" is a very real thing. It's so wrong as looks are just a result of being genetically lucky.

I’m pretty sure that poster knows it doesn’t have to be either or, and that other women might enjoy tending their appearance for all manner of reasons. She’s just saying she enjoys not doing it.

I am not pretty. I haven't got a nice figure. I was bullied through school and into my adulthood, comments from strangers always hurt more for some reason.
I want to NGAF but I still do a bit.
Those women on the train tho....I hope they end up alone and lonely.

Fellow ugly here, that's such a freeing realisation OP. I'm half there, some days I feel safe under my ugly invisibility cloak but other days I feel like there's a neon sign on my head and everyone's staring at me. I'm getting closer to not caring as I get older though. I've had similar experiences more from women than men, in general I'm invisible to men. I still occasionally get drive by abuse, usually creative things like "oi, do you know your f'king ugly, ha ha ha". I hate that these threads in the past have descended into people saying 'oh but you can't be ugly you're beautiful on the inside'. Unfortunately I'm not, I'm physically ugly and years of bullying have left me nervous, shy, awkward, cynical and over sensitive. When I was younger I tried doing lots of voluntary work and people pleasing but I found I just got taken advantage of and it's only decreased my tolerance for people.

I have a recent experience that has made me reconsider my own self view. I’m not an attractive woman and I am fully aware of this. I wasn’t pretty when I was young and thin and I am not pretty now that I am middle aged and fat. I have many other virtues but looks is not one where I score highly.

i went to an outdoor event in the summer where it pissed down and was freezing. My friend snapped a selfie of the two of us dripping wet in the rain wearing scarves, waterproofs, etc. I looked at it and saw my chins, my chubby face, flushed red and my usual general ugly. Another friend saw it and instantly asked for a copy as he thought it was a beautiful picture of me. He saw me fresh faced and laughing my heads off with my personality all over my faces and was instantly drawn to a photo of one of his favourite people.

It’s made me think a lot about my face and how others see me.

Ah yes, of course, forgot "You have to just put effort into your appearance, have you tried a new haircut or glass frames? All your fault"

Another one here.

I was once told I'd never be pretty because my face wasn't triangulated. Apparently, to achieve 'media and current accepted' beauty your face needs to triangulate - a particular symmetry is required and distance between features.

I have a deviated spectrum (bad one) a wonky nose and no symmetry at all so deemed ugly.

The 2 loud beautiful women commenting on your face are irrelevant to you - who are they anyway, just rude obnoxious nobodies to you. Glad you don't carer what they say or think. Shame they have internal ugliness and cannot be nice to others.

As I say it is your choice either way; but someone who chose to put more time in their appearance might not be doing so to 'look good for their age' but just because they are choices that make them happy.

She did not in any way imply that someone who did this was trying to look good for their age. She was talking solely about how she felt.

@Over40Overdating
I’m glad you feel free and liberated at last 💐
It must feel like a huge weight has lifted and that you now recognise your true worth and what really matters in life.

From a very young age I’ve always strongly believed and witnessed that real beauty comes from within.

As for those 2 spiteful girls it makes me wonder how anyone could be so disrespectful and so disgusting to another human being.

I’d hate to think what type of backgrounds they both come from.

Oh bloody hell. No everyone isn’t beautiful in the sense of being conventionally attractive. Don’t dismiss other people’s experience like this.

It’s relatively unusual to be very plain, like it’s relatively unusual to be very beautiful. It doesn’t mean such people don’t exist and they do not need their experiences to be shut down by everyone is beautiful style guff.

Nit being attractive in a society that values it is hard. I am quite nice looking - this is very lucky as I am also very fat and it takes the edge off that.

Isn't it just the best feeling when you reach the "don't give a fuck" era?

What an absolute pair of cockfuckers those two things were. Be smug in the knowledge that they have so little of worth going on in their lives that they have to resort to such lengths to get their kicks.

You're worth 100% more than these oiks will ever amount to. And you have the one thing they clearly don't....inner peace with yourself. That will carry you far further than the nasty mess in their brains will take them.

Ps. I look in a mirror and it still says "Ha, I don't think so". I still don't much care (most of the time).

So many posts now I can’t reply to all yet but just to say to my fellow ‘ugly’ women (and please know I am using that word only as the label many of us were given by other people) I see you and I get you!

To the posters insisting no one is ugly, I appreciate the sentiment but unfortunately many of us have been judged that way and it leaves a mark that isn’t easily brushed off by focusing on our inner qualities. The world isn’t as fair as that sadly. I wish it was.

Today I am going out wearing a dress I have always loved but never worn as it is ‘unflattering’ and woe betide an unattractive woman who doesn’t at least try to look presentable. Fuck it! Off I go!

*As for those 2 spiteful girls it makes me wonder how anyone could be so disrespectful and so disgusting to another human being.

I’d hate to think what type of backgrounds they both come from.*

Superficial, meaningless and unkind. Sadly that's our society now.

She’s very obviously saying she realised she didn’t care.

@Spartak the insanely beautiful and talented janis joplin had a similar experience. I'm sorry this happened to you, I remember as a teenager learning that had happened to janis and I had tears, even if she wasn't a personal hero, nobody deserves that.

I've been called ugly by a teacher also, who in front of our whole class asked my boyfriend (who is still my best friend) why he wasn't going out with the pretty girl.
I was mortified.

Ironically, despite being called ugly from my father, grandmother and a few random folks, I've also been asked to model tons of times and had a massive social media following when it was in its infancy just because of how I looked.

Might not be a roald dahl quote (sorry 😁) but dita von teese - "You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches"

@TicTacNicNak oh those check out screens! I have never met anyone else who admitted being disturbed by them. I stopped going to one supermarket because they only had check outs with these screens and catching a glimpse in one could knock me sideways for weeks.

And the mirror thing - I too wonder how I can go from an okayish looking face in a mirror to catching sight of myself on photos that could be used to scare children. So many times I’ve thought ‘fuck me if I actually look like that, I’m surprised more people haven’t commented on how I look’.

At times I’ve genuinely wondered if my friends just had a pact to be kind and never tell me or whether my personality is that cracking it outweighs it!

I am completely aghast this happened to you, and also really so sorry it has. You don't deserve that OP, and I'm actually really upset for you.

There are worse things than having an unconventional (or even truly ugly, if such a thing exists) face. You could be ugly on the inside like those girls.

I'm not particularly attractive either, and overweight too. I have been treated unpleasantly at times, but also, came to realise through life, that there are many people who look beyond the exterior, and see you, the person inside. I mostly do not give a fuck anymore so will join you on this one. However, occasionally have a pang when someone strikes up a conversation with me for longer than I'd expect and wonder 'why do you want to talk to me?' - then I realise I have so much more worth than my outer appearance, and that there are good people out there that recognise it, too, clearly.

Being physically attractive is mostly luck. Being cruel to others is a choice.

Again, I'm very sorry. If I had witnessed this, I would have absolutely stepped in and told those girls exactly how ugly and disgusting they were. I cannot fathom that such grim horrible people exist, sometimes.

They are the ugly people. Not you