A message from an ‘ugly’ woman

[Over40Overdating]

I am, by all conventional standards, an ‘ugly’ woman.

I am not, and never have been, beautiful. Never pretty or attractive. On a good day with some good light, I could possibly pass for striking.

This awareness has crippled my self esteem for years, to the point of developing a phobia of mirrors and pictures. I have no pictures of me from 14 until recently.

Tonight, on my way home from work, 2 young women got on the trains opposite me and started discussing and laughing loudly about how deformed and ugly my face I was.

I didn’t challenge them because I am middle aged and knackered and didn’t fancy my chances with two very loud, much younger women, but I realised I don’t actually care.

For so long, someone calling me ugly or unattractive to my face would have been my worst nightmare but it happened and instead of the world ending, I’ve realised I no longer care about my face or how it’s viewed.

I don’t know if it’s age, peri menopause, life experience or being too tired to care, but for the first time in my life I feel like I am more than the sum of my facial features and very much like who I am regardless of what I look like.

I feel free. Like a giant weight I have been dragging around my whole life has suddenly dropped off. I wish I’d had this realisation decades ago! I wish I could tell younger me my wonky face doesn’t actually matter in the grand scheme of things. I have a life I am proud to have created and many things to celebrate and not a single one of them relied on me having a conventional looking face.

So fellow ‘ugly’ women, please come join me on a ‘DGAF’ thread.

Reassurance about your face ‘not being that bad really’ is banned.

Celebration of all the many other things you are than your physical appearance encouraged!

Everyone ends up looking the same in the end OP. I'm so glad you are finding yourself.
I was considered stunning g as a young woman but now I'm in my 60s I'm certainly no looker I'm just another overweight old woman.
And guess what I dont give a shit.
I was no happier for being beautiful. I'm divorced three times.
But at last I'm happy. I no longer have the weight of everyone's expectations on my shoulders and don't have to put up with stupid men's crap because of my looks.
My life is finally my own.

I was the chubby ginger kid at school that came from a broken home.

I wasn’t popular or pretty enough to join in with everyone else, unfortunately as I’ve gotten older I find myself more unaccepting of me than ever.

Well done OP for reaching that point in your life. I truly hope that will come to me one day x

Tbf, whalepolo didn’t say people who look great don’t get treated better. I agree that often they do.

I've always been invisible. Definitely not pretty. Never once been catcalled, and I'm in my 40s now. I have unusual body proportions so even when fit was never typically attractive bodyshape wise. Just invisible. It amazes me when people moan that they are "now" invisible, because I've never experienced otherwise.

The nice thing is I learned NGAF quite early on.

What an odd post. Like you have just thrown a load of words together. Am really puzzled by both bits of it, the assertion and inference that the poster could do something and then blaming her for not fighting back. It’s society that has imposed the standards in the first place to then give the solutions that you suggest are helpful. It’s not a problem to be solved how people look is it unless for health reasons.

she shouldn’t have to should she - do either things . It’s not her appearance or reaction she needs to moderate .

I'm 50 and I could still be 'good for my age' if I wanted. I don't, I am finally happy in my own skin, my hair is grey and frizzy, my face is round and I'm 4 stone over weight and fuck me do I feel free!

It doesn't have to be either / or, though.

It's great you are happy - and that's most important.

But you don't have to choose being overweight or not tending to your hair as a protest against the excessive focus on 'looks' that you refer to.

As I say it is your choice either way; but someone who chose to put more time in their appearance might not be doing so to 'look good for their age' but just because they are choices that make them happy.

Solidarity OP! Great thread. I had public comments on my appearance from around age 11 well into my twenties, both from fellow pupils at school and randoms on the street! "Do you know how ugly you are" "urgh, you're such a minger" and so on... even older guys at work (in a less obvious way!)
I'm now middle aged and fat and I'm ignored completely, it's heavenly!
I too am of the opinion that life is too short to worry about these things.
(I still find the word "ugly" makes me shudder, though, so despite not giving a shit for the past 2 decades, it clearly did affect me deep down)

I'm really sorry so many posters have been told they are ugly. It's terrible. I find it unfathomable that this can happen 😞

I'm so sorry. I can't believe how disgusting some people are.

That poster didn't say or imply that everyone does or should feel that way. She was talking about herself.

Yep.

Average looking here but always overweight- one day I just stopped caring what others thought. If only this had happened in my 20s as I lost the whole decade due to my lack of self-esteem.

@SurprisedWithAHorse

I know? I commented on her post & her comments - how was that unclear?

Applause! Having been told my fatness makes me ugly to the point of revolting my whole life, I learned that I don't owe the world prettiness. Good for you. Amazing how liberating it is not to give a shit about the heterosexual male gaze!

There's people who are not typically 'attractive' on the outside and there's people who are beautiful on the j side and I prefer to associate with those who have inside beauty.

Yes, I would agree that it can seem that way.
Very easily got work in showy places such as bars etc. Def got more tips.
However, every plus has issues attached.

Got huge amount of sexual harassment from around 11 years old.
From friends fathers, passing traffic and even teachers, not subtle either.

The idea that confidence comes from your appearance is totally and utterly wrong.
I have been told I am intimidating and confident. I think this comes from being tall and good looking (and the effort I put in over the years).
In actual fact below the surface I have spent decades cringing inside, very socially awkward and hating standing out.

Def internalised the idea that my value was in how men judged my looks. Beginning with my father and never ending.

I have a sister who is similar to me and she feels the same way. Interestingly, we are both very feminist these days.
Another sister who is not conventionally attractive, achieved big career and says she has never suffered sexism or been harassed.

Of course, all just anecdotal but there it is.

A very double edged sword.

The goal, really would be to get all women to not GAF which would strip the whole judgement system of its power.

She says as she puts on her mascara for the day ahead…. So much easier to preach than practice 🤔

I remember overhearing my Dad when I was about ten, saying 'it's a shame she's not pretty but at least she's bright'. Boy did that stick with me... and then the added guilt of not only being not attractive, but then failing to do anything impressive with 'being bright' either..

The crippling lack of self confidence that came, for me, with not being good looking has probably influenced my life in SO many ways.
I thought I had reached the DGAF stage finally..in my 50s. But then I had my one good feature...my long thick hair, cut super short a few weeks ago.. huge mistake and I am back to feeling like that ugly teenager... I literally want to hide from the world for 3 years til it grows again.

Which is ridiculous. No-one even looks at me, no-one cares and my family still love me! But the feeling persists. Maybe by my 60th (and when my hair grows back ) I'll finally feel free!

I have never seen anyone I would describe as ugly.

Animals and children see us for who we really are.
The inner person. They don't ''See'' beauty as a collection of regular features.

Heck, I'm no oil painting now either, but don't give a monkeys.

Scoliosis has given me a lopsided back now, too.

I agree with this.

@LittleDitto I’m so sorry you feel so down on yourself.

Your post is so well written and evocative of your pain & experience, you are so clearly not thick at all, and whoever instilled that thought in you should be ashamed.

I understand what it’s like to be ruled by such self criticism & I hope you get to a place of peace with those thoughts.

The 'oh, but you're beautiful inside' narrative is tedious. It's like the cliche of fat people being expected to be 'jolly'. I'm not 'beautiful inside', I am at best average with my fair share of unpleasant/self-serving thoughts and behaviours.

Agree @OnAFrolicOfMyOwn

The " beauty is on the inside"/ "my beauty is such a burden woe is me" crowd have arrived 🙄

A) on what planet does all that make women ‘lucky’. The endless pressure to be pretty is a huge waste of time, energy and money. It’s fine if you feel it’s optional and just do the bits you enjoy. But many women feel a lot of pressure to do a lot more than they want to.

B) Why should the OP bother challenging too daft girls? Fine if she felt like educating them, but otherwise.. waste of her time and energy.

Ah OP you sound beautiful on the inside and that it what counts. Those 2 cunts are ugly on the inside. Shallow bitches!

Your story, and your message, are absolutely inspirational! Thank you. It’s brought a tear to my eye. I have a large wonky red shiny face and I’m overweight and I want to join the DGAF club too! Can’t say I’m quite there, but your post is definitely helping.